Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Collapsed Over Bottle Deposit Dispute

Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Collapsed Over Bottle Deposit Dispute

A report issued this week revealed that Israeli-Palestinian peace talks collapsed last year not over territorial or security disagreements but over Israel’s insistence on keeping all proceeds from bottle deposits raised from refreshments served at the meetings. According to Palestinian sources, negotiators were ready to recognize Israel as the Jewish State and give up the ‘Right of Return’ for Palestinian refugees, but became frustrated by the Israeli refusal to discuss any issues outside of the empty soda bottles accumulated during...

World Remembers King Abdullah, Champion of Women’s Rights and Freedom of Speech

World Remembers King Abdullah, Champion of Women’s Rights and Freedom of Speech

Both during and after the funeral for Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah, leaders from around the world hailed the Saudi monarch as a fearless reformer who ushered the Kingdom into the 21st century on issues ranging from women’s rights to freedom of speech. “Because of King Abdullah’s bold leadership, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has been a champion for women throughout the world,” former British Prime Minister Tony Blair said in a heartfelt eulogy. “Women in Saudi Arabia are now allowed...

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day

Wishing to mend fences with a special someone and ignoring the risk to his standing amongst Orthodox Jews, Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu fretted earlier in the week over what to get President Obama for Valentine’s Day. Netanyahu, busy typing terms like ‘pissed off,’ ‘leader of a superpower,’ and ‘gone too far,’ into Google even as Valentine’s Day arrived was unavailable to comment. However, Spokesperson Mark Regev commented, “We know that Bibi can piss people off. Fortunately, he also knows...

New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max

New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max

Saudi Arabia’s new King Salman ordered a major cabinet reshuffle on Thursday that reflects the monarch’s love for 1980s American television. “Even though he’s eighty, King Salman loves the ’80s!” exclaimed Saudi government spokesperson Felix al-Faisal. “His royal freshness’s throne room is filled with classic arcade games; Centipede, Super Mario Brothers, Donkey Kong, and Pac-Man. It’s bombdigity. You think I’m trippin’? Why do you think government officials are all of a sudden wearing neon-colored pastel t-shirts and linen suits? Royal decree, dude.”...

British Prime Minister Defends Torture

British Prime Minister Defends Torture

In the run up to the next election, UK Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted that torture is ok by him as long as he doesn’t have to get any of that icky blood stuff on himself. Asked on the campaign trail about the UK’s cozy relationship with Saudi Arabia Cameron said: “I can tell you one time since I’ve been prime minister, a piece of information that we have been given by that country has saved potentially hundreds of lives here...

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, fingered his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this sword from Ahmed’s Shop ‘n Chop. See the craftsmanship. Takes a head off with one swipe. But the kids these days,...

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has acquiesced to a request from the Obama administration that his March 3 speech to Congress be broadcast with a 30-second delay. White House Assistant Press Secretary C. Robert Smiley said on Thursday “We do not intend to censor Prime Minister Netanyahu’s address, so long as he refrains from articulating certain words and expressions that we believe could impede our ongoing negotiations with the Iranian government during this particularly sensitive period.” RELATED: Not inviting Netanyahu to...

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams

Given The Mideast Beast’s (TMB) commitment to accuracy in reporting and our nonexistent long-term relationship with NBC Nightly News’ Mr Brian Williams, after careful research The Mideast Beast feels compelled to retract the following claims: Brian Williams did not suggest the name ‘Israel’ to David Ben-Gurion Brian Williams was not aboard the Enola Gay on August 6, 1945 Brian Williams did not tell Yasser Arafat that kaiffyas “look totally rad” Brian Williams was not on the Grassy Knoll on November 22,...

ISIS threatens to behead famed groundhog for ‘six more weeks of winter’

ISIS threatens to behead famed groundhog for ‘six more weeks of winter’

An ISIS sleeper cell, located in Pennsylvania, has released a video threatening to behead Punxsutawney Phil, the famed groundhog, for its recent regional prediction: six more weeks of winter. “In the name of Allah, it’s butt-ass cold in Pennsylvania!” said one ISIS member that was willing to speak with The Mideast Beast. When our handlers prepared for us to live in the U.S. we weren’t warned about the weather; come on, we’re Middle Eastern! Back in Iraq and Syria my...

Kuwait Jails Persian Cat for Insulting Emir

Kuwait Jails Persian Cat for Insulting Emir

Kuwait’s lower court has sentenced a stray Persian cat to 11 years in jail for allegedly insulting the ruler of the oil-rich Gulf state on Twitter. Bernt Bystrom, Director of the International Feral Cat Initiative, said that the furry defendant, who has apparently fled the country, was not present at the ruling. “Shirazi has hightailed it out of that gilded cage.” Bystrom stated from Stockholm after the verdict was handed down. Our feline friends of the Persian persuasion have been living...

Death of Saudi King Abdullah Triggers Chain Reaction of Successions throughout the Kingdom

Death of Saudi King Abdullah Triggers Chain Reaction of Successions throughout the Kingdom

The death of King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al-Saud has triggered a string of promotions amongst 7,000 brothers, half-brothers, cousins of the kind you only normally see at Thanksgiving and Bar Mitzvahs. Key promotions include that of Assistant Regional Deputy Vice-Minister of Oil, Mohammed bin Shish, 18th in line for the throne, being promoted to Second Regional Deputy Minister of Oil, a key position in the Saudi economy. His place was taken by Ahmed bin Ansari, former Associate VP of regional...

Palestinians Celebrate Recognition by International House of Pancakes

Palestinians Celebrate Recognition by International House of Pancakes

In another step forward in their search for international recognition, President Mahmoud Abbas today announced that Palestine has now been recognized by the International House of Pancakes. In a tense moment Mr Abbas and his party waited at the ‘Please Wait to be Served Sign’ at IHOP’s Ankeny, Iowa location. Assistant Manager, Aubree Chablis, then approached and guided his party to a booth. “Aubree handled us with the sure diplomatic hand one expects from an international organization with more than...

Hamas Annexation of Israel For Peace

Hamas Annexation of Israel For Peace

Naftali Bennett (on the right, image above), the leader of the religious-Zionist political party called “Jewish Home” has told the The Israeli Daily (TID) that if he becomes Prime Minister he may consider letting Hamas annex Israel for peace, citing pressure from student unions in the West. “We know the pressures these student unions are putting us under,” Bennett solemnly acknowledged. “When 30 or 40 students decide to pass motions demanding Israel withdrawal from the West Bank, we really feel...

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department

Following his ill-fated decision to throw a pass from the 1-yard line in Super Bowl XLIX, Seattle Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll has been offered a position with the U.S. State Department as John Kerry’s undersecretary. “After witnessing Coach Carroll’s decision-making at the end of the game Sunday, we determined he’d be a great fit in Foggy Bottom,” President Obama announced Tuesday. “As we attempt to restart negotiations between Israel and Syria on the Golan Heights and look to arm some...

Turkey blames Saudi King’s death on Miss Israel Selfie

Turkey blames Saudi King’s death on Miss Israel Selfie

Stepping into the international arena with a declaration of something completely unrelated once more, Turkey announced that there was something ‘a bit fishy’ about late Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz’s death. President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (sexy stud in the image above) stated, “The sad death of brother King Abdullah, peace be upon him! is a direct consequence of the Zionist state’s aggression. Miss Israel’s deliberate photo bombing of Miss Lebanon killed the late Saudi King. You just can’t have that many...

Israeli Opposition to Expand Prime Minister Rotation Program to all Israelis who Aren’t Netanyahu

Israeli Opposition to Expand Prime Minister Rotation Program to all Israelis who Aren’t Netanyahu

Eyebrows were raised last month when Isaac Herzog, Israel’s Labor Party leader famous for not being Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu, joined forces with Tzipi Livni, head of Israel’s parliamentary opposition.. The joint bid in Israel’s upcoming elections contains a plan to rotate both Herzog and Livni in the role of Prime Minister (PM) for two years each, under the slogan: “Who cares how many Prime Ministers there are as long as neither one is Bibi”. Despite the announcement, polls still show...

GOP Invites Guy Who Bullied Obama in 5th Grade to Address Joint Session of Congress

GOP Invites Guy Who Bullied Obama in 5th Grade to Address Joint Session of Congress

Declaring that “as a co-equal branch of government, we need to hear a variety of perspectives on the important issues facing our nation,” Speaker of the House John Boehner today announced that Lloyd Minton, the bully who tortured President Barrack Obama in 5th Grade, would soon address a rare joint session of Congress. Boehner brushed aside those who questioned the decorum of this unprecedented invitation. “Members of my caucus and that of Majority Leader McConnell are enthusiastic to hear from...

ISIS Petitions International Olympic Committee to Add Beheading to 2016 Events

ISIS Petitions International Olympic Committee to Add Beheading to 2016 Events

Rumors abound that the International Olympic Committee will soon be welcoming a new member, The Islamic State (ISIS). The terrorist group made clear that they hadn’t been sure the IOC would even let them participate in the upcoming games, but after a “bit of persuasion” they were added to the roster of participating states. Leaders of the internationally admonished group have announced that they will seek to add a new event to the 2016 Games: beheading. “We’ve been practicing real...

Crazy Uncle Thinks “Jews Could Learn a Thing or Two” from Paris Terrorists

Crazy Uncle Thinks “Jews Could Learn a Thing or Two” from Paris Terrorists

Following the slaughter in Paris, the Stein family’s dinner table was brought to silence when Mrs Stein’s brother, Uncle Mike, explained that “we Jews could learn a thing or two” from those who carried out this act of murder. As his relations looked on in dumb humiliation, Uncle Mike continued, “look, I don’t condone what those terrorists did, but do you think that the New York Times would be so terrible on Israel if a few bad ass Jew boys...

Arab States Warn Citizens Abroad to Beware “Zionist Selfie-Aggression”

Arab States Warn Citizens Abroad to Beware “Zionist Selfie-Aggression”

Iraq today joined the growing list of Arab states warning their citizens about what Foreign Minister Ta-kka Uptabum described as “ongoing Zionist selfie aggression.” “When that monster, Doron Matalon, viciously attacked poor Saly Greige with her iPhone camera, we knew that the Zionists had opened another front in our almost 70 year old war.” Lebanese Ms Universe contestant, Greige, received death threats after Israeli contestant, Matalon, posted a selfie of the two women on Instagram. Reports poured in of other...