Sports
ISIS Executioner Accused of Doping After Chopping Infidel in Half with One Swing
AL-HAWIJA, IRAQ — Shockwaves are reverberating through ISIS leadership today, and this time, they aren’t from drone strikes. According to sources, top ISIS executioner and Jihadi John successor, Radicalized Randy, has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. Randy is the latest in a string of public figures accused of doping, joining the company of most Russian Olympic athletes, who ostensibly take drugs in an attempt to briefly forget they live in Russia. However, most Russian athletes haven’t killed as many...
ISIS “Can’t Be Bothered” with Olympics Attack, Will Host Own Games
RAQQA, SYRIA — With the Rio Olympics opening ceremony rapidly approaching, terrorism experts around the world are expressing concern over the possibility of a biological or chemical weapons attack by ISIS. However, official ISIS spokesbeard Abu Muhammad Al-Adnani al-Shami was surprised when questioned by The Mideast Beast about any potential terrorist action in Brazil: “We can’t be bothered with attacking the Olympics. That would be redundant. Rio’s already riddled with Zika-carrying mosquitos, polluted waters full of raw sewage, and vast...
World Astonished as Turkey Comes Home to Roost in Chicken Coup
ISTANBUL — The ‘chicken coup’, as the most recent Turkish government overthrow attempt has come to be called, has left the world confused and angry in a way that it hasn’t been since the end of the movie Inception. It’s the uncertainty that’s making everyone nervous, as no one seems to know what the repercussions of such a failure will be in such a key state. Turkey is a NATO ally, a bridge in the middle of Eurasia, one of the...
LeBron Signs with Syrian Rebels, Promises Democracy within Two Years
Declaring that if he can bring a championship to Cleveland, he could certainly bring democracy to Syria, NBA star LeBron James has opted out of his contract with the Cavaliers and inked a five-year deal with moderate Syrian rebels battling both ISIS and the Assad regime. James announced his decision in an essay on Al Jazeera’s website. “I’m not going to bring democracy overnight. This is a young group of rebels, and we’re not ready right now,” James wrote. “It will...
Ski Mask Salesman Devastated To Learn Terror Groups Don’t Ski
“For skiing!” That’s the answer ski mask salesman Steve Roberts gave to the question of how he thought Hamas officials were using his product. The man appears distraught at the thought that anyone would use ski masks for anything else. “They’re my life, and I just can’t bear to think about how these people are using the masks I’ve been selling them all this time.” Investigators have revealed that nearly every single ski mask worn by terror groups, in combat...
Nate Robinson Makes Israeli Basketball Debut; Excited About Upcoming ‘Bris’
Three-time NBA slam dunk champ Nate Robinson received a raucous ovation during introductions at the sold out Drive-in Arena for his first game with Hapoel Tel Aviv. He immediately made his presence known, scoring 25 points while showing off an array of skills throughout the game. Head coach Sharon Avrahami praised the new comer, complimenting his big play despite his diminutive 1.75m stature. “When I first saw it, I was like whoa I was not expecting it to be that...
Syrian Refugees Politely Decline Qatar’s Offer to Let them Build Soccer Stadium
Refugees fleeing Syria’s four-year civil war declined a generous offer from the Qatari government, which promised them asylum and refugee status on the condition that they help the country build a soccer stadium for the 2022 FIFA World Cup. “After seeing the horrifying pictures from Turkey, our government has decided to absorb as many Syrian immigrants as wish to come to our country,” Qatari Prime Minister Abdullah Al Thani declared in a letter to the Syrian community. “Our one tiny...
Corrupt IOC Officials Lobbying for Troubled Rio Games to Be Moved to Islamic State
With the 2016 Summer Olympics just seven months away, a number of International Olympic Committee members are reportedly working behind the scenes to have the Rio Games relocated to the Islamic State’s capital, Raqqa. According to a Wall Street Journal report, the officials – including ex-FIFA President Sepp Blatter’s cousin – are claiming that Rio de Janeiro won’t be ready in time for the planned August 5 start, and that the city’s water pollution poses dire health hazards to athletes....
Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem
In a move the Palestinian Authority is calling, ‘the most perfect metaphor in history,’ this morning the Israeli government released a statement announcing their intention to build 2,000 hurdles in East Jerusalem in preparation for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Construction will take place by the end of the month, and Israel maintains that the new structures will serve as training tools for Olympic athletes. This claim didn’t convince the PA however, as they condemned the move. RELATED: ISIS Petitions International...
Israel’s International Football Disgrace
WALES UK — Israel has shocked and outraged the world once more this week with its appalling international conduct. Competing in the Euro 2016 qualifiers against Wales, Israel’s strikers infuriated the crowd with how little interest they showed in actually trying to score a goal, instead lining up with the rest of the team in a solid wall in front of their goal. Israeli players further slowed play by continuous attempts to engage opposing players in long-winded discussions on Israel’s...
Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Deflating Footballs
Calling it the organization’s most successful operation on U.S. soil in years, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri claimed responsibility for the deflated football during the AFC Championship and for causing millions of Americans to question the integrity of the Super Bowl. “In a tremendous blow to the American infidels, we infiltrated the New England Patriots locker room and had our agent tamper with the footballs in clear violation of the NFL’s regulations,” said Zawahiri. “Until the American crusaders withdraw entirely...
ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup
In a surprise announcement that caught the soccer world mostly not caring very much, FIFA unresigned kingpin Sepp Blatter announced that the 2019 Women’s Soccer World Cup is to take place in Northern Iraq and Syria. A smiling Blatter addressed the crowd of two journalists sitting next to ISIS emir Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “Abu is a bloodthirsty, genocidal, corrupt maniac,” beamed Blatter, “so of course we became best friends. I originally offered ISIS the 2026 Men’s World Cup, but they...
American Firm to Supply Iran with 500,000 Baseball Bats Once Sanctions Removed
The Illinois-based Wilson Sporting Goods Company has reportedly inked a deal with Tehran to sell half a million Louisville Slugger baseball bats if sanctions against the Islamic Republic of Iran are dismantled. “We had no idea that Iranian government officials are such big baseball fans. America’s pastime is truly a gift to the world. We’re proud to be contributing to the normalization of relations with Iran,” Wilson Sporting Goods Company CEO Ty Ruth said on Friday. Evidently, the company is unaware...
Following Palestinian Campaign Against Israel, Americans Beg FIFA to Ban America
Citing their country’s history of war, racial strife and anything else they could think of, Americans urged FIFA, the international governing body of soccer, to ban their country from any international tournaments and competitions. The American campaign was apparently inspired by Palestinian attempts to have Israel suspended from the organization due to its human rights policies. Supporters of the ban pointed to slavery, the 1812 invasion of Canada and the “Saw” film franchise as some of the most serious atrocities...
US Army Provides Support as Swiss Militias Fight FIFA for Control of Zurich
The rattle of gunfire and blaring of Alpine horns are piercing the night as the battle for the city of Zurich in northern Switzerland is entering its third day. The city is occupied by FIFA, a rogue terrorist organization with ties to global dictators and Middle Eastern royalty, backed by $1.4 billion in cash reserves despite calling itself ‘non-profit’, and headed by a bloodthirsty tyrant who is seen by his followers as a godlike religious figure. As the battle rages...
Sports Report: Hamas and FIFA Team Up to Provide Winter Camps for Kids
Hamas and FIFA have decided to team up and provide camps for kids, sources familiar with the matter have told The Mideast Beast. “We’ve been looking to work together for a long time,” explained a FIFA official. “We are two of the largest recipients in illicit Qatari funding, so our eventual partnership was practically inevitable.” The camps, which will be located in Gaza, are expected to provide fantastic programming for young athletes, promising to develop not only campers’ soccer skills...
Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys
Living in Israel, it’s easy to forget how good you have it. It’s only when real tragedies occur in other countries and dominate the media that you realize everything you’ve been taking for granted. I had this realization this week, as my Facebook newsfeed was littered with disaster stories from half way around the world. Families torn apart. Lives turned upside down. I’m referring, of course, to the earth shattering report that Tom Brady “more likely than not” knew that...
Palestine Soccer Team to Play Israel…For a State
Israel has confirmed Palestine can have its own country if it beats the Jewish State at a game of soccer. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, an Israeli spokesman said they were confident in the challenge as “apparently we shoot all the good Palestinian footballers anyway.” BDS activists said that they would boycott the event if Israel were to use human walls to protect its goal should Palestine receive any direct free kicks. RELATED: Israeli Leaders Debate Pettiest Way to Respond to Palestinian Hague Bid...
Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated
As the Middle East descends into utter warfare and chaos, political scientists and other nerds are worried that all hell will break will lose, particularly in their March Madness daft picks. “I used to be so confident. I knew who was ahead, who had the training. But then the Houthis rise to the top? Total sleepers, I swear!” said one analyst. “I’ve made some mistakes, like calling ISIS a J.V. team” admitted U.S. President Barack Obama, fan of basketball and...
Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency
A video released early this month by ISIS showing a prepubescent boy participating in an execution has drawn worldwide derision of the organization’s recruitment tactics. As the inflow of combative volunteers thins, ISIS has turned to the world’s leading source of tough men willing to sacrifice personal health and wellbeing for a vague sense of camaraderie and systematized violence: NFL free agency. ISIS’ marquee acquisition is of former Carolina defensive end Greg Hardy, who was signed to a 3-year contract...