Marrying the understated decorum of Hollywood and the unvarnished materialism of defeating terrorism through job training, President Obama today unveiled what is being called the ‘Swag Strategy’ against ISIS. “This new program is simple. And it borrows from the great cultural strength that is the Oscars as demonstrated by the $125,000 gift bags handed out to celebrity A-listers. If bombing...
Combating cynicism about different peoples inability to make common cause, a diverse coalition today united to spread highly contagious, and entirely preventable, diseases. Didactically Insipid People Protesting Your Science (or DIPPYS), brings together smug left coast moms, self righteous fundamentalist Christians, aloof Brooklyn Hasids (ultra-Orthodox Jews), and the Pakistani Taliban (with a little inspiration from Jenny McCarthy). Chairperson, Mrs Fulla Self,...
In an interview from an undisclosed location, a distressed former Vice President Dick Cheney today revealed that Brian Williams provided the since discredited pre-war intelligence he presented to justify invading Iraq. “Aluminum tubes? The al-Queada Connection? All Williams,” Cheney explained, as he did a fair approximation of human emotions. “And did I mention that Brian told me the meaning of...
Building on the recent vote to boycott Israel, UC Davis’s Student Government today moved to protect every students self expressive right to stab a Jew. Student president, Ms. Rebecca Jordan, said she expected the move to be controversial. Still she saw it as essential to maintaining UC Davis’s commitment to the free exchange of ideas. “New forms of expression emerge...
Wishing to mend fences with a special someone and ignoring the risk to his standing amongst Orthodox Jews, Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu fretted earlier in the week over what to get President Obama for Valentine’s Day. Netanyahu, busy typing terms like ‘pissed off,’ ‘leader of a superpower,’ and ‘gone too far,’ into Google even as Valentine’s Day arrived was...
Given The Mideast Beast’s (TMB) commitment to accuracy in reporting and our nonexistent long-term relationship with NBC Nightly News’ Mr Brian Williams, after careful research The Mideast Beast feels compelled to retract the following claims: Brian Williams did not suggest the name ‘Israel’ to David Ben-Gurion Brian Williams was not aboard the Enola Gay on August 6, 1945 Brian Williams did...
In another step forward in their search for international recognition, President Mahmoud Abbas today announced that Palestine has now been recognized by the International House of Pancakes. In a tense moment Mr Abbas and his party waited at the ‘Please Wait to be Served Sign’ at IHOP’s Ankeny, Iowa location. Assistant Manager, Aubree Chablis, then approached and guided his party...
Declaring that “as a co-equal branch of government, we need to hear a variety of perspectives on the important issues facing our nation,” Speaker of the House John Boehner today announced that Lloyd Minton, the bully who tortured President Barrack Obama in 5th Grade, would soon address a rare joint session of Congress. Boehner brushed aside those who questioned the...
Following the slaughter in Paris, the Stein family’s dinner table was brought to silence when Mrs Stein’s brother, Uncle Mike, explained that “we Jews could learn a thing or two” from those who carried out this act of murder. As his relations looked on in dumb humiliation, Uncle Mike continued, “look, I don’t condone what those terrorists did, but do...
Iraq today joined the growing list of Arab states warning their citizens about what Foreign Minister Ta-kka Uptabum described as “ongoing Zionist selfie aggression.” “When that monster, Doron Matalon, viciously attacked poor Saly Greige with her iPhone camera, we knew that the Zionists had opened another front in our almost 70 year old war.” Lebanese Ms Universe contestant, Greige, received...
Satirical cartoonist gangs yesterday rioted across Europe through Muslim neighborhoods in an apparent revenge attacks. At press time, 43 Muslims were reported dead, 110 injured, and an uncounted number viciously lampooned. Muslim leaders and politicians called on cartoonists to condemn the rioters. “If satirical cartoonists wish to live in Britain, they must integrate into British civilization,” declared Prime Minister David...
In a move surprising both for its timeliness and its lack of hypocrisy, France today declared that it is time for the Normans to return to Normandy. “Look it’s been a great run. Really, we planned on holding the announcement another 51 years for the 1000 year anniversary, but it is time to end the illegal occupation of our Anglo-Saxon...
In another demonstration of their growing military prowess, ISIS today announced that their fighters had successfully downed part of a My Little Pony Squadron invading their territory. “Allah be praised, our rockets struck home!” declared spokesman Ive ibn Drinkin. “The sky rained blood and brightly colored fur. Glory to the All-mighty.” Early reports agreed that Merry May and Cloud Chaser...
In the wake of the outpouring of grief and horror at the murders carried out against the staff of Charlie Hebdo, several ghosts of Jewish terror victims were seen marching down Paris’s Champs-Elysees. The march started quite small. “We are really pretty used to being ignored,” observed the ghost of Rabbi Jonathan Sandler as he walked hand in hand with...
In a move sure to shake up the shadowy realm of our dark overlords, rumors abound that upstarts Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase yesterday launched a bid to acquire The Elders of Zion, long one of the most respected brands among sinister secret societies. Reactions to the rumored move have been decidedly mixed. “All show,” declared senior analyst...
Scientists have been delighted by new footage of the Dictator Russian in its natural habitat, ‘the global summit’. Various members of the genus Dictator were once so common that they were considered vermin. Indeed, until recently, the Russian species was thought all but extinct. “Every nature filmmaker dreams about capturing this kind of footage,” declared Hans Treeugger. “We set up our blind to blend in. You can’t...
On the heels of declaring her kneidlach a “violation of the Convention Against Landmines” and her homemade pickles as “barely skirting the biological weapons ban,” The Human Rights Council voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to declare Bubbie’s brisket a “war crime.” Council President Baudelaire Ndong Ella of Gabon made the announcement declaring that “the time had come. The Council cannot sit idle...
In a scene which aroused smug smiles from the Orthodox Rabbinate and shock and horror from his colleagues, Rabbi Louis Bluck of Ft. Lauderdale’s Congregation Beit Hazerie was seen converting any gentile on which he could lay hands. “I was just coming out after a nosh,” reported witness Herb Rappaport. “And there’s Rabbi Bluck on Sterling Place converting this Latin...
