Following the shock sentencing of three al-Jazeera journalists the Egyptian government said that it would continue its policy of imprisoning people for doing their jobs. Accountants, lawyers and tradesman are also beginning to be rounded up for “spreading false finances, law and products.” The government insisted that this is being done to defend the people from the ‘sinister tendrils’ of the...
In an about-face by Israeli policy makers following their antagonism towards the deal between the United States and Iran, Farsi will now replace Hebrew and Arabic as the official Israeli national language. English will remain an unofficial language, though. In a statement to the press, an Israeli government spokesperson said, “we’ve decided to embrace the Iran deal, rather than fight...
Former US naval intelligence analyst, Jonathan Pollard, convicted of supplying information to Israel has been released from prison earlier than his official November 20 release date by over-zealous guards. According to prison officials, the guards cut him loose despite the possible severity of their actions. “He was driving us frickin’ nuts. Kept playing Engelbert Humperdinck’s ‘Release Me’ nonstop for the...
What seemed a monumental step for advancing women’s rights in Saudi Arabia – the right to register and vote for the first time in the conservative kingdom’s history – is more like a baby step with a full diaper. Starting August 22, women were able to register for upcoming elections, but The Mideast Beast reports indicate that only 16 have...
The Palestinian women captured on video fighting to stop an Israeli soldier from arresting a child last week admitted that their fierce resistance against the soldier was in fact due to a case of mistaken identity. “We saw a skinny white guy with his face covered, and saw how determined he was to get away with a young child, and...
PETA outrage grows over junior Jihad’s beheading of loveable plush teddy. “This savage, brutal assault is nothing new for these throwbacks. Too bad the little prick didn’t transgender himself with that blade,” noted an angry PETA Panda bear . The newly released chilling video shows an Islamic State punk-ass toddler, identified as the son of a jihadi; maxed-out in militant garb,...
After Islamic State demolition teams planted explosives which took down the 2,000-year-old shrine of Baal Shamin in the Syrian city of Palmyra, UNESCO has offered to rebuild the first century AD relic using popular LEGO® Bricks. Lego, the world’s largest toy manufacturer, based in Billund, Denmark, will recreate the pagan house of worship using its unique system of patented snap-together...
The Dinar (the newly minted currency of ISIS) has depreciated dramatically following shocking tremors in the international economy. It has wreaked havoc in business confidence in the Levant region. The region was left at the mercy to financial speculators and bankers, which even had Kurdish military forces saying, “dude, that’s a bit harsh.” RELATED: Islamic State’s ‘Second in Command’ Shocked to Find his Name on Ashley...
Recently, the U.S. government released a trove of documents found in 2011 in Osama bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, including an al Qaeda job application form. Through an anonymous source (it was Joe Biden), The Mideast Beast has obtained a copy of this form. Al Qaeda Job Application Thank you for your interest in joining al Qaeda, the world’s number...
U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry, has floated the possibility of providing Iran with nuclear weapons from its stockpile of ‘like-new’ surplus inventory. According to Kerry, “This action would eliminate the need for Tehran to develop weapons of mass destruction; cut valuable manufacturing time; do away with all the rather cumbersome problems of inspection and verification, which they won’t agree...
According to various news reports, The Islamic State has filed a massive lawsuit with the International Criminal Court against ISUS, or the “Islamic State Universal Sales Corp” over alleged counterfeiting and copyright infringement breaches. Calling itself “a cost-effective brand” that offers “Quality Jihad,” ISUS emerged soon after the founding of the original, when potential recruits complained about the high cost...
Nuclear negotiations have come to a halt as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, demanded to see President Obama’s long-form birth certificate before continuing discussions. Khamenei’s decision came after a letter sent by 47 Senate Republicans revealed that any deal signed with the President would be null and void because of a law requiring that he be born in the United...
Syrians have welcomed a new BBC report stating that air quality has improved substantially in the Middle East since the start of the civil war. Syrian civilian Abu Uba commented, “It’s really amazing news. Apparently levels of nitrogen dioxide have plummeted over Damascus and Aleppo. My family’s life expectancy should sky rocket. If it wasn’t for, you know, rockets…” One...
As the number of Syrian rebels undergoing US Army training reaches 60 of the hoped-for 5,400, US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has admitted that standards may have to “drop just a tad.” “At the moment a lot of people seem to think we are a being a bit too prescriptive in our selection procedure. For example, we ask whether they’ve...
Following Subway pitchman Jared Fogle’s plea deal on charges of child pornography and sex with minors, ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced plans to bring the sandwich chain to the Caliphate. “While we have been hesitant to allow infidel-owned businesses into our country, the news that Mr. Fogle had traveled across state lines to pay for sex with young girls...
Following the release of an Amnesty International report accusing Hamas of executing political opponents (among other war crimes) during last summer’s war in Gaza, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was reportedly seen kicking himself for leaving his own domestic critics unharmed during the operation. “While I’m wasting my time and taxpayer money creating bogus ministries and made-up positions for my political...
It’s been quite a few years since the world has seen Pamela Anderson, renowned PETA activist, storming a beach – but that may soon change. Wednesday, Hamas announced that it had captured a dolphin serving as a trained Israeli spy. In response, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), a U.S. based group of zealots activists, announced that they...
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu flocked with other American presidential hopefuls to the Iowa State Fair this past weekend. The event has become increasingly important in the race due to its proximity to a major caucus, and of course for its foot-long deep-fried corn dogs. While Donald Trump offered children rides in his helicopter, Netanyahu entertained the crowd at...
A month after taking the throne following the death of King Abdullah, Saudi Arabia’s new monarch was reportedly stunned to discover that many of the Kingdom’s residents – by some counts more than half – are in fact women. “In his first cabinet meeting, King Salman mentioned that while vacationing in the French Riviera or hosting parties in his yacht’s...
Jewish-American rapper Matisyahu has come under fire after pulling out of a Spanish reggae festival after the festival’s organizers refused to publicly disavow the Spanish Inquisition. Matisyahu was originally scheduled to play at Spain’s Rototom Sunsplash festival this Saturday. Festival organizers, however, said Matisyahu contacted them this week and asked them to write a public letter or produce a video clearly...
