Trump Pardons ISIS Leader, ‘A Patriot Who Kept the Caliphate Safe’

Trump Pardons ISIS Leader, ‘A Patriot Who Kept the Caliphate Safe’

MARICOPA, AL-ARIZONASTAN — On Friday, President Trump pardoned controversial ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, commenting that his “only crime was protecting the Caliphate from non-believers.” “Despite the failing New York Times’ description of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his aggressive efforts to hunt down and detain infidels, Abu was only attempting to protect his citizens and land,” Trump said in a press release. In an editorial, Breitbart.com defended Trump’s decision. “So, he ordered his men to pull over people who looked...

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast. “Then out of nowhere, these antifa jackasses come out with the exact same routine and act like they invented it.”...

Jared Kushner Successfully Resolves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Jared Kushner Successfully Resolves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

A previously-thought-to-be intractable dispute that has foiled well-meaning leaders for decades, and whose roots go back millennia, has, finally and irrevocably, been solved thanks to middle-age wunderkind and, heretofore untrained, diplomat, US presidential son-in-law and appointed Middle East liaison, Mr. Jared Kushner. For the last two days, Mr. Kushner has applied himself towards fixing this conflict and, according to experts, has ended this previously unsolvable conundrum once and for all. “Mr. Kushner just has a way with people,” explained Prime...

ISIS Leader to Become Boxer, Fight Mayweather

ISIS Leader to Become Boxer, Fight Mayweather

Inspired by UFC star Conor McGregor’s performance in Saturday’s bout, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that he will take a break from jihad to try his luck in the boxing ring. “Fighting is fighting, whether you’re doing it in a ring with gloves or in Shia mosque with a suicide belt,” al-Baghdadi said in announcing his decision. “If McGregor can go from MMA to boxing, I can make the switch from jihad.” Al-Baghdadi insisted he simply wanted the chance...

Trump and the Nazis

Trump and the Nazis

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here On this episode of the The Mideast Beast Podcast,  hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles take on the Nazis. It’s not a question of win or lose, but rather the battle of ‘fake news’. Together, the two discuss the role of ‘fake news’ when it comes to Trump, the Middle East, and new Neo-Nazis, that seem to be everywhere. So are...

Struggling with Leaks, Internal Chaos and Loss of Support, He Sees the End is Near

Struggling with Leaks, Internal Chaos and Loss of Support, He Sees the End is Near

Beleaguered by leaks, organizational chaos, infighting, and members jumping ship, the infamous leader struggles to maintain his hold on power. One aid agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity “He’s breaking all the traditions! didn’t even hold a Ramadan dinner! All the past leaders I can remember has hosted Ramadan dinner.” The “Fire and Fury” leader has lost a large number of his cabinet members, including several spokespeople, some lasting only a few days. “These guys come...

ISIS Cell Seeks Counseling Over Premature Detonation

ISIS Cell Seeks Counseling Over Premature Detonation

Members of an ISIS terrorist cell are seeking professional counseling after one of their guys prematurely detonated his suicide vest in the bathroom of an underground dance hall, Abu Shakti’s Freedom Cave. During counseling, Muhammed Kadif sentimentally recalled life with his fellow Jihadi, “Kamal was the best in boot camp; he had the stamina of three camels. I remember how he would keep us up all night practicing the 72 prayer positions. He could pray all day and jihad all...

Citizens Beginning to Suspect Erratic Behavior in Their Leader

Citizens Beginning to Suspect Erratic Behavior in Their Leader

Following a multitude of reports regarding corruption and firebrand speeches, he immediately engages in one of his favorite activities: yelling and tweeting “Fake News!” He’s even gone so far as to focus his attacks on specific journalists. The media, is to him, the epicenter of an all-out political ‘witch hunt’, one of his favorite terms. He lies at will, he’s never to blame, and he’s always the victim. And don’t even get us started on his combover, or his wife....

Yemeni Children Get Creative in Attempt to Grab America’s Attention

Yemeni Children Get Creative in Attempt to Grab America’s Attention

A group of starving Yemeni eleven-year-olds are attempting to create a giant solar eclipse made of cardboard and flashlights, with the purported intent of getting Americans to finally start reporting news about their country. The kids started collecting materials from dumpsters and refugee camps on Monday, after realizing that the solar eclipse was prompting journalists to stop incessantly reporting on Trump for the first time in two years. “We don’t have a school science fair, because, well, we don’t have...

ISIS Makes Good on Threat of Attack of ‘Astronomical Proportion’ against US

ISIS Makes Good on Threat of Attack of ‘Astronomical Proportion’ against US

Islamic State has issued a public statement claiming responsibility for an attack of ‘astronomical proportion’ against the United States, ‘from coast to coast’ on 21 August. According to one ISIS spokesperson, the organization has taken full responsibility for the recent solar eclipse. Military defeats in Iraq and increasing pressure on territorial bases in Syria have led the group to seek new avenues of assault. Sources close to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, told The Mideast Beast that their...

ISIS Behind Student Loans; Financial Jihad to Break the American Spirit

ISIS Behind Student Loans; Financial Jihad to Break the American Spirit

Captured ISIS Commander of the “Curvy Virgins in the Garden of Allah Battalion” has revealed that they are behind a financial-terror campaign in the form of Predatory Student Lending Funds, which have mushroomed in popularity since January 2017. In what CIA agents have dubbed “the burger-flipping-shame jihad,” it appears ISIS has sought to target “Trump’s dumb-ass America” through predatory student loans for for-profit universities. Abu al-Jizbodi, a professor of American studies at Al-Azar university, told reporters, “By working for minimum...

Alt-Right Hits Streets of Jerusalem

Alt-Right Hits Streets of Jerusalem

Inspired by Charlottesville, the Middle East’s alt-right took to the streets of Jerusalem yelling “make the Middle East great again” whilst waving flags from the Roman Empire.  Some of the marchers were even seen carrying Gladius swords clearly meant to intimidate Jews and Muslims who were slaughtered during the ancient historical period. One of the organizers commented, “We just want to go back to a time before all of this two-state solution bullshit, where there was one state – a...

Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team

Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team

Saying that only the Qataris understood what it was like to be isolated because of one’s political beliefs, former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has signed a one-year deal with the embattled Middle Eastern nation. The signing comes after Kaepernick, who made headlines for refusing to stand for the national anthem, has struggled to find an NFL team willing to sign him. But in Qatar, the embattled former Super Bowl quarterback was welcomed with open arms. “We believe this...

KKK: “We’re Freedom Fighters, Not Terrorists”

KKK: “We’re Freedom Fighters, Not Terrorists”

BUMFUKBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA – Former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke has released a plea for empathy to FOX News earlier today. “The KKK are not terrorists. We are freedom fighters lawfully resisting the illegal occupation of our Beloved South, and the genocide of the Indigenous Whites. “The real terrorists are the Zionists, Black Lives Matter people, and Antifa, who are destroying our statues and monuments that sustain our cultural and historical heritage. To remind everybody, the Confederacy was unlawfully invaded...

Are All Journalists Just Fake News Homosexuals?

Are All Journalists Just Fake News Homosexuals?

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here On this episode of the The Mideast Beast Podcast: We provide the satirical news, but are the real journalists giving you fake news? Host Molly Livingstone gets to the bottom of this burning question with the Times of Israel Knesset Correspondent Raoul Wootliff. Find out why he was called a “fake journalist homo” while covering a recent right-wing rally. Is it...

Trump’s Council of Evil Dictators Disbands After Assad Resigns

Trump’s Council of Evil Dictators Disbands After Assad Resigns

The Trump administration has suffered another setback, as the president was forced to dissolve his Council of Evil Dictators following the resignation of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. President Trump had launched the council in an effort to implement best practices in eroding American democracy and empowering the country’s worst people. But the council’s members began dropping out following Trump’s comments defending pro-Nazi marchers at a rally in Charlottesville, Virginia. “I am fully supportive of war crimes, oppression and mild genocide,...

Inspired by Trump Speech, Saudi Arabia Condemns Sexism and Misogyny

Inspired by Trump Speech, Saudi Arabia Condemns Sexism and Misogyny

Inspired by the eloquent hypocrisy of President Trump’s statement on racism, King Salman of Saudi Arabia gave a brief speech Monday in which he condemned “all forms of sexism, misogyny, and chauvinism in our Kingdom.” “Sexism is evil”, stated the man who rules a country where women can barely leave their homes without the accompaniment of a male guardian. “We are all created equal under our creator and the law, but equal doesn’t mean the same. We must love each...

Trump Criticizes “All Sides” in the Prevention of an Attempted Shooting by Islamic State

Trump Criticizes “All Sides” in the Prevention of an Attempted Shooting by Islamic State

The ISIS gunman was neutralized last night at a bus station in Mosul after passers-by, and a dog rapidly converged on him. When asked to comment on the incident, the President denounced the attacker and the victims in the same breath: “Obviously, ISIS are bad guys, but what about those who tried to stop them? There was this one guy who ripped the assailant’s shirt when he tried to disarm him. Another kicked him in the nuts. The code of conduct between...

Citing General Lee’s “Original Two-State Solution,” Trump Asks for Israeli Backing

Citing General Lee’s “Original Two-State Solution,” Trump Asks for Israeli Backing

Following the condemnation of the President’s statements on the Charlottesville protests by Republican colleagues, the President has reached out to Israeli leaders to support his position. In a press conference today, Trump stated, “It would be nice if some of my Israeli friends helped, you know I love Israel, those Jews are doing fantastic things over there with the high tech, and the missile defense, you’ve heard about the missile defense? Anyway, you know General Robert E. Lee was a great...

‘Can We March in Charlottesville Too?’ ISIS Asks

‘Can We March in Charlottesville Too?’ ISIS Asks

Admitting that they were a bit bewildered by the recent Nazi/White Nationalist march in Charlottesville, Virginia, and by President Trump’s silence over the incident, ISIS leaders have cautiously approached the president to check if he would be cool with their terror group holding a similar rally. “I’ve spent all these years as an enemy of America trying to sneak into the country and pull off a secret attack,” one ISIS leader told The Mideast Beast. “But then I saw people...