Gunther Colt is an American author and investigative journalist who writes about issues related to the Middle East, Near East, Far East, and the is-it-possible-we’re-eurocentric-east. A direct descendant of the first colonists at Roanoke, Colt was born and raised in Mississippi on his family farm, CandieLand. After earning his B.S. in equestrian studies from the University of Edoras, Colt backpacked around the world. It was on this trip Colt first visited Israel, which he at first hated after paying four dollars for a watered down shot of Arak. However, he was soon struck by the vibrancy of the people and culture, and ultimately, by a stray tear gas canister. He has been writing ever since. With only two Tinder matches after months of swiping, he currently lives alone and miserable, with his teacup pig, Cerberus.
The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long...
Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign promise to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way...
Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach...
Following rocky negotiations between US and Israeli officials about new settlements in the West Bank, President Trump has instructed his envoy to allow building to go ahead, so long as they bear a giant “Trump” sign on the entrance. “This might be the toughest deal ever,” commented the President “I’m not really up to speed with the complexities of the...
According to the results of a study conducted by one prestigious American community college, over 87% of comments made on various internet forums about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict were written by people who had completed master’s degrees in the field of middle eastern studies, or in a comparable field. The study, which was carried out by researchers over a five-year period,...
As springtime is approaching, and in accordance with regulations that a war between Israel and Gaza occur once every two years in the summertime, Israeli and Hamas authorities have begun talks this week to plan the initial stages of the conflict. According to transcripts obtained from closed door meetings, Hamas suggested that they unveil a new 200 km range missile in...
Following the most recent beheading of a colleague, graphic design graduate Mark Davis began to regret taking the internship with Al-Hayat media, which he had applied to during his final semester. “The job market is really tight for recent grads, you know? So I saw the opportunity with ISIS and I had to jump on it,” said Davis in an...
Under the constant threat of barrel bombs, stray mortar shells, crossfire between various rebel factions, and being strafed by a fighter jet, Syrian teen Mahmoud al-Tibi admitted Sunday that he can’t find one goddamn minute to jerk off properly. Between his mom barging into his bedroom to tell him “they’ve begun shelling again” and his little sister sobbing uncontrollably next...
The Mossad, Israel’s international espionage agency has released a highly trained Kraken to harass and destroy Gazan fishing ships. In a statement released by a Mossad spokesperson, they admitted to previously training sharks to attack Egyptians in the Red sea, as well as eagles to spy on Hezbollah, and of course Flipper Goldstein, the Mossad dolphin to spy on Hamas. The spokesman explained, “Honestly, the...
Following the White House’s decision to move the US Embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, ISIS has reacted angrily, pledging that it will open embassies “immediately, and in multiple, coordinated locations” in Washington DC. Though ISIS insists any embassy would be solely used for purposes of visa applications, lost passports and hosting the world’s least fun diplomatic parties, the...
In the wake of an attack on a mosque in Egypt’s Sinai Peninsula by ISIS militants which killed 305 people, the internet community has expressed absolute shock and horror, and individuals around the world have begun to reflect on the fragility of their own lives and those of their friends and family. According to data provided by Twitter, over 30...
Yearning for companionship, and running out of people in their immediate areas, recent reports have indicated that Saudi Arabia and Israel have changed the settings on their Tinder profiles to increase the search distance, and surprisingly, right swiped each other. According to sources close with both countries, the two have been talking nightly, and have even discussed making it “an...
Despite public condemnation of the Kurdistan vote for independence by the US State Department, behind closed doors, US officials have been thrilled by recent developments in the Kurdish areas of Iraq. One official commented “We’re just so happy there’s something new to work with here. The American people are sick of hearing about ‘Iraq,’ Afghanistan’ or ‘Syria’. We needed something...
Following North Korea’s recent launch of a missile over northern Japan, Iranian generals have noted to reporters that they are jealous that the ‘Hermit Kingdom’ has begun taking such dramatic action. As tensions soar between North Korea and the US, many of them noted that they were experiencing extreme feelings of ‘FOMO,’ and began to question why their country had...
Following the condemnation of the President’s statements on the Charlottesville protests by Republican colleagues, the President has reached out to Israeli leaders to support his position. In a press conference today, Trump stated, “It would be nice if some of my Israeli friends helped, you know I love Israel, those Jews are doing fantastic things over there with the high tech,...
Following the news that Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer during the 2016 campaign in order to get dirt on Hillary Clinton, The Elders of Zion released a statement today affirming their direct role in shaping the results of the elections. The statement noted that “this whole Russia thing has gotten way out of hand, and we want...
Following Donald Trump’s announcement that the United States will back out of the Paris Climate Agreement, the Islamic State released a statement saying that it plans to blow up thousands of cars in the US to halt carbon emissions. The statement noted that withdrawing from the agreement which nearly 200 countries signed onto was a blow to both the US...
After months of crackdowns by Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan following last year’s attempted coup, a new effort targeting the nation’s wildlife has been confirmed. The crackdown comes after the President delivered a report stating that the entire population of Turkey was currently being held in detention centers. As of May 9, over 700 gazelles had been detained by authorities, as...
Following the missile strikes on a Syrian airbase where Russian troops were reported to be stationed, President Trump has announced the Russia-US war likely to follow would be the greatest ever. “It’s going to be just terrific, and we’re looking at a lot of options, ok,” he said in a press conference. “We’re looking at nuclear, we have a fantastic...
Palestinian olive farmer Mahmoud al-Tabrani was ecstatic Monday after a group of masked Jewish settlers burned down his olive grove. The grove was the exact site he had planned construction for his new home. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, he said being that he would have had to do all the work himself, and that “it’s like I’ve...
