A number of European cities have recently seen an upsurge of brave young men banding together in order to search for their city’s Israeli Gold. Having staged successful searches in European capitals such as Paris, Copenhagen, Rome and others, the band of explorers recently turned their sights to London, the capital of the civilized world. Being tipped off as to...
Extreme wedding crashers, known as ‘Lehava‘, have been praised for drawing attention to the most pressing threat to Israeli security to occur since Israel’s Independence: crazy Israeli-Jews. For some time analysts have been torn between deciding whether continued moves by Iran to marry long range ballistic missiles with nuclear weapons or the zone of insecurity caused by the fighting in Syria...
Last year’s Good Matzo collapsed yesterday with the first violence of this Passover season. Masked rabbis firebombed Vinnie Agastino’s bread truck as it rolled through Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood. While Mr. Agastino suffered only moderate injuries, some four dozen casualties occurred in the form of focaccia and ciabatta loaves burned beyond recognition. A sack of uncounted dinner rolls was also...
Sometimes passports just aren’t enough. When it comes to nation building, the Islamic State has amped it up to the next level: declaring their official food. “The choice was pretty obvious,” explains one ISIS member, preferring to go by the pseudonym Sharia Snacker. “Nothing says violent fundamentalist Islam like strawberry-vanilla yogurt.” The decision was unanimous. In an unrelated note, those...
Jeb Bush’s impending presidential announcement, greeted by yawns from most, has electrified the Neo-Con fanboy community. Fans bid up tickets to Bush’s foreign policy speech, given at the Chicago Council of Global Affairs, to as high as $15. All were desperate to catch a glimpse of a neo-con ‘rockstar,’ and maybe snag an autograph. “I heard Paul Wolfowitz is on...
Hot on the heels of his landmark appearance before congress, oral orator Binyamin Netanyahu continued his tour of the United States. After speaking at the quarterly employee meeting of Angelcakes Bakery in Detroit, MI, and entertaining the guests of Uncanny Valley Nursing Home in Tulsa, OK, Netanyahu delivered an address to the 174 students of Flatland-Hills Junior High in Greensboro,...
An Iranian government official who publicly responded to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s address to the US Congress last week by pretending to play the world’s smallest violin has had his hand removed, The Israeli Daily reported. Alborz Javadi, spokesman for Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, noted that whenever the amputation took place, he didn’t feel a thing. “Last thing I remember,...
The votes have been tallied! Today it was announced that when the heat get to them, Israelis overwhelmingly prefer a refreshing glass of blood harvested from the offspring of Christ followers! The drink, traditionally used for cooking, has surged in popularity as of late, having fallen out of favor towards the end of the Middle Ages. The increase in demand...
Embarrassment reigned at the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) annual policy conference in DC, as exuberant former Texas Governor and Republican Presidential contender Rick Perry took the stage saying he was glad about “all you Jews and Jewesses getting your horns removed so you can be good Americans.” Confused by the chilly reception to what he plainly intended to be a...
Worried about his status as spokesperson for world Jewry, the Prime Minister’s office today announced that Bibi Netanyahu will summon a ‘rabbinic conclave’ to declare the Prime Minister ‘Pope of the Jews.’ Speaking to TID off the record, a close aide explained Netanyahu’s thinking. “At first Bibi was just going to have the rabbis make him high priest, but he...
While the final deal between Iran and the US led P5+1 has yet to be released, TID has learned of several previously undisclosed already accepted compromises. The agreement limits Iran to three nuclear weapons at any given time, though as a face saving compromise, these would be referred to as ‘nucular’ weapons as per the Bush pronunciation. Iran could replace...
Efforts by the United States to reach a negotiated agreement on Iran’s nuclear program came to a bitter end Friday, as the two sides broke off talks after a dispute over the color of a dress pictured on Tumblr. A deal was on the verge on being signed, according to sources from both nations, when Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei stumbled...
Today the terror group ISIS released a statement expressing concern for the health of George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series upon which the wildly successful HBO series Game of Thrones is based. The group, well known to be fans of both the book and television series, announced that they would “beseech Allah to provide our dearest George...
In a stunning last-minute turnaround, American media icon and international celebrity Benjamin ‘Superstar’ Netanyahu will host the 2015 Oscars. “Bibi’s so hot right now,” said Academy Awards show producer Tara Trendzini, adding that the Prime Minister has that ‘Kardashian factor’. “He’s someone you just love to hate.” Accordingly, the United Nations expressed their love by calling the event a “war crime”....
Disney World has unveiled Hamas as their new signing in Florida this morning. The move comes as Qatar agreed upon mutual consent with the organisation to part company after the petro-state expressed disappointment in Hamas’ failure in achieving its objectives of wiping Israel off the map. Disney World has been flirting with Hamas for a while now, since a delegation headed by...
Building on the recent vote to boycott Israel, UC Davis’s Student Government today moved to protect every students self expressive right to stab a Jew. Student president, Ms. Rebecca Jordan, said she expected the move to be controversial. Still she saw it as essential to maintaining UC Davis’s commitment to the free exchange of ideas. “New forms of expression emerge...
Wishing to mend fences with a special someone and ignoring the risk to his standing amongst Orthodox Jews, Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu fretted earlier in the week over what to get President Obama for Valentine’s Day. Netanyahu, busy typing terms like ‘pissed off,’ ‘leader of a superpower,’ and ‘gone too far,’ into Google even as Valentine’s Day arrived was...
Given The Mideast Beast’s (TMB) commitment to accuracy in reporting and our nonexistent long-term relationship with NBC Nightly News’ Mr Brian Williams, after careful research The Mideast Beast feels compelled to retract the following claims: Brian Williams did not suggest the name ‘Israel’ to David Ben-Gurion Brian Williams was not aboard the Enola Gay on August 6, 1945 Brian Williams did...
Following his ill-fated decision to throw a pass from the 1-yard line in Super Bowl XLIX, Seattle Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll has been offered a position with the U.S. State Department as John Kerry’s undersecretary. “After witnessing Coach Carroll’s decision-making at the end of the game Sunday, we determined he’d be a great fit in Foggy Bottom,” President Obama announced...
Following the slaughter in Paris, the Stein family’s dinner table was brought to silence when Mrs Stein’s brother, Uncle Mike, explained that “we Jews could learn a thing or two” from those who carried out this act of murder. As his relations looked on in dumb humiliation, Uncle Mike continued, “look, I don’t condone what those terrorists did, but do...
