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‘Holocaust Was Wrong, But a Lot of Those Jews Were Cunts,’ Kenneth Roth Says
NEW YORK CITY — Human Rights Watch director Kenneth Roth is once again facing controversy for remarks some saw as justifying anti-Semitism, this time for calling holocaust victims “a bunch of cunts.” “The Holocaust was absolutely wrong and there is no excuse for the Nazi’s actions,” Roth tweeted Sunday. “But let’s face it – a lot of those Jews were...
Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts
BOMBED AP OFFICE, GAZA CITY — Due to always-escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel, while some actually have nothing to do with the Jewish State at all. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict...
Iran Considering Military Strike Against Itself following Suspicious Soil Sample
Iran declared Friday that it has not ruled out military action against Iran, after Iranian inspectors reported that a soil sample from the Parchin military base – where a recent explosion occurred – contained traces of radioactive material. “After conducting a thorough inspection of the Parchin facility, we have found substantial evidence to suggest we might be illegally enriching uranium,”...
Biden Invites UN Experts to Assess American Falafel
In yet another controversial move that critics say undermines the country’s sovereignty, US President Joe Biden, for a second time this week, has invited the United Nations to bring experts into the country to assess “falafel injustice.” Despite objections from Republicans, UN culinary expects will visit the country to examine the quality of America’s chickpea-based offerings and to ensure that...
Mossad: What Do You Mean “Reintroduction of” Track and Trace Apps?
Following other governments’ most recent reintroduction of coronavirus “track and trace” apps due to the onslaught of the Delta variant, Mossad announced this week that they’re sincerely confused by the term “reintroduction”, as they’ve been tracking citizens’ movements for years, for both national security and those ‘just in case’ scenarios. In a testament to the superiority of Israeli intelligence, Mossad...
Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”
The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long...
‘But You Have a Great Literacy Program!’ Bernie Sanders Shouts at Cuban Protestors
US Senator and former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders boarded an emergency flight to Cuba late Sunday evening to remind Cubans protesting the communist regime that they have a great literacy program. “My fellow comrades, put down your American flags and return home. Your government loves you and has developed a great literacy program to teach you how to read,” Sanders...
Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers
Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign promise to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way...
Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem
In a move the Palestinian Authority is calling, ‘the most perfect metaphor in history,’ this morning the Israeli government released a statement announcing their intention to build 2,000 hurdles in East Jerusalem in preparation for the day when the Summer Olympic Games will be held in Israel. Construction will take place by the end of the month, and Israel maintains...
Palestinians Are Ready to Elect a New President Who Will Stay Way Past Legal Term Limit
The results of a new poll were released today, illuminating the view Palestinians have of their leadership. West Bank Palestinians were asked about their feelings towards current Palestinian Authority President, Mahmoud Abbas. Abbas was elected President in 2005, and was slated to serve until 2009. However, he extended his term and remains in power to this day, which is a...
Taliban Sees Pushback Over ‘Critical Jihad Theory’
Just as it prepares to retake the country, the Taliban is seeing its popularity in Afghanistan wane due to its support for “Critical Jihad Theory.” Taliban officials have insisted that schools, major companies and the military all teach Critical Jihad Theory, or CJT, which teaches that all people are either “infidels” or “anti-infidels.” Training seminars at major Afghan corporations urge...
Palestinians Are “Just Regular People,” Shocking New Study Finds
A monumental shift in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is sure to take place following the release of some astonishing findings in a new Hebrew University study. The multi-year study investigated a somewhat simple hypothesis, but one which is rarely considered. It turns out, the paper states, “That contrary to what many believe, Palestinians are just regular people. Like the authors of...
Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler
Mr Estevez looks very familiar, like someone you might recognize had the years been kinder. He has an odd accent for a person who claims to have lived his whole life in beautiful Buenos Aires, Argentina. Spanish with a twinge of something stern that’s hard to place. This polite old man has been claiming in recent days that he knows...
Squad Members Say There Were ‘Very Fine People on Both Sides’ of Stabbing of Israeli Rabbi in Boston
Calling it a complicated and nuanced situation, members of the far-Left “Squad” insisted that there were “very fine people on both sides” of an anti-Semitic stabbing attack in Boston last week. While noting that she did not condone 24-year-old Khaled Awad’s decision to stab Rabbi Shlomo Noginski outside a Jewish day school, Rep. Ilhan Omar urged her supporters not to...
British Protests, Violence Mark 245 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans put social distancing – and severe political polarization – on hold to celebrate the 245th anniversary of its independence with barbeques at Delta-ridden gatherings, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...
Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee
Rapper Drake and supermodel Gigi Hadid have been spotted at a Hollywood Starbucks discussing their views on the Israel-Palestine conflict. Drake, who is half Jewish, believes in Israel’s right to remain a Jewish state. Hadid, whose father is Palestinian, believes in an end to the occupation and a one-state solution. The two were spotted around noon during the middle of...
Ilhan Omar Doubles Down, Compares Israel to Sith Empire
Refusing to back down from her earlier comments comparing Israel and the US to Hamas and the Taliban, Rep. Ilhan Omar has now equated Israel with the Darth Vader-led Sith Empire. “We have seen unthinkable atrocities, including the destruction of entire planets, by evil entities like the Sith Order, the Galactic Empire, Israel, and Republicans in Congress,” Omar told CNN’s...
Chicago Dyke March Bans Gays and Lesbians After Learning Israel Supports Gay Rights
The Chicago Dyke March, a pride event held each June, has announced that it will no longer allow gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people to take part in the march after learning that Israel is a strong supporter of gay rights. The event’s organizers, who previously previously banned flags portraying the Star of David and earlier this month posted a...
Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week
Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv last week during the city’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly...
Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters
Winner of the sexiest nation (Middle East and North Africa Division) for three years running, Israel, has expressed concerned at the quality of international chicks willing to ‘stand by it’. Chatting with The Mideast Beast in an exclusive heart to heart, the Zionist hunk was unrepentant. “Look, it’s not that I’m not grateful for the support, it’s just that I...