Sports

Lebanese and Israeli Game of Hide-and-Seek Misinterpreted at Olympics
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Lebanese and Israeli Game of Hide-and-Seek Misinterpreted at Olympics

The Lebanese national team has been reprimanded by the International Olympic Committee for refusing to ride a bus with the Israeli delegation. Israeli sailing coach, Udi Gal, was infuriated by the incident, calling out the IOC on Facebook by using all the sad emoji’s he could think of and making full use of the new ‘dislike’ feature. Head of the...

ISIS Executioner Accused of Doping After Chopping Infidel in Half with One Swing
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ISIS Executioner Accused of Doping After Chopping Infidel in Half with One Swing

AL-HAWIJA, IRAQ — Shockwaves are reverberating through ISIS leadership today, and this time, they aren’t from drone strikes.  According to sources, top ISIS executioner and Jihadi John successor, Radicalized Randy, has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs.  Randy is the latest in a string of public figures accused of doping, joining the company of most Russian Olympic athletes, who ostensibly...

ISIS “Can’t Be Bothered” with Olympics Attack, Will Host Own Games
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ISIS “Can’t Be Bothered” with Olympics Attack, Will Host Own Games

RAQQA, SYRIA — With the Rio Olympics opening ceremony rapidly approaching, terrorism experts around the world are expressing concern over the possibility of a biological or chemical weapons attack by ISIS. However, official ISIS spokesbeard Abu Muhammad Al-Adnani al-Shami was surprised when questioned by The Mideast Beast about any potential terrorist action in Brazil: “We can’t be bothered with attacking...

World Astonished as Turkey Comes Home to Roost in Chicken Coup

World Astonished as Turkey Comes Home to Roost in Chicken Coup

ISTANBUL — The ‘chicken coup’, as the most recent Turkish government overthrow attempt has come to be called, has left the world confused and angry in a way that it hasn’t been since the end of the movie Inception.  It’s the uncertainty that’s making everyone nervous, as no one seems to know what the repercussions of such a failure will be...

LeBron Signs with Syrian Rebels, Promises Democracy within Two Years
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LeBron Signs with Syrian Rebels, Promises Democracy within Two Years

Declaring that if he can bring a championship to Cleveland, he could certainly bring democracy to Syria, NBA star LeBron James has opted out of his contract with the Cavaliers and inked a five-year deal with moderate Syrian rebels battling both ISIS and the Assad regime. James announced his decision in an essay on Al Jazeera’s website. “I’m not going to...

Ski Mask Salesman Devastated To Learn Terror Groups Don’t Ski
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Ski Mask Salesman Devastated To Learn Terror Groups Don’t Ski

“For skiing!” That’s the answer ski mask salesman Steve Roberts gave to the question of how he thought Hamas officials were using his product. The man appears distraught at the thought that anyone would use ski masks for anything else. “They’re my life, and I just can’t bear to think about how these people are using the masks I’ve been...

Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem
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Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem

In a move the Palestinian Authority is calling, ‘the most perfect metaphor in history,’ this morning the Israeli government released a statement announcing their intention to build 2,000 hurdles in East Jerusalem in preparation for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Construction will take place by the end of the month, and Israel maintains that the new structures will serve as...

Israel’s International Football Disgrace
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Israel’s International Football Disgrace

WALES UK — Israel has shocked and outraged the world once more this week with its appalling international conduct. Competing in the Euro 2016 qualifiers against Wales, Israel’s strikers infuriated the crowd with how little interest they showed in actually trying to score a goal, instead lining up with the rest of the team in a solid wall in front...

Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Deflating Footballs
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Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Deflating Footballs

Calling it the organization’s most successful operation on U.S. soil in years, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri claimed responsibility for the deflated football during the AFC Championship and for causing millions of Americans to question the integrity of the Super Bowl. “In a tremendous blow to the American infidels, we infiltrated the New England Patriots locker room and had our...

ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup
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ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup

In a surprise announcement that caught the soccer world mostly not caring very much, FIFA unresigned kingpin Sepp Blatter announced that the 2019 Women’s Soccer World Cup is to take place in Northern Iraq and Syria. A smiling Blatter addressed the crowd of two journalists sitting next to ISIS emir Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “Abu is a bloodthirsty, genocidal, corrupt maniac,”...

American Firm to Supply Iran with 500,000 Baseball Bats Once Sanctions Removed
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American Firm to Supply Iran with 500,000 Baseball Bats Once Sanctions Removed

The Illinois-based Wilson Sporting Goods Company has reportedly inked a deal with Tehran to sell half a million Louisville Slugger baseball bats if sanctions against the Islamic Republic of Iran are dismantled. “We had no idea that Iranian government officials are such big baseball fans. America’s pastime is truly a gift to the world. We’re proud to be contributing to the...

Following Palestinian Campaign Against Israel, Americans Beg FIFA to Ban America
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Following Palestinian Campaign Against Israel, Americans Beg FIFA to Ban America

Citing their country’s history of war, racial strife and anything else they could think of, Americans urged FIFA, the international governing body of soccer, to ban their country from any international tournaments and competitions. The American campaign was apparently inspired by Palestinian attempts to have Israel suspended from the organization due to its human rights policies. Supporters of the ban...

Sports Report: Hamas and FIFA Team Up to Provide Winter Camps for Kids
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Sports Report: Hamas and FIFA Team Up to Provide Winter Camps for Kids

Hamas and FIFA have decided to team up and provide camps for kids, sources familiar with the matter have told The Mideast Beast. “We’ve been looking to work together for a long time,” explained a FIFA official. “We are two of the largest recipients in illicit Qatari funding, so our eventual partnership was practically inevitable.” The camps, which will be...

Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys
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Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys

Living in Israel, it’s easy to forget how good you have it. It’s only when real tragedies occur in other countries and dominate the media that you realize everything you’ve been taking for granted. I had this realization this week, as my Facebook newsfeed was littered with disaster stories from half way around the world. Families torn apart. Lives turned...