Satire

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group
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ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, what remains of the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a...

UNRWA II Established for CHAZ Refugees

UNRWA II Established for CHAZ Refugees

The United Nations has launched a second UN Relief and Works Agency to support refugees from the now-defunct nation of CHAZ. The agency, which will be called UNRWA II, will provide services for the dozens of refugees evicted from their country when the regime of Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan invaded and ethnically cleansed the enclave. “Many of those forced to...

American Troops to Resurrect Saddam Statue
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American Troops to Resurrect Saddam Statue

In a bid to protect his wax figure at Madame Tussauds, President Trump recently signed an executive order protecting confederate monuments. This order decreed that although these statues remind many of a reign of terror and bloodshed against their families, the statues are necessary reminders of historical truths. Real Americans, Trump says, do not topple intimate objects, which is why...

Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy
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Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy

Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world that it is, indeed, a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing an ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “Look at other successful terrorist organizations; all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible. In the name of Allah, what do...

Trump Proposes Turning Hagia Sophia into Casino

Trump Proposes Turning Hagia Sophia into Casino

Looking to find a compromise between proponents of keeping the site as a museum and those looking to turn it into a mosque, President Donald Trump has released a plan to turn the famed Hagia Sophia in Istanbul into a state-of-the-art casino. Trump’s proposal comes as a Turkish court considers a plan to turn the UNESCO World Heritage Site, which...

British Protests, Violence Mark 244 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
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British Protests, Violence Mark 244 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans put social distancing on hold to celebrate the 244th anniversary of its independence with illegal barbeques at forbidden gatherings due to the novel coronavirus, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...

Palestinians Decry Unilateral Annexation as Denying Palestinian’s Historical Right to Say “No”

Palestinians Decry Unilateral Annexation as Denying Palestinian’s Historical Right to Say “No”

The Palestinian Authority continues to protest Netanyahu’s plans for unilateral annexation of parts of the West Bank as destructive to the peace process and denies Palestinians their historic right to say “No” to literally any other solution that might actually work. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said in a public statement that the Palestinian people would not be denied their historical...

Iran: Coronavirus, Not Violent Homophobia, Reason for Pride Cancellation
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Iran: Coronavirus, Not Violent Homophobia, Reason for Pride Cancellation

June is Pride Month, and in many countries it is a time to celebrate sexual diversity by plastering rainbow flags on pretty much anything and holding parades where people dance down the streets in speedos spreading glitter on everyone and everywhere. However, this year’s festivities are being put on hold because of the relentless novel coronavirus. One country, however, will...

ISIS Wins Left-Wing Support After Changing Name to Anti-ISIS

ISIS Wins Left-Wing Support After Changing Name to Anti-ISIS

Islamic terror group ISIS has seen a surge in popularity, particularly among left-leaning millennials, after officially changing its name to “Anti-ISIS.” The group emphasized that it has not altered its mission or ideology and will continue to inflict mass casualty attacks on innocent civilians, primarily in the Muslim World. But calling itself Anti-ISIS has allowed the group to frame all...

Princeton Replaces Wilson School of International Affairs with ‘Kushner School of Winging It’
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Princeton Replaces Wilson School of International Affairs with ‘Kushner School of Winging It’

The latest public reckoning around racist, or as academia calls them “controversial,” figures befell Princeton University this weekend as activists pushed for the removal of Woodrow Wilson’s name from the School of International Affairs. In a surprise move the administration agreed with the students, stating that the name “International Affairs” is outdated and should be replaced with something more representative...

Shocking Bolton Exposé Reveals Iraq War was Secretly About Oil
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Shocking Bolton Exposé Reveals Iraq War was Secretly About Oil

In his new tell-all, The Room Where It Happened, former National Security Advisor John Bolton makes an array of shocking allegations, with information coming from inside the walls of the Trump White House. What has gone uncovered by conventional media, however, is the previously undisclosed assertion that the 2003 invasion of Iraq was, at least on some level, about access...

De Blasio: Jews in New York Will be Required to Wear Identifying Mark

De Blasio: Jews in New York Will be Required to Wear Identifying Mark

The Mayor of New York, Bill de Blasio announced this week that due to Coronavirus restriction infractions by the Jewish community, Jews will be required to wear an identifying mark. The measure was an effort to allow the police to easily identify and stop Jews from doing anything that the State felt was detrimental to society in general. When asked...

Bubba Wallace Calls FBI After Mistaking Blackout Curtain for ISIS Flag

Bubba Wallace Calls FBI After Mistaking Blackout Curtain for ISIS Flag

FBI investors have determined that NASCAR racer Bubba Wallace was not the victim of a terror attack after an investigation revealed that the black curtain hanging over his window was not, in fact, an ISIS flag. Wallace called police after entering his home and finding what appeared to be the black ISIS flag hanging in front of his window. The...

Yemen to Trump: Now You Know What Bombing Feels Like
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Yemen to Trump: Now You Know What Bombing Feels Like

For years Yemen has been experiencing the (currently) worst humanitarian crisis of the 21st century, a country throat punched by war, famine, and pestilence, and much like Ivanka trying to mingle, they too are consistently ignored by global leaders. However, Yemeni diplomats felt a flicker of hope this week after watching Trump’s disastrous attempt at a campaign-relaunch rally over the...

Israel to Annex CHAZ Instead of West Bank

Israel to Annex CHAZ Instead of West Bank

After months of speculation about the nature of Israel’s looming annexation, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has shocked the world. Instead of annexing the West Bank, Israel will formally take control of an area in Seattle known as the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ). Israel’s Ambassador to the United States, Ron Dermer, told The Mideast Beast that the decision to...

Palestinians Accuse CHAZ/CHOP of Cultural Appropriation
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Palestinians Accuse CHAZ/CHOP of Cultural Appropriation

Palestinian activists are accusing the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone of appropriating Palestinian culture after they made up their own country in six square blocks of Seattle. “It’s not fair” one Palestinian in Ramallah said, “these white people steal everything: hummus, rioting, and now making up their own countries in random places?” For nearly two weeks, six city blocks of Seattle...