Sports

BEIRUT – The Middle East’s simmering ‘Hummus Wars’ dramatically escalated today after Lebanon’s Minister of Sport provocatively declared Lesbian Hummus Wrestling his country’s official national sport. “With this landmark decision, we’ll once and for all prove that Lebanese – not Israeli – mashed chickpeas and bikini-clad chicks are the tastiest in the region,” said Abdul Muttalib Hinnawi at Beirut’s National Hummusdome (formerly the Roman Hippodrome)....

Athletes from Lebanon and Saudi Arabia are expected to take the gold and silver, respectively, in the freestyle anti-Israel shadow competition taking place in Rio. The goal of this game-within-a-game is, in layman’s terms, to be the most unsportsmanlike little bitches possible to the Israeli athletes before the International Olympic Committee half-heartedly does something about it. On Sunday, Saudi Arabian Joud...

RIO DE JANEIRO- The Olympics, like Black Friday at Macy’s, are thought of as a place where people fight each other for pieces of jewelry, regardless of their race or ethnicity. But, this normally pure pursuit has been marred by some classic, middle school bullying.  So far, Lebanese athletes refused to share a bus with Israelis athletes, and Saudi and...

The Lebanese national team has been reprimanded by the International Olympic Committee for refusing to ride a bus with the Israeli delegation. Israeli sailing coach, Udi Gal, was infuriated by the incident, calling out the IOC on Facebook by using all the sad emoji’s he could think of and making full use of the new ‘dislike’ feature. Head of the...

JERUSALEM — A week after signing with Hapoel Jerusalem of the Israeli Premier League, former NBA star Amar’e Stoudemire was reportedly devastated to learn that he would still have to compete against non-Jews from around the world who, like him, came to Israel to play basketball. “When my agent told me I had an offer from a team in Israel,...

With the 2016 Summer Olympics just seven months away, a number of International Olympic Committee members are reportedly working behind the scenes to have the Rio Games relocated to the Islamic State’s capital, Raqqa. According to a Wall Street Journal report, the officials – including ex-FIFA President Sepp Blatter’s cousin – are claiming that Rio de Janeiro won’t be ready...

In a move the Palestinian Authority is calling, ‘the most perfect metaphor in history,’ this morning the Israeli government released a statement announcing their intention to build 2,000 hurdles in East Jerusalem in preparation for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Construction will take place by the end of the month, and Israel maintains that the new structures will serve as...

The Illinois-based Wilson Sporting Goods Company has reportedly inked a deal with Tehran to sell half a million Louisville Slugger baseball bats if sanctions against the Islamic Republic of Iran are dismantled. “We had no idea that Iranian government officials are such big baseball fans. America’s pastime is truly a gift to the world. We’re proud to be contributing to the...