Gary Girth

Gary Girth was born in Louisville, Kentucky to the wealthy and infamous Girth family, widely suspected of starting the Great Louisville Mill Fire of 1911. After a tumultuous two-year stint at Harvard, studying pre-law and falconry, he set out unexpectedly across Europe with nothing more than the clothes on his back, a vial of LSD and a limitless credit card. Drawing his inspiration from Ernest Hemmingway, the idyllic European countryside and the potent Swiss psychedelic, he discovered he had a knack for writing and adventure.

While gambling in Turkey, he was nearly murdered by a Hungarian crime syndicate. Miraculously, he managed to escape from Turkey, chronicled in his memoir Escape from Turkey. His travels then took him to Israel, where he, like so many gentiles before him, became embroiled in geopolitics. Shortly thereafter, he began writing for The Mideast Beast. When not writing and adventuring, he spends his time wrestling coyotes, chopping wood and drinking absinthe at his remote Montana estate.

 

US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan
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US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan

Despite promising to withdraw the majority of the troops stationed in Afghanistan at varying points during his presidency, Trump has ordered thousands of troops to remain in the country, due to increased Taliban presence.  While this decision may have had more detractors a few months ago, everyone suddenly seems very supportive of the decision. Most of the troops that The...

Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”
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Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”

While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A chief IAEA nuclear inspector described...

ISIS Storms US Restaurants Demanding Diners Say “Death to America”
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ISIS Storms US Restaurants Demanding Diners Say “Death to America”

Though ISIS has never been linked to a violent attack in the United States, “mostly peaceful” ISIS affiliates have begun demonstrating in cities across the US, including Seattle and Portland, where law enforcement officials have agreed to stand down.  Their demands are clear and their strategy effective.  Masked protestors dressed in black have been rushing into restaurants en masse to...

House Dems Force AG Barr to Swear on Copy of “White Fragility”
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House Dems Force AG Barr to Swear on Copy of “White Fragility”

While swearing in before a testimony has traditionally been done on a copy of the Old or New Testament in the United States, there is no law that requires it. Last week, during the House Judiciary Committee hearing, Democrats insisted Attorney General William Barr swear in on a copy of Robin DiAngelo’s bestselling self-help book, White Fragility. Radical young Congresswoman,...

Responding to Omar’s Request for Federal Aid, Trump Offers Support of the IDF

Responding to Omar’s Request for Federal Aid, Trump Offers Support of the IDF

Last week, US Representative from Minnesota, Ilhan Omar, famous for her anti-Israel position and her weird obsession with someone named Benjamin and everything being about him, shocked the nation when she requested federal aid to deal with the damage and surging violence caused by the protests in Minneapolis. Though he had previously stated that no blue states were going to...

CDC Warns Sense of Self-Awareness Short-Lived During Pandemic

CDC Warns Sense of Self-Awareness Short-Lived During Pandemic

In spite of many optimists’ predictions that we will all come out of the pandemic permanently wiser and more cognizant of our actions, scientists working with the World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control warn that such an immunity may be short-lived.  In some cases, they said, the sense of self-awareness lasted only minutes. Take one Rhonda Collingsford...

Shocking Bolton Exposé Reveals Iraq War was Secretly About Oil
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Shocking Bolton Exposé Reveals Iraq War was Secretly About Oil

In his new tell-all, The Room Where It Happened, former National Security Advisor John Bolton makes an array of shocking allegations, with information coming from inside the walls of the Trump White House. What has gone uncovered by conventional media, however, is the previously undisclosed assertion that the 2003 invasion of Iraq was, at least on some level, about access...

Erdogan and Putin Officially Invite Trump to Join Axis of Evil
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Erdogan and Putin Officially Invite Trump to Join Axis of Evil

Democratic leaders and activists around the world have been quick to condemn President Trump’s advocation of extreme force to quell domestic protests regarding the murder of George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis policemen.  Not everyone agrees that Trump is in the wrong, with some world leaders even praising his decisive authoritarianism.  Two rock stars of the dictatorial world even...

Khamenei Condemns Trump’s Human Rights Violations “Just to See How He Likes It!”
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Khamenei Condemns Trump’s Human Rights Violations “Just to See How He Likes It!”

In a move that could be attributed to humanitarianism, but most likely stems from a ‘how’s it feel, asshole?!’ level of spite, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei of Iran has issued a statement condemning President Trump’s use of excessive force to quash peaceful protestors. “I just can’t believe,” he began condescendingly, “That in this day and age, a so-called democratic leader would...

President Trump to Posthumously Pardon Osama Bin Laden

President Trump to Posthumously Pardon Osama Bin Laden

Despite the COVID-19 pandemic raging on, president Trump has still found the time to pursue his longtime rivalry with former president Barack Obama.  This morning he announced that he would be posthumously pardoning the Saudi terrorist leader, Osama Bin Laden, made famous by masterminding the September 11, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. One of the...

AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat
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AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat

On Tuesday, US Attorney General and loyal Trump affiliate, William Barr made the shocking announcement that he would not be seeking charges against the bat who allegedly spawned the virus that caused the COVID-19 pandemic. The bat, who did not respond for our request to be interviewed, has previously plead guilty to infecting multiple patients in Wuhan China, the event...

Uptick in UFO Sightings and Cannabis Consumption as COVID-19 Quarantine Continues

Uptick in UFO Sightings and Cannabis Consumption as COVID-19 Quarantine Continues

The Great Coronavirus Quarantine of 2020 has had a variety of side effects. Some have been negative, which was to be expected. For example, a rise in unemployment and domestic violence. Others have been positive, like the massive reduction in carbon emissions and increased sales and consumption of medical cannabis. Since the mandatory lockdown began in countries around the world,...

Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble”
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Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble”

As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic, the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.”  Experts say...

Trump Rolls Out New Travel Ban For all Viruses, “Not Just the Chinese Ones”

Trump Rolls Out New Travel Ban For all Viruses, “Not Just the Chinese Ones”

While most agree that the Coronavirus pandemic is a serious threat, the way to best respond is under some dispute.  Many on the political left have criticized President Trump for what they see as a xenophobic response, as he has repeatedly referred to COVID-19 as the “China Virus.” Yesterday, he ramped up rhetoric even more, barring all foreign viruses from...

UN Condemns Iran Missile Tests: “Didn’t Disinfect them First”
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UN Condemns Iran Missile Tests: “Didn’t Disinfect them First”

On Tuesday, Iran launched two more test missiles capable of delivering a nuclear payload.  During a time when most of the world’s attention is focused on the COVID-19 pandemic, many have ignored Iran’s rapidly escalating rhetoric. Israel called upon the UN to condemn the missile tests, which they did because they failed to properly disinfect the missiles before launching them. ...