Scott N. Towel

 

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business
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Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon.com is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, stroked his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this...

Mideast Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Mideast Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Through a careful study of ancient writings, a team of archaeologists today revealed that ancient peoples were just as likely to be assholes as your asshole neighbor, your asshole boss, or just about any asshole you meet in daily life. “We were quite surprised by our findings,” explained team leader, Stockholm University professor Dr. Tot L. Prik.  “Based on our research, we must conclude...

God Sends Jews ‘Past Due’ Notice for Torah

God Sends Jews ‘Past Due’ Notice for Torah

The Jewish world reacted with surprise and disappointment today as Israel’s Chief Rabbis held a rare press conference to explain that they had recently received a 3,000 year past due notice from God, demanding the return of the Torah. “The notice wasn’t a complete surprise,” explained one Chief Rabbi, Sucha Schmedrick. “I’ve been dodging the Almighty’s calls for a couple of...

Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname
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Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname

Tens of thousands of Israelis flooded the streets of Tel Aviv today demanding more choices in their upcoming election. Protest Leader Avi Ben Shlomo addressed the crowd. “We Jews have defied history and built a state. Is it really so much to ask that we have a choice of a leader with a real name? Bibi? Bougie? Seriously, Bamba sounds...

Hamas Tunnellers Admit They’re Only Digging to Meet Israeli Girls
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Hamas Tunnellers Admit They’re Only Digging to Meet Israeli Girls

A number of the men digging Hamas’ terror tunnels recently confirmed The Mideast Beast’s suspicion that most entered the highly dangerous field mainly in the hope of meeting Israeli girls. “All the time the imams tell us about how Israel is just a den of iniquity and sin,” one digger who preferred we not use his name, told TMB. “Who wouldn’t...

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS spokesman Senna ibn Booboo has announced new plans to force Americans to learn geography. “The terror of watching American citizens beheaded in Syria won’t get that much attention. But forcing Americans to find Syria on a map? Now that’s suffering!” Ibn Booboo pointed to Al Qaeda’s past successes; “The secret is to murder Americans in places about which average...

War Reporters Disappointed to Learn That Yemen Just Always Looked Like That
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War Reporters Disappointed to Learn That Yemen Just Always Looked Like That

Arriving in Sana’a, Yemen, 24-hour cable news reporters thought they’d struck gold. As CNN’s Bud Fugg explained, “The whole place is totally destroyed. Ruins! What visuals!” Yet as Fugg and his colleagues began collecting footage and talking to locals, they were disappointed to learn that this was pretty much how the city always looked. “Turns out,” reported a mournful Fugg,...

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

Previously united in their desire to forge a new Caliphate establishing their vision of ‘pure Islam’, ISIS has descended into acrimony over the contentious issue of ‘hair management’ in women’s nether regions. “The war with the infidel must be fought on every front,” declared Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, “even the awrah (Arabic for ‘hooha’) of the righteous. Do not succumb...

National Rifle Association International Cuts Ribbon for New Yemen Branch
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National Rifle Association International Cuts Ribbon for New Yemen Branch

The Ideology Sector continued to show growing export vigor as the National Rifle Association (NRA) opened their newest international branch in Yemen. NRA head, Wayne LaPierre, was on hand to cut the ribbon as an excited crowd shot guns into the air in celebration. “With its recognition of the fundamental right of every person to own any weapon on which...

ISIS Recruit Surprised to Learn that “Being a Sociopath” Isn’t Actually in Quran
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ISIS Recruit Surprised to Learn that “Being a Sociopath” Isn’t Actually in Quran

RAQQA, SYRIA — After sneaking over the Turkish/Syrian Border, Stinka ibn Tooshy – formerly Oliver Weinberg of Cherry Hill New Jersey, joined the rapidly growing world of Jihad. He described his first exciting months with ISIS thusly: “It was just like I’d seen on the Internet: beheading apostates, taking their wives and daughters as sex slaves, terrorizing civilians. Twenty-four hours...

Region Celebrates Local Community’s Passover Dinner Solution to Arab-Israeli Conflict
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Region Celebrates Local Community’s Passover Dinner Solution to Arab-Israeli Conflict

Cheers and Nobel Peace Prize nominations reigned as Miami congregation Beit Chazarai’s community Seder attendees unveiled their proposal to end the Middle East conflict. Leaders from Kissinger to King Abdullah of Jordan praised the participants out of the box approach. “I am awe struck at their genius,” perennial peace negotiator Shimon Peres told TMB. “Stationing troops in the Jordan Valley...

ISIS Set to Announce Exciting Line of Spring Fashion This Week in New York
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ISIS Set to Announce Exciting Line of Spring Fashion This Week in New York

Exploding the fashion world, the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) announced plans to release their first ever Spring Collection at this week’s New York’s Fashion Week. “A creative force such as ISIS just cannot be contained,” said ISIS spokesperson Stuart Goldstein. “From new currency, to unprecedented brutality, to making sex-slavery cool again, ISIS is setting the world alight, literally....

In Defense of Nuclear Deal, Obama Cites Iran’s “Pinky Swear”
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In Defense of Nuclear Deal, Obama Cites Iran’s “Pinky Swear”

Facing broad criticism for differences between US and Iranian interpretations of the recent framework agreement, President Obama cited Iran’s willingness to pinky swear as proof of their good intentions.  “As every child knows,” Obama opined during a press conference, “the pinky swear represents an unbreakable commitment.” Republicans were quick to doubt these assurances.  Senator Bob Corker questioned whether there was...

Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States
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Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States

When Time Warner Cable agreed to add The Islamic State’s (ISIL) TV station to its channel offerings, most shrugged. Now to everyone’s surprise, ISIL-TV’s grabbing all the buzz. “I love these shows,” wrote popular blogger Mr. Bud Uglee to his six loyal readers. “What on TV is funnier than Bringin’ Up Burkah? And dramas like Beheading Bad and Law &...

GOP Presidential Hopefuls Confident Republicans are Sufficiently Ignorant to Think Another Middle East War is a Good Idea
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GOP Presidential Hopefuls Confident Republicans are Sufficiently Ignorant to Think Another Middle East War is a Good Idea

Across many states, Republican presidential hopefuls laid out their national security plan with a surprising notion suggesting that it would be a good idea for US forces to return to the Middle East in order to fight ISIS. While at first counter-intuitive, political analyst, Brea KN Rekerd, suggested it was a wise strategy. “GOP presidential hopefuls don’t need to win a majority of...

Saudi Arabia Experiments with Leasing to Other Fanatics
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Saudi Arabia Experiments with Leasing to Other Fanatics

Rabbi Shlomo Yetz of Britain’s orthodox Jewish community was surprised to read the following advertisement in his morning paper (here translated from the Yiddish): “Feeling Oppressed by the Secular World? Dealing with the Godless Getting You Down? Furious About Women Being Allowed to Drive? Come To a Nation You Can Call Home!” Imagine the Rabbi’s surprise when he called the number...

Abbas Agrees to Resume Negotiations “Just as Soon as the Last Jew Gets the Hell Out of Palestine”

Abbas Agrees to Resume Negotiations “Just as Soon as the Last Jew Gets the Hell Out of Palestine”

European leaders today hailed Palestinian President in Perpetuity Mahmoud Abbas’s offer to resume negotiations with Israel “Just as soon as last Jew gets the hell out Palestine: Jaffa, Ashkelon, the lot of it.” Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallström, praised Abbas for “taking such a bold step towards peace. Now we can only hope that those genocidal war mongering Israelis will...