After Trump fired his Inspector General, a Health Department whistleblower, and a personal aid this month, his good friend and far more successful sociopath, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammad bin Salman (MBS), called him up to push the use of some subtlety in his power grabs. According to sources close to Trump, MBS calls every night for a...
In what clearly had no correlation whatsoever with their criticism of the government, this month a slew of Russian doctors found themselves mysteriously ejected from windowsills. After a thorough and independent evaluation of the events, Russia’s top doctors established that defenestration is a shocking new symptom of the novel coronavirus. Similarly – to how frequent exposure to the virus can...
In a rare unified statement from global Evangelical faith leaders, they announced to followers and heathens alike that Elon Musk’s son is absolutely not the Second Coming of Christ. Despite principally believing that anybody anywhere could carry The Good News, bringing mankind redemption before God, they decided at a faith meeting last week to amend these core tenants to exclude...
Last Friday British citizens enjoyed a second of calm and nostalgia amid the Coronavirus crisis as they celebrated the anniversary of Victory in Europe. Never failing to capitalise on national pride, Boris Johnson suggested an extension of last Friday’s 1945-shaped distraction through revitalising what made Britain truly powerful: its empire. Starting with The Middle East. According to sources close to...
In a rare return to the spotlight last weekend, mediocre Texan painter George W Bush urged for unity across political parties in order to effectively combat the coronavirus. This came as a shock to many Iraqi citizens who remember Bush for his previous passion for “liberation.” Despite Bush’s global legacy focusing largely on freeing people from their oppressors whether they...
After breaking up an illegal and massive gathering of ultra-orthodox Jews in New York City this week, Mayor de Blasio felt it was appropriate to send a reminder to the entire Jewish community that they deserve to be called out specifically for their actions. Through this act of public service, the mayor aptly celebrated Israel’s Independence Day, the birth of...
Following weeks of passionate self-sabotage by citizens across the United States, President Trump proudly announced last night that all business across the country will be free to open as of April 31st. “This is going to be really, really huge for all the people out there who were not smart enough to be born rich” said Trump. “Some so-called experts...
In a triumph for health experts everywhere, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has promised to achieve social distancing across the West Bank by annexing large swathes of land in the middle of it. Despite some haters calling this move “illegal” and “jeopardizing peace,” select advocates in the fight against Coronavirus see putting borders around villages in the middle of what...
Following consecutive failures at getting coronavirus tests to the population, certified millennial Jared Kushner is launching the most accessible test yet: a Buzzfeed quiz. “I took a Buzzfeed quiz while on mute during a Situation Room zoom call last week, and it told me if I could be any cheese from Harry Potter I’d be a Slytherin Roquefort,” announced Kushner...
Following years of criticism around the conflict in Yemen, Saudi commanders went on Fox News last night to announce that they were obviously only bombing innocent civilians “ironically.” “Jeez. Nobody can take a joke nowadays.” said army general and frequent sub-reddittor Mohamad bin-Mohamad. “It’s like how holding up a journalist’s head doesn’t actually mean I hate free speech. Bombing the...
Normally, Christians learn how Jesus was covered, rested, and chilled in a cave for three days in order to emerge fully risen, and ready to be turned into wafers every Sunday. However, this year won’t have a normal Easter. Despite efforts from the church to cover it up for years, it is apparent that God is not the only rising...
In an effort to follow Word Health Organization (WHO) regulations on avoiding close personal contact, especially any exchange of bodily fluids, the Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS), announced today a new set of safety guidelines on how to murder political opponents without contracting the novel coronavirus. The guidelines encourage all contract killers to pause their usual techniques of...
After a slew of protests at American colleges, the Students for BDS movement declared this week that boycotting Israel now includes blocking any potential for nuanced thought. In what’s being labelled “brave” by sociology professors across the country, Students have reached the pinnacle of non-violent protest: never causing any mental pain to themselves. Merely banning material things is too capitalist,...
After a week of Donald Trump focusing all of his attention on the oil bombings in Saudi Arabia, Tiffany Trump has claimed responsibility for the attacks in the fleeting hope that her dad might finally notice her. Tiffany, known by her close friends as “Not the Worst Trump” and by her father as “Who?”, confessed on Instagram Live to using...
Citizens in Israel and Gaza were grateful this week for an agreed ceasefire in celebration of the new British Royal Baby. Sources have confirmed that Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Prime Minister Netanyahu met in person following their synchronized CNN blasts that Megan was indeed in labor, before formally announcing the brief hiatus this morning under the moniker Operation Silver...
ISIS’s most elite education institutions have become increasingly competitive. The schools expect students to reach at least 2,400 conversions, pray five times daily and talk about a time a service trip changed their lives. However, a recent report from the Caliphate has revealed that some of ISIS’s most prominent Jihadis have been bribing their children into its top higher brainwashing...
Following the ongoing crackdown in the United States on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing...
