RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name...
With the conflict in war-torn Syria escalating, the United Nations has appointed Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as a special envoy to combat gender-exclusionary language in the country. “Years of bombing, torture, and chemical warfare have tragically led some participants in the Syrian Civil War to turn to words that alienate whole groups of people based on their race, sex,...
WASHINGTON D.C. — Donald Trump has reacted with fury at being rated as an equal threat to world peace as the rise of jihadi terrorism, in an Economist Intelligence Unit report. In a statement to the press he said; “I’ve always been a winner, just like America, and I won’t accept equal place with a bunch of guys that frankly...
In a promising move towards peace in a troubled region the Syrian Government today airdropped relief chemicals to make rebel-held swimming pools safe to use. A spokesman for the government commented, “We may be on different sides of the fence when it comes to who governs this great country, but we are united when it comes to fighting fungal infections...
Earlier today an Islamic State spokesperson condemned coalition airstrikes in Iraq and Syria, and the resulting collateral damage as “too corporate”, taking a drag from a hand rolled cigarette and saying, “we turned killing civilians into our own brand before it was cool”. The Islamic State has become notorious for the gruesome ways in which it has killed civilians and...
As the world applauded the historic engineering achievement which landed a space probe on a Comet 67P, some observers were less pleased. The Scientologist community was up in arms this past week over an alleged Israeli plan to ‘create an illegal settlement’ on Comet 67P, noting that several of the scientists involved in the Rosetta mission are Israeli and are...
One of Iran’s leading feminists admitted that she has conflicting feelings about the country’s anti-hijab movement, noting that while she supports women’s empowerment she is also determined to keep her bad haircut hidden. “Listen, I get why Iranian women are doing this. And they’re right – in principle, I feel very strongly that women should not be forced to cover...
Middle Eastern leaders have gathered in anticipation for the destruction of the region’s last true democracy. In a speech, Turkish President Recep Erdogan announced, “They’ve been a thorn in our collective Middle Eastern ass for long enough! Turkey, Iran, Iraq, and the Syrians have all suffered long enough from this petulant little ‘state!’ None of us agree to their right...
A bill recently passed in Poland criminalizing any mention of Polish complicity in the Holocaust is a verbatim copy of the existing Israeli Nakba Law, reporters found. Those who asked to see the text of the Polish bill found that it read: “We, the elected officials of Israel Poland, will henceforth penalize any commemoration of Israeli Independence Day Holocaust Remembrance...
The Mideast Beast has learned from White House sources that President Trump has requested all Middle East briefings be delivered in Tweet form. One aide told us, “He wouldn’t read any of the traditional briefings, so then we tried shortening and adding way more pictures but really nothing worked. But then we got the bright idea to just start tweeting them to...
Extremists from around the world have convened to discuss the increasingly likely scenario that the world won’t end with a bang. Representatives from the Islamic State, Kahane Chai, Aum Shinrikyo, and U.S. Vice President Pence’s staff met yesterday at an undisclosed location. ISIS spokesperson Mohammed al-Amriki explained the impetus for the meeting, “Despite our differing ideological backgrounds, we’re all in...
The Mideast Beast is reportedly losing writers over the lack of hate mail and death threats. One writer, William Balzac explains, “I didn’t graduate with a Masters in Fine Arts from Yale to write scathing satire of corrupt Middle Eastern dictators, crazy Zionist settlers, and camel related sexual escapades and NOT receive death threats. I expected to receive at least...
The Palestinian Authority has announced it will launch a GoFundMe page, after the U.S. State Department’s $80 million aid reduction and further threats from Donald Trump to cut all aid. PA President Mahmoud Abbas decried the cuts. “After decades of brutal and humiliating occupation, this is a slap in the face of the Palestinian nation and will be devastating to...
In a move aimed at building trust with world Jewry, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas marked International Holocaust Remembrance Day with a statement honoring the “dozens of Jews who tragically lost their lives.” “We must never forget that the horrors of Nazi rule robbed nearly 100 Jewish individuals of their lives,” the statement read. “While this tragedy does not reach the...
The Iraqi government has enthusiastically greeted Turkish President Erdogan’s threat to fight Kurdish forces on their soil. A spokesperson commented, “Fighting is really what we’re known for over here, so close neighbors offering to come and join in is always most welcome. There’s really more than enough pain and suffering to go around. Come one come all! That’s our motto!”...
Saying that he is committed to turning Egypt into a model democracy, Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi announced that he will employ scientific breakthroughs recently used to clone a macaque monkey to create a duplicate of himself. The breakthrough will allow Sisi, who has disqualified or arrested all potential challengers for his office, to permit a second Egyptian to seek...
Efforts by the residents of California to secede from the US haven’t yet received sufficient support to be realized. Consequently, a revolutionary group of Californian millennials have decided to found their own country in unpopulated territory in Oman, near the Yemeni border. The country, Safespaceistan, will serve as a safe space for those Americans who feel overwhelmed by the prospect...
A spokesperson for the US government suggested over the weekend that the region voted “Most Troublesome” 2017 years in a row, consider following the United States into ‘furlonging’ all but essential personnel. “Really the Turkish invasion of Syria in pursuit of Kurdish militants currently backed by us is the last straw. We could just about cope when we just needed...
Beleaguered by leaks, organizational chaos, infighting, and members jumping ship, the infamous leader struggles to maintain his hold on power. One aid agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity “He’s breaking all the traditions! Didn’t even hold a Ramadan dinner! All the past leaders I can remember have hosted Ramadan dinner.” The “Fire and Fury” leader has...
Tuesday Morning, a bleary-eyed, Mahmoud Abbas, stumbled out of his bedroom in his home in Ramallah, and asked, “I blacked out most of Monday, did I miss anything?” Monday saw the PA president go off on a fiery two-hour rant in which he lashed out at everyone from US President Trump to (surprise surprise) the Jews. A shocked Abbas explained:...
