Rube Silverhill
Scientologists Blast Netanyahu Over Alleged Planned Illegal Settlement on Comet
As the world applauded the historic engineering achievement which landed a space probe on a Comet 67P, some observers were less pleased. The Scientologist community was up in arms this past week over an alleged Israeli plan to ‘create an illegal settlement’ on Comet 67P, noting that several of the scientists involved in the Rosetta mission are Israeli and are probably members of The Mossad. “This is an obvious land grab,” one Scientologist member explained. “The cosmos belongs to Scientologists,...
Dave Matthews Immigrates to Israel
TEL AVIV — In a surprise move, legendary musician Dave Matthews has decided to immigrate to Israel. In an interview with Yonit Levy, the musician said, “This was a difficult choice for me, but this seems like the right time to be with my people.” Mr. Matthews will move to Tel Aviv by year’s end. Mr. Matthew’s publicist elaborated on the decision to The Mideast Beast. “It’s time that Dave returns to where he feels most comfortable. Cut off jean...
Jewish Uncle Shocked to Discover That Not Everything Innovative Comes from Israel
Uncle Morty was shocked to discover yesterday that countries other than Israel are responsible for recent technological advances. Uncle Morty, who is well known in the family for espousing common quips about Israel such as, “Israel created Instant Messaging” and “Israel has more Nobel Prizes per Capita than the US” is now trying to cope with his new understanding of the world. “He hasn’t taken the news very well,” commented Aunt Ruth. “He’s spent the last hour locked in the...
New ISIS Recruits Shocked to Discover Fellow Jihadists Aren’t Very Friendly
Fresh faced ISIS recruits arrived in Syria last week, eagerly awaiting what is sure to be an adventure of a lifetime, pillaging towns, murdering civilians who don’t meet an arbitrary definition of what it means to be Muslim, and of course building bonds and brotherhood with fellow ISIS fighters. As the new recruits joined the ranks, however, some started having second thoughts. “I was a little surprised,” one fighter was explained, under condition of anonymity fearing that his fellow Jihadists...
Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols
As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it was a Mosque, so I was pretty upset, but then I saw that it was a school promoting coexistence, and...
Islam Just Going Through Rebellious Teenage Years, Father Says
With the rise of ISIS and Islamic extremism in general, the religion that gave the world huge advances in the sciences, mathematics, and medicine when it was younger, is now going through some natural growing pains. “Islam is going through a tough time right now,” Abraham, Father of Nations, said, as he poured a stiff glass of scotch, single malt of course. “It’s natural that Islam is facing things that all religions go through as they reach this age: it’s...
Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’
ORLANDO, FL — The Happiest Place On Earth just got a little happier, as Disney announced the opening of Little Israel at Epcot Center this past weekend, just in time for Hanukkah and Christmas. The multinational corporation has carved out some land to represent the Jewish State, providing authentic cultural experiences all staffed by out-of-your-league chicks rocking casually slung assault rifles. As Epcot is known for showcasing technological innovations from around the world, Little Israel features the Iron Dome Missile...
Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Due to escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?” Despite heavy media attention on Israel, a deeper analysis has uncovered that the...
‘Birthright’ Student Returns Home…Still a Virgin
Seth Finklebaumstein, a 19-year-old sophomore at Duke University, returned home from his ‘Birthright’ Israel experience this summer still a virgin, sources say. “Well, I was disappointed to say the least,” the fraternity brother explained. While there have been previous rumors of participants not hooking up, Mr. Finklebaumstein is the first confirmed case. The ‘Birthright’ experience is a free, 10-day trip created to connect Jews in the diaspora to the Homeland. Open to participants between the hormone-driven and sexually exploratory ages...
Egyptian Deity Changes Name to ‘The Goddess Formerly Known as Isis’
The Egyptian Goddess of Magic and Life announced yesterday that after several months of being confused with the terrorist organization ISIS, she would change her name to the The Goddess Formerly Known As Isis, or TGFKAI for short. “It’s with a heavy heart that I announce today that I will now be known as the The Goddess Formerly Known as Isis,” the deity said in a press conference surrounded by other well-known ancient gods. “Over the last several months, my...
Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively in Social Media
As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: The next war will be fought exclusively over social media channels. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF official. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging in our strategic arsenal, and Hamas now has what everyone accepts is a brilliant Instagram account #nofilter, #thatsnotarocketintheplayground. This next...
Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments
Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation and exchange ideas,” he commented. “Due to Facebook’s high level of dialogue, thoughtful user community, and of course mutual respect...
The Mideast Beast’s Top 10 Key Steps To a High Startup Valuation
With all the exciting activity going on in the start up world, The Mideast Beast wanted to provide some practical guidance to aspiring entrepreneurs who want to maximize the value of their startup. (We are, after all, the self-proclaimed experts in business journalism.) To do this we compiled a list of actionable tips from prominent serial entrepreneurs, angel investors, and venture capitalists. We then took that list, shredded it, and created our own. Give your company a slightly misspelled single-word name...
Establishment Fires Back after Trump Calls for Complete Shutdown of Dicks Entering the U.S.
Quoting security concerns from the surge of Syrian refugees, Donald Trump issued a statement calling for the immediate ban of dicks entering the United States. In a town hall event, Trump stated, “If you look at the terror attacks that have happened both at home and abroad, there’s only one group responsible: dicks. We need to screen for dicks and not let them in.” While there are plenty of questions that still remain unanswered, such as what defines a dick, Trump’s announcement...
In Rare Act of Solidarity, Egypt, Jordan, and Israel Agree ‘Exodus’ Is an Awful Movie
With the Jewish Holiday of Passover beginning on Friday, the state of Israel announced yesterday that it would join ranks with Jordan and Egypt and agree that Ridley Scott’s epic ‘Exodus’ is just an awful movie. In a joint press conference, leaders from Egypt, Israel, and Jordan announced that they would stand together in condemnation of ‘Exodus’. “All three countries take our public relations very seriously,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said. “We simply cannot stand for a Rotten Tomatoes ‘TOMATOMETER’...
US Turns to Israel for Help with Racial Profiling
In the wake and aftermath of Ferguson protests, along with a St. Louis area black man being shot by police, and on the heels of the riots in Baltimore, state and federal authorities are scrambling to contain a major problem on their hands: the American public’s lack of acceptance of racial profiling. “This used to be a hell of a lot easier,” explained one local police chief. “We’d shoot an unarmed black man, make up some bullshit story about how he was reaching...
Rubio Offers to Support Israel with “Fleet of Mindless Drones”
Following recent negotiations on a military aid package, presidential candidate Marco Rubio pledged to maintain Israel’s technological superiority by proposing a plan to supply the country with a fleet of drones. “If elected President, I would ensure Israel maintains its technological advantages and has access to plenty of drones,” Mr. Rubio stated in a scripted press conference. “I know, deeply, how valuable robots can be for a country. The best way to attain any goal is to mindlessly practice and...
Taylor Swift’s New Album Rumored to Be about Israeli Prime Minister
With Taylor Swift’s newest album, 1989, recent rumors have been swirling that the entire album is about Swift’s speculated former romance with Zionist dreamboat, Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu. Rumors of the hidden relationship began when the two were separately spotted in New York City, Swifts adopted home, during a United Nations summit. It is speculated that Swift’s most recent song “Welcome to New York” is about that visit, with the lyrics “Welcome to New York, it’s been waiting for you,” unmistakably...
Netanyahu: “I’m Proof That Well-Funded Incumbents Can Defy Odds, Become Prime Minister”
Still reeling from his landslide victory months ago, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu hosted a press conference in Jerusalem to address critics of the proposed policies stated during the campaign. While the official purpose of the conference was to clarify his remarks on a two-state solution, staffers widely acknowledged that severe gloating would definitely be a part of the discussion. “Many people counted me out,” Netanyahu declared, grinning ear to ear. “Many people said, ‘Bibi, you’re too unpopular’. They said that...
Kerry Absent from Temple Mount Negotiations; Overinflated Sense of Self Unable to Squeeze Through Negotiating Room Door
With tensions over the Temple Mount increasing, John Kerry is, of course, back in the region. Kerry arrived in Israel last week, opting to travel in an Ancient Roman litter, carried by four of his subordinates. “Everyone relax, John Kerry is back in town,” John Kerry said, addressing a sparsely populated press conference. He then paused for his scheduled 30 seconds to accept applause and admiration, despite only a single clap in the back of the room, most likely from...