Kelly Blasts ISIS and Yazidis for Failing to Compromise

Kelly Blasts ISIS and Yazidis for Failing to Compromise

Saying that the collapse of Iraq could have been avoided if both ISIS and its victims had shown a bit of flexibility, White House chief of staff John Kelly said the rise of ISIS resulted from a “lack of ability to compromise.” “I know that ISIS was pretty unreasonable in believing that they could kill all non-Sunni men and keep all the young Yazidi girls as sex slaves,” Kelly said during an appearance on Laura Ingraham’s radio show Tuesday. “But...

Netanyahu Aides Advise Him to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween

Netanyahu Aides Advise Him to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween

As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this coming Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an evening would indeed be a cool costume for this Tuesday. Rumors from within the Israeli Parliament say that when...

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

American intelligence officials were dismayed to learn that a group of men believed to be moderate Syrian rebels were in fact just ISIS members in Halloween costumes. Hopes were raised when a CIA source spotted a group of military-age males walking into a Damascus-area Starbucks in Western clothing. None of the men were wearing ski masks or carrying scimitars or severed heads, leading officials to believe that the men could be elusive moderate Syrian rebels. Other US intelligence agencies were conferenced...

Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! Americans Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven

Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! Americans Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven

Hundreds of Americans have sought refuge in Israel as anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist fervor grows in America. American Jew, James Silverberg, has settled in Tel Aviv. He explained to reporters, “Things are totally crazy back home. On the extreme right, you’ve got these crazy racists screaming, ‘Jews will not replace us!’ And then they turn around and say they admire Israel for being an ethno-state. I mean, remember those Ethiopian Jews they airlifted to Israel? Bunch of racist idiots!” Another American,...

Special Report: A Bunch of Our Guys Killed a Bunch of Their Guys

Special Report: A Bunch of Our Guys Killed a Bunch of Their Guys

Military sources have confirmed rumors that a covert operation resulted in a number of their guys being killed in combat by a group of our guys. According to initial reports, a small group of their guys was engaged in the kind of shenanigans that our government has warned against. In response to the shenaniganizing in our territory, our government decided to send a bunch of our guys in to make sure that their guys couldn’t hurt our people just to...

ISIS Members Demand to Know Why Terrorists are Stationed in Niger

ISIS Members Demand to Know Why Terrorists are Stationed in Niger

Demanding greater transparency from the terror group, rank-and-file ISIS members want to know what ISIS fighters were doing in Niger during a confrontation that killed four US soldiers. “I, like most servants of the Caliphate, was shocked to learn that we were engaged in combat in the country,” one mid-level ISIS official told The Mideast Beast. “Is it not enough that we have troops fighting in Libya, Yemen, Egypt, Algeria and the Caucuses?” Many ISIS sources acknowledged the need for...

ISIS Claims Responsibility for Killing JFK

ISIS Claims Responsibility for Killing JFK

Following the release of some of the juiciest files on the assassination of President John F Kennedy, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has appeared to incriminate his own organization by claiming that ISIS was behind the attack. “Lee Harvey Oswald was a soldier of Islamic State. He assassinated JFK in a pre-emptive revenge attack, in anticipation of US military aggression in the region”, Baghdadi said. “We killed him nearly fifty years before the Caliphate was founded because that’s just how we roll...

So A Palestinian Refugee and a Terrorist Survivor Walk Through The Door…

So A Palestinian Refugee and a Terrorist Survivor Walk Through The Door…

If you survived a vicious terrorist attack, would you befriend the enemy? Would you let him into your house, your thoughts, and your vision for the future? Survivor Kay Wilson is on a mission to bring together human beings, so yeah, she does that. Host Molly Livingstone has a very intimate interview with Kay and one of her frenemies, “Ali,” a Palestinian refugee. Together they talk about hate, victims, martyrs, and awkward moments (or does Molly just create awkward moments?)...

ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities

ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities

Not since we all tried to figure out whether that damn dress was black and blue or white and gold has the public been as polarized as it is now by the topic of “safe spaces” on U.S. college campuses.  Safe spaces are normally demanded by those who see themselves as being part of minority groups worthy of protection from criticism or offensive language.  Many universities have, like a guy who buys a tiger because he thinks it’ll make a stylish sofa,...

Bored Hezbollah Units Plan Attack on Cyprus to Pass the Time

Bored Hezbollah Units Plan Attack on Cyprus to Pass the Time

Following a decade-long hiatus of the prolonged war with its sexy southern neighbor, Israel, the armed Lebanese militia has been anxious to get some action. “Not all of us have joined the pro-Assad forces in Syria”, one unit commander told The Mideast Beast. “For those of us left behind it’s getting kind of boring. We’ve been waiting years for orders to attack the Israelis but we’ve heard zilch. So, we thought, to pass the time, we’d exercise our muscles a...

ISIS Leader Sits Out Battle for Raqqa with Bone Spurs

ISIS Leader Sits Out Battle for Raqqa with Bone Spurs

Urging his fighters to stand their ground to the last man, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said that he will be forced to sit out the apocalyptic battle for the salvation of the caliphate due to severe bone spurs. “I wish that I could be on the front lines with my fellow mujahedeen, fearlessly embracing martyrdom,” al-Baghdadi said in a message broadcast to ISIS members. “Unfortunately, a moderate case of bone spurs has caused discomfort and tenderness, so I will...

Gordon Ramsay Enlists MasterChef Contestants to Cook for Palestinian Prisoners

Gordon Ramsay Enlists MasterChef Contestants to Cook for Palestinian Prisoners

On the upcoming season of MasterChef, world-renowned chef, Gordon Ramsay has decided to take his contestants to Israel, in order win over the hearts and stomachs of hunger-striking Palestinian prisoners. “Is it really a hunger strike, if you’re being served rubbish? If they refused to eat my food, that would show some commitment.” Ramsay said, regarding his decision to film the episode. While the episode has yet to air, TMB was able to obtain some sneak peaks. In one clip,...

ISIS and Hezbollah Condemn Culturally Appropriative Halloween Costumes

ISIS and Hezbollah Condemn Culturally Appropriative Halloween Costumes

In a rare act of unity, Sunni and Shiite extremist groups came together to condemn insensitive Halloween costumes. A joint statement was released on behalf of ISIS and Hezbollah shunning Americans who engage in “cultural appropriation” by dressing as Islamic extremists. In the midst of warfare and mass murder in Syria, cultural sensitivity remains a heated issue in the greater Levant. “We will not have our culture of violence and terror mocked by privileged white American college students going to...

Harvey Weinstein to Represent Hollywood at UN; Appointed to Human Rights Council

Harvey Weinstein to Represent Hollywood at UN; Appointed to Human Rights Council

Earlier today, Saudi representative to the Human Rights Council, Abdulaziz Alwasil, welcomed Harvey Weinstein’s appointment as Hollywood’s representative to the UN human rights body. In a statement, Alwasil said that his long and illustrious career of complete disregard for the rights of the women around him made him “a perfect fit for the council”. The allegations of rampant sexual misconduct by the Hollywood producer, prompted the UN to award Hollywood full member status because “clearly they live in their own...

Iran Not Sure What Year to Set for Israel’s Doomsday Clock

Iran Not Sure What Year to Set for Israel’s Doomsday Clock

On Friday, President Trump announced his refusal to recertify the Iran deal shortly before kicking it to Congress. Taking place shortly after the US and Israel pulled out of UNESCO, Iranian officials are now unsure when Israel will finally meet its end. “The US is really ramping things up ensuring we definitely will not be able to carry out our genocidal ambitions for at least another 100 years,” stated President Hassan Rouhani. Located in Tehran the digital doomsday clock originally...

Alt-Right Dumps Trump, Sends Peace Envoy to Iran

Alt-Right Dumps Trump, Sends Peace Envoy to Iran

In a dramatic political shift, leaders and pundits of the “Alt-Right” movement have severed ties with President Donald Trump in favor of diplomatic relations with Iran. The break comes after a series of discussions on Trump’s true motives and stances on Israel. “I guess he wasn’t kidding about supporting Israel, we sort of thought he was just lying to get AIPAC’s backing,” stated Pepe Times columnist John Whitman. During his campaign, Donald Trump stated numerous times his desire to strengthen...

ISIS Leader Alleges: “Harvey Weinstein Touched Me”

ISIS Leader Alleges: “Harvey Weinstein Touched Me”

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, a tearful Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, has allegedly claimed that Harvey Weinstein touched him inappropriately. This comes amidst a new wave of accusations against the powerful Hollywood producer. The account provided by al-Baghdadi was harrowing: “He invited me into his office to talk about a biopic of my life. He was very charming and offered me lunch. Next thing I know his fingers were all over me, in places...

New TMB Podcast! “Verbal Diarrhea – Trying to Understand the Iran Plan”

New TMB Podcast! “Verbal Diarrhea – Trying to Understand the Iran Plan”

With Trump dumping the “Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action” signed by Obama in 2015, hosts Alex Giles and Molly Livingstone try to figure out what exactly is comprehensive about it. Will Iran build a nuke? Are we watching the biggest reality show starring realist world leaders? Is it worth a Nobel Peace Prize, or is it nothing more than a deal with the Devil? Get out your biggest bottle of Pepto-Bismol ’cause we are about to give you a big...

Bernie Sanders Successfully Negotiates Termination of Iranian Nuclear Program

Bernie Sanders Successfully Negotiates Termination of Iranian Nuclear Program

In a shocking turn of events U.S. Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders has succeeded in doing what no other U.S. politician could: diplomatically ending the Iranian Nuclear Program. Bernie explained in a recent CNN interview. “I got the idea from watching the very funny program, Curb Your Enthusiasm. So, I decided to contact my local Iranian consul. If Larry David can get out of a fatwa, surely Bernie Sanders can get the Islamic Republic of Iran to give up its...

Trump: Before 1867, US Presidents Didn’t Bother to Call Soldiers’ Families

Trump: Before 1867, US Presidents Didn’t Bother to Call Soldiers’ Families

Defending his silence regarding the killings of four Green Berets in Niger, US President Donald Trump noted that before 1867, his predecessors did not even bother to call the families of fallen soldiers. “Okay, so I haven’t gotten around to calling the families of the fallen Green Berets, or the Navy SEAL killed in Yemen, but so what?” Trump said in a press conference. “The first 18 presidents never phoned a single grieving relative.” Trump initially claimed that President Obama...