Sports
Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Deflating Footballs
Calling it the organization’s most successful operation on U.S. soil in years, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri claimed responsibility for the deflated football during the AFC Championship and for causing millions of Americans to question the integrity of the Super Bowl. “In a tremendous blow to the American infidels, we infiltrated the New England Patriots locker room and had our agent tamper with the footballs in clear violation of the NFL’s regulations,” said Zawahiri. “Until the American crusaders withdraw entirely...
ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup
In a surprise announcement that caught the soccer world mostly not caring very much, FIFA unresigned kingpin Sepp Blatter announced that the 2019 Women’s Soccer World Cup is to take place in Northern Iraq and Syria. A smiling Blatter addressed the crowd of two journalists sitting next to ISIS emir Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “Abu is a bloodthirsty, genocidal, corrupt maniac,” beamed Blatter, “so of course we became best friends. I originally offered ISIS the 2026 Men’s World Cup, but they...
American Firm to Supply Iran with 500,000 Baseball Bats Once Sanctions Removed
The Illinois-based Wilson Sporting Goods Company has reportedly inked a deal with Tehran to sell half a million Louisville Slugger baseball bats if sanctions against the Islamic Republic of Iran are dismantled. “We had no idea that Iranian government officials are such big baseball fans. America’s pastime is truly a gift to the world. We’re proud to be contributing to the normalization of relations with Iran,” Wilson Sporting Goods Company CEO Ty Ruth said on Friday. Evidently, the company is unaware...
Following Palestinian Campaign Against Israel, Americans Beg FIFA to Ban America
Citing their country’s history of war, racial strife and anything else they could think of, Americans urged FIFA, the international governing body of soccer, to ban their country from any international tournaments and competitions. The American campaign was apparently inspired by Palestinian attempts to have Israel suspended from the organization due to its human rights policies. Supporters of the ban pointed to slavery, the 1812 invasion of Canada and the “Saw” film franchise as some of the most serious atrocities...
US Army Provides Support as Swiss Militias Fight FIFA for Control of Zurich
The rattle of gunfire and blaring of Alpine horns are piercing the night as the battle for the city of Zurich in northern Switzerland is entering its third day. The city is occupied by FIFA, a rogue terrorist organization with ties to global dictators and Middle Eastern royalty, backed by $1.4 billion in cash reserves despite calling itself ‘non-profit’, and headed by a bloodthirsty tyrant who is seen by his followers as a godlike religious figure. As the battle rages...
Sports Report: Hamas and FIFA Team Up to Provide Winter Camps for Kids
Hamas and FIFA have decided to team up and provide camps for kids, sources familiar with the matter have told The Mideast Beast. “We’ve been looking to work together for a long time,” explained a FIFA official. “We are two of the largest recipients in illicit Qatari funding, so our eventual partnership was practically inevitable.” The camps, which will be located in Gaza, are expected to provide fantastic programming for young athletes, promising to develop not only campers’ soccer skills...
Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys
Living in Israel, it’s easy to forget how good you have it. It’s only when real tragedies occur in other countries and dominate the media that you realize everything you’ve been taking for granted. I had this realization this week, as my Facebook newsfeed was littered with disaster stories from half way around the world. Families torn apart. Lives turned upside down. I’m referring, of course, to the earth shattering report that Tom Brady “more likely than not” knew that...
Palestine Soccer Team to Play Israel…For a State
Israel has confirmed Palestine can have its own country if it beats the Jewish State at a game of soccer. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, an Israeli spokesman said they were confident in the challenge as “apparently we shoot all the good Palestinian footballers anyway.” BDS activists said that they would boycott the event if Israel were to use human walls to protect its goal should Palestine receive any direct free kicks. RELATED: Israeli Leaders Debate Pettiest Way to Respond to Palestinian Hague Bid...
Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated
As the Middle East descends into utter warfare and chaos, political scientists and other nerds are worried that all hell will break will lose, particularly in their March Madness daft picks. “I used to be so confident. I knew who was ahead, who had the training. But then the Houthis rise to the top? Total sleepers, I swear!” said one analyst. “I’ve made some mistakes, like calling ISIS a J.V. team” admitted U.S. President Barack Obama, fan of basketball and...
Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency
A video released early this month by ISIS showing a prepubescent boy participating in an execution has drawn worldwide derision of the organization’s recruitment tactics. As the inflow of combative volunteers thins, ISIS has turned to the world’s leading source of tough men willing to sacrifice personal health and wellbeing for a vague sense of camaraderie and systematized violence: NFL free agency. ISIS’ marquee acquisition is of former Carolina defensive end Greg Hardy, who was signed to a 3-year contract...
Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing
This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known phrase, ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.’ So that’s the strategy we’re pursuing.” The process of moving Palestinians into...
Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics
In a surprising turn of events, Israel has been announced as the host of the 2022 Winter Olympics. An IOC spokesperson explained the decision “We at the IOC believe it is important to please everyone, all of the time. Human rights abuses aren’t very nice, are they? We didn’t really like the look of Kazakhstan – we watched ‘Borat’ about 3 times before coming to that decision. And while we all agree that Chinese takeout is the best, we don’t...
ISIS Petitions International Olympic Committee to Add Beheading to 2016 Events
Rumors abound that the International Olympic Committee will soon be welcoming a new member, The Islamic State (ISIS). The terrorist group made clear that they hadn’t been sure the IOC would even let them participate in the upcoming games, but after a “bit of persuasion” they were added to the roster of participating states. Leaders of the internationally admonished group have announced that they will seek to add a new event to the 2016 Games: beheading. “We’ve been practicing real...
Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup
Restored diplomatic ties in the Gulf have allowed Qatar to put in a delicate request for aid with neighbour the UAE The Mideast Beast has learnt. Speaking on condition of anonymity a high-ranking Qatari official told TMB that the country was requesting aid in securing an important service for the upcoming Soccer World Cup. “After a ‘lessons learned’ briefing from officials that attended the world cup in Brazil we have recognised that the oldest profession in the world is integral to the...