War

Donald Trump Clinches “Islamic State Recruiter of the Month”

Donald Trump Clinches “Islamic State Recruiter of the Month”

The ISIS-affiliated al-Amaq news agency has reported that Donald Trump has been named “recruiter of the month” this January. The statement read, “in recognition of superior recruiting efforts on the part of Donald J. Trump, we present this certificate of appreciation for his contribution to the cause of the Islamic State.” ISIS leaders, recruiters, and foot soldiers alike were stunned on Friday when Trump signed the Executive Order temporarily restricting immigration and refugees from seven countries. One ISIS soldier said,...

Al-Qaeda Launches ‘Name Your Resistance Group’ Startup Service in the U.S.

Al-Qaeda Launches ‘Name Your Resistance Group’ Startup Service in the U.S.

For a long time, Israel was branded as the ‘startup nation’, but there’s a new contender for the title: Al-Qaeda. Following the creation of ‘the resistance’ in the US as the progressive movement against Donald Trump, the terror group is launching a startup that aims to make the naming of your resistance group much easier. The service provides a various number of packages from the basic “I need to name my totally-not-a-terrorist group” to a complete package including a name,...

Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships

Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships

The Mossad, Israel’s international espionage agency has released a highly trained Kraken to harass and destroy Gazan fishing ships. In a statement released by a Mossad spokesperson, they admitted to previously training sharks to attack Egyptians in the Red sea, as well as eagles to spy on Hezbollah, and of course Flipper Goldstein, the Mossad dolphin to spy on Hamas. The spokesman explained, “Honestly, the naval blockade and constant searching of fishing vessels are getting old and we were really looking to bump things up...

ISIS Flees After Millions of Americans ‘Check In’ to Mosul on Facebook

ISIS Flees After Millions of Americans ‘Check In’ to Mosul on Facebook

A campaign by the Iraqi government to use Facebook to defeat ISIS has proven successful, as millions of social media “Check Ins” to the Iraqi city of Mosul has forced the terrorist group to flee. The breakthrough came after the Iraqi military urged Americans to post on Facebook claiming to be in Mosul in order to frighten and confuse ISIS fighters, echoing techniques used by the protestors from the Standing Rock Sioux tribe in North Dakota. The terrorist group had...

New ISIS Recruits Shocked to Discover Fellow Jihadists Aren’t Very Friendly

New ISIS Recruits Shocked to Discover Fellow Jihadists Aren’t Very Friendly

Fresh faced ISIS recruits arrived in Syria last week, eagerly awaiting what is sure to be an adventure of a lifetime, pillaging towns, murdering civilians who don’t meet an arbitrary definition of what it means to be Muslim, and of course building bonds and brotherhood with fellow ISIS fighters. As the new recruits joined the ranks, however, some started having second thoughts. “I was a little surprised,” one fighter was explained, under condition of anonymity fearing that his fellow Jihadists...

Lesjihadis Seize Saudi Border Region, Proclaim ‘Caliphate of Pussirabia’

Lesjihadis Seize Saudi Border Region, Proclaim ‘Caliphate of Pussirabia’

NAJRAN – Topless Kalashnikov-wielding militants patrol the streets, searching for pockets of resistance, while other units distribute food and water to thousands of refugees streaming into the fledgling ‘Islamo-feminist Caliphate of Pussirabia’ (‘Kussirabia’ in Arabic). Najran District was an ideal target, says Al-Kus Brigades General Aisha Al-Mahbala. “It’s fertile, and adjacent to Yemen; we have an alliance with the Shi’ite Houthi rebels who rule the lands directly over the border. And while they are just as patriarchal as the House...

To Trump’s Delight, Israel To Replace the U.S. In NATO

To Trump’s Delight, Israel To Replace the U.S. In NATO

Sources have confirmed that Israel will apply for NATO membership later this week, “just to see the look on people’s faces.” We caught up with the playful Zionist troublemaker, as it was preparing the documentation and sipping cocktails at its seaside retreat outside of Tel Aviv. Israel commented, “I’ve got to be honest, with this ceasefire holding with the Palestinians, I’m just looking for other outlets for my kooky sense of humor. And also, I really need to keep those guys...

Ancient Skeleton Discovered Giving the Middle-Finger Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

Ancient Skeleton Discovered Giving the Middle-Finger Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...

Obama to Finally Intervene in Syria After Assad Signs Controversial ‘Bathroom Law’

Obama to Finally Intervene in Syria After Assad Signs Controversial ‘Bathroom Law’

WASHINGTON D.C. — With just days left in office, President Obama has reversed course on one of his major policies, deciding to intervene decisively against President Bashar al Assad after the Syrian leader passed a controversial “bathroom bill.” The law, vehemently opposed by Democrats and the Obama administration, would require Syrians to use the bathroom based on the gender listed on their birth certificate. While the US had refrained from military action even as Assad’s government killed hundreds of thousands...

God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2017th Time

God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2017th Time

After another year of war between Middle East countries and factions, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2016 didn’t go as planned, but new year new me! In 2017 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars #resolutions #motivated” God immediately got to work, reading several informative BuzzFeed articles on how to keep resolutions. He then put together an elaborate Excel spreadsheet where he listed all current ongoing conflicts. “At first I was...

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it was a Mosque, so I was pretty upset, but then I saw that it was a school promoting coexistence, and...

Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools

Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools

Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach all Israeli cities, but that ultimately this was a failed strategy. He continued, “the rockets that we launch into Israel...

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

After an intense, and sometimes hostile comments exchange, Jason Silverstein and Shlomo Horowitz, two liberal Jews from Long Island, claim to have solved most final status issues at the center of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Negotiations started when Jason posted a status on Facebook, berating Secretary of State John Kerry’s speech on Mideast peace. Shlomo, a liberal whose closest experience with a Palestinian was his friend at Columbia University who wore a keffiyeh “in solidarity” responded saying that his attitude was...

ISIS Announces Re-Branding: Islamic Safe Space; Berkeley Pledges Allegiance

ISIS Announces Re-Branding: Islamic Safe Space; Berkeley Pledges Allegiance

ISIS has announced that, as part of its 2017 rebranding program, it will no longer be known as ‘Islamic State’ but would rather be known as ‘Islamic Safe Space in Iraq and Syria’. The move is seen as an attempt to appeal more towards the younger generation and socially conscious millennials who have made just about everything you can imagine about Social Justice. A senior ISIS leader interviewed by The Mideast Beast stated, “Once we saw the kind of stuff...

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

Earlier today, the Decepticons released a statement claiming responsibility for the Jerusalem truck terror attack that left four Israelis dead. This comes after much confusion when the BBC, New York Times, and other outlets published headlines that made it seem like it was the truck that was to blame for the attack. Indeed, as the attack was still in progress, the New York Times ran the headline “Truck Rams into Soldiers in Jerusalem” and the BBC described it as a...

Syrian President: “Donald Trump’s Obsession with Putin ‘a Bit Much'”

Syrian President: “Donald Trump’s Obsession with Putin ‘a Bit Much'”

Saying the President-elect has gone overboard in his fawning praise of the Russian dictator, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad urged Donald Trump to tone down his constant professions of devotion to Vladimir Putin. “Listen, I love Vladimir too,” noted Assad, who has remained in power due largely to Russian military assistance. “Hell, if not for Putin, I’d probably be dead by now. I’d either have a knife stuck up my ass like Qaddafi, be locked in one of those ISIS cages,...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Arizona Diamondbacks told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...

Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages

Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages

A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased turmoil amongst radical Islamists has rendered the hereafter utopia struggling to meet the demand of rising numbers of fanatical militants killed in the name of...

Syrian Cease-Fire: Less “Cease” More “Fire”

Syrian Cease-Fire: Less “Cease” More “Fire”

Syrian government officials have admitted that they are still grappling with the finer parts of the word ‘cease-fire’, apparently something that was supposed to go into effect.  A spokesman admitted, “It’s not that we don’t like the idea in principal. Who doesn’t want to have the time for a nice cup of mint tea without fear of a mortar shell hitting you in the face? But the thing is that on balance we like wielding ultimate power more than we...

Islam Just Going Through Rebellious Teenage Years, Father Says

Islam Just Going Through Rebellious Teenage Years, Father Says

With the rise of ISIS and Islamic extremism in general, the religion that gave the world huge advances in the sciences, mathematics, and medicine when it was younger, is now going through some natural growing pains. “Islam is going through a tough time right now,” Abraham, Father of Nations, said, as he poured a stiff glass of scotch, single malt of course. “It’s natural that Islam is facing things that all religions go through as they reach this age: it’s...