Israel

Hamas Joins Forces with Tel Aviv to Build City’s New Subway System
, ,

Hamas Joins Forces with Tel Aviv to Build City’s New Subway System

Tel Aviv City Council has signed a radical new public infrastructure agreement with Hamas. Starting next month they will be joining forces to take advantage of Hamas’ second favorite hobby (after amateur rocket firing), digging! One City Councilman explained the concept. “Everyone knows that traffic in this town is a nightmare. Last night I was at a particularly boring budget...

Israel Found Guilty
,

Israel Found Guilty

The international community issued firm condemnation of Israel’s recent actions earlier today. An emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council was convened in order to issue a number of resolutions against the Jewish State. Member states accused Israel of being “inhumane,” and acting with “utter disregard for human life and wellbeing.” Israel has responded to these claims by saying...

“That Wasn’t Me in the Israel Rant Video!” Claims John Oliver
, ,

“That Wasn’t Me in the Israel Rant Video!” Claims John Oliver

John Oliver – the award-winning comedian, political satirist, and host of the eponymous HBO show “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver” – has vehemently denied that he had anything to do with the now (in)famous ‘Israel rant’, claiming to be a victim of deepfake technology. FBI agents have arrested Ronald Dahl, a 16-year-old London native now living in New York...

Mideast Pacifists, Drag Queens, and Feminists Celebrate UN anti-Israel Human Rights Probe
, ,

Mideast Pacifists, Drag Queens, and Feminists Celebrate UN anti-Israel Human Rights Probe

Middle Eastern human rights advocates, such as Syria’s self-declared pacifist leader Bashar Assad, Hezbollah drag queens, and Yemeni feminist jihadists celebrated the UN Human Right Council’s decision to create a permanent fact-finding mission to probe alleged Israeli war crimes worldwide such as “chicken soup addiction.” The progressive human rights organization Woke Ayatollahs against Zionist Nukes also demanded a probe into...

After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza
, ,

After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza

The State of Israel has surprisingly decided to build terror tunnels into the Gaza Strip. The unconventional decision by Jerusalem comes after the British government urged Israel to ensure “proportionality” in its military actions in Gaza. “Israel must make every effort to avoid civilian casualties and military activity must be proportionate,” said the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s spokesman Max...

Jerusalem Files for Parental Emancipation
, ,

Jerusalem Files for Parental Emancipation

In a busy week for Middle Eastern family courts the city of Jerusalem has called for emancipation from its parents, Judaism and Islam, as well as from its weird uncle, Evangelicalism. After years of trying to negotiate peace between its parents, including a difficult period when it was passed into foster homes run by the Ottomans and the British, Jerusalem...

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien
, , ,

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for the recent rocket-fire hitting southern Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for firing rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,”...

Jewish Extremists Were Really Yelling “Death to Ahab” in Reference to Moby Dick
, , ,

Jewish Extremists Were Really Yelling “Death to Ahab” in Reference to Moby Dick

In a shocking defense tactic for the Jewish extremist group, Lehava, who stormed Palestinian neighborhoods in East Jerusalem last weekend, the leaders of the attacks are claiming that contrary to popular belief they were not shouting “Death to Arabs,” but in fact were shouting “Death to Ahab,” after reading Moby Dick and watching the hit Netflix Documentary Seaspiracy in one...

Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’
, ,

Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’

Following a successful vaccine rollout, Israel is finally beginning to reopen and ‘get back to normal’. At the same time, the state is attempting to maintain a balance to stave off future lockdowns. While many countries across the globe struggle to create a new social contract for our collective new reality, it seems Israel has a blueprint at hand. “We...

Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It
,

Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It

Israel’s High Court has declared annexation of the West Bank as ‘unconstitutional’, thus potentially putting a stopper in Netanyahu’s despotic pursuits. However, never one to be deterred by minor rules, such as international law, the Prime Minister took a bold stance against the ruling, claiming that annexation is not “illegal”, it’s merely “socially distant from the law”. Much like his...

UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus
, , ,

UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus

With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. “We call on the occupation...

United Arab List Leader Agrees to Support Netanyahu If He Admits Falafel Not an ‘Israeli’ Food
, ,

United Arab List Leader Agrees to Support Netanyahu If He Admits Falafel Not an ‘Israeli’ Food

Mansour Abbas, the leader of the United Arab List, an Islamist, and now a potential kingmaker in the coalition-building process, has agreed to support Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu under one condition: Netanyahu must publicly acknowledge that neither falafel or hummus are ‘Israeli’ foods. Abbas says he will support whichever candidate is willing to stand in front of the Knesset...

Year After Nuclear-Smallpox-Mustard Gas Asteroid Hits Earth, Netanyahu Still Prime Minister
, ,

Year After Nuclear-Smallpox-Mustard Gas Asteroid Hits Earth, Netanyahu Still Prime Minister

*Updated 24 March 2021   Following last year’s impact of an asteroid comprised of weapons-grade uranium infused with mustard gas and smallpox, it seemed that everything in the world changed overnight. As the world emerges from the ashes there seems to be only one relic of history still in place – Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu remains Israel’s Prime Minister. According to...

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict
, ,

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to hate-post or upload fake news as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch...

AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel
, ,

AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel

The Mideast Beast has learned that New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat after one of the representative’s Twitter followers pointed out that Arafat had visited and negotiated with Israel. Ocasio-Cortez was set to attend Jewish Voice for Peace’s Yom Kippur brunch, which will be held on Monday to...

Tourists Still Visiting Israel Not the Types of People You Would Want to Holiday With
, ,

Tourists Still Visiting Israel Not the Types of People You Would Want to Holiday With

In a touching sign of support for the always-embattled nation, and with clear indications of “something just being a bit wrong with them” tourists are still flocking to Israel. Whether it’s to enjoy the rocket filled skies in the south or the all-year-long seething religious tension in Jerusalem, there is something for everyone’s budget. Tour operator David Binglebloom said “surprisingly,...