Israel

AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel
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AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel

The Mideast Beast has learned that New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat after one of the representative’s Twitter followers pointed out that Arafat had visited and negotiated with Israel. Ocasio-Cortez was set to attend Jewish Voice for Peace’s Yom Kippur brunch, which will be held on Monday to...

Tourists Still Visiting Israel Not the Types of People You Would Want to Holiday With
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Tourists Still Visiting Israel Not the Types of People You Would Want to Holiday With

In a touching sign of support for the always-embattled nation, and with clear indications of “something just being a bit wrong with them” tourists are still flocking to Israel. Whether it’s to enjoy the rocket filled skies in the south or the all-year-long seething religious tension in Jerusalem, there is something for everyone’s budget. Tour operator David Binglebloom said “surprisingly,...

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”
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Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep...

Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling
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Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling

HAIFA- Engineers at the Technion (Israel Institute of Technology), have announced their intention to solve one of the greatest hurdles to everyday travel by jetpack.  With the popularity of Iron Man and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, an increasing number of individuals and companies have attempted to build working jetpacks.  But regardless of their fuel efficiency, potential speed, or likelihood of...

Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv
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Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and...

Israel Approves Housing Settlement in Chicago’s South Side
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Israel Approves Housing Settlement in Chicago’s South Side

In a move it insists is not aimed at antagonizing President Obama, nor the recent “massive spike in violence”, the Israeli government has approved 400 new settlement units in South Chicago. Those settlements will span Obama’s home and the neighborhoods in which the president once worked as a community organizer. Several public housing apartment buildings in Chicago’s Roseland and West...

‘Birthright’ Student Returns Home…Still a Virgin
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‘Birthright’ Student Returns Home…Still a Virgin

Seth Finklebaumstein, a 19-year-old sophomore at Duke University, returned home from his ‘Birthright’ Israel experience this summer still a virgin, sources say. “Well, I was disappointed to say the least,” the fraternity brother explained. While there have been previous rumors of participants not hooking up, Mr. Finklebaumstein is the first confirmed case. The ‘Birthright’ experience is a free, 10-day trip...

Are You up for the ‘Iron Dome’ Challenge?
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Are You up for the ‘Iron Dome’ Challenge?

Following the success of the Ice Bucket Challenge in aid of ALS, Hamas and the IDF have been moved to create their very own charity fundraising scheme. Saul Starstein, Director of Giving for the IDF explained more. “We all accept that our media profile is really not that great. Now’s not the time to get into the blame game of...

Tel Aviv Declared Second Holiest Site in Homosexuality
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Tel Aviv Declared Second Holiest Site in Homosexuality

Everyone knows that Mecca is the holiest city in Islam. Fewer people know that the second holiest city for Muslims is Medina. Similarly, everyone knows that San Francisco is the holiest city in the world for homosexuals. However, for decades, homosexuality has lacked a second-holiest site. But that all changed this week, when homosexual clerics officially declared Tel Aviv to...

Eminem to Convert to Judaism, Live in Tel Aviv?
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Eminem to Convert to Judaism, Live in Tel Aviv?

Following a recent low profile trip to Israel, and following in the footsteps of other celebrities, sources close to rapper Marshall Mathers, better known by his stage name “Eminem,” say he may be planning to convert to Judaism. “I really thought I was being original with the whole white anger thing, and constantly complaining about my mother and then feeling guilty...

Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys
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Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys

Living in Israel, it’s easy to forget how good you have it. It’s only when real tragedies occur in other countries and dominate the media that you realize everything you’ve been taking for granted. I had this realization this week, as my Facebook newsfeed was littered with disaster stories from half way around the world. Families torn apart. Lives turned...

Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”
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Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”

One American journalist has won the coveted Pulitzer Prize for online journalism, presented by the prestigious Columbia University, for his investigative work uncovering a major conspiracy among satirical news sites: “the stories are not true!” read his final conclusions. The work that won him the Pulitzer Prize debunked a satirical article published by The Mideast Beast (TMB) about Eminem converting to Judaism and...

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities
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Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities

Ever since last summer’s armed conflict between Israel and Gazan combatants, Israel continues to lose the media war. A representative from the Defense Ministry’s Department of Mentally Challenged PR said, “It’s unfortunate that the Pro-Palestinian camp has such good looking supporters. People like Mark Ruffalo, Javier Barden, and Penelope Cruz have all come out in support of the Palestinian cause. Then again, they...

Iron Dome to Sell Naming Rights to Make up Monetary Losses from Last War
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Iron Dome to Sell Naming Rights to Make up Monetary Losses from Last War

Israel’s Head of Military Operations, Tomer Shalom, admitted today that the Iron Dome, Israel’s air defense system, has officially run out of funding and is now selling its naming rights to make up for the seriously-fucking-insane monetary losses suffered during the recent war. It is understood that the two strongest contenders are currently WAZE and Electra, both of which promise to...