Satire

Warren Proposes ‘Jihad Tax’ to Defeat al Qaeda, ISIS
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Warren Proposes ‘Jihad Tax’ to Defeat al Qaeda, ISIS

Insisting that there is no problem on Earth that can’t be solved by the right tax, Senator and Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren has proposed a “jihad tax” to wipe radical Islamic groups like ISIS and al Qaeda off the map. Her detailed proposal would create a system for taxing everything from suicide bombings and beheadings to hijackings and pipeline...

Ecstatic Ariel Gold Announces Acceptance into ISIS

Ecstatic Ariel Gold Announces Acceptance into ISIS

Days after returning from Iran, Code Pink national co-director Ariel Gold announced on Twitter that she has also been accepted into the Islamic State to lead the country’s Jewish outreach program. “I spoke to ISIS President Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi, and it turns out he has the exact same opinion about Jews and Israel as I do!” Gold tweeted. “And to...

Hamas Calls Weekend Rockets “Interactive Fireworks”
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Hamas Calls Weekend Rockets “Interactive Fireworks”

Following this weekend’s barrage of rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, a Hamas spokesperson has stated they were simply celebratory fireworks. “I would like to clarify a misunderstood situation,” the spokesperson wrote on his Facebook timeline. “The Palestinian people were simply overjoyed about the past few months of calm. Some of our citizens were so happy that they had decided...

Dog in Baghdadi Raid Defects to ISIS After Promise of Unlimited Belly Rubs
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Dog in Baghdadi Raid Defects to ISIS After Promise of Unlimited Belly Rubs

In what is being called the greatest American betrayal since Benedict Arnold, the Belgian Malinois who helped track down Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, has defected to ISIS after the terror group promised her unlimited belly rubs. The dog, named Conan, had become a hero in the US for her role in the killing of Baghdadi, even being mentioned...

Sanders Proposes Sending Israel’s Military Aid to Mel Gibson

Sanders Proposes Sending Israel’s Military Aid to Mel Gibson

Accusing the Jewish state of committing “atrocities” against the Oscar-winner’s acting career, US Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders proposed ending military aid to Israel and instead giving the funds to Mel Gibson. “It is not anti-Semitic to acknowledge that the Jewish people have completely destroyed this man’s career just for speaking the truth,” Sanders said during a conference hosted...

‘Guess That’s It for Us,’ Islamic Terrorists Say
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‘Guess That’s It for Us,’ Islamic Terrorists Say

Radical Islamic terrorists from across the Middle East are calling it quits following the death of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, with all agreeing that the time has come to abandon jihad and accept Western values. “Listen, we had a really good run blowing stuff up and beheading Americans while we recreated the world of Muhammad and the rightly guided...

Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy
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Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy

Special forces Belgian Malinois, ‘Classified’ has been named by President Trump as his new envoy to the Middle East. The very good puppy was selected for the position following his key role in the death of ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi earlier this week. A spokesman for the President commented, “Loyal without question, willing to do anything for a belly...

ISIS to Trump: Stop Sending Mixed Signals
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ISIS to Trump: Stop Sending Mixed Signals

With the terror group’s leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, reportedly dead in a US raid, members of the Islamic State are begging US President Donald Trump to stop sending mixed signals. “First, you finally ditch those Kurds that have been killing us for years and let thousands of our prisoners break free,” one ISIS executive told The Mideast Beast. “Then just...

Kurds to Carry Out Mass Suicide as Revenge on Trump’s Syria Withdrawal
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Kurds to Carry Out Mass Suicide as Revenge on Trump’s Syria Withdrawal

Billing it as the biggest “fuck you” of the century, Kurdish president Nechirvan Barzani announced that all Kurds will take part in a mass suicide parade to be held outside some U.S. Morning Show over the weekend. “In response to Trump abandoning us, all Kurds are advised to kill themselves and their children publicly this Saturday, just to double check...

Ethnic Cleansings ‘Good and Easy to Win,’ Trump Says
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Ethnic Cleansings ‘Good and Easy to Win,’ Trump Says

With his decision to pull troops out of Syria already forcing 250,000 Kurds to flee their homes, US President Donald Trump is now calling himself a “genocide man” and bragging that “ethnic cleansings are good, and easy to win!” “This ethnic cleansing is going to be tremendous for the Kurds, great for America, and really just great for civilization,” Trump...

Revived ‘Islamic State’ Takes Note of Antifa’s Methods

Revived ‘Islamic State’ Takes Note of Antifa’s Methods

NORTHERN SYRIA – As President Trump brings the crayons to the fountain pen world of strategic thinking, the once-beaten Islamic State now roams freely over Northern Syria, deliberating over whose head is going to roll next. According to John, an IS jihadi pondering the current state of affairs, “It’s been so long since I’ve done some ‘slicing and dicing’ of...

Pence and Pompeo Book Airbnb in Tel Aviv

Pence and Pompeo Book Airbnb in Tel Aviv

Sources have confirmed that the US Vice President and Secretary of State have booked an extended stay in a two-bedroom property close to the beach in Tel Aviv. A spokesman for Vice President Pence commented, “This is a long planned and well-deserved vacation for the guys. They’ve been promising each other they would carve out some quality time since the...

Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei Impeached for Attempted Nuclear Program

Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei Impeached for Attempted Nuclear Program

Calling it a “huge surprise” and a “shocking news,” an Iranian government spokesman announced on Wednesday the impeachment of the Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei. The news comes following the discovery that Khamenei had been planning to use the nation’s uranium enrichment plants to develop weapons of mass destruction. Khamenei has a long history of denying such intentions, however, the...

LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season
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LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season

Calling them “misinformed” and blasting them for causing what he called a “really difficult week,” Lakers superstar LeBron James has called on protestors in Hong Kong to just relax until after the NBA season ends. “My team and I had like a 20-hour flight to China, and I really think these protestors didn’t stop and think about how their actions...

ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph
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ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph

The Islamic State has made US President Donald Trump the first non-Muslim to earn the title of “Honorary Caliph,” celebrating the American leader for helping to free more than 1,000 ISIS fighters. The distinction came after Trump announced that he would withdraw all forces from northern Syria, abandoning his Kurdish forces which long stood as the greatest threat to ISIS....

Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms
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Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms

In a dramatic reversal, leading Democrats are now supporting President Donald Trump’s sudden withdrawal from Syria’s Kurdish regions after it was revealed that the Kurdish government does not require businesses to operate gender-neutral bathrooms. Trump’s decision to pull troops and allow Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to invade the region had prompted bipartisan outrage, particularly after reports emerged of heavy...

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working
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Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working

With the Middle East once again in turmoil, Jared Kushner, who has high hopes of becoming a ‘real boy’ one day soon, believes his iPhone may have malfunctioned. A spokesman for the wooden puppe….. senior advisor to the President commented, “Jared is certain he hasn’t dropped his phone down a toilet recently, so he thinks this might be to do...

Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus
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Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus

Facing increasing criticism over his decision to abandon his Kurdish allies despite their key role in the fight against ISIS, US President Donald Trump now claims his decision stems from the Kurds’ refusal to intervene in the execution of Jesus nearly 2,000 years. Trump first claimed that the Kurds had not fought alongside Americans during the invasion of Normandy, justifying...

‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags
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‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags

Declaring that he was “absolutely tremendous” at betraying his country’s most loyal allies, US President Donald Trump declared in a press conference that he was the most prolific leader in US history at fucking over the Kurds. “Frankly, a lot of presidents were really pathetic when it came to convincing the Kurds to risk their lives on our behalves, and...