Chrysanthemum Bloom
Deal to Turn Dome of the Rock Into Trump Hotel Falls Through
After three years of promising “the deal of the century”, Trump has revealed that his plan for Middle East peace centers around turning The Dome of the Rock shrine into a Trump Hotel. The President made it clear during negotiations last week that it is not worth lifting a city out of centuries of conflict if he can’t profit from it personally. And, the Dome of The Rock is the perfect building for it because it’s already gold plated. Also,...
Saudi’s Crown Prince Urges for Subtlety in Trump Government Purges
After Trump fired his Inspector General, a Health Department whistleblower, and a personal aid this month, his good friend and far more successful sociopath, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammad bin Salman (MBS), called him up to push the use of some subtlety in his power grabs. According to sources close to Trump, MBS calls every night for a quick catch-up. Usually the conversation centers around how alienating it is to be better than everyone else because of who...
Tucker Carlson: Wuhan Lab Bullied Me in High School
Fox commentator Tucker Carlson doubled down this week on his accusations of the Chinese government’s alleged role in releasing the coronavirus by accusing the Wuhan Institute of Virology, also known as ‘that Wuhan lab’, of bullying him in High School. According to the conservative political commentator, not only did scientists from Wuhan develop SARS-CoV-2, which causes the disease Covid-19, they also stole Carlson’s prom date during his junior year, an emasculating and brutal blow from which Carlson never fully recovered....
Russian Doctors: Defenestration is a Symptom of Coronavirus
In what clearly had no correlation whatsoever with their criticism of the government, this month a slew of Russian doctors found themselves mysteriously ejected from windowsills. After a thorough and independent evaluation of the events, Russia’s top doctors established that defenestration is a shocking new symptom of the novel coronavirus. Similarly – to how frequent exposure to the virus can increase the likelihood of serious symptoms such as a high fever, a dry cough, and rank looking feet known as...
Evangelicals confirm Elon Musk’s Son is not the Second Coming
In a rare unified statement from global Evangelical faith leaders, they announced to followers and heathens alike that Elon Musk’s son is absolutely not the Second Coming of Christ. Despite principally believing that anybody anywhere could carry The Good News, bringing mankind redemption before God, they decided at a faith meeting last week to amend these core tenants to exclude the Son of Musk. “He’s just not it” said one pastor. “I mean, look, how are we supposed to follow...
Boris Extends VE Day Nostalgia Trip by Offering to Re-incorporate The Middle East into The British Empire
Last Friday British citizens enjoyed a second of calm and nostalgia amid the Coronavirus crisis as they celebrated the anniversary of Victory in Europe. Never failing to capitalise on national pride, Boris Johnson suggested an extension of last Friday’s 1945-shaped distraction through revitalising what made Britain truly powerful: its empire. Starting with The Middle East. According to sources close to the Prime Minister, his stretch in hospital allowed him to reflect on how Britain got into its current mess, and...
Mossad: “Track and Trace Apps are New?”
Following other governments’ launches of coronavirus “track and trace” apps, Mossad proudly announced this week that they’ve been tracking citizens’ movements for years, for both national security and those ‘just in case’ scenarios. In a testament to the superiority of Israeli intelligence, Mossad claims that their concerns around infectious diseases began at the exact same time as the launch of the first iPhone. And, in their signature low-key way, the agency imbedded a new app: Mossad’s Coronavirus Anticipatory Regulation for...
George W. Bush Reverses His Policy on “Liberation”
In a rare return to the spotlight last weekend, mediocre Texan painter George W Bush urged for unity across political parties in order to effectively combat the coronavirus. This came as a shock to many Iraqi citizens who remember Bush for his previous passion for “liberation.” Despite Bush’s global legacy focusing largely on freeing people from their oppressors whether they like it or not, he seemed suddenly less keen to support “liberation” movements when they occurred in his own country....
Mayor de Blasio Celebrates Israel’s Independence Day by Reminding Jews Why They Need a State
After breaking up an illegal and massive gathering of ultra-orthodox Jews in New York City this week, Mayor de Blasio felt it was appropriate to send a reminder to the entire Jewish community that they deserve to be called out specifically for their actions. Through this act of public service, the mayor aptly celebrated Israel’s Independence Day, the birth of the modern Jewish state, by reminding “the Jewish community” why being lumped together and blamed collectively is one of the...
Trump Plans to Reopen America on April 31st
Following weeks of passionate self-sabotage by citizens across the United States, President Trump proudly announced last night that all business across the country will be free to open as of April 31st. “This is going to be really, really huge for all the people out there who were not smart enough to be born rich” said Trump. “Some so-called experts are saying “but Mr President opening on April 31st is impossible” or “April 31st is not on the Gregorian Calendar.”...
Netanyahu Protects Palestinians From Virus by Distancing Land Across the West Bank
In a triumph for health experts everywhere, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has promised to achieve social distancing across the West Bank by annexing large swathes of land in the middle of it. Despite some haters calling this move “illegal” and “jeopardizing peace,” select advocates in the fight against Coronavirus see putting borders around villages in the middle of what would otherwise be one long potential state as the only way to prevent contact between 2.6 million Palestinians. Such a...
Jared Kushner Launches Nationwide Coronavirus Test: A Buzzfeed Quiz
Following consecutive failures at getting coronavirus tests to the population, certified millennial Jared Kushner is launching the most accessible test yet: a Buzzfeed quiz. “I took a Buzzfeed quiz while on mute during a Situation Room zoom call last week, and it told me if I could be any cheese from Harry Potter I’d be a Slytherin Roquefort,” announced Kushner from the Rose Garden. “That seemed pretty accurate, so then I thought, woah what if it could tell if I...
Saudi Arabia Claims It Bombed Yemen “Ironically”
Following years of criticism around the conflict in Yemen, Saudi commanders went on Fox News last night to announce that they were obviously only bombing innocent civilians “ironically.” “Jeez. Nobody can take a joke nowadays.” said army general and frequent sub-reddittor Mohamad bin-Mohamad. “It’s like how holding up a journalist’s head doesn’t actually mean I hate free speech. Bombing the shit out of a country doesn’t really mean we want to test out our missiles on a defenceless population. It’s,...
Global Yeast Shortage Prevents Christ from Rising
Normally, Christians learn how Jesus was covered, rested, and chilled in a cave for three days in order to emerge fully risen, and ready to be turned into wafers every Sunday. However, this year won’t have a normal Easter. Despite efforts from the church to cover it up for years, it is apparent that God is not the only rising agent involved in the Easter miracle. And, due to the unfortunate collision of quarantine, Instagram stories, and hippies, it appears...
Study Finds 80% of Jewish Seders Will Skip Over the Plagues This Passover
A study released this week from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem found that 80% of Jewish families are choosing to skip the plague section of the Passover Seder this year due to “plague overkill”. Despite the listing of the ten plagues being one of the most important parts of the Passover Seder ritual, the study found that eight out of ten Jewish families are feeling a little “plagued out” this year. Usually Jewish people only have to think about plagues...
Saudi Crown Prince Releases COVID-Safe Guidelines on Murdering Political Opponents
In an effort to follow Word Health Organization (WHO) regulations on avoiding close personal contact, especially any exchange of bodily fluids, the Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS), announced today a new set of safety guidelines on how to murder political opponents without contracting the novel coronavirus. The guidelines encourage all contract killers to pause their usual techniques of brutal dismemberment in favor of more sanitary killings that can be done from at least six feet (2 meters) away....
BDS Students Boycott Potential for Nuance
After a slew of protests at American colleges, the Students for BDS movement declared this week that boycotting Israel now includes blocking any potential for nuanced thought. In what’s being labelled “brave” by sociology professors across the country, Students have reached the pinnacle of non-violent protest: never causing any mental pain to themselves. Merely banning material things is too capitalist, and therefore the only true boycott is on thought. Also “thinking” itself can be pretty stressful. Middle East watchers have...
Tiffany Trump Claims Responsibility for Saudi Bombings
After a week of Donald Trump focusing all of his attention on the oil bombings in Saudi Arabia, Tiffany Trump has claimed responsibility for the attacks in the fleeting hope that her dad might finally notice her. Tiffany, known by her close friends as “Not the Worst Trump” and by her father as “Who?”, confessed on Instagram Live to using a sophisticated combination of drone and cruise missiles to target the Saudi Arabian oil facilities. According to sources close to...
ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels
Following the recent United States crackdown on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing them with fruity vapes. In this new operation, code named, Jihadist Ultimate Undoing of Lungs (JUUL), the insurgency group will be able...
Israel-Gaza Ceasefire Announced to Celebrate Royal Baby
Citizens in Israel and Gaza were grateful this week for an agreed ceasefire in celebration of the new British Royal Baby. Sources have confirmed that Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Prime Minister Netanyahu met in person following their synchronized CNN blasts that Megan was indeed in labor, before formally announcing the brief hiatus this morning under the moniker Operation Silver Spoon. The meeting allegedly discussed whether the baby would be a boy or a girl, if they would be satisfied...