Al-Baghdadi Disappoints at First Caliphate Debate

Al-Baghdadi Disappoints at First Caliphate Debate

ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s disappointing performance in the first Caliphate debate has opened the door for the other candidates in the 2020 Caliph race, as Baghdadi was hammered by his opponents for his soft stands on religious minorities, execution and women’s rights. Baghdadi, who entered the debate with a large lead in the polls after restoring the Islamic Caliphate, touted his success in his first term in office. “Are you better off now than you were four years ago?”...

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise

Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 76 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just as well as any heroic male martyr would have, but instead of the 72 virgins the Quran promises us, I only got 55,” said Hayat...

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, FLORIDA — Calling it a breeding ground for terrorism and a threat to national security, US President Donald Trump said shutting down the Morocco Pavilion in Disney World’s Epcot theme park is his next priority. “Why did President Obama let a country full of Muslim jihadis occupy American soil in Orlando?” Trump wrote in an early morning tweet. “This is why America is LOSING! SAD!” Trump, who once promised to ban all Muslims from travelling to the U.S., said he...

Warren Promises Reparations for People Who Don’t Like Falafel

Warren Promises Reparations for People Who Don’t Like Falafel

Noting that the rising popularity of the chickpea-based dish has placed a burden on Americans who do not have a taste for it, Massachusetts senator and Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren has come out for reparations for anyone who does not like falafel. Warren made the promise at Wednesday night’s Democratic debate, just days after calling for reparations for gay Americans. “While Americans like me who like falafel have benefited, I can see how it could be annoying if you...

Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee

Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee

Rapper Drake and supermodel Gigi Hadid have been spotted at a Hollywood Starbucks discussing their views on the Israel-Palestine conflict. Drake, who is half Jewish, believes in Israel’s right to remain a Jewish state. Hadid, whose father is Palestinian, believes in an end to the occupation and a one-state solution. The two were spotted around noon during the middle of a respectful, intellectual discussion. Drake later told The Mideast Beast, “Gigi taught me so much about what the Palestinian people...

Syria Renames Town ‘Khamenei Heights’ Just out of Spite

Syria Renames Town ‘Khamenei Heights’ Just out of Spite

A spokesman for the Syrian government has announced that they will be renaming the town of Ruweihina in the Syrian Golan Heights ‘Khamenei Heights’. The decision comes after Israel named a new settlement in the area ‘Trump Heights’ to show gratitude to what the President of the United States has done for Israel such as pulling out of the Iran deal, moving its Embassy away from all the sexy beach people, and possibly destabilizing the region for years. Syria decided...

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

“I mean, just look around. Open your eyes people!” Steven Goldstein told The Mideast Beast (TMB). Goldstein, a self-proclaimed, tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist from south Florida, requested a meeting with TMB to discuss one of his newest theories. “They’re controlling everything. You think you’re a unique individual? Wrong. You’re just a cog in their world domination machine. Your whole life, all your efforts are just fuel for their continued rule.” Goldstein is referring to non-Jews, who he believes control the world’s...

ISIS Leader Resigns Amid Allegations of Respecting Women

ISIS Leader Resigns Amid Allegations of Respecting Women

ISIS was dealt a crippling political blow on Tuesday when its senior leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, resigned amid numerous allegations of respectful treatment of women. One accuser even described him allowing a female hostage to drive a motor vehicle. Another claimed he was known to not only ask, but to wait for consent before engaging in sexual acts. ISIS issued a rare public comment, saying, “We have a clear moral stance against the fair and dignified treatment of women, and...

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

A group of white, middle-class Brooklynite liberals is trying to shut down all falafel shops in New York City, as “allowing Arab food to be sold outside of the Middle East is essentially cultural appropriation.” Inspired by a movement in Oregon, which is shaming ethnic-food establishments run by white people in the Portland area, the Brooklynites explained their more severe stance: “It’s not enough to stop white people from selling Arab food. We need to stop the chauvinist market of...

Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran

Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran

Apparently unaware that the drone destroyed by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards was unmanned, US President Donald Trump praised the “brave and patriotic pilot senselessly killed” and promised payback would be swift. Puzzlingly, Trump even said that he had spoken to the family of the pilot to offer his condolences. “They told me, Donald, you are doing a tremendous job, crooked Hillary never would have called us,” Trump recalled. “We are going to make Iran pay, believe me. Now if he...

AOC Calls Hilton Hotel a Concentration Camp After Room Service Arrives Late

AOC Calls Hilton Hotel a Concentration Camp After Room Service Arrives Late

In a scathing one-star TripAdvisor review, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called the Hilton Hotel in Washington D.C. “literally a concentration camp” after her room service order arrived nearly 15 minutes late. “Just like the knotsies (sic) starved the Jews in the Holocaust, the Hilton is refusing to bring me my breakfast omelette in a timely manner, putting my health, and therefore my life, at risk,” Ocasio-Cortez wrote. “It is hard to believe I am in an actual concentration camp.” The post...

Alabama Chemical Castration Law “Inspiring”, Say Middle Eastern Nations

Alabama Chemical Castration Law “Inspiring”, Say Middle Eastern Nations

In a ringing endorsement bound to get enlightened liberal nations profoundly optimistic about the trajectory of social policy in the United States, some of the Middle East’s most brutal regimes have praised Alabama’s chemical castration law as “inspiring”, saying that they “have every intention of emulating such a form of punishment as soon as possible.” Many of the region’s regimes are looking at introducing the procedure as a form of punishment for multiple crimes, and not just those involving child...

Ocasio-Cortez Compares Basic Economics Textbook to Mein Kampf

Ocasio-Cortez Compares Basic Economics Textbook to Mein Kampf

Freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is once again under fire for minimizing the holocaust after she referred to the book “Basic Economics” as “pretty much the same thing as” Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler’s manifesto. Ocasio-Cortez has already faced criticism after comparing the use of tear gas to the Nazis’ use of cyanide gas and for likening migrant camps at the US-Mexico border to concentration camps. But she doubled down Wednesday after receiving a copy of “Basic Economics” by Thomas Sowell in the...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party

Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party

Following a fierce backlash against social media personality Kylie Jenner for her controversially themed Handmaid’s Tale party, an unsuspecting defender has come to her cause. Iran’s Supreme Leader has backed the party and its socialite host as “a rare example of a Western party which professes conservative Sharia values”. A spokesperson for the Islamic Republic’s highest office holder commented further, “as far as party themes go, the submission of women to a theocratic regime and the patriarchal overlords where blind...

Egypt Swears it Tortured Morsi No More than Usual

Egypt Swears it Tortured Morsi No More than Usual

Rejecting any responsibility for the death of the deposed leader, Egypt’s government vowed that former president Mohammed Morsi was not tortured any more than every other political prisoner held in the country. “Mr. Morsi died of natural causes, and any suggestion that his death was caused by his treatment in prison is reckless and completely unfounded,” a statement from President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi read. “Other than denying medical treatment, keeping him in solitary confinement, and occasionally waterboarding him while making him...

Golan Heights Town That Is Named After Trump Declares Bankruptcy

Golan Heights Town That Is Named After Trump Declares Bankruptcy

Just days after ground was broken in the new Golan Heights settlement, Trump Heights announced that it had no choice but to officially declare bankruptcy after billions of shekels of debt was discovered on its balance sheet. The move shocked auditors, who noted that the only construction to take place so far was a groundbreaking ceremony for a commemorative plaque. A list of expenditures in Chapter 9 documents revealed that most of the funding was spent on “Make America Great...

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long as the amount of government oppression does not exceed UN recommended levels. In one recent study, 47% of Americans thought...

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

The sinking of an ‘unsinkable ship’ always raises suspicion, and where there is suspicion, there is the ZIONIST PLOT. It permeates everything we do, only noticed by those who pay attention. The story of the Titanic is one of the best told and well known in the entire world. Despite being ‘unsinkable’, on April 14, 1912, the Titanic ‘accidentally’ struck an iceberg, killing 1,517 passengers. The Titanic never reached its destination. Because of THE ZIONISTS. What many people don’t know...

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Considers New Job as Spokeswoman for Netanyahu Government

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Considers New Job as Spokeswoman for Netanyahu Government

Outgoing White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders is considering a new podium from which to lie inform the public on matters of state. “I worked for liars, and I lied all of time to the press. It only seems logical to continue with my expertise and lie for another liar. After all, Netanyahu may be the greatest Prime Minister of Israel since founding father, David Ben-Gurion. It could even be said that no one has ever done a better job as Prime...

DJ Khaled Presents One-State Solution to Israel-Palestine Conflict: ‘WeTheBest-istan’

DJ Khaled Presents One-State Solution to Israel-Palestine Conflict: ‘WeTheBest-istan’

Speaking before a packed United Nations General Assembly, rapper-producer DJ Khaled has pitched a bold plan for resolving one of the world’s most intractable conflicts: the creation of a binational state in the Holy Land, with hip hop as its only religion. According to the Snapchat superpower’s peace proposal, Israel, the West Bank and Gaza Strip would be united as a single state called ‘WeTheBesti-istan’, with Khaled as President for Life and Jewish reggae superstar Matisyahu as Vice-President for Life. Khaled,...