Uncle Morty was shocked to discover yesterday that countries other than Israel are responsible for recent technological advances. Uncle Morty, who is well known in the family for espousing common quips about Israel such as, “Israel created Instant Messaging” and “Israel has more Nobel Prizes per Capita than the US” is now trying to cope with his new understanding of...
BOMBED AP OFFICE, GAZA CITY — Due to always-escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel, while some actually have nothing to do with the Jewish State at all. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict...
Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation...
As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it...
Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world that it is, indeed, a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing an ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “Look at other successful terrorist organizations; all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible. In the name of Allah, what do...
As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: the next war will be fought exclusively on social media platforms. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF officer. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging...
With the rise of groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS and Islamic extremism in general, the religion that gave the world huge advances in the sciences, mathematics, and medicine when it was younger, is now going through some natural growing pains. “Islam is going through a tough time right now,” Abraham, Father of Nations, said, as he poured a stiff glass of...
Fresh faced ISIS recruits arrived in Syria last week, eagerly awaiting what is sure to be an adventure of a lifetime, pillaging towns, murdering civilians who don’t meet an arbitrary definition of what it means to be Muslim, and of course building bonds and brotherhood with fellow ISIS fighters. As the new recruits joined the ranks, however, some started having...
In the wake and aftermath of Ferguson protests, along with a St. Louis area black man being shot by police, and on the heels of the riots in Baltimore, state and federal authorities are scrambling to contain a major problem on their hands: the American public’s lack of acceptance of racial profiling. “This used to be a hell of a lot easier,”...
As the world applauded the historic engineering achievement which landed a space probe on a Comet 67P, some observers were less pleased. The Scientologist community was up in arms this past week over an alleged Israeli plan to ‘create an illegal settlement’ on Comet 67P, noting that several of the scientists involved in the Rosetta mission are Israeli and are...
TEL AVIV — In a surprise move, legendary musician Dave Matthews has decided to immigrate to Israel. In an interview with Yonit Levy, the musician said, “This was a difficult choice for me, but this seems like the right time to be with my people.” Mr. Matthews will move to Tel Aviv by year’s end. Mr. Matthew’s publicist elaborated on...
ORLANDO, FL — The Happiest Place On Earth just got a little happier, as Disney announced the opening of Little Israel at Epcot Center this past weekend, just in time for Hanukkah and Christmas. The multinational corporation has carved out some land to represent the Jewish State, providing authentic cultural experiences all staffed by out-of-your-league chicks rocking casually slung assault...
Seth Finklebaumstein, a 19-year-old sophomore at Duke University, returned home from his ‘Birthright’ Israel experience this summer still a virgin, sources say. “Well, I was disappointed to say the least,” the fraternity brother explained. While there have been previous rumors of participants not hooking up, Mr. Finklebaumstein is the first confirmed case. The ‘Birthright’ experience is a free, 10-day trip...
The Egyptian Goddess of Magic and Life announced yesterday that after several months of being confused with the terrorist organization ISIS, she would change her name to the The Goddess Formerly Known As Isis, or TGFKAI for short. “It’s with a heavy heart that I announce today that I will now be known as the The Goddess Formerly Known as...
Quoting security concerns from the surge of Syrian refugees, Donald Trump issued a statement calling for the immediate ban of dicks entering the United States. In a town hall event, Trump stated, “If you look at the terror attacks that have happened both at home and abroad, there’s only one group responsible: dicks. We need to screen for dicks and not let...
With the Jewish Holiday of Passover beginning on Friday, the state of Israel announced yesterday that it would join ranks with Jordan and Egypt and agree that Ridley Scott’s epic ‘Exodus’ is just an awful movie. In a joint press conference, leaders from Egypt, Israel, and Jordan announced that they would stand together in condemnation of ‘Exodus’. “All three countries take...
Following recent negotiations on a military aid package, presidential candidate Marco Rubio pledged to maintain Israel’s technological superiority by proposing a plan to supply the country with a fleet of drones. “If elected President, I would ensure Israel maintains its technological advantages and has access to plenty of drones,” Mr. Rubio stated in a scripted press conference. “I know, deeply,...
With Taylor Swift’s newest album, 1989, recent rumors have been swirling that the entire album is about Swift’s speculated former romance with Zionist dreamboat, Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu. Rumors of the hidden relationship began when the two were separately spotted in New York City, Swifts adopted home, during a United Nations summit. It is speculated that Swift’s most recent song “Welcome...
Still reeling from his landslide victory months ago, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu hosted a press conference in Jerusalem to address critics of the proposed policies stated during the campaign. While the official purpose of the conference was to clarify his remarks on a two-state solution, staffers widely acknowledged that severe gloating would definitely be a part of the discussion. “Many...
With tensions over the Temple Mount increasing, John Kerry is, of course, back in the region. Kerry arrived in Israel last week, opting to travel in an Ancient Roman litter, carried by four of his subordinates. “Everyone relax, John Kerry is back in town,” John Kerry said, addressing a sparsely populated press conference. He then paused for his scheduled 30...
