Politics

Taking a Break from Jihad, Islamic State Leader Wins Laughs at 1st Annual Caliphate Correspondents’ Dinner

Taking a Break from Jihad, Islamic State Leader Wins Laughs at 1st Annual Caliphate Correspondents’ Dinner

Islamic State Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is used to killing it. This time, however, the slaying took place on the stage as al-Baghdadi made his comedy debut, headlining the first Caliphate Correspondents’ Dinner in nearly 100 years. “Now I hope you enjoy my jokes this evening, but please, let’s make sure nobody laughs their head off. We save that little gift for the Infidels.” Baghdadi quipped. “Wow, looks like we have some crowd tonight. President Obama couldn’t make it, but...

Netanyahu Questions Future American Relations as Obama Returns Mix Tape

Netanyahu Questions Future American Relations as Obama Returns Mix Tape

Sources close to Benjamin Netanyahu confirmed reports yesterday that the Prime Minister was ‘outraged’ and ‘crushed’ after President Obama returned a box of Netanyahu’s belongings, including a mix tape made specifically for the President. “I just don’t know what happened,” the Prime Minister stated. “One day everything’s fine, the next day he’s flirting with Iran on a terrible nuke deal? I poured my heart and soul into that tape, you just can’t give it back.” RELATED: Diplomatic Crisis as Obama Unfriends...

Iran Asks United Nations to Ban Question Marks

Iran Asks United Nations to Ban Question Marks

The Islamic Republic of Iran has filed a draft resolution in favor of removing the ‘question mark’ from all official UN documents. “We feel good about our chances,” Iran’s Deputy Foreign Minister Babak Zardooz was quoted as saying. “If the Western powers are forced to stop asking questions, Iran will gladly sign a framework agreement pertaining to our completely civilian nuclear program,” Zardooz explained. The Deputy Foreign Minister maintains that annoying questions about Iran’s role in the internal affairs of several countries...

Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators

Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators

The tragic death of Grey’s Anatomy Dr. McDreamy has given many Middle Eastern dictators and other head separating organizations pause for thought. “His death just made things so real for me,” said Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, clearly holding back his tears. During his interview, the dictator with over 300,000 deaths on his hands was frantically texting his BFFs the news, most notably Russia’s Vladimir Putin who is currently on vacation in Ukraine and Iran’s radioactive Supreme Leader. “But,” he sobbed, “there...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Worried Obama’s “Getting Kind of Stalkery”

Iran’s Supreme Leader Worried Obama’s “Getting Kind of Stalkery”

A shaken Ayatollah Ali Khamenei today came to the local UN police precinct to report his fear that President Obama is “getting kind of stalkery.” When questioned, Khamenei admitted his concern that he might have led the President on. “Back in 2009, Obama sent me a letter. I was flattered: he’s young, handsome, and has the whole ‘hope’ thing going. Can you imagine him interested in an old guy like me?” Describing his response letter Khamenei insisted that he’s ‘no...

French Fries Finally Return to Washington D.C.

French Fries Finally Return to Washington D.C.

In a nod to France’s new military activism legislators on Capitol Hill are to vote to reinstate the qualifier ‘French’ in front of the fries on all menus across Washington. Speaking to The Israeli Daily a congressional staffer said that a bill would be introduced to the House in the next week. “We are hoping to acknowledge French support for the current operations against ISIS and the work they’ve been doing in sub-Saharan Africa,” the Democratic staffer stated. “They’ve been...

Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan

Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan

Ba’al, the master deity and supreme sky lord of the ancient Near East has decided to re-assert his authority over the peoples of modern day Israel. After retiring to Florida nearly 2,000 years ago, Ba’al has stated that his successors, Yahweh and Allah have “totally fucked shit up,” and have left him with no other choice than to return to his former job. Although he spent much of his time in retirement painting landscapes, Ba’al has admitted in an exclusive...

“Psyche! We never wanted a bomb”, says Iran

“Psyche! We never wanted a bomb”, says Iran

An Iranian whistle blower, probably working for Mossad, has told The Israeli Daily that the Islamic Republic’s attempts to obtain nuclear power and weapons is just a smokescreen for the nation’s way to pick the next Supreme Nutter. The rules state that budding Ayatollahs and other crazies have to come up with the most outrageous statements without hindering peace talks. The leading contender so far has been the military who got away with ‘Death to America’ without anyone, anywhere thinking that...

Anti-Zionists: Hitler against Circumcision not Jews

Anti-Zionists: Hitler against Circumcision not Jews

The anti-Zionist Lobby have claimed they, just like Adolf Hitler, are not anti-Semitic and that both they and Hitler’s chief targets are coincidentally Jews. In a hard hitting interview with The Mideast Beast, the head of a coalition of groups contradictory in every one of their values except being against Israel, claimed Hitler was not against Jews but had legitimate concerns about circumcision. RELATED: Urban Outfitters Unveils New “I watched the Nazis murder my family, and all I got was this...

Israel Searches for Star to Outshine Mia Khalifa

Israel Searches for Star to Outshine Mia Khalifa

Naftali Bennett, leader of The Jewish Home party and the balding hunk in the above photograph, has called for a search for a star in the Jewish State after pictures and tweets of Middle Eastern porn star Mia Khalifa, born in neighbouring Lebanon, briefly topped social media searches last week. Twenty One year old Khalifa’s claim to fame was that she had managed to become the top searched actress on popular internet site Porn Hub, with some 1.5 million views. The...

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

This month, actress Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines for being skinny and blonde and also for taking on the Food Stamps Challenge, in which bored and out-of-touch celebrities try and live on the weekly food stamps budget of $29. After blowing her budget on kale and limes, Gwyneth had to quit the challenge early. (But, to be fair, eating kale would be hard even for starving African kids). Hoping to redeem herself/gain more publicity, Gwyneth will now be taking on the fun...

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN sources acknowledged today that a resolution condemning Israel for genocide was passed due to confusion caused by a siren sounded in Tel Aviv to commemorate Israel’s Memorial Day. “We heard that there were sirens in Tel Aviv and just assumed Hamas had launched rockets, so we decided to pass a resolution condemning the Israeli aggression,” a UN official told The Mideast Beast. “To be honest, we had the resolution in the hopper and ready to go since the ceasefire...

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Press TV, Iran’s state-run media arm, was the big winner at the Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, winning multiple honors for its coverage of Israel’s 50-day war with Gaza last summer. The award for investigative reporting went to the network for its account of Israel’s attempt to take down a commercial airplane leaving Gaza City by releasing hundreds of venomous snakes in the flight’s luggage compartment. Press TV also won an editorial award for its exposé on Israel’s practice of sending killer...

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas has announced an uncharacteristic change in policy. The organization released a statement declaring their usual intent to destroy Israel, but this time, with something a little extra. “The animals living in the Zionist zoo will also be held accountable. They are as guilty of occupying Palestinian land as any big nosed bi-ped. Those meer cats might look cute, but don’t be fooled, they straight up hate all Muslims,” read the statement. The IDF refused to comment directly, only saying...

Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children

Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children

The Islamic Republic of Iran is following up its signing of a historic framework deal with the West by reaching out to millions of school-aged children to help build the country’s nuclear infrastructure. “We’re street-legal, baby! But now that we’re in the clear, we have to hustle. Once the Western powers discover the plutonium plant we built underneath an ice skating rink in Beirut, we won’t be able to operate so freely,” Iran’s Minister of Education Farzin Fikri said on Thursday....

Biden: “Sadists Should Be Allowed to practice Sadire Without Fear of Physical Retribution”

Biden: “Sadists Should Be Allowed to practice Sadire Without Fear of Physical Retribution”

As the world continues to reflect on the 7 January attack on Charlie Hebdo, Joe Biden held a press conference to express his condolences to the people of France. In a prepared statement, and surrounded by his wife and family, Biden said, “Part of living in a free an open society is being able to express ourselves. Unfortunately, the satirists at Charlie Hebdo did not get to exercise that right.” Putting down the notecards and veering off script, Biden continued,...

French Rightist Struggles to Convince Core Supporters that Hating Muslims Just as Satisfying as Hating Jews

French Rightist Struggles to Convince Core Supporters that Hating Muslims Just as Satisfying as Hating Jews

Though leading France’s National Front to new heights, Marine Le Pen finds herself in trouble with old time party members who supported her father. “No matter how many times I tell them,” Le Pen explained, “those old guys just refuse to believe that hating Muslims can be just as satisfying as hating Jews.” Mrs. Le Pen, considered a serious contender for the French Presidency in 2017, cannot take these old timers for granted. So Le Pen seeks to persuade them...

Iranian Leaders Can’t Understand Why the World Won’t Take Them at Their Word

Iranian Leaders Can’t Understand Why the World Won’t Take Them at Their Word

In a wide-ranging interview, Iranian Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, explained his distress at the world’s refusal to take him at his word. “I am a simple cleric. A servant of the All-mighty. Still, how often must I say Iran will wipe Israel from the face of the earth before people take me seriously?” Khamenei’s awareness began when he installed a new satellite dish in his home. “The wife and I were tired of waiting for download of newest Game of...

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

Taking a break from clearing out his desk and catching the next train on Platform 9 ¾, out going Secretary of State John Kerry appeared before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to defend the recent frame work deal with Iran. His defense was both vigorous and absolute. Committee Chairman, Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, suggested it might be dangerous to leave the highly fortified Iranian facility at Fordow fully operational. “Muggle fool,” replied the Secretary, “do you think John Kerry...

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

In statement released by the Prime Minister’s office this week, Times of Israel blogger and part time social-media activist Aharon Landenbaum has “forever changed the course of Israeli history.” Although Landenbaum offered no practical advice, or measures that could be taken to address the issues he raised, his one-time blog was heralded as “perhaps the single greatest intellectual achievement since the state’s founding. A spokesman for the Israeli Government commented, “After reviewing this incalculably valuable treatise on the state of...