Rube Silverhill

 

Kerry Absent from Temple Mount Negotiations; Overinflated Sense of Self Unable to Squeeze Through Negotiating Room Door

Kerry Absent from Temple Mount Negotiations; Overinflated Sense of Self Unable to Squeeze Through Negotiating Room Door

With tensions over the Temple Mount increasing, John Kerry is, of course, back in the region. Kerry arrived in Israel last week, opting to travel in an Ancient Roman litter, carried by four of his subordinates. “Everyone relax, John Kerry is back in town,” John Kerry said, addressing a sparsely populated press conference. He then paused for his scheduled 30 seconds to accept applause and admiration, despite only a single clap in the back of the room, most likely from...

UN Finds Israel Guilty of War Crimes; Cites Use of Iron Dome

UN Finds Israel Guilty of War Crimes; Cites Use of Iron Dome

The United Nations has found Israel guilty of war crimes due to its relentless use of Iron Dome during the last war between Israel and Gaza in 2014. From the time hostilities broke out at the beginning of July of 2014, the Israeli government has since been criticized for its unapologetic use of force in destroying projectiles sent from Gaza. Many have protested that the Iron Dome’s rockets murdered Hamas’ rockets. “The innocent rockets we’re sending over haven’t even exploded yet,” said a senior Hamas official....

Sports Report: Hamas and FIFA Team Up to Provide Winter Camps for Kids

Sports Report: Hamas and FIFA Team Up to Provide Winter Camps for Kids

Hamas and FIFA have decided to team up and provide camps for kids, sources familiar with the matter have told The Mideast Beast. “We’ve been looking to work together for a long time,” explained a FIFA official. “We are two of the largest recipients in illicit Qatari funding, so our eventual partnership was practically inevitable.” The camps, which will be located in Gaza, are expected to provide fantastic programming for young athletes, promising to develop not only campers’ soccer skills...

Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys

Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys

Living in Israel, it’s easy to forget how good you have it. It’s only when real tragedies occur in other countries and dominate the media that you realize everything you’ve been taking for granted. I had this realization this week, as my Facebook newsfeed was littered with disaster stories from half way around the world. Families torn apart. Lives turned upside down. I’m referring, of course, to the earth shattering report that Tom Brady “more likely than not” knew that...

Israeli Tech Company Invents Something That Has Something To Do With Data and Social Networking Or Some Sort of Integration

Israeli Tech Company Invents Something That Has Something To Do With Data and Social Networking Or Some Sort of Integration

Israeli Tech Company, DigityzeMe, unveiled this week it’s new product expected to revolutionize something related to how people communicate or interact with people or machines online.   The platform, set for release at the beginning of the summer, will have something to do with enabling companies to do something with users data and somehow help customers create some sort of online community that has something to do with organizing people together. “We set out on this project because we spotted a...

New Israeli Immigrants Realize They’ve Made a Huge Mistake

New Israeli Immigrants Realize They’ve Made a Huge Mistake

As Israel has embraced new waves of immigrants entering the country, those immigrants are slowly starting to realize that the ‘land of milk and honey’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “Land of milk and honey, my ass! I’ve made a huge mistake,” said David Greenberg while holding a surfboard on his way to the beach. “I left a six figure salary in New York and came to Tel Aviv where the only apartment I can afford is a...

Netanyahu Questions Future American Relations as Obama Returns Mix Tape

Netanyahu Questions Future American Relations as Obama Returns Mix Tape

Sources close to Benjamin Netanyahu confirmed reports yesterday that the Prime Minister was ‘outraged’ and ‘crushed’ after President Obama returned a box of Netanyahu’s belongings, including a mix tape made specifically for the President. “I just don’t know what happened,” the Prime Minister stated. “One day everything’s fine, the next day he’s flirting with Iran on a terrible nuke deal? I poured my heart and soul into that tape, you just can’t give it back.” RELATED: Diplomatic Crisis as Obama Unfriends...

Biden: “Sadists Should Be Allowed to practice Sadire Without Fear of Physical Retribution”

Biden: “Sadists Should Be Allowed to practice Sadire Without Fear of Physical Retribution”

As the world continues to reflect on the 7 January attack on Charlie Hebdo, Joe Biden held a press conference to express his condolences to the people of France. In a prepared statement, and surrounded by his wife and family, Biden said, “Part of living in a free an open society is being able to express ourselves. Unfortunately, the satirists at Charlie Hebdo did not get to exercise that right.” Putting down the notecards and veering off script, Biden continued,...

Hamas set to lift its blockade on Israel

Hamas set to lift its blockade on Israel

As a ceasefire continues to hold between Israel and Hamas in Gaza (one of its beautiful beaches in the image above), Hamas has announced that it will lift its crushing blockade and restrictions on Israeli goods and citizens. The surprise move was meant as a showing of good faith and a peace offering to its Jewish neighbor to the north, east, and south. The international community applauded the decision, though many are still unsure what ‘international community’ actually means. In an...

Tel Aviv Man Only Person Surprised by Clinton’s Announcement For Presidency

Tel Aviv Man Only Person Surprised by Clinton’s Announcement For Presidency

Local Tel Aviv Resident, Etai Rosenfield, expressed complete shock when he learned of Hillary Clinton’s declaration that she will seek the presidency. “I just didn’t see it coming,” Rosenfield stated in an exclusive interview. “I mean, talk about an announcement that just came out of completely nowhere!” RELATED: Hillary Clinton denies having a Jewish heritage; admits to “slight resemblance” Research from The Mideast Beast indicates that Mr. Rosenfield is literally the only person in the world who did not expect Secretary Clinton...

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces

Iraqi Security Forces (ISF) have announced that Julia Pierson, the Former US Secret Service Director, has been tapped to run the Iraqi national security organization. “We’ve been looking for the right candidate for months,” explained a top official in the Iraqi Security Forces. “When we read about the security breach at the White House, the subsequent lying as to how far the intruder got, and the overall undisciplined culture of the secret service, we knew we had found the right...

Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”

Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”

One American journalist has won the coveted Pulitzer Prize for online journalism, presented by the prestigious Columbia University, for his investigative work uncovering a major conspiracy among satirical news sites: “the stories are not true!” read his final conclusions. The work that won him the Pulitzer Prize debunked a satirical article published by The Mideast Beast (TMB) about Eminem converting to Judaism and moving to Tel Aviv. Not only did the article turn out to be completely fabricated, but The Mideast Beast even made...

Fox News Anchor Supports Racial Profiling White Males

Fox News Anchor Supports Racial Profiling White Males

In a surprise twist of events, Fox News anchor Eric Bolling came out in support of racial profiling white males in an effort to protect US schools.  Bolling said that he is in support of policies that promote additional levels of screening for white males in an effort to keep schools safe from mass shootings. Under Bollings plan, white males entering school would be asked questions about their purposes for entering the building and other additional levels of screening. “Security...

Devil Announces Record Profits Following Israeli Election

Devil Announces Record Profits Following Israeli Election

Lucifer LLC announced better than expected earning results this week, following the Israeli election. While analysts are still studying the documents, it looks as though the majority of the earnings came from one major client. “We gave Bibi the nickname ‘Rainmaker’” the Devil said, lighting a Cuban cigar with the snap of his fingers and adjusting the ‘Customer of the Year’ picture frame on his desk of Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu. “A few weeks ago Bibi came to me and...

World sends strong message at Paris Unity Rally: Terror against White, Christian Westerners will not be tolerated

World sends strong message at Paris Unity Rally: Terror against White, Christian Westerners will not be tolerated

In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo attacks, leaders from around the world have come together in a rare act of unity to send a message to terrorists around the world: Terrorism, in any shape or form, will simply not be tolerated when perpetrated against White, Christian, Westerners. “These last several weeks have been eye opening,” Secretary State John Kerry said in a press conference as James Taylor awkwardly played ‘You’ve Got a Friend’ on a microphone that looked uncomfortably low...

Tired of Being Surrounded by Hipsters, Brooklyn Man Moves To Tel Aviv

Tired of Being Surrounded by Hipsters, Brooklyn Man Moves To Tel Aviv

Fed up with being surrounded by Hipsters, Williamsburg native Jacob Rothstein finally pulled the trigger and booked a one-way ticket to Tel Aviv. “I just can’t take it anymore,” Mr Rothstein said. “Everywhere I look, I see people in flannel and skinny jeans. Brooklyn is filled with trendy café after trendy café, all populated mid-week with millennia’s smoking cigarettes and drinking lattes or craft beer. I mean, it’s 2pm on a fuckin’ Wednesday, don’t you have to work? I just...

Ugg Boots responsible for US Airways ’Vomit Flight’

Ugg Boots responsible for US Airways ’Vomit Flight’

A week after the grounding of a US Airways flight from Tel Aviv to Philadelphia, a Tel Aviv native in Ugg Boots claimed responsibility for the odor that wafted through the cabin and sparked a chain reaction of vomiting. Rose Pedelstein contacted media outlets after a TSA investigation identified her feet as the source for the noxious odor. “I’m really, really sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused,” Ms. Pedelstein said in a statement. “But the temperature in Tel Aviv...

Netanyahu: ‘Winter Is Coming’

Netanyahu: ‘Winter Is Coming’

Aides of Benjamin Netanyahu expressed frustration this week at the PM’s new habit of quoting Game of Thrones in official government communications. Aides say they noticed something was off when Netanyahu called a press conference to discuss the recent breakdown in the coalition government and concluded with: “Prepare, my friends, winter is coming.” Reports indicate this all began when the Mossad hacked the computer of Hamas’ leader and obtained his HBOGo account credentials, which were presented to the PM in...

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

It’s election time in Israel again, and Benjamin Netanyahu is hoping to replicate the recent US elections, where only a third of the electorate participated. Netanyahu’s political advisors are white boarding strategies to replicate the same voter apathy in Israel, an apparent silver-bullet for winning elections for conservatives. “We currently get about 70% voter participation,” Netanyahu said. “That’s way too high. Israel attracts voters from across the political spectrum, and that’s our problem. Most Americans seem to have just given...

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher was accidentally nominated U.S. Secretary of Defense yesterday as the result of a White House back-office mistake. The nomination was supposed to go to Pentagon veteran Ashton Carter, but a low-level white house intern added Kutcher’s name instead. “What kind of parents name their kid Ashton?” the intern asked. “Who would’ve thought there were actually two Ashtons in the world, let a lone one serious enough to run the Department of Defense.” Republicans jumped on the announcement, with...