In shocking news, it’s been uncovered this week that in order to study Cannabis legalisation the FDA launched a program closely monitoring the mental faculties of one particularly voracious user: Seth Rogen. The program was top secret, but after Rogen spoke out against the need for a Jewish homeland – while conveniently ignoring that most Israelis descend from refugees –...
People around the world found reason to rejoice this week after discovering that the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict has finally been solved. In what’s being labelled a, “like react for world peace”, the decades long struggle for regional calm was finally resolved once and for all by a collegiate Students for Justice in Palestine Instagram post. The post was similar to all...
Defending the use of water cannons against – apart from one or two assholes – peaceful protestors in Jerusalem this weekend, Netanyahu argued that, just like Moses, he was simply imposing his use of water to drown his enemies. “I live my life according to scripture” said Bibi at a press conference. “And in this instance God was clearly telling...
After weeks of replacing the 2020 Olympic gymnastics with the mental gymnastics of calling Israelis ‘genocidal’ while ignoring a very real genocide of Muslims in China, the Arab League released a statement in favor of their current relationship with China, stating: “Contrary to popular belief there is no ‘We’ in Uighur.” In their much-anticipated statement, the Arab League made it...
Iranians are reporting feelings of despondency this week after decades of ‘Death to America’ chants are manifesting in American citizens’ phenomenally stupid COVID responses. The country, best known for its exports of rugs, caviar, the odd terror attack, and anti-Americanism, is now experiencing a general malaise, as although America is finally on the brink of death, it’s far less dramatic...
NFL wide receiver DeSean Jackson tweeted a series of blatantly anti-Semitic remarks last week garnering condemnation across the political spectrum, except from the President of the United States who immediately granted Jackson with an honorary degree from his defunct university. Honorary degrees are often granted to celebrities who display the values that a university wishes to pass onto its students,...
Stemming from civil unrest, riots, indiscriminate police brutality against human throats, and an unclear hostility towards face masks, the United States has been chosen by Iraq as their next reform target because clearly, they can’t govern themselves. After receiving their own democratic makeover from the altruistic Bush administration, the Iraqi government realized it’s only right for them to repay the...
This week the CEO of the only globalist organization Trump hasn’t pulled out of, Disney World, reopened its parks during a surge of infections. Similarly controversially, Turkish President Erdogan decided to revert the Hagia Sophia into a mosque because, as it turns out, a pandemic is boring without a backdrop of sectarian violence. However, both leaders quickly realized that these...
Many people have questioned Prime Minister Netanyahu’s claims that the Israeli security community supports his annexation plan, mainly due to the fact that several security experts say they don’t. After weeks of back and forth, these differing viewpoints led Netanyahu to finally admit that, yes 100% of security chiefs support him, he just hasn’t hired them yet. “It’s only a...
In a bid to protect his wax figure at Madame Tussauds, President Trump recently signed an executive order protecting confederate monuments. This order decreed that although these statues remind many of a reign of terror and bloodshed against their families, the statues are necessary reminders of historical truths. Real Americans, Trump says, do not topple intimate objects, which is why...
The latest public reckoning around racist, or as academia calls them “controversial,” figures befell Princeton University this weekend as activists pushed for the removal of Woodrow Wilson’s name from the School of International Affairs. In a surprise move the administration agreed with the students, stating that the name “International Affairs” is outdated and should be replaced with something more representative...
In a troubling week for members of the so-called ‘Islamic State’ – or whatever they call that last remaining mound of Syrian sand – the number of deaths from COVID-19 across the United States surpassed their wildest expectations of impact from any act of terror. Facing the reality that a disease was more effective than Jihad has created severe depression...
For years Yemen has been experiencing the (currently) worst humanitarian crisis of the 21st century, a country throat punched by war, famine, and pestilence, and much like Ivanka trying to mingle, they too are consistently ignored by global leaders. However, Yemeni diplomats felt a flicker of hope this week after watching Trump’s disastrous attempt at a campaign-relaunch rally over the...
Stemming from weeks of Black Lives Matter protests, the UK and the European Union announced that racism has no home within their borders, which is why they leave asylum seekers to die right outside of them. As opposed to the United States, Europe has always had a stellar record of keeping racism out, mainly by only enslaving people in colonies...
According to people close to The Caliphate’s Costume Co-ordinator, Muhammad bin Muhammad, he spent the night self-flagellating over his vision board. He was repenting for failing creatively with the Caliphate’s signature look after seeing homegrown terror groups in the United States diverging from the traditional all-black look in favour of a more colourful ‘70s Hawaiian shirt vibe. Bin Muhammad is...
Central London saw violence this week as members of neo-Nazi groups such as Britain First accidentally gathered to defend Britain’s most famous non-Nazi, Winston Churchill. Despite the angry bald men claiming to be defending Churchill’s legacy, they clearly misunderstood what that legacy entailed exactly, as they threw up Nazi salutes while facing down the police. “I get that people are...
The rapper and movie star Ice Cube cultivated notoriety this week after sharing a series of anti-Semitic memes on twitter, not to mention a scathing and detailed report on his “long, disturbing history of anti-Semitism. Although these sorts of actions usually result in a Twitter ban, or even job loss, mere seconds after tweeting the images Ice Cube received a...
This week Israel’s High Court declared annexation of the West Bank as ‘Unconstitutional’, potentially putting a stopper in Netanyahu’s despotic pursuits. However, never one to be deterred by minor rules, such as international law, the Prime Minister took a bold stance against the ruling, claiming that annexation is not “illegal”, it’s merely “socially distant from the law”. Much like his...
In a rare public statement this week Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad blasted Putin ally Donald Trump for only using tear gas on his protesting citizens. Although most leaders remained hesitant to criticize the “most powerful man in the free world,” for fear of international backlash, Assad took a bold stance against the US President and his use of force, specifically...
After three years of promising “the deal of the century”, Trump has revealed that his plan for Middle East peace centers around turning The Dome of the Rock shrine into a Trump Hotel. The President made it clear during negotiations last week that it is not worth lifting a city out of centuries of conflict if he can’t profit from...
