Satire

Iranian Economy in Crisis as Flammable American Flag Sales Plummet

Iranian Economy in Crisis as Flammable American Flag Sales Plummet

With protestors in the streets in Iran over the rise in the cost of gasoline, and the economy crippled by American sanctions, another key Iranian industry is suffering a severe downturn: flammable American flags. Since the revolution, the Iranian regime has supplemented their economy that was largely based on oil and flying-carpet revenues with the sale of American flags that...

Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate
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Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate

In a move aimed at highlighting their party’s diversity, the Democratic Party announced that Palestinian-American rapper DJ Khaled will take the debate stage alongside the party’s six leading white candidates. The decision came amid concern among Democratic leaders that all candidates to qualify for the debate would be white following Senator Kamala Harris’s withdrawal from the race. “We are the...

Trump Dangles Gold Coin, Potato Latke in Bid for Jewish Votes

Trump Dangles Gold Coin, Potato Latke in Bid for Jewish Votes

In his latest attempt to gain ground among Jewish voters, President Donald Trump dangled a large gold coin for 15 minutes during a speech at the Israeli-American Council summit. “Would you look at that? And plenty more where that came from!” Trump declared, drawing confused murmurs from the crowd. “I know you guys like that. And if I lose, there...

White House Confirms: Only Poor Muslims Can Be Terrorists

White House Confirms: Only Poor Muslims Can Be Terrorists

A White House spokesman has confirmed that only those earning less than $100 a year can be properly defined as terrorists, whilst those from ‘good homes’ probably just needed a high-quality East Coast counsellor to talk through their anger issues with. “The President has been speaking to King Salman this morning and the two are in agreement that the tragic...

US Cuts Off Relations With Israel After Netanyahu Buys Trump a Peloton
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US Cuts Off Relations With Israel After Netanyahu Buys Trump a Peloton

In an unexpected crisis between two allies, the US has ended all diplomatic relations with Israel after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu bought President Donald Trump a Peloton exercise bike as a holiday gift. Netanyahu purchased the stationary bike after seeing an ad for the company, believing it would be a perfect way to thank the president for his administration’s support...

Egypt’s Sisi Supports Trump’s Impeachment After Hearing that it is a ‘Coup’

Egypt’s Sisi Supports Trump’s Impeachment After Hearing that it is a ‘Coup’

Democrats’ attempt to impeach President Donald Trump has earned the support of Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, after Republicans described efforts to remove the president as “a coup.” “I was never a big fan of impeachment when it was a constitutionally mandated process to hold a powerful and divisive head of state accountable,” Sisi explained. “But a sudden, violent takeover...

Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving
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Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving

It has been confirmed that President Trump used his recent visit to Afghanistan to order US Army commanders to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry...

Iran Mistakenly Cracks Down on Hong Kong Protests

Iran Mistakenly Cracks Down on Hong Kong Protests

Admitting they were completely baffled by a popular uprising that had nothing to do with the regime, Iran has mistakenly sent forces to crack down on anti-government protestors in Hong Kong. Although the protestors are demanding independence from the Chinese government, Iranian leaders said that recent demonstrations in Iran, Iraq and Lebanon had led the Ayatollahs to reflexively put down...

Human Rights Watch Praises Iran for Only Killing Shitty Civilians
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Human Rights Watch Praises Iran for Only Killing Shitty Civilians

Defending the Islamic Republic’s brutal crackdown against economic protestors, Human Rights Watch Executive Director Kenneth Roth praised the Iranian government for only killing civilians who were “really losers to begin with anyway.” “If reports are true, Iran’s record of only killing shitty civilians who weren’t contributing much to begin with is commendable,” Roth Tweeted. “It would be better if they...

Hamas Feels Betrayed as Israel Cheats with Islamic Jihad
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Hamas Feels Betrayed as Israel Cheats with Islamic Jihad

Following the recent targeted killing of a high-ranking leader of Palestinian militant group Islamic Jihad, violence erupted as the terrorist organization and the IDF traded blows. While the media portrayed both sides as being victims of violence and extremism, it seems as if the true victim in this conflict has somehow been passed over: a heartbroken Hamas. Late last night...

Bloomberg’s Mideast Peace Plan Gives $1m to All Non-Terrorists

Bloomberg’s Mideast Peace Plan Gives $1m to All Non-Terrorists

In an ambitious blueprint towards an Israeli-Palestinian peace agreement, Democratic presidential candidate and former NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg has proposed giving $1 million of his personal fortune to any Palestinian that agrees not to be a terrorist. Speaking at his campaign launch, Bloomberg said a final status agreement is possible if both sides have sufficient incentives, which he will provide...

Giuliani Offers to Take Fall for Netanyahu Too

Giuliani Offers to Take Fall for Netanyahu Too

Former Mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani has offered to admit to an Israeli court that he has been running a back-channel operation receiving money and gifts from wealthy donors without the knowledge of Prime Minister Netanyahu. A spokesman for Mr. Giuliani commented, “Rudy has already accepted that he will be the blood sacrifice for the latest episode of ‘Shit...

Chick-fil-A Begins Donating to Hezbollah in Effort to Please Far Left

Chick-fil-A Begins Donating to Hezbollah in Effort to Please Far Left

After ending donations to two controversial Christian charities, fast food chain Chick-fil-A is looking to gain additional left-wing customers by instead giving the funds to Islamist militant group Hezbollah. Officials from the Georgia-based fried chicken joint privately called the decision a win-win. “These contributions have somehow increased our support among progressives, who see Hezbollah as a like-minded organization,” one Chick-fil-A...

Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow BDSM Kit
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Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow BDSM Kit

In an embarrassing mix-up, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas ordered hundreds of beginner’s BDSM kits from actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s gift guide, believing it was associated with the BDS, or Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions, movement against Israel. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh initially appeared triumphant after making the $1,350 purchase. Haniyeh released a video in which he donned black leather restraints on his wrists and...

BDS Students Boycott Potential for Nuance

BDS Students Boycott Potential for Nuance

After a slew of protests at American colleges, the Students for BDS movement declared this week that boycotting Israel now includes blocking any potential for nuanced thought. In what’s being labelled “brave” by sociology professors across the country, Students have reached the pinnacle of non-violent protest: never causing any mental pain to themselves. Merely banning material things is too capitalist,...

Erdogan Rounds Up ‘People’ Reporters After ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Snub
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Erdogan Rounds Up ‘People’ Reporters After ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Snub

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has begun arresting reporters for People magazine on terrorism charges after the publication once again passed him over for its annual ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ award. Within minutes of the magazine awarding singer and EGOT winner John Legend the honor for 2019, Erdogan’s forces had hauled away dozens of journalists and staff members, calling them enemies...

Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran
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Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran

Following the overwhelming success of his first book Triggered, Donald Trump Jr., the Trump kid voted most likely to have a dead stripper in the trunk of his Lincoln Town Car three years in a row, has announced that his next project will be a detailed analysis of the Koran and its meaning in the modern world. A spokesman commented,...

Former Al Qaeda Jihadist Disappointed He Didn’t Qualify for Veterans Day Sales
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Former Al Qaeda Jihadist Disappointed He Didn’t Qualify for Veterans Day Sales

Calling it a “disgusting act of Islamophobia,” former Al Qaeda jihadist Mohammad al-Baktar, who now refers to himself as Martin Brown, was rejected from participating in any of his local malls’ Veterans Day sales. “I cannot believe that this is happening in 2019,” Mr. Brown said during an interview with one reporter from The Mideast Beast. “Back in Afghanistan I...

Bloomberg Prepared to Lead Israel

Bloomberg Prepared to Lead Israel

Former Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, has confirmed that in the highly unlikely outcome that his potential third attempt to become US President is unsuccessful he is more than willing to step in to lead Israel. A spokesman for Mr Bloomberg commented, “It’s clearly a longshot because we all recognize how amazingly successful independent candidates have been in presidential...

Trump Asks Turkey to Invade Mexico
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Trump Asks Turkey to Invade Mexico

Insisting that someone must do something about gang violence that now threatens US citizens, President Donald Trump has called on his Turkish counterpart, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, to send troops into Mexico. “These murderous gangs have been wreaking havoc on innocent families in Mexico and now America, and the only way to stop them is to confront them with overwhelming force,”...