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MLB Commissioner Declares Rockies World Series Champions
Despite the Atlanta Braves’ World Series win Tuesday night, Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred has declared the Colorado Rockies the World Series Champions following criticism of Georgia’s voting laws. Manfred has already taken back the Commissioner’s Trophy and will fly to Denver to present it to the Rockies on Thursday. “While the Braves technically did make the playoffs, beat...
Manchin, Sinema Leave Congress to Join Moderate Syrian Rebels
Lamenting that there is no place in the US Congress for moderates, Democratic Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have left the country to join the Syrian civil war on behalf of the moderate anti-Assad resistance. Sinema and Manchin, who had grown tired of constant pressure from the progressive wing of the Democratic Party, departed for Damascus early Sunday morning...
Sudan Celebrates Week Without a Coup
In what citizens of the African nation are calling a once-unthinkable democratic achievement, Sudan has now gone a full week without a military coup overthrowing the government. Residents of Sudan said they could not recall such a period of stability and expected coups to be a daily occurrence following the coup in 2019 to remove Omar al-Bashir and the subsequent...
Lone Trick-Or-Treater Shows Up at White House
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Although Joe Biden and Dr. Jill Biden announced last week that they would be cancelling the annual Halloween trick-or-treat event at the White House this year, a lone trick-or-treater did show up at the White House door yesterday on All Hallows’ Eve. The unexpected guest wore a veiled black hood and carried a realistic looking sickle as...
Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds
American intelligence officials were dismayed to learn that a group of men believed to be moderate Syrian rebels were in fact just ISIS members in Halloween costumes. Hopes were raised when a CIA source spotted a group of military-age males walking into a Damascus-area restaurant in Western clothing. None of the men were wearing ski masks or carrying scimitars or...
Americans Reminded About Afghanistan After Taliban Heard Defending Dave Chappelle
Attention has once again shifted to the ongoing humanitarian crisis in Afghanistan after a Taliban leader was caught on hot mic defending controversial comedian Dave Chappelle during a televised execution. The controversy arose during the beheading of Samira al-Tajiki, a 17-year-old girl suspected of reading a book. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, who was attending the event, was heard...
Why I Am Bummed by Kim Jong-un’s Weight Loss
When North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un returned to the public eye last month a slimmer version of himself, the accolades came pouring in. But while fans across Twitter were celebrating his slimmer body, I found myself feeling betrayed. When we think of a strong, powerful, decisive leader, one who will not hesitate to sentence not only his political opponents...
Saudi Prince MBS Announces He’s Now “Pro-Choice”, Women Who Dress Immodestly Can Now “Choose Punishment”
In his latest attempt to show the world that Saudi Arabia is modernizing under his leadership, the Kingdom’s maverick Prince, Muhammed “Bone Saw” Bin Salman (MBS), has officially declared the Kingdom “Pro-Choice.” Effective immediately, when ‘ankle-flashers’ and their ilk are caught violating Sharia’s Modesty Laws, they’ll get to choose from a ‘potpourri of punishments’ unimaginable under previous regimes. For example,...
Glowing Iranian Scientist with Third Ear Swears He Hasn’t Been Enriching Uranium
As security officials in Israel, the United States, and the EU voice ongoing concerns that Iran is enriching uranium for use in nuclear weapons, a top Iranian scientist has stepped forward to put their fears to rest. “Yes, I go into a secret lab every day,” said Mahmoud Salami, who has an extra ear on his forehead and emits a...
Drone Strike at School Board Takes Out High-Ranking Concerned Parent
Justice Department officials are touting an early victory in the new War on Terror after a drone strike in Loudoun County, Virginia took out the chairwoman of a prominent parent activist group. The terrorist, Karen White, was believed to be the leader of a local terror cell that opposed mask mandates and carried out a number of brazen attacks. Last...
In Nod to Texas, Jeremy Corbyn Volunteers to Write ‘Opposing View’ of Holocaust Books
With a Texas school district under fire for telling teachers to offer an “opposing view” to books about the Holocaust, a former British opposition leader has stepped in to save the day. Jeremy Corbyn, who led the UK’s Labour Party from 2015 to 2020, said that he has flown out to Texas and begun work on a series of books...
Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It
In another move aimed at supporting the anti-Israel BDS movement, Irish author Sally Rooney announced that she will double the price of her new novel to prevent Jews, notoriously stingy, from buying the book. Determined to ensure her book is not read by any Israelis or Zionists, Rooney already refused to allow her book to be translated into Hebrew. But...
Looking to Cash In on Nostalgia, God to Release Sequel to New Testament
In a move that some fans of the originals are calling a cash grab, prominent author God announced he will release a long-awaited sequel to his 100 AD smash hit ‘The Bible.’ After penning the wildly popular Hebrew Bible and New Testament, God has long resisted making another installment in the series even as works of fan fiction including The...
Brian Laundrie Lands Job at Saudi Consulate
Disgraced Instagram influencer and suspect murderer Brian Laundrie has re-emerged after a month in hiding and is now working as a visa processor at Saudi Arabia’s consulate in Miami. Laundrie, who is suspected of killing girlfriend Gabby Petito during a cross-country trip this summer, was believed to have either fled or to be in hiding. But it turns out Laundrie...
Trump Backs Anti-Sinema Protesters: ‘It’s Fine to Follow Women into the Bathroom’
Left-wing protestors who angrily followed Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema into a restroom over her opposition to a $3.5 trillion spending bill have an unexpected ally: former President Donald Trump. “Of course it’s fine to follow women in the bathroom against their will,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “How else are you supposed to grab them by the pussy?” Trump also...
Mormons Shocked to Learn Mount Sinai Not Really in Nebraska
Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been shocked by the recent discovery that Mount Sinai, the spot where Moses received the ten commandments from God, was in fact in modern day Saudi Arabia and not in Banner County, Nebraska as previously believed. Archeologists now say that the Jabal Maqula mountain in northwestern Saudi Arabia is...
Brian Laundrie Killed by US Special Forces in Pakistan
Suspected murderer Brian Laundrie was killed Thursday night by US special forces while hiding out at his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, President Biden announced in a special address to the nation. Laundrie, who was believed to be behind the death of girlfriend Gabby Petito, had somehow managed to slip past American troops in Florida and make his way through the...
Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career
White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client. “You expect to get away from it...
AOC Proposes Funding Recycled “Bamboo Dome” for Israel
Calling the Iron Dome missile defense system an environmental nightmare, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is now recommending the US instead fund the carbon-neutral “recycled Bamboo Dome.” Her suggestion came in a long Instagram post defending her “present” vote on funding the Iron Dome. “A lot of people are like, ‘well you voted against building a dome over Israel to stop the...
Equality! Taliban Bans Biological Males and Biological Females from Participating in Women’s Sports
Much like a six-foot tall Army Special Forces soldier wrestling a lady, sports organizations around the world have been wrestling with the contentious issue of transgender athletes in women’s sports. Those opposed to the idea argue that differences in size, hormones, and bone density make it unsafe for transgender athletes and cisgender athletes to compete against one another. While other...