Gunther Colt is an American author and investigative journalist who writes about issues related to the Middle East, Near East, Far East, and the is-it-possible-we’re-eurocentric-east. A direct descendant of the first colonists at Roanoke, Colt was born and raised in Mississippi on his family farm, CandieLand. After earning his B.S. in equestrian studies from the University of Edoras, Colt backpacked around the world. It was on this trip Colt first visited Israel, which he at first hated after paying four dollars for a watered down shot of Arak. However, he was soon struck by the vibrancy of the people and culture, and ultimately, by a stray tear gas canister. He has been writing ever since. With only two Tinder matches after months of swiping, he currently lives alone and miserable, with his teacup pig, Cerberus.
The Palestinian Authority has pledged that if Donald Trump releases the 200 million dollars in foreign aid approved by Former President Obama, they will immediately retransfer it back into the US Environmental Protection Agency. Citing the President’s recent measures to curb all new grants going to the EPA, PA spokesman Mahmoud Al-Tabarani has cited the “desperate need” to continue to...
Local Saudi software engineer, Ibrahim Awad, had a good chuckle to himself on his daily commute after remembering women can’t drive in Saudi Arabia. After a slow-driving white sedan swerved into his lane without signaling, Awad cursed out the driver and quickly assumed, “it’s gotta be a woman”. However, after feeling guilty, Awad berated himself for being so close-minded but...
An Israeli Bio-Tech startup announced today that is preparing an anti-horn cream specifically for Jews, which will hit the market just before Hanukkah. The cream will revolutionize the way Jews deal with controlling their horns. For centuries, Jews have been filing them down nightly, a task that could add twenty minutes to one’s bedtime routine. However, the new cream works...
Following a Mossad revelation that an employee of international aid group World Vision diverted millions of donated dollars to Hamas, the charity has admitted that while true, the money was only used by Hamas for infrastructure and scientific research programs. A spokesman for the organization cited dozens of Hamas tunnels in the Gaza strip as “clear evidence” that Hamas was using funds...
Following a crushing moment of introspection about his own speech style, President Obama has promised to cut back on the word “folks” during his final year in office. In a statement to The Mideast Beast he said, “I’m not from the south. I lived in Hawaii and I went to school on the East Coast. I don’t know exactly when I...
High-ranking Iranian officials woke up late yesterday morning in a drunken haze, only to suddenly remember with horror that the previous night had been spent blowing their recently acquired fortune, $150 billion, which had been unfrozen following the lifting of sanctions. According to a special report, the night had started out casually, with a small pregame at a local bar. At...
Mahmoud Al-Tabi, a commander in the armed wing of Hamas, has promised child laborers that their dig to China will ultimately bear fruit. “Don’t worry” he said at a ceremony commemorating the 2014 war with Israel. “We’ve had minor setbacks, but if we push through, we’ll definitely reach Isra, I mean, China very soon. Now, Who wants ice cream?” Dozens of...
Lebanese authorities have released a captured vulture that they accused of spying for Israel, after discovering that the bird held deeply anti Semitic and anti-zionist views. According to reports, following its initial detainment, the vulture went on an extended, garbled rant about the Elders of Zion, the occupation, and the Zionist-Jew-controlled media. Some authorities described the bird as “showing clear...
Responding to the seemingly endless spate of stabbing attacks carried out by Palestinians in recent months, an Israeli man is pondering when exactly – or even if – the pool of knife-wielding perpetrators will dry up. “They’re really going at this stabbing thing hard,” 45-year-old Yaakov Kahanavitz, a settler from the northern West Bank, told the Mideast Beast. “Like, A...
After being killed in an apparent Israeli airstrike and his subsequent ascension to terrorist heaven, Hezbollah’s Sami Kuntar has been banned from sitting at Osama bin Laden’s exclusive lunch table, divine sources have revealed. Typically, all high profile anti-Western terrorists are permitted to sit at the table, located near the emergency exit of Islamist paradise’s halal food court. As such,...
After Italian company Eni Announced that it had discovered one of the largest natural gas fields in the world off the coast of Egypt, analysts have been keen to point out that yes, there is in fact more fucking much-needed natural gas in the Middle East, possibly 30 trillion cubic feet of more fucking gas. “It’s not enough that like,...
According to some report, Syrian President, Bashar Al-Assad spent twenty minutes on Sunday staring at his bathroom mirror, trying to remember what his mustache reminded him of. After squinting really hard, he was quoted as saying “Holy fuck!” “Asma, get in here! I look like Hitler. Look, I Fucking look like Hitler. Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I’ve been on...
Calling for a de-escalation of violence following a recent wave of terror that has erupted in Israel and the West Bank, Israel and Hamas have jointly described the current situation as “senseless,” and “stupid now that the weather is so pleasant.” Hamas spokesman Ahmed al-Tabi told The Mideast Beast, “war makes sense in the summer because it’s hot as balls,...
Following the establishment of a Russian Air Base in Latakia and the presence of Russian Ground troops on the front lines in the Syrian Civil War, Syria’s newest and largest import is now vodka. “They just drink all the goddam time,” complained Mahmud Abu-Arak, the Assad regime’s Minister of Commerce. “I mean, thanks for the help guys, but it won’t...
Calling the stampede that killed nearly 800 people (and rising) in Mecca during the annual Hajj “a miracle in modern warfare tactics,” members of the Israel Defense Force’s top brass have lauded the revolutionary approach to killing large numbers of “certain people we deem to be problematic.” IDF Lt Col Yosef Bidon told The Mideast Beast that a stampede would...
An IDF official admitted Wednesday that “Frankly, we’re kind of psyched just by the prospect we might one day fight ISIS.” Calling groups like Hamas and Hezbollah “so 2012,” the official stated that a fight with ISIS is just what Israel was looking for as a way to boost Israel’s image at home and abroad. “Look, everybody hates them. No...
In an about-face by Israeli policy makers following their antagonism towards the deal between the United States and Iran, Farsi will now replace Hebrew and Arabic as the official Israeli national language. English will remain an unofficial language, though. In a statement to the press, an Israeli government spokesperson said, “we’ve decided to embrace the Iran deal, rather than fight...
According to various news reports, The Islamic State has filed a massive lawsuit with the International Criminal Court against ISUS, or the “Islamic State Universal Sales Corp” over alleged counterfeiting and copyright infringement breaches. Calling itself “a cost-effective brand” that offers “Quality Jihad,” ISUS emerged soon after the founding of the original, when potential recruits complained about the high cost...
After the killing of Palestinian child Ali Dawabsha by Israeli settlers, Israel has promised that when caught, the assailants will be subject to a community service regime unheard of in previous cases of settler violence. “Terrorism is terrorism,” said a statement released by the Justice Ministry. “We will set a precedent to show that behavior like this is absolutely unacceptable....
Following the stabbings of homosexuals in Jerusalem by an ultra-orthodox Jew yesterday, and admitting that he’s “not entirely sure how I let that one slip in there,” God has made an executive decision to quietly remove verse 25:17 from Leviticus, which states “Thou shalt mercilessly stab homosexuals at their parades. Do it twice if you have to.” God quickly removed...
