Sports
Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency
A video released early this month by ISIS showing a prepubescent boy participating in an execution has drawn worldwide derision of the organization’s recruitment tactics. As the inflow of combative volunteers thins, ISIS has turned to the world’s leading source of tough men willing to sacrifice personal health and wellbeing for a vague sense of camaraderie and systematized violence: NFL free agency. ISIS’ marquee acquisition is of former Carolina defensive end Greg Hardy, who was signed to a 3-year contract...
Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing
This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known phrase, ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.’ So that’s the strategy we’re pursuing.” The process of moving Palestinians into...
Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics
In a surprising turn of events, Israel has been announced as the host of the 2022 Winter Olympics. An IOC spokesperson explained the decision “We at the IOC believe it is important to please everyone, all of the time. Human rights abuses aren’t very nice, are they? We didn’t really like the look of Kazakhstan – we watched ‘Borat’ about 3 times before coming to that decision. And while we all agree that Chinese takeout is the best, we don’t...
ISIS Petitions International Olympic Committee to Add Beheading to 2016 Events
Rumors abound that the International Olympic Committee will soon be welcoming a new member, The Islamic State (ISIS). The terrorist group made clear that they hadn’t been sure the IOC would even let them participate in the upcoming games, but after a “bit of persuasion” they were added to the roster of participating states. Leaders of the internationally admonished group have announced that they will seek to add a new event to the 2016 Games: beheading. “We’ve been practicing real...
Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup
Restored diplomatic ties in the Gulf have allowed Qatar to put in a delicate request for aid with neighbour the UAE The Mideast Beast has learnt. Speaking on condition of anonymity a high-ranking Qatari official told TMB that the country was requesting aid in securing an important service for the upcoming Soccer World Cup. “After a ‘lessons learned’ briefing from officials that attended the world cup in Brazil we have recognised that the oldest profession in the world is integral to the...