Satire

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus
,

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus

In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” said an Italian health official....

BDS: ‘Fine, You Can Watch Fauda’
,

BDS: ‘Fine, You Can Watch Fauda’

The leadership of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions (BDS) movement announced that even if you are dedicated to the destruction of Israel, it is permitted to watch Fauda. The decision was announced along with other allowances such as permission to use any Israeli-made vaccines for the virus, after they decided that its members were probably going to watch it anyway....

Assad Names Ellen DeGeneres Interior Minister
,

Assad Names Ellen DeGeneres Interior Minister

Looking to crush the last bit of resistance to his continued rule, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad has brought on talk show host Ellen DeGeneres as interior minister to keep the country’s Sunni majority in line. Assad made the appointment after reading about the strong hand DeGeneres took towards staff on her TV show. “I need someone who will rule with...

Israel Cracks Down on Marijuana to Get Back at Seth Rogen
,

Israel Cracks Down on Marijuana to Get Back at Seth Rogen

In response to criticism by Jewish-Canadian actor Seth Rogen, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that anti-marijuana laws will be enforced more strictly with harsher prison sentences. New prison sentences for marijuana possession will vary from a minimum of one month to a maximum of however long ‘Green Hornet’ feels like. The move was described by experts as the “biggest...

Trump Asks Iran to Dispose of Its Nuclear Stockpile by Dumping It on Portland
,

Trump Asks Iran to Dispose of Its Nuclear Stockpile by Dumping It on Portland

US President Donald Trump has requested that the Iranian government dumps their enriched uranium stockpile on Portland. The move comes after weeks of unrest led to federal law enforcement agents storming the Pacific Northwest city. “I found a solution. A great solution. The best solution,” said Trump in a 6,000-person rally which included 5,950 people above state restrictions. “Iran has...

Seth Rogen, Ahmadinejad to Costar in Stoner Terrorist Comedy
,

Seth Rogen, Ahmadinejad to Costar in Stoner Terrorist Comedy

Actor and comedian Seth Rogen will team up with former Iranian President and die-hard Tupac fan Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a comedy about the duo’s marijuana-filled attempt to launch a terrorist attack on Israel, Point Grey Pictures announced. Ahmadinejad will play himself in the film, as he looks to cap off his career of public service with a devastating suicide bombing...

SJP Instagram Account Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
,

SJP Instagram Account Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

People around the world found reason to rejoice this week after discovering that the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict has finally been solved. In what’s being labelled a, “like react for world peace”, the decades long struggle for regional calm was finally resolved once and for all by a collegiate Students for Justice in Palestine Instagram post. The post was similar to all...

Inspired by MLB, ISIS Launches Attacks on Cardboard Cutouts
,

Inspired by MLB, ISIS Launches Attacks on Cardboard Cutouts

Looking to keep spirits high despite its diminished territory and negligent offensive capabilities, the Islamic State has begun carrying out suicide attacks against cardboard cutouts of infidels. ISIS leader Amir Muhammad al-Mawla got the idea after watching a Major League Baseball (MLB) game in which the stands were filled with cardboard fans, as in-person attendance is banned because of COVID-19....

Netanyahu: Like Moses, Water Cannons Help to Drown Out My Enemies

Netanyahu: Like Moses, Water Cannons Help to Drown Out My Enemies

Defending the use of water cannons against – apart from one or two assholes – peaceful protestors in Jerusalem this weekend, Netanyahu argued that, just like Moses, he was simply imposing his use of water to drown his enemies. “I live my life according to scripture” said Bibi at a press conference. “And in this instance God was clearly telling...

Arab League: “There’s no ‘We’ in Uighur”
,

Arab League: “There’s no ‘We’ in Uighur”

After weeks of replacing the 2020 Olympic gymnastics with the mental gymnastics of calling Israelis ‘genocidal’ while ignoring a very real genocide of Muslims in China, the Arab League released a statement in favor of their current relationship with China, stating: “Contrary to popular belief there is no ‘We’ in Uighur.” In their much-anticipated statement, the Arab League made it...

Tourists Still Visiting Israel Not the Types of People You Would Want to Holiday With
,

Tourists Still Visiting Israel Not the Types of People You Would Want to Holiday With

In a touching sign of support for the always-embattled nation, and with clear indications of “something just being a bit wrong with them” tourists are still flocking to Israel. Whether it’s to enjoy the rocket filled skies in the south or the all-year-long seething religious tension in Jerusalem, there is something for everyone’s budget. Tour operator David Binglebloom said “surprisingly,...

Kanye Named Shas Leader After $1 Million Per Child Proposal

Kanye Named Shas Leader After $1 Million Per Child Proposal

In a shocking move, the Israeli political-religious party Shas has chosen rapper Kanye West as its candidate for prime minister after the celebrity proposed giving $1 million per child to new mothers. The plan, announced Sunday, has led West’s popularity to skyrocket in Israel’s Haredi, or ultra-orthodox, communities, where the average birth rate is nearly seven children per Haredi woman....

Iranians Disappointed That ‘Death to America’ Ended up Being so Anticlimactic
,

Iranians Disappointed That ‘Death to America’ Ended up Being so Anticlimactic

Iranians are reporting feelings of despondency this week after decades of ‘Death to America’ chants are manifesting in American citizens’ phenomenally stupid COVID responses. The country, best known for its exports of rugs, caviar, the odd terror attack, and anti-Americanism, is now experiencing a general malaise, as although America is finally on the brink of death, it’s far less dramatic...

Head of Israeli Air Force Denies Purchase of U.S. Tanker Planes Has Anything to Do With Iran, Says It’s for a Road Trip
,

Head of Israeli Air Force Denies Purchase of U.S. Tanker Planes Has Anything to Do With Iran, Says It’s for a Road Trip

The Israeli Air Force (IAF) has reportedly asked the US to purchase KC -46 Pegasus tankers earlier than originally planned. The request is raising eyebrows that the aerial refueling capability might be for an attack on Iran. Although at a press conference, Commander of the Israeli Air Force, General Amikam Norkum, said that was not the case. “The Tankers are...

Progressives Demand China Paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on Street
,

Progressives Demand China Paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on Street

With images emerging of Uyghurs being forced into train cars and legal experts now calling China’s treatment of the ethnic minority a genocide, US progressive leaders have demanded Chinese President Chinese President Xi Jinping paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on a prominent roadway. “The forced sterilization and re-education of the Uyghur is a crime against humanity, and it must be met...

Hamas Changes Name to Gaza Redskins to Appeal to Republicans
,

Hamas Changes Name to Gaza Redskins to Appeal to Republicans

In an unusual move, the Palestinian organization Hamas – currently designated as a terrorist organization by the US Administration – decided to change their official name to the Gaza Redskins in order to appeal more to the American Conservative/Republican audience. The move came after the Washington Redskins decided to drop their name after mounting political pressure. “We want to let...

Report: Al Qaeda No Longer Hates America for its Freedom

Report: Al Qaeda No Longer Hates America for its Freedom

President Donald J. Trump has won the War on Terror, as al Qaeda announced late Friday that it no longer hates Americans for their freedoms. “When we attacked you on September 11, we did so because we resented your strong democracy, your freedom of speech and freedom of press, and your freedom to disagree with each other in a civilized...

Iraqi Government to Send in Forces to Liberate America

Iraqi Government to Send in Forces to Liberate America

Stemming from civil unrest, riots, indiscriminate police brutality against human throats, and an unclear hostility towards face masks, the United States has been chosen by Iraq as their next reform target because clearly, they can’t govern themselves. After receiving their own democratic makeover from the altruistic Bush administration, the Iraqi government realized it’s only right for them to repay the...

White House: America’s New Counter-Terrorism Plan is To Destroy Itself
, ,

White House: America’s New Counter-Terrorism Plan is To Destroy Itself

While It seems like the United States is handling the coronavirus pandemic about as well as a Parkinson’s patient in a minefield, a Pentagon source says that this might be more intentional than the public was originally led to believe. According to a source at the Pentagon, it’s part of America’s new cutting-edge counter-terrorism policy: The terrorists can’t destroy America...

The Hagia Sophia to Reopen as a Disney World
,

The Hagia Sophia to Reopen as a Disney World

This week the CEO of the only globalist organization Trump hasn’t pulled out of, Disney World, reopened its parks during a surge of infections. Similarly controversially, Turkish President Erdogan decided to revert the Hagia Sophia into a mosque because, as it turns out, a pandemic is boring without a backdrop of sectarian violence. However, both leaders quickly realized that these...