Athletes from Lebanon and Saudi Arabia are expected to take the gold and silver, respectively, in the freestyle anti-Israel shadow competition taking place in Rio. The goal of this game-within-a-game is, in layman’s terms, to be the most unsportsmanlike little bitches possible to the Israeli athletes before the International Olympic Committee half-heartedly does something about it. On Sunday, Saudi Arabian Joud...
RIO DE JANEIRO- The Olympics, like Black Friday at Macy’s, are thought of as a place where people fight each other for pieces of jewelry, regardless of their race or ethnicity. But, this normally pure pursuit has been marred by some classic, middle school bullying. So far, Lebanese athletes refused to share a bus with Israelis athletes, and Saudi and...
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL – While the rest of the world revels in the spectacle of the Olympic games, and quakes in fear of the Zika virus coming home with their athletes, one group is engrossed in the competition for an entirely different reason. “I’m so glad I planned it this way,” Donald Trump told his staff this week, “I’m such a genius for scheduling the...
Donald Trump condemned the Olympic Refugee Team today as “low-energy cheaters who are in cahoots with lyin’ crooked Hillary Clinton to knock me off the front page.” Following refugee swimmer Yusra Mardini’s 41st place finish in the 100m butterfly preliminary rounds on Saturday, Trump posted on Facebook: “How can someone who came in dead last get so much coverage? New...
The Lebanese national team has been reprimanded by the International Olympic Committee for refusing to ride a bus with the Israeli delegation. Israeli sailing coach, Udi Gal, was infuriated by the incident, calling out the IOC on Facebook by using all the sad emoji’s he could think of and making full use of the new ‘dislike’ feature. Head of the...
JERUSALEM — A week after signing with Hapoel Jerusalem of the Israeli Premier League, former NBA star Amar’e Stoudemire was reportedly devastated to learn that he would still have to compete against non-Jews from around the world who, like him, came to Israel to play basketball. “When my agent told me I had an offer from a team in Israel,...
AL-HAWIJA, IRAQ — Shockwaves are reverberating through ISIS leadership today, and this time, they aren’t from drone strikes. According to sources, top ISIS executioner and Jihadi John successor, Radicalized Randy, has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. Randy is the latest in a string of public figures accused of doping, joining the company of most Russian Olympic athletes, who ostensibly...
RAQQA, SYRIA — With the Rio Olympics opening ceremony rapidly approaching, terrorism experts around the world are expressing concern over the possibility of a biological or chemical weapons attack by ISIS. However, official ISIS spokesbeard Abu Muhammad Al-Adnani al-Shami was surprised when questioned by The Mideast Beast about any potential terrorist action in Brazil: “We can’t be bothered with attacking...
ISTANBUL — The ‘chicken coup’, as the most recent Turkish government overthrow attempt has come to be called, has left the world confused and angry in a way that it hasn’t been since the end of the movie Inception. It’s the uncertainty that’s making everyone nervous, as no one seems to know what the repercussions of such a failure will be...
Declaring that if he can bring a championship to Cleveland, he could certainly bring democracy to Syria, NBA star LeBron James has opted out of his contract with the Cavaliers and inked a five-year deal with moderate Syrian rebels battling both ISIS and the Assad regime. James announced his decision in an essay on Al Jazeera’s website. “I’m not going to...
“For skiing!” That’s the answer ski mask salesman Steve Roberts gave to the question of how he thought Hamas officials were using his product. The man appears distraught at the thought that anyone would use ski masks for anything else. “They’re my life, and I just can’t bear to think about how these people are using the masks I’ve been...
Three-time NBA slam dunk champ Nate Robinson received a raucous ovation during introductions at the sold out Drive-in Arena for his first game with Hapoel Tel Aviv. He immediately made his presence known, scoring 25 points while showing off an array of skills throughout the game. Head coach Sharon Avrahami praised the new comer, complimenting his big play despite his...
Refugees fleeing Syria’s four-year civil war declined a generous offer from the Qatari government, which promised them asylum and refugee status on the condition that they help the country build a soccer stadium for the 2022 FIFA World Cup. “After seeing the horrifying pictures from Turkey, our government has decided to absorb as many Syrian immigrants as wish to come...
With the 2016 Summer Olympics just seven months away, a number of International Olympic Committee members are reportedly working behind the scenes to have the Rio Games relocated to the Islamic State’s capital, Raqqa. According to a Wall Street Journal report, the officials – including ex-FIFA President Sepp Blatter’s cousin – are claiming that Rio de Janeiro won’t be ready...
In a move the Palestinian Authority is calling, ‘the most perfect metaphor in history,’ this morning the Israeli government released a statement announcing their intention to build 2,000 hurdles in East Jerusalem in preparation for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Construction will take place by the end of the month, and Israel maintains that the new structures will serve as...
WALES UK — Israel has shocked and outraged the world once more this week with its appalling international conduct. Competing in the Euro 2016 qualifiers against Wales, Israel’s strikers infuriated the crowd with how little interest they showed in actually trying to score a goal, instead lining up with the rest of the team in a solid wall in front...
Calling it the organization’s most successful operation on U.S. soil in years, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri claimed responsibility for the deflated football during the AFC Championship and for causing millions of Americans to question the integrity of the Super Bowl. “In a tremendous blow to the American infidels, we infiltrated the New England Patriots locker room and had our...
In a surprise announcement that caught the soccer world mostly not caring very much, FIFA unresigned kingpin Sepp Blatter announced that the 2019 Women’s Soccer World Cup is to take place in Northern Iraq and Syria. A smiling Blatter addressed the crowd of two journalists sitting next to ISIS emir Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “Abu is a bloodthirsty, genocidal, corrupt maniac,”...
The Illinois-based Wilson Sporting Goods Company has reportedly inked a deal with Tehran to sell half a million Louisville Slugger baseball bats if sanctions against the Islamic Republic of Iran are dismantled. “We had no idea that Iranian government officials are such big baseball fans. America’s pastime is truly a gift to the world. We’re proud to be contributing to the...
Citing their country’s history of war, racial strife and anything else they could think of, Americans urged FIFA, the international governing body of soccer, to ban their country from any international tournaments and competitions. The American campaign was apparently inspired by Palestinian attempts to have Israel suspended from the organization due to its human rights policies. Supporters of the ban...
