Chrysanthemum Bloom

 

Mossad: What Do You Mean “Reintroduction of” Track and Trace Apps?

Mossad: What Do You Mean “Reintroduction of” Track and Trace Apps?

Following other governments’ most recent reintroduction of coronavirus “track and trace” apps due to the onslaught of the Delta variant, Mossad announced this week that they’re sincerely confused by the term “reintroduction”, as they’ve been tracking citizens’ movements for years, for both national security and those ‘just in case’ scenarios. In a testament to the superiority of Israeli intelligence, Mossad...

Jerusalem Files for Parental Emancipation

Jerusalem Files for Parental Emancipation

In a busy week for Middle Eastern family courts the city of Jerusalem has called for emancipation from its parents, Judaism and Islam, as well as from its weird uncle, Evangelicalism. After years of trying to negotiate peace between its parents, including a difficult period when it was passed into foster homes run by the Ottomans and the British, Jerusalem...

Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It
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Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It

Israel’s High Court has declared annexation of the West Bank as ‘unconstitutional’, thus potentially putting a stopper in Netanyahu’s despotic pursuits. However, never one to be deterred by minor rules, such as international law, the Prime Minister took a bold stance against the ruling, claiming that annexation is not “illegal”, it’s merely “socially distant from the law”. Much like his...

Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home
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Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home

Following in the footsteps of boutique gyms like Barry’s Bootcamp and SoulCycle who are charging upwards of $30 for daily at-home workouts, Hamas has created its own series of Zoom classes for followers who want to exercise hate from the comfort of their living rooms. Although nothing can truly compare to the in-person experience of building fire-and-forget rockets with your...

Study Finds 80% of Jewish Seders Skipped Over the Plagues This Passover

Study Finds 80% of Jewish Seders Skipped Over the Plagues This Passover

A study released this week from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem found that 80% of Jewish families chose to skip the plague section of the Passover Seder this year due to “plague overkill”. Despite the listing of the Ten Plagues being one of the most important parts of the Passover Seder ritual, the study found that eight out of ten...

Tucker Carlson: Wuhan Lab Bullied Me in High School

Tucker Carlson: Wuhan Lab Bullied Me in High School

Fox commentator Tucker Carlson has once again doubled down on his accusations of the Chinese government’s alleged role in releasing the coronavirus by accusing the Wuhan Institute of Virology, also known as ‘that Wuhan lab’, of bullying him in High School. According to the conservative political commentator, not only did scientists from Wuhan develop SARS-CoV-2, which causes the disease Covid-19,...

US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them
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US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them

The United States has long been known for its hardline stance on not (often) negotiating with terrorists. Or, at least it was, until recently when the US Senate adopted the McConnell Doctrine of overtly negotiating with terrorists if they look like you. After the US Capitol Building was attacked just two months ago by an armed mob swearing to overthrow...

ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future

ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future

Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing for all jihadis by February in order to bring terror to people face-to-face again, the organization has had to halt their plans citing the plethora of...

Trump Demands to see Jesus’ Birth Certificate
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Trump Demands to see Jesus’ Birth Certificate

As Christians around the world celebrated the miraculous birth of the Messiah, one brave outlier remained skeptical of his origin story. Although Trump insists that the Bible is his favorite book, he refused to cow to Big Church’s insistence tweeting, “No, Jesus wasn’t born in a stable in Jewdea (sic), I demand to see his birth certificate”. “Everybody’s thinking about...

FiveThirtyEight Regrets Discounting Taliban Endorsement

FiveThirtyEight Regrets Discounting Taliban Endorsement

After a tense night of getting the polls disastrously wrong yet again, Nate Silver has publicly apologized for failing to count the Taliban’s endorsement of Donald Trump as politically significant. Although the political elites smugly dismissed the Taliban’s statement in support of a second Trump presidential term, they clearly had a strong effect on voter turnout yesterday, as no other...

Netflix Announces House of Saud Spin-Off of The Crown
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Netflix Announces House of Saud Spin-Off of The Crown

After receiving reviews that their depiction of the British royal family is “somewhat tedious and dull,” the team behind The Crown announced a new spinoff version of the show following the exploits of the House of Saud. This version is sure to have far fewer boring political scenes, as the royal leaders only turn to two sources for advice: themselves...

Trump Offers to Rebuild Beirut’s Port as a Casino

Trump Offers to Rebuild Beirut’s Port as a Casino

After over a month of silence from the White House around the tragic explosion in Beirut, the President finally spoke up about his generous plans to help the city rebuild, announcing that what the city really needs, in what used to be its port, is a giant casino. Sources close to the President reported that he stayed quiet about the...

Assad Considering a Return to Ophthalmology
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Assad Considering a Return to Ophthalmology

After a week of introspection, Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad has announced that despite the genuine criminal effort he put into clinging to power, he’s experiencing career burnout and will be returning to his ophthalmic practice in London by the end of this year. During the press conference the dictator stated that although he loves his country, he’s been fighting off...

Deal to Turn Dome of the Rock Into Trump Hotel Falls Through

Deal to Turn Dome of the Rock Into Trump Hotel Falls Through

JERUSALEM — After three years of promising “the Deal of the Century”, Trump has revealed that his plan for Middle East peace centers around turning The Dome of the Rock shrine into a Trump Hotel. The President made it clear during negotiations last week that it is not worth lifting a city out of a protracted conflict if he can’t...

Trump’s anti-Semitic Comments in Fox News Interview Wins Crufts Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle”
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Trump’s anti-Semitic Comments in Fox News Interview Wins Crufts Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle”

Trump went on Fox News this week to say that dark shadowy people are controlling Joe Biden and the election, which not only solidified his voting base of elderly Germans hiding out in Argentina, but also awarded him the Crufts International Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle.” Although this award usually goes to physical whistles for attracting dogs, Crufts adjudicators...