Following other governments’ most recent reintroduction of coronavirus “track and trace” apps due to the onslaught of the Delta variant, Mossad announced this week that they’re sincerely confused by the term “reintroduction”, as they’ve been tracking citizens’ movements for years, for both national security and those ‘just in case’ scenarios. In a testament to the superiority of Israeli intelligence, Mossad...
In a busy week for Middle Eastern family courts the city of Jerusalem has called for emancipation from its parents, Judaism and Islam, as well as from its weird uncle, Evangelicalism. After years of trying to negotiate peace between its parents, including a difficult period when it was passed into foster homes run by the Ottomans and the British, Jerusalem...
In a shocking defense tactic for the Jewish extremist group, Lehava, who stormed Palestinian neighborhoods in East Jerusalem last weekend, the leaders of the attacks are claiming that contrary to popular belief they were not shouting “Death to Arabs,” but in fact were shouting “Death to Ahab,” after reading Moby Dick and watching the hit Netflix Documentary Seaspiracy in one...
Israel’s High Court has declared annexation of the West Bank as ‘unconstitutional’, thus potentially putting a stopper in Netanyahu’s despotic pursuits. However, never one to be deterred by minor rules, such as international law, the Prime Minister took a bold stance against the ruling, claiming that annexation is not “illegal”, it’s merely “socially distant from the law”. Much like his...
Following in the footsteps of boutique gyms like Barry’s Bootcamp and SoulCycle who are charging upwards of $30 for daily at-home workouts, Hamas has created its own series of Zoom classes for followers who want to exercise hate from the comfort of their living rooms. Although nothing can truly compare to the in-person experience of building fire-and-forget rockets with your...
A study released this week from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem found that 80% of Jewish families chose to skip the plague section of the Passover Seder this year due to “plague overkill”. Despite the listing of the Ten Plagues being one of the most important parts of the Passover Seder ritual, the study found that eight out of ten...
This weekend Bill de Blasio managed to outdo himself by pre-arresting the entire Jewish Community of New York after finding out that they were all planning on inviting the same guest over for Passover. De Blasio insisted that he didn’t want to seem biased against the Jewish community, but he could not stand by and allow them to chant things...
Fox commentator Tucker Carlson has once again doubled down on his accusations of the Chinese government’s alleged role in releasing the coronavirus by accusing the Wuhan Institute of Virology, also known as ‘that Wuhan lab’, of bullying him in High School. According to the conservative political commentator, not only did scientists from Wuhan develop SARS-CoV-2, which causes the disease Covid-19,...
The United States has long been known for its hardline stance on not (often) negotiating with terrorists. Or, at least it was, until recently when the US Senate adopted the McConnell Doctrine of overtly negotiating with terrorists if they look like you. After the US Capitol Building was attacked just two months ago by an armed mob swearing to overthrow...
Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing for all jihadis by February in order to bring terror to people face-to-face again, the organization has had to halt their plans citing the plethora of...
On Friday a man was arrested at the Toronto Airport after returning from a six-year “work trip” to Syria. Despite the ticking sound coming from his backpack, Tedi al-Cruzi was quickly released from airport custody after he patiently explained that he was only in the region because his daughter really wanted to see a Russian drone up close. al-Cruzi utilized...
As Christians around the world celebrated the miraculous birth of the Messiah, one brave outlier remained skeptical of his origin story. Although Trump insists that the Bible is his favorite book, he refused to cow to Big Church’s insistence tweeting, “No, Jesus wasn’t born in a stable in Jewdea (sic), I demand to see his birth certificate”. “Everybody’s thinking about...
SUPREME COURT, USA and SANA’A, YEMEN — For years Yemen has been experiencing the (currently) worst humanitarian crisis of the 21st century, a country throat punched by war, famine, and pestilence, and much like Ivanka trying to mingle, they too are consistently ignored by global leaders. However, Yemeni diplomats felt a flicker of hope yesterday after watching the Supreme Court...
After a tense night of getting the polls disastrously wrong yet again, Nate Silver has publicly apologized for failing to count the Taliban’s endorsement of Donald Trump as politically significant. Although the political elites smugly dismissed the Taliban’s statement in support of a second Trump presidential term, they clearly had a strong effect on voter turnout yesterday, as no other...
In a troubling week for members of the so-called ‘Islamic State’ – or whatever they call that last remaining mound of Syrian sand – the number of deaths from COVID-19 across the United States surpassed their wildest expectations of impact from any act of terror. Facing the reality that a disease was more effective than Jihad has created severe depression...
After receiving reviews that their depiction of the British royal family is “somewhat tedious and dull,” the team behind The Crown announced a new spinoff version of the show following the exploits of the House of Saud. This version is sure to have far fewer boring political scenes, as the royal leaders only turn to two sources for advice: themselves...
After over a month of silence from the White House around the tragic explosion in Beirut, the President finally spoke up about his generous plans to help the city rebuild, announcing that what the city really needs, in what used to be its port, is a giant casino. Sources close to the President reported that he stayed quiet about the...
After a week of introspection, Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad has announced that despite the genuine criminal effort he put into clinging to power, he’s experiencing career burnout and will be returning to his ophthalmic practice in London by the end of this year. During the press conference the dictator stated that although he loves his country, he’s been fighting off...
JERUSALEM — After three years of promising “the Deal of the Century”, Trump has revealed that his plan for Middle East peace centers around turning The Dome of the Rock shrine into a Trump Hotel. The President made it clear during negotiations last week that it is not worth lifting a city out of a protracted conflict if he can’t...
Trump went on Fox News this week to say that dark shadowy people are controlling Joe Biden and the election, which not only solidified his voting base of elderly Germans hiding out in Argentina, but also awarded him the Crufts International Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle.” Although this award usually goes to physical whistles for attracting dogs, Crufts adjudicators...
