Marcus was raised by wolves. He left for the big city after realising he just not that into ‘packs’. He considered a job as a male model but was told he was ‘ugly’ not ‘ugly in an interesting way’. Recovering from this blow he attempted to take holy orders but was rejected at the first hurdle when he got the wrong answer to the question, “Do you believe in God?”
Suffering a crisis of confidence he was easy prey for the Jewish predators at The Israeli Daily. In return for all the fresh mice he could eat (yes, it’s TRUE!!), Marcus now attempts to explain to Americans that ‘Liberal” doesn’t mean what they think it means, and that it’s impossible to be ‘Muslim’ and a ‘Communist’. However he thanks them for the idea for his first sitcom ‘Mohammed meets Marx’, premiering this spring on Fox.
President Elect Trump has reportedly spoken to King Salman of Saudi Arabia to seek his advice on how the transition team should handle staffing the incoming administration. A spokesman for Trump commented, “President Elect Trump had a very productive call with the King, it certainly opened his eyes to some radically new ways to go about things in 2017.” He continued,...
President Obama has confirmed plans for a surprisingly robust response to Donald Trump assuming the leadership of the free world next year. In a press conference in Peru, he stated, “First I’ve promised to take Michelle and the kids for a nice relaxing vacation. I hear that Northern Pakistan is particularly nice in the winter. After that we will be looking...
Syrian government officials have acknowledged that recent events in the US have left them playing catch up in the news cycle. But they have refused to be disheartened and have vowed to get back in the game the best way they know how: just bomb everything. Hospitals? Bomb them. Blood banks? Bomb them some more. Ambulances? Wait till they stop...
Rebel fighters in Aleppo have taken to social media to ask whether #notmypresident protestors are interested in an exchange program. Nabir Younis took time from being bombed by Russian warplanes to comment, “Don’t get me wrong, we are all sympathetic to those saddened by their candidates’ loss last Tuesday. Only yesterday Mahmud and I were discussing how infuriating it must be that...
Shortly after 4am, Syrian government forces in west Aleppo crossed over into the rebel-held east, bearing cigarettes and coffee. Fighters from both sides were seen sitting in small circles smoking and staring into the middle distance with some placing a comforting arm around their former foes’ shoulders. Simultaneously over Yemen, Saudi warplanes dropped food and medical supplies with the note...
Reports from Afghanistan suggest that senior Al-Qaeda leadership are running out into fields waving red flags and waiting for the sweet release of death to avoid any more 24-news coverage of the US presidential election. A spokesman for the group said; “On reflection, it was a mistake to sign up for the full news package from Al Jazeera. We should...
With just a few days to go until “The Coming of the Nameless One Who Has Sapped the Energy From Every Single Human Being Over the Past Six Months” – or the U.S. presidential elections as some people still insist on calling it – the people of Yemen are looking forward to regaining their place at the forefront of the world’s attention. One...
President Obama has announced that plans to introduce Sharia law across America will be fast-tracked once his third term in office begins. In an exclusive interview with Breitbart the world’s leading Communist Muslim stated, “After universal health care, this was always my biggest policy goal but much to my disappointment stuff just kept getting in the way. FEMA prisoner of...
The CIA has shocked the wider intelligence community by confessing, “we just don’t do sums.” According to Director of Basic Mental Arithmetic, Jim Thomson, “most of the guys and girls here are very much ‘humanities’ students. Ask them to make some wide-sweeping statement about any regional situation, no problem, 50,000 words on your desk by close of play.” However counting...
TEL AVIV – Israeli warplanes have reportedly gate crashed the ongoing Saudi coalition against Shia Houthi insurgents threatening the Yemeni Government. Colonel Yossi Fluffer, Head of Aerial Ass Kicking with the Israeli Air Force commented; “We are just sick of people bombing Muslims without letting us have a go first. The guys have been pretty out of sorts since the Syrian...
In a further blow to Samsung’s PR machine, recalled Galaxy Note7 smart phones are now the weapon of choice for Syrian government forces. Military press officer Mahmoud Goldstein commented, “To be honest we had been running out of things to drop from our helicopters, so Samsung has been a real life saver. Well obviously not if you’re standing under one...
In a crucial amendment to her widespread desire to spread Sharia law across the country, a spokesman for Hillary Clinton has explained that this will only actually apply to Anthony Weiner come 2017. “As many Breitbart readers know, we’ve been toying with replacing the red, white and blue with the black and white for some time. But to be honest...
Senior officials from Doctors Without Borders (Médecins Sans Frontières, MSF) have signed a pledge to stop placing their medical facilities in the path of bombs and missiles on their way to legitimate targets. William Jones of Doctors Without Borders commented; “When you’re wrong it’s important to stick your hand up and say ‘hey, our bad’. If this was the first...
Senior ISIS leaders have been seeking confirmation on whether “Duck Dynasty” is something that people actually watch, or just some elaborate prank that they just aren’t getting. Abu al-Masri, a professional head separator with the organization, was clearly confused, “We’ve had a few set backs lately, but the upside has been a little more time to catch up on our...
Following the success of the Ice Bucket Challenge in aid of ALS, Hamas and the IDF have been moved to create their very own charity fundraising scheme. Saul Starstein, Director of Giving for the IDF explained more. “We all accept that our media profile is really not that great. Now’s not the time to get into the blame game of...
The Trump camp is reportedly furious at the amateur efforts of very white man Michael Sandford, after the 20-year-old Englishman made his assassination attempt this week at a Vegas rally. “I mean look at this guy, he’s so damn pale. I’m told he’s been living in his car. Well, all I can say is crack the sunroof open a little...
Hairy-palmed Israelis across the country are remarking that it’s just typical that all those nice Jewish girls have refused to get on board with the latest Hollywood craze of letting “jazz shots” of themselves leak onto the internet. Jonathan Levy, a regular ‘Rabbi-spanker’ from Tel Aviv, spoke for many, “Rihanna, Kate Upton, Selena Gomez and Kim Kardashian, what do they...
Following news that Lego toys are becoming increasingly more violent, Israel and Egypt have demanded the toy be added to their foreign military aid packages from the US. IDF spokesmen Yuval ben-Zion said; “We are determined to keep a quantified edge over any potential opponent, and with this news that Lego is basically just a brightly colored arms bazar, we...
The Israeli government has sent a strongly worded complaint to its counter parts in Syria after discovering they have been left out of the latest round of blame assigning, for the second time in at least two weeks. “Wow, what’s a Zionist gotta do to get some love round here?” the message reads in part. It continues; “We’re not saying...
In a hard-hitting report Amnesty International has uncovered what many feared, some Palestinians are just complete dicks. Human rights commentator Darren Wild said, “We had all been hoping this wasn’t true and that we could hold onto our belief that all Palestinians were either simple goat herders, toddlers or poets. But sadly it seems that a small minority of them...
