Natalie Portman Joins BDS, Boycotts Herself

Natalie Portman Joins BDS, Boycotts Herself

Saying that she has finally come around to support the cultural boycott of Israel, Jerusalem-born actress Natalie Portman is reportedly urging fans not to watch any of her movies. The actress, who last week cancelled a trip to Israel in response to the recent conflict on the Gaza border, has gone to great lengths to make sure none of her fans support her movies. “I was about to rent ‘The Phantom Menace’ from a Redbox, and she just appeared out...

Trump Orders a Mohammad Bin Salman Burger with Extra Tartar Sauce

Trump Orders a Mohammad Bin Salman Burger with Extra Tartar Sauce

At a lunch meeting to discuss the developing Israeli-Saudi relationship, President Trump ordered a ‘Mohammad Bin Salman burger’ with extra tartar sauce on the side. A staffer present at the meeting (who wished to remain anonymous) explained, “We were trying to explain the broader implications of the Saudis officially recognizing Israel. I guess he saw the Mohammad Bin Salman intelligence report and thought it was the lunch menu.” Another aide explained, “At first we thought he was asking about Saudi...

Sisi’s Landslide, Kentucky’s Ark, & Saudi Princess Noura’s Catwalk

Sisi’s Landslide, Kentucky’s Ark, & Saudi Princess Noura’s Catwalk

On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, hosts Molly Livingstone and a slightly tipsy (one cup of rose after a long day) Alex Giles discuss the most important matters in the entire world: Uber drivers who act Israeli, creationist museums with humans riding dinosaurs, dictators who force people to vote – and then win, and fashion week with no gays. Also, is there more than one Jerusalem? It’s not the alcohol talking… it’s Alex. Listen already to find...

“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event

“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event

“Definitely Not ISIS” has filed for a license to stage a free-speech rally later this month. The event will host prominent speakers from the Middle East and further afield. “We think that even if you don’t agree with what we have to say, we certainly deserve the right to say it,” Abu Bakr al-Newyorki, the organization’s spokesperson, told The Mideast Beast. “If you value freedom of speech like we do, then show up to the event and support us. Just an FYI, no...

Parkland Crisis Actors Demanding Double Time for Syria Work

Parkland Crisis Actors Demanding Double Time for Syria Work

The Parkland professional acting troop, unofficial motto, “You Shoot, We Cry”, have been in talks through their agents on requiring extensive overtime payments for their recent work in Douma, Syria. A spokesperson for the group commented, “We’ve been flat out these past weeks and we simply feel that our commitment to our craft needs to be recognized by our Zionist/Anti 2A/Deep State masters”. “Frankly, being required to jet over to Syria on short notice to roll around in the rubble...

Media Shocked by Attack from Political Left

Media Shocked by Attack from Political Left

LONDON – After many months of accusations of bias from the political Right, media outlets have been taken by surprise by attacks from the other side of the aisle. UK Labour’s shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott, has lashed out at media over reports that she tweeted a misleading photo regarding  joint US, UK and French air strikes on Syrian military installations.  Ms Abbott has described as “pathetic” criticisms of her photo of a recent US fighter jet strike on Syria.  “Why does it matter...

Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike

Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike

A baffled President Donald Trump has been discussing with close aides how he doesn’t understand “why people are still insisting I’m BFFs with Putin even after I bombed his other BFF.” “I tried everything, but the Fake News Media won’t listen! The minute I said the words ‘Cold War’ everybody in the world, especially poop-faced Mueller, should have stopped doubting my behavior. I’m president, for Christ’s sake!” Confiding in White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Trump revealed that he’d...

Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships

Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships

The Mossad, Israel’s international espionage agency has released a highly trained Kraken to harass and destroy Gazan fishing ships. In a statement released by a Mossad spokesperson, they admitted to previously training sharks to attack Egyptians in the Red sea, as well as eagles to spy on Hezbollah, and of course Flipper Goldstein, the Mossad dolphin to spy on Hamas. The spokesman explained, “Honestly, the naval blockade and constant searching of fishing vessels are getting old and we were really looking to bump things up...

Fake News Sites and the UN in Demarcation Dispute

Fake News Sites and the UN in Demarcation Dispute

GENEVA – In a surprise announcement today, editors of the largest satirical news websites have declared that they are forming a new international organization with the central mission of “maintenance of international peace and security”.  Following the UN decision to make Syria the head of their chemical weapons watchdog, just days after Assad’s alleged chemical attack in Ghouta, the conglomerate said: “Since the UN seems to be doing our job, it’s time we did theirs – it’s not like they’re...

Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write

Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write

The Mideast Beast is your trusted source for front-line reporting on the Middle East, a publication of unimpeachable journalistic integrity that holds itself to the highest standards of meticulous coverage and astute analysis. In fact, unlike other, slower news outlets, we don’t even have to wait for the news to happen to deliver a comprehensive report of them to our readers. This is made possible through TMB’s unrivaled network of intrepid on-location reporters who would sleep with anyone, as many times as...

Comey Not in Syria

Comey Not in Syria

Reports in from the overnight strikes on Syria have confirmed that James Comey was not hit. The Mideast Beast understands that President Trump authorized the attacks after reading a later-deleted tweet from the Fox and Friends account stating that the former FBI Director would be kicking off his book tour in Damascus. The tweet did not make clear that this would be Damascus, Virginia. Meanwhile, air defenses over Iran were reportedly on high alert following a favorable Yelp review by...

Saudis Forced to Decide Between Hating Jews or Shiites

Saudis Forced to Decide Between Hating Jews or Shiites

In light of Mohammad bin Salman’s decision to recognize Israel’s right to exist, the rest of Saudi Arabia has announced its extreme displeasure at being forced to compromise their hatred of Jews for their hatred of Shiites. Abdul Rahman Al-Sudais, the Imam of the Saudi Grand Mosque railed, “We have arrived at an extremely unfortunate position where we are being forced to ally with Zionist pig-monkeys in order to repel the infidel Shiite dogs. We resent the fact that we must set...

White Walkers Picket Wall

White Walkers Picket Wall

The Night’s Watch have been criticised by leading human rights organizations for their attacks on peaceful White Walkers picnicking the Wall.  The Wall is recognized as the border by all nations throughout Westeros, Essos, and Sotheryos, however, it is not recognized by the White Walkers. Senator Bernie Saunders has criticized the Crows’ tactics saying that use of Dragons Glass is disproportional. “The White Walkers are the victims here”, Saunders said, “even if they are the victims of other White Walkers who turned...

Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust

Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust

As people in Israel, and throughout the world, mark Yom HaShoah, or Holocaust Memorial Day, UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn issued a touching eulogy to the thousands of Germans who saw their reputations suffer under Nazi rule. “We can never forget the terrible tragedy of Europe’s concentration camps, where innocent Germans were verbally attacked simply for doing their jobs,” Corbyn said in a heartfelt speech. “Every citizen of the world can imagine the suffering of these poor guards, scientists and...

Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’

Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’

Warning that their tolerance for the GOP president’s actions has its limits, House and Senate Republicans insisted that the assassination of special counsel Robert Mueller would be “a red line” for the president. “While I believe the investigation into Russian meddling in our election to be baseless, the president should let Mr. Mueller do his job without interference,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said in a statement. “His assassination would draw much concern from Democrats and Republicans alike.” South Carolina Senator...

Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists

Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists

Impressed by reports of Israeli snipers gunning down Palestinian journalists, US President Donald Trump has asked Israel’s government for advice on how to deal with hostile media. “When I so much as hint at offing a nosy reporter or point out that CNN is the enemy of the American people, everyone goes through the roof,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “But those Jews can just pick off whoever they want and get away with it.” Israel has come under fire...

Trump Bans Queen from US Due to Relation to Prophet Muhammed

Trump Bans Queen from US Due to Relation to Prophet Muhammed

Promising to take no chances when it comes to America’s security, US President Donald Trump has banned the UK’s Queen Elizabeth II amid reports that she may be a descendent of Prophet Muhammed. “I am hearing reports, very troubling, that the Queen is actually a Muslim terrorist, and I am issuing a complete ban on the royal family until we can figure out what the hell is going on,” Trump said in a press conference announcing the ban. “I have to...

Israelis Ask if They Can Leave with the Asylum Seekers

Israelis Ask if They Can Leave with the Asylum Seekers

The recent canceled deal between Israel and the U.N. to send African asylum seekers to Canada and Germany has had many Israelis asking, “Can I leave too?” Tel Aviv resident Moshe Goldenbergensteiner told the Mideast Beast, “I attended all the protests to make sure they wouldn’t get deported and then murdered or tortured, and now all of sudden I hear they may be going to Canada? What the shit, man! I pay 4,000 shekels for a broom closet in Tel...

Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time

Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time

Following last week’s “March of Return” in Gaza, Palestinians say they are almost positive that this time marching, burning tires, and throwing rocks will pressure Israel to concede to their demands. One protester explained, “Both my father and grandfather marched and threw rocks before me, and I proudly carry on this 70-year tradition. But, I am happy to say that I truly believe that this is the last year. Inshallah, 2018 will be the year that throwing rocks over the...

Broadcasting Fake News From Jail

Broadcasting Fake News From Jail

This week’s Mideast Beast Podcast is being broadcast from jail, as it is now a crime to broadcast fake news. Or is this fake news? It is… for now. Hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss the real news about fake news and how it is affecting the world, the media and the people. From Malaysia, where fake news legislation will make it a crime to broadcast fake news, punishable up to six years in jail, to the Middle East...