REVEALED! Secret Diary Excerpts of Vladimir Putin

REVEALED! Secret Diary Excerpts of Vladimir Putin

9 May: Today, I, Vlad the Greatest, met with Benjamin Netanyahu who got pissed when I asked him which Middle Eastern country he was a dictator of. He claimed he wasn’t a despot before droning on and on about Israel being the only democracy in the Middle East. “But nobody seems to give a shit about that anymore”, Ben sighed 20 minutes later, interrupting my attempt to spell out the alphabet backwards in my head. “So, you’re not a dictator...

Dancing on Tables in Jerusalem

Dancing on Tables in Jerusalem

On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, Molly Livingstone sits down with Jerusalem City Council member and Head of the Yerushalmim (Jerusalemites) Party, Fleur Hassan Nahoum, to discuss the terrifying situation in Jerusalem. No, it has nothing to do with war or peace, it’s worse… politics and the upcoming mayoral elections. Find out her plan, her history of dancing on tables, and her future visions for the ever-so complicated city, Jerusalem. The Mideast Beast podcasts are available on...

Iran Bans Chick-Fil-A Over Treatment of Gays

Iran Bans Chick-Fil-A Over Treatment of Gays

In a move celebrated as a first step towards ending the execution of homosexuals, the Islamic Republic of Iran has shuttered all Chick-Fil-A location’s over the fast food chain’s opposition to same-sex marriage. “While we feel that homosexuality is a crime against Allah, and the only acceptable penalty is death, we also reject the homophobia of Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “Every Chick-Fil-A in the country will be burnt, and anyone suspected of eating...

The Name’s Stein, Palestein

The Name’s Stein, Palestein

In a surprise move, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced that a long-term peace agreement has been successfully negotiated. In a joint press conference, the world leaders announced that the State of Israel will cease to exist entirely, being replaced by a unified Jewish-Arab nation called Palestein. “It is time,” said Abbas, “for Palestein to take its rightful place on the Mount Rushmore of great Jewish Steins. Rosenstein, Ben Stein, Palestein. I think it...

Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle

Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle

In the latest conspiracy theory linked to Israel’s main intelligence agency, a prominent Egyptian cleric claims he has “cast iron proof” that Real Madrid defender, Sergio Ramos, is, in fact, a Mossad operative who deliberately handicapped the Liverpool player and rising star, Mo Salah. Egyptian-born Salah, considered one of the world’s top soccer players and who has garnered a significant following amongst the Arab and Muslim world, was injured in the Champions League final last month causing doubts about the...

Sara Netanyahu Leaving Bibi for Scott Pruitt

Sara Netanyahu Leaving Bibi for Scott Pruitt

Declaring that she has finally found somebody who shares her love of exploiting government resources for personal use, Israeli First Lady Sara Netanyahu announced that she is leaving her husband for EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt. “I thought I was living my best life with Benny – charging taxpayers for home renovations, installing luxury hotel rooms on private airplanes, and even using public servants to fetch bottle deposits,” Sara told The Mideast Beast. “I never knew there could be anything more....

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen

While nobody knows what the hell is going to happen at the upcoming summit between President Donald Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, the United Nations has already blamed Israel for the breakdown of the talks which are yet to occur. The latest UN General Assembly Resolution has declared that “the blame for the fallout at the summit yet to actually happen, the onset of World War Three and subsequent nuclear holocaust must squarely be placed on Israel.” Iran’s representative...

God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’

God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’

In a surprise announcement, The Almighty One, Blessed Be He, dropped his new commandment without warning this past Monday morning: “Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out”. This is the first commandment that the Chief Shepherd has released in thousands of years but he explained that it has been in the works for some time. When asked what inspired him to make an 11th commandment he pointed out that it became clear that the first Ten weren’t really cutting it anymore, ...

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Saying that the first-century preacher and possible messiah has been treated “very unfairly,” US President Donald Trump acknowledged that he is considering a pardon for Jesus Christ. “These Byzantines (sic) were really bad hombres, and they really treated this Jesus Christ guy very unfairly,” Trump said in a Tweet. “A lot of people don’t know this, but he was crucified by Puny Pontius Pilate. Sad!” Trump added that Christ is finally beginning to get recognition. The president was informed of...

Jerusalem’s Damascus Gate Renamed Following Cultural Appropriation Row

Jerusalem’s Damascus Gate Renamed Following Cultural Appropriation Row

Following accusations of cultural appropriation, the Jerusalem Municipality has agreed to rename one of the entrances into Jerusalem’s Old City. The decision to rename Damascus Gate was announced after months of campaigning by social justice warriors who claim that the site as it is currently named constitutes an “aggressive act of linguistic colonialism against the people of Syria.” While the group is campaigning to bring about the linguistic change, #DamascusGateMustFall, has often been confused with the similarly tagged pro-Islamic State...

Assad, Putin and Khamenei to Form Hard Rock Supergroup: ‘New Axis of Evil’

Assad, Putin and Khamenei to Form Hard Rock Supergroup: ‘New Axis of Evil’

The apparent alliance between Iran, Syria and Russia culminated Friday with the release of a self-titled album ‘New Axis of Evil.’  It features Putin on lead guitar and vocals, Khamenei on bass and backup vocals, and Assad on drums. Khamenei’s ‘Sanction City’ is a bluesy number, with a lot of passion behind it, but it is Putin’s hard rock cover of Shaggy’s hit ‘It Wasn’t Me’ that has caused the most stir. However, true fans are most excited by the bonus...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv during today’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or forced to watch season two of...

Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and we’ve always been strong and hard in our thrusts in aiming for those rights, always standing erect with pride and never...

The World Cup is Half Empty for Israel…Messi Messed it Up (New TMB Podcast!)

The World Cup is Half Empty for Israel…Messi Messed it Up (New TMB Podcast!)

This week on the Mideast Beast podcast, host Alex Giles, a lightweight, sips his rosé wine, while Molly Livingstone could use something a bit harder (and that is what she said), and together the two discuss the football, the ladies, and the power. While it seems like Qatar Airlines doesn’t think a woman could run the company, Saudi Arabia has finally let women drive, even if only 10 have now received their licenses. Is it fair? Molly goes on a...

Israeli Culture Minister Calls for Boycott of FC Barcelona Supporters

Israeli Culture Minister Calls for Boycott of FC Barcelona Supporters

Israeli Culture Minister Miri Regev ordered Wednesday a boycott of FC Barcelona fans (Barça), the soccer team for which Argentinian soccer player Lionel Messi regularly plays, following Argentina’s cancelling of its prospective soccer match against Israel in Jerusalem. The boycott will effectively bar entry into Israel of any individual who has ever expressed support of Barça. These “expressions of support” include purchasing the soccer club’s memorabilia, sharing related content on social media, or tuning into its games for longer than...

Hamas Seeks Humanitarian Aid to Purchase a DeLorean

Hamas Seeks Humanitarian Aid to Purchase a DeLorean

Hamas spokesman Marti Ibn Zvuv talks candidly with The Mideast Beast (TMB) about success, failure, and hopes for the past. TMB: With huge support from the UN and world media, you must be pleased with the outcome of your recent activities MIZ: Actually, we are still suffering.  Seems that we can’t put money into trying to destroy Israel and provide for our people simultaneously. TMB:  Why a time machine? MIZ:  Since the 2005 Israeli disengagement, our living standard has plummeted.  Frankly, we weren’t prepared to rule...

Al Qaeda Jihadis Undergo “Racial Bias Training”

Al Qaeda Jihadis Undergo “Racial Bias Training”

Following accusations of racially biased terrorist operations, Al Qaeda closed all branches yesterday afternoon for jihadis to undergo ‘racial bias training’. The move was described by a senior member of the organization as “necessary to adapt to a globalized world.” “We believe that those who aren’t Muslims or Muslims who aren’t Sunnis or Sunni Muslims who refuse to pledge allegiance to our organization or Sunni Muslims who did pledge allegiance to our organization but later expressed an opinion to be...

Turkey Declares Itself World Capital of Free Speech

Turkey Declares Itself World Capital of Free Speech

In a compulsory poll conducted by the Turkish government, the country came out on top of all other nations as the world capital of free speech. The results initially came as a shock to international bystanders considering Turkey’s growing propensity to imprison journalists and political opponents of President Recep Erdoğan. “We are pleased to announce”, Erdoğan stated upon publicly reading the poll’s results, “that Turkey has officially declared itself the freest speech country on earth, with 99.98% of respondents saying...

In Meeting with Kim Jong Un, Assad Expected to Focus on Human Rights

In Meeting with Kim Jong Un, Assad Expected to Focus on Human Rights

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is expected to push North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un on the latter’s human rights record when the two leaders meet later this month. Sources close to Assad said say the Syrian ruler hopes to establish closer ties between the countries, but would not turn a blind eye to the suffering of North Korea’s people. “Any true partnership between our nations will include a mutual respect for human rights and international norms,” one Syrian diplomat...

Israel-Hamas Trade War Looms Over Steel and Aluminum Used in Rockets

Israel-Hamas Trade War Looms Over Steel and Aluminum Used in Rockets

The boring conventional war between Israel and Hamas is set to escalate into a thrilling trade war, with each side accusing the other of unfair trading standards.  Following President Trump’s decision to impose tariffs on steel and aluminum imports, Israel has decided to raise the issue that the metal products which make up Hamas’ rockets constitute a gross overreach in such exports, threatening Israel’s domestic producers. “Currently, we aren’t imposing any tariffs whatsoever on those flying tubes of metal and, frankly,...