Politics

Iranians Busy Thinking Up New Concessions to Demand From Obama and Kerry

Iranians Busy Thinking Up New Concessions to Demand From Obama and Kerry

Iran appears to hold the weaker hand in negotiations, the Iranian economy shrinking and currency depreciating, yet sources tell The Israeli Daily that Ayatollah Khamenei and his advisors are trying to identify new concessions to extract from President Obama and Secretary Kerry. A source close to Khamenei described the situation; “We’re as surprised as anybody. We knew our demands were excessive: an immediate end to all sanctions, the release of over $100 billion frozen in foreign banks, keeping thousands of spinning...

Radical Offshoot of Human Rights Watch Sends Strike Team to Nepal to Assassinate Victims Saved by Israel

Radical Offshoot of Human Rights Watch Sends Strike Team to Nepal to Assassinate Victims Saved by Israel

After Human Rights Watch’s head Kenneth Roth tweeted condemnation of Israel for constructing a 60 bed field hospital in Nepal, sources tell The Israeli Daily (TID) that a radical offshoot of the organization called ‘No Jewish Human Rights Watch’ has dispatched a strike team to hunt down those Nepalese who accepted Israel’s offer of life saving assistance. “Defending human rights requires shedding blood,” wrote NJHRC’s leader, Sub Commander Fred. “Usually that’s Jewish blood, so nobody really cares, but this situation...

President of Iran Condemns New Stars Wars Movie as Anti-Iranian

President of Iran Condemns New Stars Wars Movie as Anti-Iranian

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani denounced the soon-to-be released Star Wars: Episode VII, in a speech carried live on state-run television. “I’ve seen the trailers. This American propaganda piece warps strong, charismatic, security-minded leaders and turns them into monsters. Emperor Palpatine loves democracy and the Republic, as do I. Only Western nations hell-bent on destabilizing our region would support a movie that portrays a well-intentioned public servant as a tyrant,” Iran’s President said. While Rouhani’s address to the Iranian people was...

Iran Agrees to Full and Open Inspections Everywhere, Except Places They Might Keep a Nuclear Bomb

Iran Agrees to Full and Open Inspections Everywhere, Except Places They Might Keep a Nuclear Bomb

A White House spokesman has rejected claims by opponents of a framework agreement that the Iranian defense Minister’s had stated that all military facilities would be closed to international inspection. Iranian Defense Minister, Brigadier General Hossein Dehgan was reported as saying that “…visiting military centers are among the red lines and no visit to these centers will be allowed.” White House spokesman Mr. Robert Onuttin explained that the President considered that statement “unfortunate,” because “honestly, we don’t need this shit...

Christian, Jewish Terrorist Groups Announce they too Planned to Attack Charlie Hebdo

Christian, Jewish Terrorist Groups Announce they too Planned to Attack Charlie Hebdo

Both Christian and Jewish terrorist groups today released statements that they too had long been planning attacks against Charlie Hebdo. “For too long, these godless communists had poked fun at our Lord Christ,” began the release from Perpetually Righteous Irate Christian Kooks, leader D. Amst Upid. “P.R.I.C.K. planned to stage our action the Tuesday before the action by the Satan worshippers at ISIS. However, we were delayed. “The Last Temptation of Christ” was playing on the big screen. The Director’s...

Palestine Soccer Team to Play Israel…For a State

Palestine Soccer Team to Play Israel…For a State

Israel has confirmed Palestine can have its own country if it beats the Jewish State at a game of soccer. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, an Israeli spokesman said they were confident in the challenge as “apparently we shoot all the good Palestinian footballers anyway.” BDS activists said that they would boycott the event if Israel were to use human walls to protect its goal should Palestine receive any direct free kicks. RELATED: Israeli Leaders Debate Pettiest Way to Respond to Palestinian Hague Bid...

Chickens Blast Obama Administration for Netanyahu Comparison

Chickens Blast Obama Administration for Netanyahu Comparison

Last October, after a senior Obama official referred to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as “chickenshit,” the remarks drew a quick and harsh rebuke from chickens worldwide. “Not only is the term used offensively, but on behalf of all chickens I emphatically reject the comparison to Prime Minister Netanyahu,” said Clucker, a 3-year-old Leghorn Chicken living in Montana. “For the Obama administration to compare us to a guy who spends $2,000 on ice cream and then can’t afford to attend...

New Israeli Immigrants Realize They’ve Made a Huge Mistake

New Israeli Immigrants Realize They’ve Made a Huge Mistake

As Israel has embraced new waves of immigrants entering the country, those immigrants are slowly starting to realize that the ‘land of milk and honey’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “Land of milk and honey, my ass! I’ve made a huge mistake,” said David Greenberg while holding a surfboard on his way to the beach. “I left a six figure salary in New York and came to Tel Aviv where the only apartment I can afford is a...

Following Lauryn Hill’s Concert Cancellation, Israel Agrees to Leave West Bank

Following Lauryn Hill’s Concert Cancellation, Israel Agrees to Leave West Bank

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu promised Israel will evacuate its military and civilians from the West Bank and end its blockade on the Gaza Strip Tuesday, a day after hip hop star Lauryn Hill announced the cancellation of a scheduled concert in protest of Israel’s occupation of the Palestinian territories. “As I’ve said repeatedly, withdrawing from the West Bank puts our citizens at risk and breaks our promise to God to rule over all of biblical Israel,” Netanyahu said at...

Kerry: ‘We’re Focused on Teaching Americans to Find Yemen on a Map’

Kerry: ‘We’re Focused on Teaching Americans to Find Yemen on a Map’

US Secretary of State John Kerry said Saturday that the United States is working “very hard” to help geographically challenged Americans locate the war-torn Republic of Yemen. “I’ve pretty much tuned out of the Middle East. This State Department gig is about to end and I’ve been surfing LinkedIn for my next career challenge. I’ll manage. I mean have you ever received a call from some assclown trying to sell you office supplies who had this fantastically pretentiousness Boston Brahmin accent? Not bloody...

KKK Grand Wizard Asks for Clarity on ‘Muslim-Commie’ Obama

KKK Grand Wizard Asks for Clarity on ‘Muslim-Commie’ Obama

In an open letter to media outlets around the world, the Grand Wizard of the KKK has requested urgent clarification on the exact status of President Obama. “This is a matter of the greatest importance, as all we read about now is how the president is actually a Muslim or an ‘Islamic’; we already know he ain’t been born in America. What we in the Klan want to know is, what happened to him just being an uppity nigger?” “I...

Netanyahu Throws Hat in Republican Presidential Race

Netanyahu Throws Hat in Republican Presidential Race

Following the announcements made this week by Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Captain America, Carly Fiorina and Walker: Texas Ranger, Israeli Prime Minister (1996-1999, 2009-2035) Benjamin Netanyahu declared his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Conservative political analysts hailed the move noting that Netanyahu’s affinities for propagating ruthless capitalism, fomenting violent Islamophobia, pissing off Obama and Hillary, and needlessly quoting from the Old Testament in speeches, mark him as a leading candidate for the nomination. The main criticism of Netanyahu is...

Israel Defense Force Arrives in Texas at the Behest of Governor

Israel Defense Force Arrives in Texas at the Behest of Governor

Advanced elements of the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) were arriving last night in the Lone Star State to augment Texas State Guard units in their brave resistance against Muslim Special Forces “wage war against Americans.” Colonel Yoni Fluffberg of the IDF commented, “We got a video call yesterday from the Governors office. At first it was hard to make out what he was saying, as he was under the desk and whispering something about ‘they’re here!…’ But once we lured him...

Turkmenistan Admitted as Honorary Member of Middle East

Turkmenistan Admitted as Honorary Member of Middle East

In a festive ceremony held at the Syrian Ministry of Selective Human Rights in Damascus, Turkmen president-for-life-until-assassinated Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow (TID encourages skeptical readers to Google that name themselves) accepted a certificate of honorary Middle East membership from fellow regional rulers. The committee gave the Central Asian nation high marks in the categories of centralized corruption and popular persecution. Nationwide bans on video games, opera and long hair on men received extra points for creativity and arbitrariness. Judges praised the closure...

“Protocols of the Youngsters of Zion” To Hit Shelves This Summer

“Protocols of the Youngsters of Zion” To Hit Shelves This Summer

Earlier today a Saudi Arabian publisher announced that they would begin selling a new children’s book based on The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. The Protocols, originally published in Russia 1903, purport to outline the plan for Jewish global domination. (Spoiler alert: It hasn’t happened yet). Despite being revealed as a hoax in 1921, the work remains popular in the Muslim world, mainly because of the racy sex scenes and car chases (ed. You haven’t read the book, have...

Hamas Sends Delegation to Nepal, Rendering 10,000 Pro-Israel YouTube Videos Obsolete

Hamas Sends Delegation to Nepal, Rendering 10,000 Pro-Israel YouTube Videos Obsolete

Hamas, the ruling power in the Gaza Strip, has sent a delegation of 300 doctors, nurses, aid workers, and tunnel technicians to Nepal to assist in the earthquake relief effort. The move has rendered nearly every pro-Israel video available on YouTube completely obsolete. This is because all pro-Israel videos mention something about the fact that Israel helps the world and Hamas does not. An Israeli media official stated in an interview with The Israeli Daily, “Yea, that was kind of...

BDS Movement Advises Nepalese Quake Victims to Boycott Israeli Aid

BDS Movement Advises Nepalese Quake Victims to Boycott Israeli Aid

In the wake of a massive earthquake that left thousands dead, injured, homeless, and without basic necessities in Nepal this week, leaders of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement (BDS) offered some advice to the small nation. “If you see people offering help under an Israeli flag in the coming weeks, we ask that you simply seek assistance elsewhere,” said BDS leader Yoni Katz. Israel sent about 2,000 aid workers to Nepal, the largest personnel contribution of any nation. While...

As Part of Iran Deal, Obama to Convert to Shi’a Islam

As Part of Iran Deal, Obama to Convert to Shi’a Islam

Confirming oft-repeated rumors, White House spokesperson Ima Arz today revealed that President Barak Obama is in fact a member of the Muslim faith. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Asked why this revelation came at this time, Arz explained that after much soul searching the President had decided to abandon Sunni Islam, in favor of the minority Shi’a faction. The change was apparently a long time in coming. “Having hidden his belief in Allah, and His prophet Muhammad –...

The New York Times Unveils New “All-Israel” Section

The New York Times Unveils New “All-Israel” Section

In a dramatic announcement, The New York Times’ Editor Dean Baquet today unveiled the paper’s newest section, ‘All Israel.’ “A number of our readers open the paper just to scan for our Israel coverage. Some do it to complain that we are bashing Israel. Others so they can complain that we are not bashing Israel enough. Now they just need to go right to the ‘All Israel Section’.” Dying-media Analyst Rhea Cycle praised the move. “Look, as fewer and fewer...