Gary Girth

Gary Girth was born in Louisville, Kentucky to the wealthy and infamous Girth family, widely suspected of starting the Great Louisville Mill Fire of 1911. After a tumultuous two-year stint at Harvard, studying pre-law and falconry, he set out unexpectedly across Europe with nothing more than the clothes on his back, a vial of LSD and a limitless credit card. Drawing his inspiration from Ernest Hemmingway, the idyllic European countryside and the potent Swiss psychedelic, he discovered he had a knack for writing and adventure.

While gambling in Turkey, he was nearly murdered by a Hungarian crime syndicate. Miraculously, he managed to escape from Turkey, chronicled in his memoir Escape from Turkey. His travels then took him to Israel, where he, like so many gentiles before him, became embroiled in geopolitics. Shortly thereafter, he began writing for The Mideast Beast. When not writing and adventuring, he spends his time wrestling coyotes, chopping wood and drinking absinthe at his remote Montana estate.

 

Amid Kavanaugh Hearings, Trump Suggests Appointing Darth Vader

Amid Kavanaugh Hearings, Trump Suggests Appointing Darth Vader

After more women have come forth with allegations of sexual assault and misconduct against Brett Kavanaugh, Trump has doubled down, defending him. On Wednesday, he issued this statement to a baffled room full of reporters. “Sure, maybe he did some bad stuff, in the past, you know? Democrats are ridiculous. I could nominate somebody like Anakin Skywalker and they still wouldn’t vote for him. Anakin? Did he do bad things? I feel like he did some bad things?” This has...

Jeff Sessions on Border “Concentration” Camps: “More Like a Dog Pound for Kids.”

Jeff Sessions on Border “Concentration” Camps: “More Like a Dog Pound for Kids.”

The Trump administration is under fire again, regarding the conditions of migrant children being held in camps along the border.  Amnesty International and the UN have already condemned the United States; however , the UN has not yet found a way to blame the camps on Israel, but they have a commission tirelessly at work. Many have decried the practice of separating young children from their parents indefinitely until the time of trial.  For many, this is reminiscent of Nazi...

Assad, Putin and Khamenei to Form Hard Rock Supergroup: ‘New Axis of Evil’

Assad, Putin and Khamenei to Form Hard Rock Supergroup: ‘New Axis of Evil’

The apparent alliance between Iran, Syria and Russia culminated Friday with the release of a self-titled album ‘New Axis of Evil.’  It features Putin on lead guitar and vocals, Khamenei on bass and backup vocals, and Assad on drums. Khamenei’s ‘Sanction City’ is a bluesy number, with a lot of passion behind it, but it is Putin’s hard rock cover of Shaggy’s hit ‘It Wasn’t Me’ that has caused the most stir. However, true fans are most excited by the bonus...

Trump on Gaza Border Killings: “We Could’ve Killed Twice That Many in Half the Time.”

Trump on Gaza Border Killings: “We Could’ve Killed Twice That Many in Half the Time.”

While many world leaders have been quick to condemn the killing of nearly 60 Palestinian protestors at the Gaza border, President Donald Trump has not only defended the action but has even gone so far as to say it was insufficient. Late Tuesday evening he tweeted, “If anything, Israel has been too soft on the Palestinians. We could’ve killed twice that many, in half the time. Sad!” The following morning, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the president’s...

New U.S. Travel Ban Specifically Targets “Shithole Countries”

New U.S. Travel Ban Specifically Targets “Shithole Countries”

With the so-called ‘Muslim Ban’ being broadly challenged by Federal Courts, President Trump has been busy drafting a new travel ban, barring all people who originate from ‘shithole countries.’ What this means, specifically is not exactly clear. When asked in a press conference about which countries will be targeted he responded, “You know, like Paris, or like France or whatever…they can come, but they gotta take a shower first.” TMB asked which Middle Eastern nations would be affected by the...

Yair Netanyahu to Run for US Senate as Republican

Yair Netanyahu to Run for US Senate as Republican

Following the release of the controversial recordings of Yair Netanyahu boasting of his sexual exploits, as well as his father’s role in orchestrating shady deals with high-profile billionaire Kobi Maimon, Yair Netanyahu has gained support from the traditionally pro-Netanyahu GOP. The President himself even commented, saying that he saw a lot of himself in that very smart and humble young man. Critics within the Republican party say that the recordings, though indicative of the character of the party is not quite...

Trump ‘Playground-Tweets’ Iran

Trump ‘Playground-Tweets’ Iran

As Iranian protests have intensified, President Donald Trump has been increasingly vocal in support of them, even taking personal shots at Iranian President Hassan Rouhani. On Saturday, he tweeted, “It’s a wonderful thing when university students in other countries protest bad leaders. This Rouhani guy’s obviously not a genius or even like very smart. Sad!” Apparently not satisfied with this jab, an hour later, he tweeted again, “I bet his approval ratings aren’t great like mine. Oh, and I heard...

GOP Decides Prayer Now Officially Tax Deductible

GOP Decides Prayer Now Officially Tax Deductible

Following the success of Israeli Agriculture Minister, Uri Ariel’s campaign to pray away the drought that has affected the region for years, several key GOP leaders have inserted a provision into the new United States Tax Plan to allow tax deductions for prayer. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan commented, “We used to allow deductions for silly things like installing solar panels and investing in proper insulation and water conservation. None of which gets a mention in either Testament. Now...

Mike Pence to Postpone Middle East Trip: “Things Are Getting a Little Too Liberal Over There.”

Mike Pence to Postpone Middle East Trip: “Things Are Getting a Little Too Liberal Over There.”

Vice President Mike Pence has postponed his Middle East tour scheduled for next week. He first cited the GOP Tax Plan as the reason for the delay but later admitted that it was his unhappiness with what he sees as an increasingly ungodly tinge to the region. “Things are just getting a little too liberal over there.” he acknowledged in a TMB interview. “I mean, I’m as progressive as the next guy, but they’ve got women driving cars in Saudi...

ISIS Leader Resigns Amid Allegations of Respecting Women

ISIS Leader Resigns Amid Allegations of Respecting Women

ISIS was dealt a crippling political blow on Tuesday when its senior leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, resigned amid numerous allegations of respectful treatment of women. One accuser even described him allowing a female hostage to drive a motor vehicle. Another claimed he was known to not only ask, but to wait for consent before engaging in sexual acts. ISIS issued a rare public comment, saying, “We have a clear moral stance against the fair and dignified treatment of women, and...