“I’m frankly a bit disappointed in myself,” sighed Ms. Berkman. “As a BSU sorority sophomore I should be expected to keep the alcohol fueled orgy going the full 10 days of the trip. I think the weather got to me.” Becca Berkman, 20, is a second year student and chairman of Kinda Jewish Sorta Supporting Israel Student Association at Big...
American intelligence officials were dismayed to learn that a group of men believed to be moderate Syrian rebels were in fact just ISIS members in Halloween costumes. Hopes were raised when a CIA source spotted a group of military-age males walking into a Damascus-area Starbucks in Western clothing. None of the men were wearing ski masks or carrying scimitars or severed...
“What emotion are they feeling?!” asked a befuddled Twitter user earlier today following the release of a new emojis series from Apple. Featuring niqab-clad faces displaying a wide range of emotions for users to choose from, the new emojis came with a statement from Apple, explaining the additions. According to the tech giant, “After we introduced more racially sensitive emoji...
“We just wanted to see if we could”, was the explanation given earlier today by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization, as it passed yet another resolution claiming a bagel store in West Jerusalem as a Palestinian heritage site. UNESCO has come under heavy fire over the past year for a number of resolutions that deny a historical...
In response to the recent United Nations Security Council resolution regarding Israeli settlements, Prime Minister Netanyahu announced Israel will be launching a space expedition from its Palmachim Airbase to find suitable land to build new settlements on. Naturally, the Obama administration condemned the decision without really knowing why but mainly because of a nagging doubt that if Netanyahu wants to do...
Last week’s, ‘Women in Society’ conference held in Saudi Arabia was a complete sausage fest. Organizers confirmed it had been as yet another ruse to leave all the women indoors, for ‘some peace and fucking quiet’. A spokesperson for the conference, attended by over 15 Arab countries, told The Mideast Beast, ‘I thought I’d gone deaf for a moment, then...
Hailing the U.S. President-elect’s “strength, wealth and galactic levels of narcissism and sexual predatorism,” Syria’s Bashar al-Assad has crowned Donald J. Trump “the United States of America’s first Middle Eastern President.” “I take great pride in your election,” said al-Assad, according to a transcript of a phone call between the two released online this morning by the Syrian Presidency. “As...
In a move it insists is not aimed at antagonizing President Obama, nor the recent “massive spike in violence”, the Israeli government has approved 400 new settlement units in South Chicago. Those settlements will span Obama’s home and the neighborhoods in which the president once worked as a community organizer. Several public housing apartment buildings in Chicago’s Roseland and West...
Seth Finklebaumstein, a 19-year-old sophomore at Duke University, returned home from his ‘Birthright’ Israel experience this summer still a virgin, sources say. “Well, I was disappointed to say the least,” the fraternity brother explained. While there have been previous rumors of participants not hooking up, Mr. Finklebaumstein is the first confirmed case. The ‘Birthright’ experience is a free, 10-day trip...
TEL AVIV – Israeli warplanes have reportedly gate crashed the ongoing Saudi coalition against Shia Houthi insurgents threatening the Yemeni Government. Colonel Yossi Fluffer, Head of Aerial Ass Kicking with the Israeli Air Force commented; “We are just sick of people bombing Muslims without letting us have a go first. The guys have been pretty out of sorts since the Syrian...
Hidden away in the budget just sent to Congress by the Obama Administration is a proposal to cut military aid to Israel. The budget states that the US could save billions of dollars by reducing aid to the Jewish State that could then be used on shiny new toys like the F35 Joint Strike Fighter. Ironically, this comes at a time...
Following the success of the Ice Bucket Challenge in aid of ALS, Hamas and the IDF have been moved to create their very own charity fundraising scheme. Saul Starstein, Director of Giving for the IDF explained more. “We all accept that our media profile is really not that great. Now’s not the time to get into the blame game of...
Everyone knows that Mecca is the holiest city in Islam. Fewer people know that the second holiest city for Muslims is Medina. Similarly, everyone knows that San Francisco is the holiest city in the world for homosexuals. However, for decades, homosexuality has lacked a second-holiest site. But that all changed this week, when homosexual clerics officially declared Tel Aviv to...
Following a recent low profile trip to Israel, and following in the footsteps of other celebrities, sources close to rapper Marshall Mathers, better known by his stage name “Eminem,” say he may be planning to convert to Judaism. “I really thought I was being original with the whole white anger thing, and constantly complaining about my mother and then feeling guilty...
In the latest setback for Donald Trump’s business empire, and no we’re not talking about Trump taking it in the pooper by Jon Stewart, the Islamic State has announced it will cut ties with the billionaire real estate mogul following his controversial remarks about Mexican immigrants. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the terrorist group will destroy all Trump hotels in their territory....
German chancellor Angela Merkel has been mounting pressure on Israel to take the Egyptian government to court over its historical enslavement of the Jewish people and sue for reparations. Speaking from Berlin, Merkel said, “The time has come. We’re experts over here at paying for Germany’s occasional errors so we feel it’s only right that Israel follows our lead.” Outlining ideas...
Following Turkey’s downing of a Russian fighter jet near the Turkish-Syrian border, the United States and Turkey are reportedly on the verge of a deal that would send Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to America in exchange for his American counterpart, Barack Obama. “We’ve been looking for someone who could stand up to [Russian President Vladimir] Putin, so the chance...
Today, a group of Muslim states including the Islamic Republic of Iran, the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan, and the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, released a statement making clear that they view Israel’s existence as a Jewish State as being contrary to the ideals of democracy and human welfare. The statement posited, “How can a state based upon serving a single...
After leaving al Qaeda and pledging allegiance to ISIS, Boko Haram leaders have openly admitted they were not looking forward to picking up their personal belongings from al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri’s apartment. “It’s going to be super awkward, since Zawahiri is definitely going to start crying and begging us to come back,” admitted Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau. “I’d...
Bathroom attendants at the Al-Aqsa Mosque in Jerusalem have called a strike over what they say are poor working conditions brought on by the frequent Israeli ban on younger Muslims worshipping at the third holiest site for Islam. Ibrahim Batatu one of the leaders of the protest told The Mideast Beast the reasons behind the strike. “You have no idea how...
