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God Not Ready to Go Back to Work Yet
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God Not Ready to Go Back to Work Yet

In the US, Americans are demanding that they be allowed to go back to worshiping in churches, and in Israel, the Chief Rabbi is demanding that synagogues and other religious institutions be opened. Everyone is ready to get back to religious observance except for one important figure: God The Almighty One, blessed be He says that he is just not...

Iraq Obtains 99-year Hong Kong Lease, Promises Democracy and Prosperity

Iraq Obtains 99-year Hong Kong Lease, Promises Democracy and Prosperity

China has granted Iraq a 99-year lease for Hong Kong after the Baghdad regime promised to deliver “democracy, peace and prosperity” to the former British colony. The surprising development comes on the heels of ongoing US-Chinese tensions over Hong Kong’s status as autonomous from mainland China. China’s prominent human rights champion turned foreign minister Wang Yi, spoke to The Mideast...

Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas Ends all Agreements with Gravity

Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas Ends all Agreements with Gravity

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas announced that he is cutting off all ties with gravity. Abbas introduced the new policy in a meandering address from his palace in Ramallah. The canceling of all agreements with gravity comes days after Abbas announced that he is cutting off all ties with Israel, the two moves are interpreted as part of the same larger...

Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive
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Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive

Syrian President, and Russia’s personal puppet, Bashar Assad held an anticipatory memorial day for Syrians that he hasn’t killed yet. It comes on the heels of an unmasked President Trump and a masked Joe Biden who marked America’s Memorial Day this past Monday. An emotional Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from his recently revealed Damascus Institute for Inclusive Corona...

Assad Resigns as Syrian President to Launch Podcast
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Assad Resigns as Syrian President to Launch Podcast

Inspired by comedian Joe Rogan’s $100 million deal with Spotify, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad says he will resign his position as president to focus on launching a news and culture podcast. It is not clear what will happen when Assad, whose efforts to cling to power have left to more than half a million dead, exits politics, as the strongman...

Captured ISIS Commander: We Were Misunderstood Boy Scouts

Captured ISIS Commander: We Were Misunderstood Boy Scouts

Iraq recently announced that it had captured senior ISIS Commander Abdul Nasser Qardash. The Mideast Beast managed to speak briefly to Qardash over Zoom about his views of the terrorist organization of which he formed a central part. “ISIS was completely misunderstood”, said Qardash, “All we ever wanted, and our late leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi made this abundantly clear, was...

Netanyahu Mistakenly Annexes Palestine, Texas

Netanyahu Mistakenly Annexes Palestine, Texas

In a botched attempt to appease the right wing of his governing bloc, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has mistakenly annexed the City of Palestine, Texas. Netanyahu was seeking simply to make good on his recent promises to extend Israeli sovereignty to the Jordan Valley and certain Israeli settlements on land Palestinians hope will be part of a future state...

Deal to Turn Dome of the Rock Into Trump Hotel Falls Through

Deal to Turn Dome of the Rock Into Trump Hotel Falls Through

After three years of promising “the deal of the century”, Trump has revealed that his plan for Middle East peace centers around turning The Dome of the Rock shrine into a Trump Hotel. The President made it clear during negotiations last week that it is not worth lifting a city out of centuries of conflict if he can’t profit from...

Trump Declares Tanning Salons Essential
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Trump Declares Tanning Salons Essential

At a news conference on Saturday President Donald Trump said he will do everything in his power to force governors to open tanning salons across the country. The announcement came a day after the president declared churches essential, and is the latest step in the president’s strategy of opening up businesses that his voter base frequents. “Governors need to do...

Biden: Some of My Best Friends Are Black

Biden: Some of My Best Friends Are Black

Presumptive Democratic nominee for president, Joe Biden has been very busy apologizing for telling a black radio host that African-Americans “ain’t black, man!” if they are unsure who to support in November’s election. “Some of my best friends are black”, Biden told The Mideast Beast. “I am sorry that they now know how I really feel about them, just because...

Americans Learn About Israeli Politics, Start Appreciating the Electoral College

Americans Learn About Israeli Politics, Start Appreciating the Electoral College

Sarah Wokey has long thought the system for electing American presidents was ridiculous, but recently the young progressive activist from Seattle had a change of heart. “I found out our presidential model is much better than the parliamentary system,” she said. Wokey said she has followed Israeli politics for the past year, observing a handful of elections in just a...

Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology
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Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology

Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has decided to “embrace a simple Amish lifestyle free from Zionist technology.” The decision comes after Iran’s parliament unanimously passed a resolution banning any use of Israeli technology as a “crime against God.” Since Israeli technology is found in everything from laptops to smartphones, Iran’s supreme leader spoke to The Mideast Beast inside a 100...

ISIS Tasks Eric Trump to Pack Arenas with 50,000 Infidels

ISIS Tasks Eric Trump to Pack Arenas with 50,000 Infidels

ISIS has tasked Eric Trump to “pack arenas with 50.000 MAGA infidels.” The appointment comes after Trump Junior vented a cray-cray-level conspiracy theory over the slow reopening of some US states. “And they think they’re taking away Donald Trump’s greatest tool, which is being able to go into an arena and fill it with 50,000 people every single time, right?”...

President Trump to Posthumously Pardon Osama Bin Laden

President Trump to Posthumously Pardon Osama Bin Laden

Despite the COVID-19 pandemic raging on, president Trump has still found the time to pursue his longtime rivalry with former president Barack Obama.  This morning he announced that he would be posthumously pardoning the Saudi terrorist leader, Osama Bin Laden, made famous by masterminding the September 11, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. One of the...

AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat
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AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat

On Tuesday, US Attorney General and loyal Trump affiliate, William Barr made the shocking announcement that he would not be seeking charges against the bat who allegedly spawned the virus that caused the COVID-19 pandemic. The bat, who did not respond for our request to be interviewed, has previously plead guilty to infecting multiple patients in Wuhan China, the event...

Saudi’s Crown Prince Urges for Subtlety in Trump Government Purges
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Saudi’s Crown Prince Urges for Subtlety in Trump Government Purges

After Trump fired his Inspector General, a Health Department whistleblower, and a personal aid this month, his good friend and far more successful sociopath, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammad bin Salman (MBS), called him up to push the use of some subtlety in his power grabs. According to sources close to Trump, MBS calls every night for a...

Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer
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Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer

In recent weeks President Donald Trump has seriously escalated his war on science, data, the medical field, and logic. The president refused to wear a face mask, suggested that humans should inject disinfectants to combat Covid-19, and self-prescribed a Malaria medication unproven to cure coronavirus symptoms while testing negative for the disease, and he drank fish tank cleaner. These actions...