US Cuts Off Relations With Israel After Netanyahu Buys Trump a Peloton

By U.S. Embassy Tel Aviv - President Trump at the Israel Museum. Jerusalem May 23, 2017 President Trump at the Israel Museum. Jerusalem May 23, 2017, Public Domain,

In an unexpected crisis between two allies, the US has ended all diplomatic relations with Israel after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu bought President Donald Trump a Peloton exercise bike as a holiday gift.

Netanyahu purchased the stationary bike after seeing an ad for the company, believing it would be a perfect way to thank the president for his administration’s support for Israel. But after unwrapping the bike, Trump sulked briefly before storming to his bedroom in the executive residence.

“Two-faced phony Net in Yahoo (sic) thinks I need to lose wait (sic)!” Trump tweeted minutes later. “I have a perfect body and can’t waste energy riding bike – I need it all for my giant tremendous brain!”

Within 24 hours, the administration announced that it had recalled the US ambassador to Israel, frozen all military aid, and recognized a Palestinian state in Gaza, the West Bank and East Jerusalem, leaving the embattled prime minister stunned.

“I thought the lazy fat-ass would appreciate having an exercise machine he could use without leaving his bedroom,” Netanyahu was recorded saying at a banquet for heads of state. “I mean, [Canadian Prime Minister Justin] Trudeau is built like a fucking minotaur. If Donald doesn’t start getting a bit of cardio in, he’s just going to keep getting made fun of.”