Israel ‘Insufferably Smug’ That They Enjoy Better Saudi Relations Than Canada

Israel ‘Insufferably Smug’ That They Enjoy Better Saudi Relations Than Canada

Canadian sources have expressed jealousy, regarding Israel’s comparatively positive relationship with Saudi Arabia, in the wake of the latter’s fierce backlash to the Canadian government’s critique of the Gulf Arab state’s human rights record. “Like, we were only saying what everyone else was thinking about their shitty human rights situation”, one Canadian government official said. “But, the Saudis get all touchy and before you know it, we’re left out in the cold. And we Canadians know all about cold. But...

DC ‘Unite the Right’ Rally Overshadowed by Larger Pro-ISIS Vegan Furry Protest

DC ‘Unite the Right’ Rally Overshadowed by Larger Pro-ISIS Vegan Furry Protest

White supremacists who trekked to Washington DC for their annual ‘Unite the Right’ rally are complaining that their massive gathering was overshadowed by an even larger group of pro-ISIS vegan furries rallying for tax-exempt ethanol subsidies. “Supporters from across the nation joined us to secure the existence of our people and a future for our white children, but those damn jihadi furries had to pick the same day for their rally,” Richard Spencer, director of the white supremacist National Policy...

Omarosa Claims She Saw Trump Praying Five Times a Day, Taking Flight Lessons

Omarosa Claims She Saw Trump Praying Five Times a Day, Taking Flight Lessons

In the latest bombshell from her recently published book, former White House aide and reality TV star Omarosa Manigault claims that she witnessed President Donald Trump praying towards Mecca five times a day and sneaking out of the White House to take flying lessons. Omarosa’s claim is her most startling to date, following allegations that the president used racial slurs and was seen eating a piece of paper given to him by former lawyer Michael Cohen. “He would wake up at...

Alex Jones Delivers Rational and Thoughtful Response to Internet Ban

Alex Jones Delivers Rational and Thoughtful Response to Internet Ban

In a surprising turn of events, internet talk show host Alex Jones has released a thoughtful and eloquent response to the broad social media Info Wars ban. In a video posted to his website early this morning, Mr. Jones calmly and clearly explained his thoughts on being banned from Apple, YouTube, and Facebook. “In hindsight, I realize that claiming that the US Government’s secret ‘gay bomb’ was leaking and turning the fish gay, without providing real concrete evidence may have undermined...

Poll: Most ‘Liberal’ Zionists Secretly Hope Occupation Never Ends

Poll: Most ‘Liberal’ Zionists Secretly Hope Occupation Never Ends

Despite vocal opposition to Israeli control over the West Bank, most Israeli Jews who outwardly express support for a Palestinian state actually think it would be a disaster, according to a report by a Tel Aviv-based think tank. The findings are based on a poll conducted by the Israel Democracy Center among 2,000 self-described ‘Liberal’ Zionists in Israel. “We want to feel good about ourselves – and no one likes so-called ‘apartheid’ supporters in London, Amsterdam and Berlin, my favorite...

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

As Gay Pride marches take place around the globe, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast doubt over the veracity of the survey in light of the social conservatism of the city which lies at the heart of the Islamic world. The poll organizers have admitted that the company they hired...

ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ALABAMA – Sharia Twain, the rapidly emerging Salafi-Jihadi country music queen, has launched her US tour in Birmingham, Alabama. The music star is expected to unveil her new single, “Mammas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Shiites.” Originally from Raqqa, Sharia Twain grew up listening to Tim McGraw and the Dixie Chicks in the days before the establishment of the Islamic State. In an interview, the country music star remarked, “I’ve loved country music but I always knew...

Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison

Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison

Hell, Near Tampa Florida – From the fiery depths of the underworld, the worst person in history sits steaming in his less-than-kampfy chair. But Adolf isn’t boiling as a result of his eternal punishment; rather he’s furious at being compared with the mango-Mussolini, the Cheeto-in-Chief, the President of the United States of America. “NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! How dare they compare me to zis nincompoop! Das Donald is an amateur compared to me! He can’t even properly deport illegals like I could. He’s...

Jerusalem Queer Eye for the Straight Rabbi

Jerusalem Queer Eye for the Straight Rabbi

Getting your ass flogged may sound like the latest sex trend, but in the Middle East, it most likely means you were caught being gay, and lucky you weren’t executed. So what is it like to be gay in Jerusalem, the epicenter of controversy and all that is holy (that’s what he said)? On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast, Religious Gay Rights Activist, Nadav Schwartz, talks about the Rabbis who think gays are perverts destroying society, holding hands in public,...

ISIS Leader Furious After He’s Pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen

ISIS Leader Furious After He’s Pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is calling for a boycott of Showtime after the Islamic Caliph admitted he was pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen’s series “Who is America?” Baghdadi, who announced the formation of the Islamic State in April 2013, said he was led to believe he was being honored by fictional Israeli TV station “Yerushalayim Television” for its 70 at 70 program honoring pro-Israel leaders. “Since ISIS was created by the Mossad to attack Iran and sow discard across...

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

In a rare call for restraint from the terrorist group, ISIS’ leadership has criticized the UK’s Labour party for its anti-Semitic rhetoric, calling recent comments and online posts from the party’s leaders “a bit much.” “Listen, we hate the Jews as much as anyone, but you can’t just go around calling for Israel to be relocated to America, or saying Hitler was a Zionist,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “You have to show some sensitivity. Hell,...

IDF Finally Looking for a Few Ugly Women

IDF Finally Looking for a Few Ugly Women

As the possible ceasefire with Hamas looms over Israelis and Palestinians, it actually has caused some to question the fighting ability of the Israel Defense Force (IDF). “The problem is the women,” according to Tel Aviv resident Yona Ballwax. “Israeli women are just too attractive. Everyone knows that an ugly woman will distract a Palestinian. The more they look like goats, the better for the war. But they don’t. They’re annoyingly hot!” The American Army has confronted a similar predicament. “In general, ugly...

Israel on Syria Chemical Expert Assassination: “Why Does Everyone Think It’s Us?”

Israel on Syria Chemical Expert Assassination: “Why Does Everyone Think It’s Us?”

In the wake of the assassination of Syrian chemical weapons expert, Aziz Azbar, Israel has been on the defensive about its alleged role in the affair. Numerous international press organisations and political actors have pointed fingers at the Jewish State for being behind the attack. “Why does everyone think it’s us?”, one Israeli government spokesperson protested. “First, who says there was any foul play involved anyway. It’s very common for cars to spontaneously explode, particularly in this hot weather we’ve...

Trump Botches Response to Erdogan, Bans Export of Turkeys

Trump Botches Response to Erdogan, Bans Export of Turkeys

In a confused response to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s sanctions on American officials, US President Donald Trump announced a ban on the import and export of turkeys. Furious over news of Erdogan’s sanctions and the imprisonment of Andrew Brunson, an American pastor arrested in Turkey, Trump insisted that the US would boycott the fowl in retaliation. Advisors’ desperate attempts to explain that the Republic of Turkey had nothing to do with the large indigenous birds were in vain, as...

Eric Trump Detained by ICE

Eric Trump Detained by ICE

It has emerged that the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Eric Trump, alleged son of the President, at the US-Mexican border. Witnesses on the border recall seeing an ugly and ashamed collection of hair gel, which is believed to be Eric. “He wasn’t even trying to cross,” claimed and eyewitness. “He was just on the American side and his family kinda of just handed him over to the agents. It reminded me of when you see people abandoning...

“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event

“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event

“Definitely Not ISIS” has filed for a license to stage a free-speech rally later this month. The event will host prominent speakers from the Middle East and further afield. “We think that even if you don’t agree with what we have to say, we certainly deserve the right to say it,” Abu Bakr al-Newyorki, the organization’s spokesperson, told The Mideast Beast. “If you value freedom of speech like we do, then show up to the event and support us. Just an FYI, no...

World in Total Shock That Qatar’s World Cup Bid Was Corrupt

World in Total Shock That Qatar’s World Cup Bid Was Corrupt

International observers have expressed complete shock and astonishment at news that has confirmed that Qatar engaged in black ops campaign tactics and broke FIFA rules in order to win the bid to host the World Cup. “Shocked doesn’t even cover it”, one FIFA spokesperson said. “We’re simply astounded that Qatar used former CIA agents and PR agencies to spread fake propaganda about its competitors. In fact, when it was originally announced that Qatar would be hosting the 2022 World Cup...

Hamas Ends Space Programme After Iron Dome Intercepts Rockets

Hamas Ends Space Programme After Iron Dome Intercepts Rockets

Hamas has rebuked Israel for using their Iron Dome rocket defence system to intercept rockets which the organization claimed were not aimed at Israeli civilians but were in fact part of a fledgling space programme. “We’ve spent more than a decade trying to develop rockets which can successfully kill or maim Israeli civilians and it’s largely gone to waste since we’ve hardly killed anyone”, one Hamas spokesman said. “So, figuring that we didn’t want all our rocket expertise to go...

Baghdad Bob Says He’s ‘a Bit Worried’ About Giuliani

Baghdad Bob Says He’s ‘a Bit Worried’ About Giuliani

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, the former Iraqi Information Minister under Saddam, better known as “Baghdad Bob” for his outlandish claims during the US invasion of Iraq, told The Mideast Beast that he was “starting to get a bit worried” about former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani over his defense of US President Donald Trump. “Listen, I know that sometimes you have to stick your neck out in defense of your egomaniacal dictator boss, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere,”...

Mummy Unearthed Grasping BlackBerry Smartphone

Mummy Unearthed Grasping BlackBerry Smartphone

The recently discovered cavity in the Egyptian pyramids contained an ancient relic, archaeologists have revealed. Dr. Jackie Jackson, who led the research organized by BATY, the British Archaeological Team Youth, told The Mideast Beast: We found this mysterious item called a ‘Blackberry’. Apparently, they were very popular in the past, but it must’ve been well before my time.” “The Mummy was holding up the item to its ear, but we were confused by the absence of a touchscreen. After extensive...