Gunther Colt

Gunther Colt is an American author and investigative journalist who writes about issues related to the Middle East, Near East, Far East, and the is-it-possible-we’re-eurocentric-east. A direct descendant of the first colonists at Roanoke, Colt was born and raised in Mississippi on his family farm, CandieLand. After earning his B.S. in equestrian studies from the University of Edoras, Colt backpacked around the world. It was on this trip Colt first visited Israel, which he at first hated after paying four dollars for a watered down shot of Arak. However, he was soon struck by the vibrancy of the people and culture, and ultimately, by a stray tear gas canister. He has been writing ever since. With only two Tinder matches after months of swiping, he currently lives alone and miserable, with his teacup pig, Cerberus.

 

God Quietly Removes “Thou Shalt Mercilessly Stab Homosexuals at Their Parades” Verse From Leviticus
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God Quietly Removes “Thou Shalt Mercilessly Stab Homosexuals at Their Parades” Verse From Leviticus

Following the stabbings of homosexuals in Jerusalem by an ultra-orthodox Jew yesterday, and admitting that he’s “not entirely sure how I let that one slip in there,” God has made an executive decision to quietly remove verse 25:17 from Leviticus, which states “Thou shalt mercilessly stab homosexuals at their parades. Do it twice if you have to.” God quickly removed...

IDF, Planned Parenthood Harvest Organs from Palestinian Babies
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IDF, Planned Parenthood Harvest Organs from Palestinian Babies

After reports emerged of Planned Parenthood selling the body parts of fetuses for profit, new evidence has surfaced of cooperation between the IDF and Planned Parenthood to harvest organs from Palestinian babies. According to classified documents obtained by The Mideast Beast, contact between the two organizations began during Operation ‘Cast Lead’, when Planned Parenthood noticed the opportunity for a huge profit from the...

“Accountant of Auschwitz” is Surprisingly Not Jewish
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“Accountant of Auschwitz” is Surprisingly Not Jewish

After  Oskar Groening was convicted of being an accessory to the murder to hundreds of thousands of people in Auschwitz concentration camp sources were surprised to learn that Groening, dubbed “the Accountant of Auschwitz” was not in fact Jewish. “It’s not like an anti-semitic thing or anything…just you know…an accountant? How goddamned Jewish is that? It would be like the “Rabbi of Auschwitz” was a...

Israel to construct Water Salinization Plant for Gaza Residents
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Israel to construct Water Salinization Plant for Gaza Residents

The Israeli government will begin construction on a “water salinization plant” in Gaza next year in order to “aid Palestinians, who we definitely aid. Like a lot.” The plant will take what remains of Gaza’s clean sources of groundwater and add salt in order to make the water undrinkable. According to water engineers, the plant will use a revolutionary technology...

Cofix to Offer Five Shekel ‘Old Fashioned’

Cofix to Offer Five Shekel ‘Old Fashioned’

After the excitement following the announcement by Cofix that the startup company will open five Shekel grocery stores, Coffix has promised the opening of a five shekel ‘Old Fashioned’ chain. The chain, to be called Cofucks, will begin with a pilot store in Tel Aviv, expand into Jerusalem, cause a series of ultra-orthodox Jewish riots, and end up exclusively in Tel Aviv....

Gazan toddler organizes protest-flotilla against bath-time
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Gazan toddler organizes protest-flotilla against bath-time

In the wake of the most recent flotilla headed for Gaza, a local toddler has launched a flotilla against bath time, causing a lot of stress for his mother. The mother reportedly filled up a plastic baby tub, all the while complaining about how “he used to love baths.” As the toddler was pushed into the tub, he organized his...

Assad Blows up Palmyra Just to Fuck with ISIS
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Assad Blows up Palmyra Just to Fuck with ISIS

After ISIS was reported to have laid mines in the ancient city of Palmyra, Syrian warplanes were reported to have bombed the ruins just to make ISIS look bad. In a secret order obtained by the Israeli Daily, Syrian general Bar-al Bahmmz instructed pilots to “Attack, Attack now. It will look like ISIS blew it up because they just laid...

Dead Sea Monster Cowering in Last Remaining Pool of Water

Dead Sea Monster Cowering in Last Remaining Pool of Water

After a long anticipated wait, the Dead Sea has finally evaporated Tuesday. All but one remaining pool of water has disappeared, leaving a scared and helpless “Nessiestein” cowering in fear. Nessiestein, the Dead Sea monster, is a distant relative of the more famous Nessie of Loch Ness, and has inhabited the Dead Sea region for Millennia. However, prospects for Nessiestein’s...

Sauron Relinquishes “The One Ring” to ISIS
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Sauron Relinquishes “The One Ring” to ISIS

Sauron, Ruler of Mordor and oppressor of the free peoples of Middle Earth has relinquished ‘The One Ring’ to ISIS this past week “because let’s be honest, they are doing a much better job than I am.” While Sauron has done little to further his goals of irrevocable hatred and genocidal totalitarianism, ISIS has excelled in reaching both those goals....

Israel Changes Stance From “Nuclear Ambiguity” to “Just Don’t Tell America”
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Israel Changes Stance From “Nuclear Ambiguity” to “Just Don’t Tell America”

The Israeli government has long pursued a stance of “nuclear ambiguity,” neither denying nor admitting to possessing stocks of nuclear weapons. However, recently the government has pretty much stopped caring, and is only not telling America about the weapons. According to the transcript of a conversation obtained by The Israeli Daily, India asked Israel:   “Soooo, do you guys really...

Returning American Tourist Readies For Daring Operation To Smuggle Israeli Orange Past Airport Customs
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Returning American Tourist Readies For Daring Operation To Smuggle Israeli Orange Past Airport Customs

Reports have been received by The Mideast Beast that an American tourist returning from Israel was preparing to carry out a covert operation to sneak an orange he purchased in a Jerusalem outdoor market past JFK International customs. Bringing in foreign produce is strictly illegal, and based on the scouring faces of homeland security agents, assumed to be punishable by death....

The Mideast Beast’s Guide to Buying and Cleaning Shuk-Bought Veggies

The Mideast Beast’s Guide to Buying and Cleaning Shuk-Bought Veggies

Selecting and cleaning fruits and veggies from one of Israel’s many colorful Shuks (a Middle Eastern outdoor market) can be confusing and stressful. The Mideast Beast has compiled these steps to making sure you’re spending right and keeping your family healthy! Step One: When you first enter the Shuk, be sure to scout out all the stalls before choosing which to...

After Barely Surviving Latest Assassination, Hamas Leader Now Just an Eyeball

After Barely Surviving Latest Assassination, Hamas Leader Now Just an Eyeball

After reports came out that the head of Hamas’ military wing, Mohammed Deif, was still alive and active after a fifth assassination attempt, it was confirmed, that no longer able to take physical form, Deif is now just a large fiery eye ball that sits atop a residential building in Gaza. The Hamas military wing commander was previously confined to...

Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?
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Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?

In the now-iconic words of C+C Music Factory, “Things to make you go hmmm”. Part one in an ongoing series. Recently, people have begun wondering where ISIS is buying all those orange jumpsuits. Like, they’ve got to come from somewhere right? Someone is making these things and selling them to ISIS,with full knowledge about what they’re being used for. They couldn’t not...