In a dramatic announcement, The New York Times’ Executive Editor Dean Baquet today unveiled the paper’s newest section, ‘All Israel.’ “A number of our readers open the paper just to scan for our Israel coverage. Some do it to complain that we are bashing Israel. Others so they can complain that we are not bashing Israel enough. Now they just...
The political implications are as grave as the story is improbable. A Hamas Qassam-4 Rocket and an Israeli Iron Dome Interceptor have sent letters to their respective commanders declaring that they can no longer hide their love. “When I first laid eyes on her, it was the kind of thing that you feel deep in your fuselage,” said the Interceptor...
Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon.com is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, stroked his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this...
Through a careful study of ancient writings, a team of archaeologists today revealed that ancient peoples were just as likely to be assholes as your asshole neighbor, your asshole boss, or just about any asshole you meet in daily life. “We were quite surprised by our findings,” explained team leader, Stockholm University professor Dr. Tot L. Prik. “Based on our research, we must conclude...
The Jewish world reacted with surprise and disappointment today as Israel’s Chief Rabbis held a rare press conference to explain that they had recently received a 3,000 year past due notice from God, demanding the return of the Torah. “The notice wasn’t a complete surprise,” explained one Chief Rabbi, Sucha Schmedrick. “I’ve been dodging the Almighty’s calls for a couple of...
Tens of thousands of Israelis flooded the streets of Tel Aviv today demanding more choices in their upcoming election. Protest Leader Avi Ben Shlomo addressed the crowd. “We Jews have defied history and built a state. Is it really so much to ask that we have a choice of a leader with a real name? Bibi? Bougie? Seriously, Bamba sounds...
A number of the men digging Hamas’ terror tunnels recently confirmed The Mideast Beast’s suspicion that most entered the highly dangerous field mainly in the hope of meeting Israeli girls. “All the time the imams tell us about how Israel is just a den of iniquity and sin,” one digger who preferred we not use his name, told TMB. “Who wouldn’t...
ISIS spokesman Senna ibn Booboo has announced new plans to force Americans to learn geography. “The terror of watching American citizens beheaded in Syria won’t get that much attention. But forcing Americans to find Syria on a map? Now that’s suffering!” Ibn Booboo pointed to Al Qaeda’s past successes; “The secret is to murder Americans in places about which average...
Arriving in Sana’a, Yemen, 24-hour cable news reporters thought they’d struck gold. As CNN’s Bud Fugg explained, “The whole place is totally destroyed. Ruins! What visuals!” Yet as Fugg and his colleagues began collecting footage and talking to locals, they were disappointed to learn that this was pretty much how the city always looked. “Turns out,” reported a mournful Fugg,...
Previously united in their desire to forge a new Caliphate establishing their vision of ‘pure Islam’, ISIS has descended into acrimony over the contentious issue of ‘hair management’ in women’s nether regions. “The war with the infidel must be fought on every front,” declared Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, “even the awrah (Arabic for ‘hooha’) of the righteous. Do not succumb...
The Ideology Sector continued to show growing export vigor as the National Rifle Association (NRA) opened their newest international branch in Yemen. NRA head, Wayne LaPierre, was on hand to cut the ribbon as an excited crowd shot guns into the air in celebration. “With its recognition of the fundamental right of every person to own any weapon on which...
RAQQA, SYRIA — After sneaking over the Turkish/Syrian Border, Stinka ibn Tooshy – formerly Oliver Weinberg of Cherry Hill New Jersey, joined the rapidly growing world of Jihad. He described his first exciting months with ISIS thusly: “It was just like I’d seen on the Internet: beheading apostates, taking their wives and daughters as sex slaves, terrorizing civilians. Twenty-four hours...
Cheers and Nobel Peace Prize nominations reigned as Miami congregation Beit Chazarai’s community Seder attendees unveiled their proposal to end the Middle East conflict. Leaders from Kissinger to King Abdullah of Jordan praised the participants out of the box approach. “I am awe struck at their genius,” perennial peace negotiator Shimon Peres told TMB. “Stationing troops in the Jordan Valley...
Showing how seriously she regrets her vote in favor of the Iraq War, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today announced her intention, if elected, to restore Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to power. Fox News mocked the plan – after a quick Wikipedia check – pointing out that Hussein was executed back in 2006. Sources tell The Mideast Beast, however,...
Exploding the fashion world, the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) announced plans to release their first ever Spring Collection at this week’s New York’s Fashion Week. “A creative force such as ISIS just cannot be contained,” said ISIS spokesperson Stuart Goldstein. “From new currency, to unprecedented brutality, to making sex-slavery cool again, ISIS is setting the world alight, literally....
Facing broad criticism for differences between US and Iranian interpretations of the recent framework agreement, President Obama cited Iran’s willingness to pinky swear as proof of their good intentions. “As every child knows,” Obama opined during a press conference, “the pinky swear represents an unbreakable commitment.” Republicans were quick to doubt these assurances. Senator Bob Corker questioned whether there was...
Israel’s always-agitated and slightly chubby Minister of Parliament, Avigdor Lieberman, today suggested that Israel might best deter Hezbollah and Iran by nuking Des Moines, Iowa. “Look, the best way for a threatened nation to deter its enemies is to have them believe that you’re crazy enough, and I’m talking batshit crazy here, to do anything, and I mean anything.” At...
When Time Warner Cable agreed to add The Islamic State’s (ISIL) TV station to its channel offerings, most shrugged. Now to everyone’s surprise, ISIL-TV’s grabbing all the buzz. “I love these shows,” wrote popular blogger Mr. Bud Uglee to his six loyal readers. “What on TV is funnier than Bringin’ Up Burkah? And dramas like Beheading Bad and Law &...
Across many states, Republican presidential hopefuls laid out their national security plan with a surprising notion suggesting that it would be a good idea for US forces to return to the Middle East in order to fight ISIS. While at first counter-intuitive, political analyst, Brea KN Rekerd, suggested it was a wise strategy. “GOP presidential hopefuls don’t need to win a majority of...
Rabbi Shlomo Yetz of Britain’s orthodox Jewish community was surprised to read the following advertisement in his morning paper (here translated from the Yiddish): “Feeling Oppressed by the Secular World? Dealing with the Godless Getting You Down? Furious About Women Being Allowed to Drive? Come To a Nation You Can Call Home!” Imagine the Rabbi’s surprise when he called the number...
