Culture

Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making

Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making

Guided by Messianic visions of blowing up two of Islam’s holy sites, some violent Jewish settlers, or ‘asshats’ as they are often known in Israel, have long asserted that the way Palestinian children are educated is proof of the true intentions of the Palestinian leadership vis-à-vis Israel. According to Dr. Zion Ben-Judah, a senior member of the pro-settler Council for a Jewish Tomorrow, “When you google translate: ‘A just and comprehensive peace in the Middle East’ from English to Arabic, you...

Saudi Prince buys rights to Jewish song

Saudi Prince buys rights to Jewish song

A Saudi Prince today purchased the rights to the well-known Jewish song Hava Nagila (Let’s rejoice).  Reached for comment on his yacht, the Prince said through an interpreter “I dig the tune. It friggin’ rocks.” With the specter of future royalty payments looming, Jewish folk bands are refusing to play the song.  “I hated the damn thing anyway! I felt like such a tool whenever we played it,” remarked Shlomo Tubberstein, a local folk musician from Jerusalem.  “Trying to remain Celibate?...

Hamas Bombs Make “BOOM” in Israeli Real Estate

Hamas Bombs Make “BOOM” in Israeli Real Estate

Wealthy Jews (really, are there any other kind?) are buying up high priced property in Israel as a hedge against rising anti-Semitism in their present countries of residence. The surge in economic activity is creating a real estate boom as a welcome side effect of the recent war with Hamas. Despite the Gaza conflict creating a spike in global hatred for “dem Jooooos,” the Jewish people have responded as they have for millennia; by pointing out that they are in...

Israeli Facebook community can’t handle that people criticize Israel online

Israeli Facebook community can’t handle that people criticize Israel online

If there is one thing Israelis (original or transplant) feel more passionately about than Israel, it’s people criticizing or complaining about Israel. It appears that the online community of Israel is so effective at over-reacting that they don’t even have to read the articles to mobilize their indignation. Often times a mere whiff of a headline that mentions Israel not followed by ‘cures cancer’ or ‘provides relief aid’ is enough to unleash the deathly gates of hell and cause Israelis...

‘The Expendables 4: ISIS IS-OUT’ to be filmed in Gaza

‘The Expendables 4: ISIS IS-OUT’ to be filmed in Gaza

Widely circulating rumors that the Expendables 4 movie is to be filmed in the Gaza Strip were confirmed last night by Sylvester Stallone. Director, writer and star of the franchise confirmed that the 4th film, working title ‘ISIS – IS-OUT’ would use location shots of derelict Gazan areas in an effort to give the film ‘that authentic, terroristic feel’. In an interview with The Israeli Daily, the rubber-faced Rocky star stated that, ‘obviously, we can’t actually go into any ISIS...

Lady Gaga to address UN in place of Netanyahu

Lady Gaga to address UN in place of Netanyahu

What next? Justin Bieber addresses NATO?   It has been announced that Lady Gaga will be addressing the UN General Assembly on behalf of Israel, in place of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, after her highly successful September concert in Tel Aviv. A spokesperson for the PM told The Israeli Daily, “It was a pretty obvious choice. I mean, look at her! She’s so talented! You can’t help but be uplifted by her songs, or her colorful and varied costume...

Yet Another Israeli Startup Is Bought

Yet Another Israeli Startup Is Bought

In completely unsurprising and boring news, another Silicon Valley tech firm has bought yet another Israeli startup. CompletelyOverValued.com, an online retailer that focuses on selling random useless shit at a substantial markup and inconveniently delivering it in a weekly box to consumers’ doors, is buying Israeli startup Vinechat for the tune of $2 billion. Vinechat has a monopoly on the coveted college student vintner market, enabling budding winemakers to share detailed 6-second long instructional videos before they are erased from...

US begs England, Scotland for peaceful two-state solution

US begs England, Scotland for peaceful two-state solution

‘Should Scotland leave? Does England care?   As Britain braces itself for Thursday’s referendum on Scottish independence, the United States – having gone over a week without entering global politics– has begun crisis negotiations with representatives from England and Scotland, attempting to persuade them to enter into a two-state solution. A seasoned negotiator attending the talks in Cardiff, Wales told The Israeli Daily: ‘This violence has to stop. It’s all over the world news. Sheep are being attacked; eggs are...

Paris too distracting for decision makers

Paris too distracting for decision makers

Foreign Ministers from around the world are admitting today that there would be a lot more concrete action on the ‘Islamic State’ if Paris weren’t just so damn delightful in the early autumn sunshine. John Kerry confessed “I swear I was absolutely going to make a detailed report to the conference, but then I looked out of my hotel room this morning at the sun glittering like molten gold over the Seine, the smell of fresh baked croissants wafted up...

Evangelical Christian tourists radicalized by ISIS

Evangelical Christian tourists radicalized by ISIS

Foreign Embassies are advising against all travel to Israel’s Upper Galilee region following reports of evangelical tourist groups becoming radicalized by ISIS. Groups of Western God botherers, inspired by ISIS’ presence on Israel’s northern border, have seen an opportunity to further their own religious aims while on tour in Israel. The Israeli Daily (TID) contacted one of the tour organizers responsible for sending the groups.  Bob Logan of Plainold, Texas, told TID: ‘These ISIS heathens are clearly misguided. Instead of shooting...

Report: Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with the Messiah

Report: Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with the Messiah

Addressing the crowds from above the clouds, in a loud, booming voice, God, looking pretty proud of himself, announced that Kate had conceived the child naturally and not via Immaculate Conception, which he dismissed as ‘an absolute load of bollocks’: ‘There’s no such thing as an ‘Immaculate Conception’. Who ever made that shit up had some pretty fucked ideas about sex. The truth is, I’m probably the only one man to knock up Kate. Then I thought, since I was...

El Al to operate first entirely kosher plane

El Al to operate first entirely kosher plane

In an important announcement from El Al earlier today, Israel’s national airline broke the news that they will soon be operating the world’s first entirely kosher airplane. In a move that delighted the ultra-Orthodox Jewish community and confused pretty much everyone else, the airline’s press conference overran by half an hour while a spokesman explained just what a ‘fully kosher’ airplane would entail. The Israeli Daily can now reveal (after some carefully drawn diagrams and arm-waving explanations from El Al...

Bomb maker’s death raises concerns about children and plastic explosives

Bomb maker’s death raises concerns about children and plastic explosives

“Whatever you do, you must not push this button,” the elderly bomb-maker tells the 10-year old boy as he shows the child the suicide vest. “This button?” the boy replies, pushing the button and separating the bomb-maker into two. Today, the death has ignited a powerful debate on the dangers of children and explosives, and whether responsible bomb makers should place their lives in the hands of irresponsible youth. Hamas master bomb-maker Hous bin-Pharteen enjoyed working with Palestinian children. “They...

Brave raiders fail in UK supermarket objective

Brave raiders fail in UK supermarket objective

In an incredible act of bravery approximately 100 British citizens protesting the recent war in Gaza raided a supermarket, and they did what no one thought was humanly possible: they removed items from shelves. One aging onlooker noted, “I mean, you hear stories about people doing brave and heroic things, you know like in war, but you rarely get to witness it. The way that some of the protestors grabbed things like fruit and pepper without dropping them…that’s bravery-medal material....