“Hashtag Snowflakes”. New TMB Podcast!

“Hashtag Snowflakes”. New TMB Podcast!

On this episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, conservative political commentator Ben Shapiro calls the new wave of anarchists, known as Antifa, just a bunch of #snowflakes. And while it may not be a natural disaster, it will naturally be a disaster when the commentator comes to UC Berkeley’s campus to speak on September 14th. The school is offering free counseling, but will that be enough when it comes to free speech in today’s political climate? Hosts Molly Livingstone and...

‘If I Can’t Watch Incest Porn on 9/11, the Terrorists Have Won,’ Cruz Says

‘If I Can’t Watch Incest Porn on 9/11, the Terrorists Have Won,’ Cruz Says

Defending his decision to ‘like’ a pornographic post on Twitter Monday, US senator Ted Cruz insisted his action was proof that he would not let terrorism stop him from living his life. “Our nation’s founders risked their lives for our right to live in freedom, to establish our own government, and to stream video of a good-looking young man having a threesome with his girlfriend and her attractive middle-aged stepmom on our lunch break,” Cruz told The Mideast Beast. “If...

The ‘Crying Jihadi’ Wants a Safe-Space: “I’m Just a Goddamn Human Being”

The ‘Crying Jihadi’ Wants a Safe-Space: “I’m Just a Goddamn Human Being”

Infamous ISIS ethnic cleansing extraordinaire is seeking a safe-place to have his feelings validated. I spoke with former ISIS member, Abu al-Cantwell from the cell he occupies in former battleground of al-Charlottesville. Sobbing like a 3-year old, the ‘crying-jihadi’ wails, “Why is everybody being so mean! All I want is an entirely homogenous ‘religious ethno-state,’ based on our interpretation of the Quran that extends across the world. And because of that everybody is being really, really mean. I’m just a...

Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

The Mideast Beast is announcing several cutbacks following the continued buffoonery of President Donald Trump. Although the President has condemned the publication as “fake, maybe even the fakest news”, it was not his censure, but his actions, which have led to the dramatic restructuring at The Mideast Beast. Senior Researcher at the Washington Institute of Funny Shit on the Internet, Dr. Fanny Josiah, stated in a research report that The Mideast Beast has got off lightly, as satirists worldwide have...

UC Berkeley Offers Assisted Suicide to Students Offended by Shapiro Talk

UC Berkeley Offers Assisted Suicide to Students Offended by Shapiro Talk

After learning that intensive counseling had failed to heal many of the deep emotional wounds caused by the event, the University of California at Berkeley is now offering assisted suicide to students threatened by conservative journalist Ben Shapiro’s scheduled talk. “No student should ever feel threatened, harassed, or the least bit uncomfortable by being exposed to controversial or offensive ideas,” the university wrote in a letter to students. “Since such offense may be unavoidable with a Zionist Nazi like Shapiro...

Israel Reveals Missile Defense System Operated by Fat Kids Playing Video Games

Israel Reveals Missile Defense System Operated by Fat Kids Playing Video Games

The Israeli Defense Forces have disclosed that their state-of-the-art missile defense system is operated by fat Israeli kids playing video games. The Iron Dome system, which accurately targets enemy missiles and destroys them in mid-air, is one of Israel’s major defensive advancements of the past decade.  Gadi Eizenkot, the Chief of Staff gleefully explained the process to TMB: “We link up their PlayStations and X-Boxes to our national defense system. It’s a great way to save money on staff, plus...

Vegan Discovers Truth About Eid al-Adha, Starts Supporting Muslim Ban

Vegan Discovers Truth About Eid al-Adha, Starts Supporting Muslim Ban

A Californian vegan discovered the bloody truth about his supposed ‘Muslim friends’ when they invited him to join them in celebrating the Sacrifice Feast. Though they were aware of his vegan background, they mistakenly hoped their friendship and his belief in tolerance and equality would prevail over his vegan ideology. Dinner went smoothly until the second course when the vegan asked his hosts to tell him the story behind Eid Al-Adha. Once he realized ‘sacrifice feast’ referred to the literal...

From Westboro Church to Hollywood – Hate. Twitter. Love. How?

From Westboro Church to Hollywood – Hate. Twitter. Love. How?

From an online raging twitter battle to the red carpets of Hollywood, check out this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast with David Abitbol, a Jewish blogger whose tweets went from fighting with Megan Phelps-Roper, the granddaughter of the anti-gay Westboro Baptist Church, to real life friendship and now the big screen. How did Abitbol change her mind 140 characters at a time? And does he have the simple social media answer to Mideast Peace? (Probably not, but now you have to...

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALS Ever Think About Them

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALS Ever Think About Them

During a planning session of the Al-Qaeda leadership in Pakistan, one field commander wondered out loud: “Do you think the Navy SEALS still think about us?” Al-Qaeda leadership have noticed that the SEALS hadn’t visited or called in a few months, and were starting to get worried that perhaps their relationship wasn’t as stable as they thought. When President Trump took office, they were looking forward to more midnight raids by special operations forces, but since January they’ve been feeling…...

Al Qaeda Leader Blasts ISIS in New Memoir

Al Qaeda Leader Blasts ISIS in New Memoir

Saying that Islamic State caused “lasting damage” to the global jihadi movement, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri has unloaded on his ISIS counterparts in a new memoir. “Everything that we did, ISIS just kept trying to one-up us,” Zawahiri complains in the book. “We proposed declaring a caliphate once we unite the lands of Islam, and they said ‘Well, we’ll declare it immediately.’ We proposed killing all the Jews and Christians, and they said, ‘We’ll kill the Shiites too.’” ISIS’s...

Al-Qaeda Opens Doors to Flood Victims; Condemns Osteen

Al-Qaeda Opens Doors to Flood Victims; Condemns Osteen

In the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, Houston residents have received help from an unlikely source.  While a media frenzy developed over Pastor Joel Osteen’s refusing to open the doors of his mega church to flood victims, the assistance that Al-Qaeda was giving went unnoticed. Under the radar and without delay, Al-Qaeda opened the doors to its huge training and recruitment complex in the middle of the city.  “We didn’t wait to be asked, we just helped, it was the right...

Former ISIS Sex Slave Struggles with New Life

Former ISIS Sex Slave Struggles with New Life

Somewhere in Ohio – Djali stands quietly in a grassy field, adjacent to her small house. She stares at the horizon, says nothing, breaking the stillness only to reach down to half-heartedly tug at the browning grass. This is because Djali is a former ISIS sex slave who was freed during the liberation of Mosul. After being taken in by a rescue agency, she now struggles to adapt to her new home on Elderberry Farms. One aid worker recalled Djali’s...

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has instructed lawyers to commence legal action against the state of Texas. A letter sent to Governor Greg Abbott outlines the case, “Our client objects to your attempts to take on the mantle of the birthplace of the ‘end of days’ with your so-called ‘biblical’ flood. It is a well-established fact that the end of the world will only commence within the confines of our region. Read your bible, people!” A spokesperson for the terror...

First Lady to Join Dictators’ Wives Club

First Lady to Join Dictators’ Wives Club

The Dictators’ Wives Club announced today that Melania Trump will be inducted at its next meeting.  This is a historic event as the USA has never been represented in the elite group.  When asked what prompted the decision a spokesperson commented, “President Trump felt he was losing ground as an aspiring dictator and begged us to let her in.  He initially showed signs of becoming a great dictator, but then we started having our doubts.  After his comments on Charlottesville...

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

The sinking of an ‘unsinkable ship’ always raises suspicion, and where there is suspicion, there is the ZIONIST PLOT. It permeates everything we do, only noticed by those who pay attention. The story of the Titanic is one of the best told and well known in the entire world. Despite being ‘unsinkable’, on April 14, 1912, the Titanic ‘accidentally’ struck an iceberg, killing 1,517 passengers. The Titanic never reached its destination. Because of THE ZIONISTS. What many people don’t know...

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

“I mean, just look around. Open your eyes people!” Steven Goldstein told The Mideast Beast (TMB). Goldstein, a self-proclaimed, tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist from south Florida, requested a meeting with TMB to discuss one of his newest theories. “They’re controlling everything. You think you’re a unique individual? Wrong. You’re just a cog in their world domination machine. Your whole life, all your efforts are just fuel for their continued rule.” Goldstein is referring to non-Jews, who he believes control the world’s...

Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion

Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion

“What emotion are they feeling?!” asked a befuddled Twitter user earlier today following the release of a new emojis series from Apple. Featuring niqab-clad faces displaying a wide range of emotions for users to choose from, the new emojis came with a statement from Apple, explaining the additions. According to the tech giant, “After we introduced more racially sensitive emoji faces, it just made sense to extend that inclusiveness to different religions as well.”  And while many have applauded the...

ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously

ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously

In a recent interview, former adult movie star Mia Khalifa said that she had been receiving death threats from ISIS and has seen photo-shopped pictures online of herself being beheaded. Khalifa made headlines in the past for participating in an adult video wearing a Hijab and has angered some over several Lebanese nationalistic tattoos as well as a Lebanese Flag on her body. An ISIS spokesman has expressed outrage over her actions saying: “I heard from a friend that these...

Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea

Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea

Following North Korea’s recent launch of a missile over northern Japan, Iranian generals have noted to reporters that they are jealous that the ‘Hermit Kingdom’ has begun taking such dramatic action. As tensions soar between North Korea and the US, many of them noted that they were experiencing extreme feelings of ‘FOMO,’ and began to question why their country had ever signed a nuclear deal. “It’s not fair,” General Haziz Ashkan told reporters, “We should have balls like the North...

Trump Pardons ISIS Leader, ‘A Patriot Who Kept the Caliphate Safe’

Trump Pardons ISIS Leader, ‘A Patriot Who Kept the Caliphate Safe’

MARICOPA, AL-ARIZONASTAN — On Friday, President Trump pardoned controversial ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, commenting that his “only crime was protecting the Caliphate from non-believers.” “Despite the failing New York Times’ description of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his aggressive efforts to hunt down and detain infidels, Abu was only attempting to protect his citizens and land,” Trump said in a press release. In an editorial, Breitbart.com defended Trump’s decision. “So, he ordered his men to pull over people who looked...