Well That Went About as Well as Expected…

Well That Went About as Well as Expected…

Global markets, world leaders, and leading experts are breathing a collective sigh of relief as the latest peace plan, proposed by Pinocchio cosplayer of the year Jared Kushner, is turning out not to be the ‘Deal of the Century’. Middle East commentator Steve Kotkin said, “Frankly it would have been a massive pain in the ass if they’d pulled this off. A real ‘experts no nothing’ moment. Luckily for us it’s gone pretty much as expected. Which is to say,...

Iran Offers Democratic Party Election Help

Iran Offers Democratic Party Election Help

After the Iowa Democratic vote-counting debacle, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has offered his election expertise to the Democratic Party. “We would like to reciprocate the Democratic candidates’ warm feelings towards our regime by offering our expertise in running completely flawless elections. Iran can help make the Democratic Party great again,” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “It has not escaped our notice that the Democratic Party candidates showed their righteous discontent with the Trump clown’s murder of our beloved...

Trump: ‘I Have Done More for America than George Washington’

Trump: ‘I Have Done More for America than George Washington’

In his annual State of the Union Speech, President Trump declared that he has done more for America than George Washington ever did. President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast, which he called his “second favorite fake news source, after Fox & Friends.” “Honestly, nobody has done more for America than me. What did George Washington do for America? He left a bad deal with Britain, fought a few imperial redcoats and founded our great republic. Big deal. I left...

Israeli Government To Allow Coronavirus Into Country; Less Annoying Than Ariel Gold

Israeli Government To Allow Coronavirus Into Country; Less Annoying Than Ariel Gold

The Israeli interior ministry decided that, after careful consideration, it has no choice but to allow the Chinese coronavirus into the country. The ministry said this weekend that it wasn’t capable of keeping the disease out of the country and that it wouldn’t because the virus has yet to communicate any support for the BDS movement. In the last year Israel has courted several controversies by denying entry to those that it deemed didn’t support it’s right to exist. An...

Palestinians Chill as They Realize American Leadership’s Shaky Grasp of Geography

Palestinians Chill as They Realize American Leadership’s Shaky Grasp of Geography

Palestinian leadership are tonight taking on a more relaxed attitude to the latest proposed peace deal as they realize that the US President has a limited knowledge of his own country’s geography, let alone places not well-endowed with golf courses and high-end burger joints. A spokesman for the PLO commented, “We are now more willing to believe that Mr. Trump simply has confused Palestine and Israel with New York and New Jersey. Where they are basically the same but different,...

US Deep State Secretary Putin Vows to Preserve Mideast Stability

US Deep State Secretary Putin Vows to Preserve Mideast Stability

US Deep State Secretary Vladimir Putin, who also happens to be the President of Russia, vows to preserve stability in the Middle East. The move comes after Putin expressed concern that his presidency may end by 2060. Putin outlined his Middle East vision to The Mideast Beast. “In an occasionally unstable Middle East, stability is a fundamental human right. I urged Netanyahu not to overreact to Iran’s assertive cultural expansion from Beirut to Baghdad and beyond.” Putin, who recently consulted...

Bloomberg Asks TruNews How Whole ‘Jew Coup’ Thing Works

Bloomberg Asks TruNews How Whole ‘Jew Coup’ Thing Works

Former New York City Mayor and Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg lashed out at far-right news site TruNews for warning of a potential “Jew coup,” calling it a baseless conspiracy theory and adding, “besides, if it was a real thing, how exactly would it work?” “As a Jewish American, I am shocked and offended that President Trump would credential an organization that promotes such offensive anti-Semitic tropes,” Bloomberg said. “There is no such thing as a ‘Jew coup,’ but if...

Bernie Sanders Celebrates World Hijab Day, Detained at JFK Airport

Bernie Sanders Celebrates World Hijab Day, Detained at JFK Airport

Seeking to boost his progressive pre-election credentials, a Hijab-clad Bernie Sanders was accidentally detained at JFK airport on World Hijab Day. JFK’s security manager told The Mideast Beast, “We mistakenly believed that Mr. Sanders was an activated female Jihad terrorist from a Cuban terrorist cell. We heard something ticking suspiciously inside his socialist hijab.” A fuming Sanders told The Mideast Beast, “The security was so rude that I almost thought that I was in Israel. In solidarity with oppressed communities,...

After Abbas Cuts Ties With the US, Bernie Suggests Five-State Solution

After Abbas Cuts Ties With the US, Bernie Suggests Five-State Solution

Bernie Sanders has vowed to present a five-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict when he becomes president of the United States. The statement comes after Mahmoud Abbas announced that he is cutting ties with the US over Donald Trump’s Deal of the Century, which lays out a plan for a two-state solution. “We’ve informed the Israeli side…that there will be no relations at all with them and the United States, including security ties,” Abbas said. “Trump’s so-called ‘peace deal’ is...

Tlaib Disappointed to Learn Lizzo Not Saying ‘Blame it on the Jews’

Tlaib Disappointed to Learn Lizzo Not Saying ‘Blame it on the Jews’

Democratic Rep. Rashida Tlaib has demanded that the iTunes store refund her purchase of Lizzo’s new hit single “Juice” after the congresswoman discovered the singer is not saying “Blame it on the Jews.” Tlaib said she heard the popular song on the radio and rushed to purchase the single due to what she believed was its powerful message. “I thought that I had stumbled upon more than a catchy tune. This was my entire political platform set to music,” Tlaib...

Warren Vows to Get a Disabled Transgender Illegal Immigrant’s Approval Before Any Military Action

Warren Vows to Get a Disabled Transgender Illegal Immigrant’s Approval Before Any Military Action

In a bid to appeal to her party’s most progressive voters, Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren has promised to seek the approval of a disabled transgender Muslim illegal immigrant before authorizing any military action in the Middle East. Her statement came a day after she said she would only appoint a Secretary of Education that was approved by a young transgender person at a campaign stop in Iowa. She was later asked about her Middle East policy. “How are you...

Netanyahu Vows to Bring Back Israel’s 10 Lost Tribes, If They Promise to Vote for Him

Netanyahu Vows to Bring Back Israel’s 10 Lost Tribes, If They Promise to Vote for Him

In a bid to win the upcoming elections, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has vowed to bring back Israel’s 10 lost tribes, if they promise to vote for him. The announcement comes after Netanyahu brought back Naama Issachar, a 27-year-old dual American-Israeli citizen, who had been jailed in a Russian prison for carrying 9.5 grams of marijuana which was found in her luggage at Moscow airport. In addition to bringing back Naama, Netanyahu has also said that he will bring home...

Trump Peace Plan Gives Israel, Palestine Back to Turks

Trump Peace Plan Gives Israel, Palestine Back to Turks

In a move that stunned both Israelis and Palestinians, US President Donald Trump unveiled a proposed peace plan that returns the entire region to Turkish control. “I was going to have this whole elaborate plan to create a Palestinian state in the West Bank, and build a tunnel to Gaza, and all this really confusing stuff that frankly was very boring,” Trump said, referring to a previous proposal released earlier in the week. “But I talked to my friend Reggie,”...

Deal of the Century Revealed: Trump and Bibi Share Jerusalem

Deal of the Century Revealed: Trump and Bibi Share Jerusalem

President Trump has declared Jerusalem “shared real estate” for Prime Minister Netanyahu and himself. The groundbreaking recognition constitutes a central component in Trump’s “Deal of the Century” Mideast peace plan. President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast after taking time off from his busy impeachment trial schedule. “It’s a historic and super fair deal, perhaps the last chance to achieve peace between pro and anti-impeachment crowds. Both sides will work closely with Mahmoud Abbas, a great guy, a talented kleptocrat...

Prince Charles Opens up About Beauty of Iran, Finding His True Calling

Prince Charles Opens up About Beauty of Iran, Finding His True Calling

Prince Charles has announced that he would like to visit Iran. The announcement came in the wake of continued civilian protests against the Iranian regime. “Yes, obviously I would like to [go to Iran],” Prince Charles told the Sunday Times, “I know that Iran – first as Persia and then as the Islamic Republic of Iran – has been such an important part of the world for many centuries and has contributed so much to human knowledge, culture, poetry, and...

203rd Mideast Peace Proposal Set to be as Successful as the Last 202

203rd Mideast Peace Proposal Set to be as Successful as the Last 202

The Trump Israeli-Palestinian peace proposal has been confidently described by experts as highly likely to be just as good and long lasting as the two hundred or so that have proceeded it since 1967. A spokesman for Jared Kushner, special adviser to the President for the Middle East, and the wooden boy that was promised he could be a real boy if this plan works, commented, “Clearly if you absolutely refuse to study any history it’s remarkably easy to convince...

Dog Lovers Condemn Abbas for Calling Trump a Dog

Dog Lovers Condemn Abbas for Calling Trump a Dog

Horrified dog lovers condemned PLO chief Mahmoud Abbas for calling President Donald Trump a dog. The strong response comes after Abbas reacted to Trump’s “Deal of the Century” Mideast peace plan by stating, “Trump is a dog and the son of a dog.” Twitter is already swamped with the new hashtag #PetToo. Brad Pitt-Bull, chairman of the organization “Hollywood for Pet Rights”, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “We are shocked that anyone could be so cruel to compare our beloved...

Rashida Tlaib Condemns Israel for Killing Mr. Peanut

Rashida Tlaib Condemns Israel for Killing Mr. Peanut

A day after retweeting and later deleting a post falsely accusing Israelis of kidnapping and killing an eight-year-old Palestinian boy, US Rep. Rashida Tlaib has now blamed Israel for the death of popular Planters mascot Mr. Peanut. “Sad to see Mr. Peanut thrown off a cliff by a herd of violent Israeli settlers,” Tlaib tweeted, citing a tweet by anonymous twitter used @MelGibsonFan69. “First Jesus, then Arafat, and now Mr. Peanut – when will it end?” Mr. Peanut had in...

In Israel for Holocaust Commemoration, Macron Holds Hands With Holocaust Denier

In Israel for Holocaust Commemoration, Macron Holds Hands With Holocaust Denier

More than 40 world leaders gathered at the Yad Vashem Holocaust memorial center in Jerusalem last week to commemorate the Holocaust and the 75th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. ”Those who died oblige us to tell the truth… All of us [are] determined to work against [Holocaust] denial…” French President Emmanuel Macron told the gathered presidents, prime ministers and monarchs. During his visit to Israel, Macron met with Mahmoud Abbas, leader of the Palestinian Authority. In 1984, Abbas published...

US and Israeli Leaders Meet to Swap Prison Tips

US and Israeli Leaders Meet to Swap Prison Tips

Insiders have admitted that a much-anticipated meeting between Israeli and US leaders to launch the latest peace plan with the Palestinians, is in truth just a great opportunity to get ‘big-house’ ready. A spokesman for the White House commented, “The President is excited to have someone to show off his first attempts at home made shanks which he’s crafted from a nine-iron, and the ‘America First’ tattoo that Trump Jr. has inked across his back. He’s confident the bald eagle...