TEL AVIV — In a surprise move, legendary musician Dave Matthews has decided to immigrate to Israel. In an interview with Yonit Levy, the musician said, “This was a difficult choice for me, but this seems like the right time to be with my people.” Mr. Matthews will move to Tel Aviv by year’s end. Mr. Matthew’s publicist elaborated on...
White House leaks have revealed that the President is currently “pretty satisfied” with the progress being made towards plunging the world into an all-consuming global conflict. He remains open to whether this is a good or a bad thing. In the minutes of a National Security Council that were leaked, National Security Adviser General H.R. McMasters expressed concern that the...
With the so-called ‘Muslim Ban’ being broadly challenged by Federal Courts, President Trump has been busy drafting a new travel ban, barring all people who originate from ‘shithole countries.’ What this means, specifically is not exactly clear. When asked in a press conference about which countries will be targeted he responded, “You know, like Paris, or like France or whatever…they...
“Our ‘Arab Spring’ was so much cooler than this weird new ‘Persian Winter’ the Iranians have come up with,” Arab leaders claimed Wednesday. “In fact, ‘Persian Winter’ is a total rip-off of the ‘Arab Spring’. This just goes to show that the Persians have been copying from us for millennia. Those asshats back in the Zoroastrian days were just mad...
Leaked tapes of Yair Netanyahu’s strip club visits have led Ayatollah Ali Khamenei Jr., the son of Iran’s supreme leader, to fear that his own drunken escapades in Tel Aviv will be made public. The recently released tapes show the younger Netanyahu at a Tel Aviv strip club while heavily intoxicated. Though the Iranian leader’s son cannot be heard on...
Following the release of the controversial recordings of Yair Netanyahu boasting of his sexual exploits, as well as his father’s role in orchestrating shady deals with high-profile billionaire Kobi Maimon, Yair Netanyahu has gained support from the traditionally pro-Netanyahu GOP. The President himself even commented, saying that he saw a lot of himself in that very smart and humble young man....
As Iranian protests have intensified, President Donald Trump has been increasingly vocal in support of them, even taking personal shots at Iranian President Hassan Rouhani. On Saturday, he tweeted, “It’s a wonderful thing when university students in other countries protest bad leaders. This Rouhani guy’s obviously not a genius or even like very smart. Sad!” Apparently not satisfied with this...
Describing the ongoing conflict between the US president and his former chief strategist as “unsustainable,” Palestinian leaders have called for peace talks between Donald Trump and Steve Bannon. “With around-the-clock negotiations and compromise on tough issues, we believe a resolution to this seemingly intractable dispute is possible,” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas declared, adding emphatically, “We want this conflict to end!”...
Admitting that the group had nearly run out of underage girls for its fighters, the Islamic State has reached out to former US Congressman Anthony Weiner, offering the embattled politician asylum in the caliphate in exchange for his contact book. The offer comes as Weiner, once a leading candidate in New York City’s mayoral race, faces possible jail time after...
Estimates that Trump will have made a record 2000 false claims during his first year as POTUS have prompted the editors of The Mideast Beast to offer him a part-time position on TMB’s writing team. According to Reuters, Trump was the ultimate source of fake news this past year, and consequently should be targeting himself in his attempts to eliminate...
Purim, the ‘Jewish Halloween’ begins in March but the Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, has already announced that he’ll be joining the celebrations. A spokesperson from the Prime Minister’s Office relayed, “As Bibi follows the news (and possible corruption indictments), he feels that it would be best to dress in prisoners’ uniform not only for fun but, you know, just...
After a YouTube stream of April the giraffe giving birth in a New York zoo last spring reached a live audience of 1.2 million viewers, ISIS has announced that they will be replacing their infamous beheading videos with live streams of camels in labor. A spokesperson predicted that this tactical move will result in much more successful recruitment rates from...
A Hamas spokesman has confirmed that the organization’s latest policy document will consist solely of the lyrics of the 1971 John Lennon smash hit “Imagine.” Fawzi Barhoum commented, “We recognize that our original 1988 Charter has put a lot of people off. For a long time, we thought it was just annoying to the Jews that we wanted to drive...
Saying that their own struggle for recognition should take a backseat, Armenians are demanding that the US acknowledge the ‘Rachael Ray Genocide,’ during which the celebrity chef and alleged war criminal called hummus “Israeli.” James Zogby, the president of the Arab American Institute, was the first to note the international law implications of Ray’s message, tweeting back “Damn it @rachaelray....
Calling demonstrators taking to the street against the Iranian regime “whiny prima donnas,” Arab American Institute President James Zogby demanded protests end so attention could turn back to chef Rachael Ray’s culinary tweets. “Instead of complaining about 38 years of corrupt, theocratic rule by dictators who use murder, rape and torture to silence dissidents, these Iranian snowflakes need to let...
Following the success of Israeli Agriculture Minister, Uri Ariel’s campaign to pray away the drought that has affected the region for years, several key GOP leaders have inserted a provision into the new United States Tax Plan to allow tax deductions for prayer. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan commented, “We used to allow deductions for silly things like installing...
In what many will view as a surprising move, the United Nations has voted to relocate its headquarters to Israel. According to recent U.S. polls, Americans feel that the UN has overstayed its Manhattan visit. One Alabama resident told The Mideast Beast, “Dang, they’ve been here since 1952. 51 years is long enough! Wait, what’s 2017 minus 1952?” After 65 years in the...
The continued detention of high-level Saudi officials and businessmen has drawn the attention of the Red Cross which announced this week that it will be filing complaints about the treatment of detainees held at the Ritz-Carlton Prison. In particular the international humanitarian organization has been moved to action by the death of a guest/prisoner, allegedly due to electric shock torture....
In a move that activists are calling a gross human rights violation, Turkish authorities have sentenced NBA player Enes Kanter in absentia to 25 years on the hapless New York Knicks. The sentence comes after Kanter, an up-and-coming star, was convicted of insulting Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan in a series of tweets. It likely means the six-foot-eleven center will...
After a video of 17-year-old Palestinian Ahed Tamimi slapping an Israeli soldier and allegedly making the occupation look bad went viral, IDF officials have decided to take precautionary measures against an incident of this kind happening again: Israeli military officials have ordered the establishment of a new combat intelligence unit specializing in combating blonde teenage girls. “Our soldiers receive ample...
