Gunther Colt

Gunther Colt is an American author and investigative journalist who writes about issues related to the Middle East, Near East, Far East, and the is-it-possible-we’re-eurocentric-east. A direct descendant of the first colonists at Roanoke, Colt was born and raised in Mississippi on his family farm, CandieLand. After earning his B.S. in equestrian studies from the University of Edoras, Colt backpacked around the world. It was on this trip Colt first visited Israel, which he at first hated after paying four dollars for a watered down shot of Arak. However, he was soon struck by the vibrancy of the people and culture, and ultimately, by a stray tear gas canister. He has been writing ever since. With only two Tinder matches after months of swiping, he currently lives alone and miserable, with his teacup pig, Cerberus.

 

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers
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Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind...

Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Following rocky negotiations between US and Israeli officials about new settlements in the West Bank, President Trump has instructed his envoy to allow building to go ahead, so long as they bear a giant “Trump” sign on the entrance. “This might be the toughest deal ever,” commented the President  “I’m not really up to speed with the complexities of the...

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies
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Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

According to the results of a study conducted by one prestigious American community college, over 87% of comments made on various internet forums about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict were written by people who had completed master’s degrees in the field of middle eastern studies, or in a comparable field. The study, which was carried out by researchers over a five-year period,...

Israel and Hamas Begin Roundtable Discussions to Plan This Summer’s War
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Israel and Hamas Begin Roundtable Discussions to Plan This Summer’s War

As springtime is approaching, and in accordance with regulations that a war between Israel and Gaza occur once every two years in the summertime, Israeli and Hamas authorities have begun talks this week to plan the initial stages of the conflict. According to transcripts obtained from closed door meetings, Hamas suggested that they unveil a new 200 km range missile in...

Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship
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Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship

Following the most recent beheading of a colleague, graphic design graduate Mark Davis began to regret taking the internship with Al-Hayat media, which he had applied to during his final semester. “The job market is really tight for recent grads, you know? So I saw the opportunity with ISIS and I had to jump on it,” said Davis in an...

Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools
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Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools

Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach...

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace
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All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

Under the constant threat of barrel bombs, stray mortar shells, crossfire between various rebel factions, and being strafed by a fighter jet, Syrian teen Mahmoud al-Tibi admitted Sunday that he can’t find one goddamn minute to jerk off properly. Between his mom barging into his bedroom to tell him “they’ve begun shelling again” and his little sister sobbing uncontrollably next...

Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships

Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships

The Mossad, Israel’s international espionage agency has released a highly trained Kraken to harass and destroy Gazan fishing ships. In a statement released by a Mossad spokesperson, they admitted to previously training sharks to attack Egyptians in the Red sea, as well as eagles to spy on Hezbollah, and of course Flipper Goldstein, the Mossad dolphin to spy on Hamas. The spokesman explained, “Honestly, the...

In Response to US-Jerusalem Embassy Decision, ISIS Threatens to Open Embassy in Washington

In Response to US-Jerusalem Embassy Decision, ISIS Threatens to Open Embassy in Washington

Following the White House’s decision to move the US Embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, ISIS has reacted angrily, pledging that it will open embassies “immediately, and in multiple, coordinated locations” in Washington DC. Though ISIS insists any embassy would be solely used for purposes of visa applications, lost passports and hosting the world’s least fun diplomatic parties, the...

Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other
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Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other

Yearning for companionship, and running out of people in their immediate areas, recent reports have indicated that Saudi Arabia and Israel have changed the settings on their Tinder profiles to increase the search distance, and surprisingly, right swiped each other. According to sources close with both countries, the two have been talking nightly, and have even discussed making it “an...

Following Kurdistan Vote, US Excited to Have Another Middle Eastern Country to Invade
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Following Kurdistan Vote, US Excited to Have Another Middle Eastern Country to Invade

Despite public condemnation of the Kurdistan vote for independence by the US State Department, behind closed doors, US officials have been thrilled by recent developments in the Kurdish areas of Iraq. One official commented “We’re just so happy there’s something new to work with here. The American people are sick of hearing about ‘Iraq,’ Afghanistan’ or ‘Syria’. We needed something...

Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea
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Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea

Following North Korea’s recent launch of a missile over northern Japan, Iranian generals have noted to reporters that they are jealous that the ‘Hermit Kingdom’ has begun taking such dramatic action. As tensions soar between North Korea and the US, many of them noted that they were experiencing extreme feelings of ‘FOMO,’ and began to question why their country had...

Following the Arrest of Entire Turkish Populace, Erdogan Begins Crackdown on Terrestrial Wildlife, Pets

Following the Arrest of Entire Turkish Populace, Erdogan Begins Crackdown on Terrestrial Wildlife, Pets

After months of crackdowns by Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan following last year’s attempted coup, a new effort targeting the nation’s wildlife has been confirmed.  The crackdown comes after the President delivered a report stating that the entire population of Turkey was currently being held in detention centers. As of May 9, over 700 gazelles had been detained by authorities, as...