Sports

Israeli Culture Minister Calls for Boycott of FC Barcelona Supporters
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Israeli Culture Minister Calls for Boycott of FC Barcelona Supporters

Israeli Culture Minister Miri Regev ordered Wednesday a boycott of FC Barcelona fans (Barça), the soccer team for which Argentinian soccer player Lionel Messi regularly plays, following Argentina’s cancelling of its prospective soccer match against Israel in Jerusalem. The boycott will effectively bar entry into Israel of any individual who has ever expressed support of Barça. These “expressions of support”...

ISIS to Abandon Jihad and Focus on Preparation for 2022 Olympics

ISIS to Abandon Jihad and Focus on Preparation for 2022 Olympics

Embarrassed after both Syria and Iraq were shut out in the 2018 Winter Olympics medal count, leaders of the terrorist group announced that the organization will be taking a four-year break from jihad to improve its showing in the 2022 Olympics. “For the past four years, we have been so focused on purging the Levant of infidels that we have...

ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities
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ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities

After years of unsuccessful efforts to cause widespread devastation in the American homeland, ISIS leaders are turning towards fans of the Philadelphia Eagles for advice on how to destroy an American city. “When I turned on the TV and saw shattered glass, overturned cars and people rioting in the streets, I assumed one of our martyrs had carried out a...

Turkish President Sentences Enes Kanter to 25 Years with Knicks
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Turkish President Sentences Enes Kanter to 25 Years with Knicks

In a move that activists are calling a gross human rights violation, Turkish authorities have sentenced NBA player Enes Kanter in absentia to 25 years on the hapless New York Knicks. The sentence comes after Kanter, an up-and-coming star, was convicted of insulting Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan in a series of tweets. It likely means the six-foot-eleven center will...

Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East
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Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East

Former NFL quarterback and full-time activist Colin Kaepernick has taken another controversial stand, announcing that he now plans to give up football and devote himself to hunting bald eagles to protest US military action in the Middle East. “While America invaded Iraq and Afghanistan and killed billions of innocent African (sic) children, these stupid birds had no problem masquerading as...

ISIS Leader to Become Boxer, Fight Mayweather

ISIS Leader to Become Boxer, Fight Mayweather

Inspired by UFC star Conor McGregor’s performance in Saturday’s bout, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that he will take a break from jihad to try his luck in the boxing ring. “Fighting is fighting, whether you’re doing it in a ring with gloves or in Shia mosque with a suicide belt,” al-Baghdadi said in announcing his decision. “If McGregor...

Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team
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Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team

Saying that only the Qataris understood what it was like to be isolated because of one’s political beliefs, former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has signed a one-year deal with the embattled Middle Eastern nation. The signing comes after Kaepernick, who made headlines for refusing to stand for the national anthem, has struggled to find an NFL team willing...

Iranian Revolutionary Guard to Recruit Justin Gatlin as New Weapon
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Iranian Revolutionary Guard to Recruit Justin Gatlin as New Weapon

American sprinter Justin Gatlin, who took the gold medal at the World Athletics Championship, defeating Usain Bolt in the world-record holder’s final race, has been recruited to the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Gatlin was flattered when Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came to him personally, wielding the athlete’s favorite chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. Although Gatlin was made to publicly renounce his...

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment
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ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

Football games will replace limb-severing as the Islamic State’s preferential form of capital punishment for infidels, according to a decree recently issued by the-still-alive ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.  The new practice was agreed upon following the publication of a new study which indicates 99% of professional NFL players sustain permanent degenerative brain injuries as a result of repeated blows...

Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million
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Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million

Saying that his government was “terribly sorry” about the way the former NFL superstar has been treated following his conviction on charges of armed robbery, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has agreed to pay $10 million to O.J. Simpson. “Just like Omar Khadr, O.J. is the true victim,” said Trudeau, referring to the former Guantanamo detainee also given a $10...

ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory
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ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory

Calling the suffering inflicted on the vast majority of Americans “a really nice surprise,” ISIS leaders were reportedly celebrating into the morning hours Monday after the hated New England Patriots’ stunning come-from-behind win in Super Bowl LI. “Seeing the American infidels this angry without having to plan and execute an attack is just a really great way to start the...

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport
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Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

DOHA – Despite multiple bloody wars rocking the region, nearly 20 Middle Eastern countries have launched a joint bid to have camel racing declared an Olympic sport. A delegation is due in Switzerland next week to argue their case before the International Olympic Committee. At a press conference in Doha, Qatar’s Sheikh Jamaal bin Tamim Al Thani, chairman of the...

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids
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ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

RAQQA — The Islamic State was dealt a setback last week, as ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was suspended indefinitely after testing positive for jihad-enhancing drugs. The failed test not only puts the Islamic State’s future in jeopardy but has called into question the legitimacy of previous accomplishments, which for years have been tainted by rumors of steroid use. “During...

Damascus Picked to Host 2020 Olympics
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Damascus Picked to Host 2020 Olympics

Damascus has been chosen to host the 2020 Olympics, as the International Olympic Committee selected the Syrian capital due to logistical considerations. “Frankly, the difficulty of getting close to 200 delegations into the host country is always a challenge,” IOC President Thomas Bach said. “Given how many countries already have a strong presence in Syria, this job will be much,...

Qatar Buys San Francisco 49ers
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Qatar Buys San Francisco 49ers

The Qatar Investment Authority has bought a 51% stake in the San Francisco 49ers, just days after quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the US national anthem. “While receiving an amazing Thai massage from a young Filipina girl I purchased on Alibaba.com it hit me: waging Jihad is just like playing football. Both are well funded forms of organized...