Politics

ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory
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ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory

Calling the suffering inflicted on the vast majority of Americans “a really nice surprise,” ISIS leaders were reportedly celebrating into the morning hours Monday after the hated New England Patriots’ stunning come-from-behind win in Super Bowl LI. “Seeing the American infidels this angry without having to plan and execute an attack is just a really great way to start the...

Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Bowling Green Massacre
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Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Bowling Green Massacre

Calling it the first act in a “comeback tour of terrorism,” al Qaeda claimed credit Sunday for the Bowling Green Massacre, which was first revealed last week by Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway. “The martyrs of Bowling Green remain hidden no more,” an al Qaeda spokesman said in a released statement. “Let the blood of the dead flowing through the streets...

Trump Tweets Nuclear Codes in 3 a.m. Twitter War with Jordanian Troll
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Trump Tweets Nuclear Codes in 3 a.m. Twitter War with Jordanian Troll

The U.S. nuclear arsenal has gone on emergency lockdown after President Donald Trump mistakenly tweeted the nuclear launch codes during a twitter fight with a Jordanian troll. Trump appeared to mistakenly believe the troll, whose Twitter handle is @KingofJordan69, was in fact King Abdullah II, the Kingdom’s monarch. After @KingofJordan69, who was later discovered to be a 14-year-old boy from...

Palestinian Authority, Hamas, Hezbollah Express Support for Berkeley Riots Against Milo Yiannopoulos

Palestinian Authority, Hamas, Hezbollah Express Support for Berkeley Riots Against Milo Yiannopoulos

The leaders of the Palestinian Authority, along with Hamas and Hezbollah expressed their support this morning following the violent riots at Berkeley triggered when professionally angry man Milo Yiannopoulos was scheduled to speak on the last night of his “Dangerous Faggot” tour. Berkeley students decided to express their right to free speech against what Yiannopoulos had to say by burning...

Donald Trump Clinches “Islamic State Recruiter of the Month”
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Donald Trump Clinches “Islamic State Recruiter of the Month”

The ISIS-affiliated al-Amaq news agency has reported that Donald Trump has been named “recruiter of the month” this January. The statement read, “in recognition of superior recruiting efforts on the part of Donald J. Trump, we present this certificate of appreciation for his contribution to the cause of the Islamic State.” ISIS leaders, recruiters, and foot soldiers alike were stunned...

Al-Qaeda Launches ‘Name Your Resistance Group’ Startup Service in the U.S.
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Al-Qaeda Launches ‘Name Your Resistance Group’ Startup Service in the U.S.

For a long time, Israel was branded as the ‘startup nation’, but there’s a new contender for the title: Al-Qaeda. Following the creation of ‘the resistance’ in the US as the progressive movement against Donald Trump, the terror group is launching a startup that aims to make the naming of your resistance group much easier. The service provides a various...

Palestinians Pledge to Donate 200 Million Dollar American Aid Package to the EPA

Palestinians Pledge to Donate 200 Million Dollar American Aid Package to the EPA

The Palestinian Authority has pledged that if Donald Trump releases the 200 million dollars in foreign aid approved by Former President Obama, they will immediately retransfer it back into the US Environmental Protection Agency. Citing the President’s recent measures to curb all new grants going to the EPA, PA spokesman Mahmoud Al-Tabarani has cited the “desperate need” to continue to...

God Hopes Men Will Listen to Women This Time
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God Hopes Men Will Listen to Women This Time

In response to questions regarding the Women’s March that was sparked by Trump’s inauguration and turned out to be the world’s largest protest thus far, God commented that he “really hopes men will listen to women this time around.” Apparently the Almighty was referring to the Golden Calf Incident where women gathered at Mount Sinai and vehemently protested the decision...

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport
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Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

DOHA – Despite multiple bloody wars rocking the region, nearly 20 Middle Eastern countries have launched a joint bid to have camel racing declared an Olympic sport. A delegation is due in Switzerland next week to argue their case before the International Olympic Committee. At a press conference in Doha, Qatar’s Sheikh Jamaal bin Tamim Al Thani, chairman of the...

Middle East Leaders Condemn Trump’s Inauguration

Middle East Leaders Condemn Trump’s Inauguration

Nations from across the Middle East have reportedly condemned Barack Obama and the United States for inaugurating Donald J. Trump as the 45th President of the United States of America. In Saudi Arabia, King Salman had called on Obama to appoint a male relative as the next “president” of the US, saying that the peaceful transfer of power from one...

ISIS Leader Desperately Searches for Tape of Trump Peeing on Him
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ISIS Leader Desperately Searches for Tape of Trump Peeing on Him

Saying that he cannot believe he misplaced such a valuable item, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly spent the last 48 hours searching for a VHS tape of President Donald Trump urinating on him. “Why didn’t I keep it in a safe location?” an exasperated al-Baghdadi asked himself while rifling through his drawers. “With this kind of leverage over...

To Trump’s Delight, Israel To Replace the U.S. In NATO
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To Trump’s Delight, Israel To Replace the U.S. In NATO

Sources have confirmed that Israel will apply for NATO membership later this week, “just to see the look on people’s faces.” We caught up with the playful Zionist troublemaker, as it was preparing the documentation and sipping cocktails at its seaside retreat outside of Tel Aviv. Israel commented, “I’ve got to be honest, with this ceasefire holding with the Palestinians, I’m...

Obama Accidentally Writes Final Tweet as POTUS in Arabic
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Obama Accidentally Writes Final Tweet as POTUS in Arabic

President Obama’s outgoing communications team refused to comment officially yesterday after the President sent out a final tweet to the American people in Arabic, ‘by accident’. “I fucking knew we shouldn’t have let him loose on social media”, one aide stated off the record, “he’s never forgiven us for taking away his Blackberry.” One pundit from the Democratic Party commented,...

After Commuting Manning’s Sentence, Obama to Resuscitate Bin Laden

After Commuting Manning’s Sentence, Obama to Resuscitate Bin Laden

After commuting the prison sentence of former army intelligence analyst and WikiLeaks source Chelsea Manning, President Obama announced Tuesday that he planned to also reverse the 2011 killing of former al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden. “Mr. bin Laden’s 10 years on the run and six years of death are more than enough punishment for his offenses,” Obama said in...

Saudi Arabia Finds a Way to Get Rid of Women for an Hour or Two
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Saudi Arabia Finds a Way to Get Rid of Women for an Hour or Two

Last week’s, ‘Women in Society’ conference held in Saudi Arabia was a complete sausage fest. Organizers confirmed it had been as yet another ruse to leave all the women indoors, for ‘some peace and fucking quiet’. A spokesperson for the conference, attended by over 15 Arab countries, told The Mideast Beast, ‘I thought I’d gone deaf for a moment, then...

ISIS Leader Claims Trump Groped Him
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ISIS Leader Claims Trump Groped Him

MANHATTAN — Saying he had stayed silent for years out of shame, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accused Donald Trump of groping him and making unwanted sexual advances more than a decade ago. “I was alone with Mr. Trump at a rally against the Iraq war in 2003 when he just grabbed me,” said a tearful al-Baghdadi. “I always blamed myself.”...