ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

Today the terror group ISIS released a statement expressing concern for the health of George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series upon which the wildly successful HBO series Game of Thrones is based. The group, well known to be fans of both the book and television series, announced that they would “beseech Allah to provide our dearest George with strong health, enough to finish writing his marvelous books which are below only the Quran itself.” ISIS militants expressed...

Hamas have announced they will open a PR company after a successful summer of fooling everyone

Hamas have announced they will open a PR company after a successful summer of fooling everyone

In a statement the group described ideal trading conditions as the reason behind the announcement saying ISIS, Tony Blair and the Zionist Union had approached them for advice. “Every left wing person seems to love Hamas across the world,” said the Zionist Union, “We want to know their secret to win the election for us and I guess also for Israel, who we have to pretend to like for a bit.” “We may be shit at destroying Israel and killing...

Left Coast Moms, Fundamentalist Christians, Brooklyn Orthodox Jews, and Pakistani Taliban Unite to Spread Deadly Preventable Disease

Left Coast Moms, Fundamentalist Christians, Brooklyn Orthodox Jews, and Pakistani Taliban Unite to Spread Deadly Preventable Disease

Combating cynicism about different peoples inability to make common cause, a diverse coalition today united to spread highly contagious, and entirely preventable, diseases. Didactically Insipid People Protesting Your Science (or DIPPYS), brings together smug left coast moms, self righteous fundamentalist Christians, aloof Brooklyn Hasids (ultra-Orthodox Jews), and the Pakistani Taliban (with a little inspiration from Jenny McCarthy). Chairperson, Mrs Fulla Self, a MILF Santa Monica mother of four and all around know-it-all led the announcement. “Yes, we have our differences. But...

Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence

Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence

In an interview from an undisclosed location, a distressed former Vice President Dick Cheney today revealed that Brian Williams provided the since discredited pre-war intelligence he presented to justify invading Iraq. “Aluminum tubes? The al-Queada Connection? All Williams,” Cheney explained, as he did a fair approximation of human emotions. “And did I mention that Brian told me the meaning of the term ‘last throes?’ Cheney wasn’t the only former Bush official to come forward. Serendipitously, former Secretary of State of...

Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards

Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards

In a stunning last-minute turnaround, American media icon and international celebrity Benjamin ‘Superstar’ Netanyahu will host the 2015 Oscars. “Bibi’s so hot right now,” said Academy Awards show producer Tara Trendzini, adding that the Prime Minister has that ‘Kardashian factor’. “He’s someone you just love to hate.” Accordingly, the United Nations expressed their love by calling the event a “war crime”. Hamas, ISIS, Al-Qaeda, the European Union, Iran, and that hipster psychology major that thinks he knows everything issued condemnations as...

Hamas Signs for Disney World

Hamas Signs for Disney World

Disney World has unveiled Hamas as their new signing in Florida this morning. The move comes as Qatar agreed upon mutual consent with the organisation to part company after the petro-state expressed disappointment in Hamas’ failure in achieving its objectives of wiping Israel off the map. Disney World has been flirting with Hamas for a while now, since a delegation headed by Mickey Mouse made guest appearances in Gaza on children shows last year. Upon such visits Mickey made a number of...

Syrian Refugees File Suit against UN Aid Agencies

Syrian Refugees File Suit against UN Aid Agencies

A group of displaced persons from Syria who had fled ISIS-controlled territory for the safety of a refugee camp in Lebanon filed a lawsuit on Monday at the International Criminal Court (ICC) against the United Nations Refugee Agency for alleged false advertising. Saif El-Amin, a toothless man from Raqqa, asserts that “The United Nations promised us a place with a red-tiled roof, home entertainment center and a view of the main square. Instead we got a tent full of holes,...

ISIS Split Over George Bush Invitation

ISIS Split Over George Bush Invitation

ISIS is reportedly on the verge of splitting after the leadership sent an invitation to former US President George W. Bush to become a honorary life member of the Caliphate as a sign of gratitude for his services to Islamic extremism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi stood by the decision, “Look here, when Boko Haram in Nigeria attack neighboring Chad the link to George Bush is quite clear,” the Caliph explained. “The leader of a country in one continent invading a country in...

UC Davis Student Government Declares “Jew Stabbing” an Act of Self Expression

UC Davis Student Government Declares “Jew Stabbing” an Act of Self Expression

Building on the recent vote to boycott Israel, UC Davis’s Student Government today moved to protect every students self expressive right to stab a Jew. Student president, Ms. Rebecca Jordan, said she expected the move to be controversial. Still she saw it as essential to maintaining UC Davis’s commitment to the free exchange of ideas. “New forms of expression emerge all the time. Imagine if we said that students couldn’t express themselves on email? Or were forbidden to tweet? Yes,...

Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Collapsed Over Bottle Deposit Dispute

Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Collapsed Over Bottle Deposit Dispute

A report issued this week revealed that Israeli-Palestinian peace talks collapsed last year not over territorial or security disagreements but over Israel’s insistence on keeping all proceeds from bottle deposits raised from refreshments served at the meetings. According to Palestinian sources, negotiators were ready to recognize Israel as the Jewish State and give up the ‘Right of Return’ for Palestinian refugees, but became frustrated by the Israeli refusal to discuss any issues outside of the empty soda bottles accumulated during...

World Remembers King Abdullah, Champion of Women’s Rights and Freedom of Speech

World Remembers King Abdullah, Champion of Women’s Rights and Freedom of Speech

Both during and after the funeral for Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah, leaders from around the world hailed the Saudi monarch as a fearless reformer who ushered the Kingdom into the 21st century on issues ranging from women’s rights to freedom of speech. “Because of King Abdullah’s bold leadership, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has been a champion for women throughout the world,” former British Prime Minister Tony Blair said in a heartfelt eulogy. “Women in Saudi Arabia are now allowed...

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day

Wishing to mend fences with a special someone and ignoring the risk to his standing amongst Orthodox Jews, Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu fretted earlier in the week over what to get President Obama for Valentine’s Day. Netanyahu, busy typing terms like ‘pissed off,’ ‘leader of a superpower,’ and ‘gone too far,’ into Google even as Valentine’s Day arrived was unavailable to comment. However, Spokesperson Mark Regev commented, “We know that Bibi can piss people off. Fortunately, he also knows...

New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max

New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max

Saudi Arabia’s new King Salman ordered a major cabinet reshuffle on Thursday that reflects the monarch’s love for 1980s American television. “Even though he’s eighty, King Salman loves the ’80s!” exclaimed Saudi government spokesperson Felix al-Faisal. “His royal freshness’s throne room is filled with classic arcade games; Centipede, Super Mario Brothers, Donkey Kong, and Pac-Man. It’s bombdigity. You think I’m trippin’? Why do you think government officials are all of a sudden wearing neon-colored pastel t-shirts and linen suits? Royal decree, dude.”...

British Prime Minister Defends Torture

British Prime Minister Defends Torture

In the run up to the next election, UK Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted that torture is ok by him as long as he doesn’t have to get any of that icky blood stuff on himself. Asked on the campaign trail about the UK’s cozy relationship with Saudi Arabia Cameron said: “I can tell you one time since I’ve been prime minister, a piece of information that we have been given by that country has saved potentially hundreds of lives here...

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, fingered his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this sword from Ahmed’s Shop ‘n Chop. See the craftsmanship. Takes a head off with one swipe. But the kids these days,...

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has acquiesced to a request from the Obama administration that his March 3 speech to Congress be broadcast with a 30-second delay. White House Assistant Press Secretary C. Robert Smiley said on Thursday “We do not intend to censor Prime Minister Netanyahu’s address, so long as he refrains from articulating certain words and expressions that we believe could impede our ongoing negotiations with the Iranian government during this particularly sensitive period.” RELATED: Not inviting Netanyahu to...

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams

Given The Mideast Beast’s (TMB) commitment to accuracy in reporting and our nonexistent long-term relationship with NBC Nightly News’ Mr Brian Williams, after careful research The Mideast Beast feels compelled to retract the following claims: Brian Williams did not suggest the name ‘Israel’ to David Ben-Gurion Brian Williams was not aboard the Enola Gay on August 6, 1945 Brian Williams did not tell Yasser Arafat that kaiffyas “look totally rad” Brian Williams was not on the Grassy Knoll on November 22,...

ISIS threatens to behead famed groundhog for ‘six more weeks of winter’

ISIS threatens to behead famed groundhog for ‘six more weeks of winter’

An ISIS sleeper cell, located in Pennsylvania, has released a video threatening to behead Punxsutawney Phil, the famed groundhog, for its recent regional prediction: six more weeks of winter. “In the name of Allah, it’s butt-ass cold in Pennsylvania!” said one ISIS member that was willing to speak with The Mideast Beast. When our handlers prepared for us to live in the U.S. we weren’t warned about the weather; come on, we’re Middle Eastern! Back in Iraq and Syria my...

Kuwait Jails Persian Cat for Insulting Emir

Kuwait Jails Persian Cat for Insulting Emir

Kuwait’s lower court has sentenced a stray Persian cat to 11 years in jail for allegedly insulting the ruler of the oil-rich Gulf state on Twitter. Bernt Bystrom, Director of the International Feral Cat Initiative, said that the furry defendant, who has apparently fled the country, was not present at the ruling. “Shirazi has hightailed it out of that gilded cage.” Bystrom stated from Stockholm after the verdict was handed down. Our feline friends of the Persian persuasion have been living...

Death of Saudi King Abdullah Triggers Chain Reaction of Successions throughout the Kingdom

Death of Saudi King Abdullah Triggers Chain Reaction of Successions throughout the Kingdom

The death of King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al-Saud has triggered a string of promotions amongst 7,000 brothers, half-brothers, cousins of the kind you only normally see at Thanksgiving and Bar Mitzvahs. Key promotions include that of Assistant Regional Deputy Vice-Minister of Oil, Mohammed bin Shish, 18th in line for the throne, being promoted to Second Regional Deputy Minister of Oil, a key position in the Saudi economy. His place was taken by Ahmed bin Ansari, former Associate VP of regional...