Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business
The Mideast Beast is announcing several cutbacks following the continued buffoonery of President Donald Trump. Although the President has condemned the publication as “fake, maybe even the fakest news”, it was not his censure, but his actions, which have led to the dramatic restructuring at The Mideast Beast. Senior Researcher at the Washington Institute of Funny Shit on the Internet, Dr. Fanny Josiah, stated in a research report that The Mideast Beast has got off lightly, as satirists worldwide have...
‘Years as Hamas Prisoner Prepared Me for Marriage,’ Gilad Shalit Says
In an exclusive interview, the most famous former Hamas captive Gilad Shalit said the five years he spent as a prisoner has prepared him for his upcoming marriage. “A lot of men head into marriage not knowing what it’s like to lose all your freedoms, to have to beg for food, to be lucky if you’re allowed to use the bathroom,” Shalit, who recently announced his engagement to girlfriend Nitzan Shabbat, told The Mideast Beast. “For me, none of this...
Online Study: Anti-Semitism OK as Long as Each Post Starts, Ends With ‘I’m Not Anti-Semitic but…’
A groundbreaking new study about social media has concluded that as long as you begin your posts with “I’m not anti-Semitic or anything but…”, you are free to post whatever you want about Jews or Israel. One of the lead researchers involved in the study, Dr. Shlomi Goldstein, explained that the study originally started as an examination on the spread of hate online. “We also found that content cannot be anti-Semitic if it mentions Israel,” Goldstein said. “So if you...
Bloomberg Loses Youth Vote After He Forgets to Buy Ads on The Mideast Beast
Former mayor and Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has seen his support among young voters plummet despite millions in new media advertising after the billionaire neglected to promote a single post on The Mideast Beast, a popular political satire news site. The Bloomberg campaign made headlines by sponsoring content on several popular social media accounts in an effort to reach millennial voters. Experts say the strategy would have worked, virtually assuring him the presidency, had he not overlooked the most...
BDS Supporters Accidently Cheer Israeli-Ethiopian Soldier Beating-up Palestinian Teen
A video of a dark skinned, plain-clothed Israeli soldier brutally punching a pale, red-haired Palestinian teen was captured by a passerby, yesterday, in East Jerusalem, near a demonstration against the so-called “Deal of the Century.” The video was widely circulated on the web, confusing Americans with strong feelings and little knowledge of the Middle East conflict. “This is an expected response to the white supremacist Israeli state,” said Shaun King, a leading voice on police brutality in the US, in...
Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel
Hamas decided to celebrate Valentine’s day this year by sending over heart-shaped balloons into Israel this weekend. The balloons were mostly filled with incendiary devices and explosives. A Hamas spokesperson announced that the campaign was a part of the Valentine’s day festivities. “It’s a celebration of love, and we love to kill Jews and we thought this was the best way to express this.” Israeli police reported that they had defused several bombs shaped as pink and red hearts. Police...
Virus-Free Middle East Feeling Pretty Smug at the Moment
Residents of the Middle East have been united this week as they remain free of the latest zombie plague originating in China. Israeli bus driver Yehuda Ben-Shalom commented, “It’s just great to read about the world falling apart and not having it headlined with a picture of the Dome of the Rock. We might have to dodge the odd Palestinian chucking a rock, but none of them have ever tried to sneeze on me in a weaponised way.” Palestinian dentist...
AOC Praises Middle Eastern Leader Yasser Ben-Gurion
Looking to tout her expertise on Middle Eastern political expertise, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez cited “famed leader Yasser Ben-Gurion” in an Instagram post. “I was just reading about how famed leader Yasser Ben-Gurion predicted decades ago that President Trump would ruin things between the Israelis and Palestinians,” Ocasio-Cortez wrote on Instagram, confusing David Ben-Gurion, Israel’s first prime minister, and Palestinian Liberation Organization founder Yasser Arafat. “I don’t remember what he said, but I think it was something about falafel.”...
Jimmy Carter Offers Jews Homemade Peanut Butter if They Return to Egypt
Former US President Jimmy Carter has reportedly offered the Jews his highly coveted homemade peanut butter if they give up Zionist imposed slavery and return to freedom in Egypt. The unconventional offer comes after Carter recently criticized President Trump’s “Deal of the Century” Middle Eastern peace plan. Jimmy Carter spoke to The Mideast Beast from his decaying farm while promoting his new book “Palestine: Peanut Peace, not Trump Apartheid”. “President Trump’s peace plan endangers the implementation of a fair and...
ISIS Offshoot Wins Popularity After Describing Attacks as ‘Democratic Terrorism’
An offshoot of the Islamic militant group ISIS has seen its popularity surge among US millennials after explaining its acts of violence are in fact “democratic terrorism.” “This is nothing like the real terrorism that al Qaeda or Hezbollah carry out,” Mohammed al-Sandersi, the head of Democratic ISIS, or DISIS, told The Mideast Beast. “It is going to be good terrorism, like in Norway or Sweden.” Despite the country’s historic aversion to radical jihad, DISIS has quickly gained adherents at...
Israel Begins Direct Iran Flights, Using F-35 Combat Aircraft
Israel’s Aviation Authority has for the first time since the Islamic Revolution in 1979, greenlighted direct flights to Iran. The dramatic decision comes after relations between Iran and Israel are warming up, especially in Syria. Until flight conditions stabilize, F35, F15 and F16 combat aircraft from the Israeli Air Force will operate the flight route from Tel Aviv to Tehran. Iran’s Ayatollah Ministry of Transport did express concern that the “unilateral racist Zionist flights” would deny “frequent flyer virgin benefits...
Syria to Send Election Monitors to New Hampshire
Citing confusion and irregularities during Monday’s Democratic caucuses in Iowa, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced his country will send election monitors to oversee the upcoming primary in New Hampshire. “The citizens of the state, the country, and the world need to know whether the results of the New Hampshire election truly reflects the will of the people,” Assad said during a press conference. “It is imperative for the global community to ensure that the American people – and not party...
Syrian Observers Certify Iowa Results
Syrian election observers certified the Iowa Caucus results and Pete Buttigieg was declared the winner in a tight Iowa primary that plunged the Democratic Party into turmoil this week. The Syrian delegation was greeted as liberators and relief swept over Iowa after a week of turmoil that brought the state to its knees by a few hundred senior citizens trying to make an app on their phone work. The Syrian government received the appointment as part of its official role...
Well That Went About as Well as Expected…
Global markets, world leaders, and leading experts are breathing a collective sigh of relief as the latest peace plan, proposed by Pinocchio cosplayer of the year Jared Kushner, is turning out not to be the ‘Deal of the Century’. Middle East commentator Steve Kotkin said, “Frankly it would have been a massive pain in the ass if they’d pulled this off. A real ‘experts no nothing’ moment. Luckily for us it’s gone pretty much as expected. Which is to say,...
Iran Offers Democratic Party Election Help
After the Iowa Democratic vote-counting debacle, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has offered his election expertise to the Democratic Party. “We would like to reciprocate the Democratic candidates’ warm feelings towards our regime by offering our expertise in running completely flawless elections. Iran can help make the Democratic Party great again,” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “It has not escaped our notice that the Democratic Party candidates showed their righteous discontent with the Trump clown’s murder of our beloved...
Trump: ‘I Have Done More for America than George Washington’
In his annual State of the Union Speech, President Trump declared that he has done more for America than George Washington ever did. President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast, which he called his “second favorite fake news source, after Fox & Friends.” “Honestly, nobody has done more for America than me. What did George Washington do for America? He left a bad deal with Britain, fought a few imperial redcoats and founded our great republic. Big deal. I left...
Israeli Government To Allow Coronavirus Into Country; Less Annoying Than Ariel Gold
The Israeli interior ministry decided that, after careful consideration, it has no choice but to allow the Chinese coronavirus into the country. The ministry said this weekend that it wasn’t capable of keeping the disease out of the country and that it wouldn’t because the virus has yet to communicate any support for the BDS movement. In the last year Israel has courted several controversies by denying entry to those that it deemed didn’t support it’s right to exist. An...
Palestinians Chill as They Realize American Leadership’s Shaky Grasp of Geography
Palestinian leadership are tonight taking on a more relaxed attitude to the latest proposed peace deal as they realize that the US President has a limited knowledge of his own country’s geography, let alone places not well-endowed with golf courses and high-end burger joints. A spokesman for the PLO commented, “We are now more willing to believe that Mr. Trump simply has confused Palestine and Israel with New York and New Jersey. Where they are basically the same but different,...
US Deep State Secretary Putin Vows to Preserve Mideast Stability
US Deep State Secretary Vladimir Putin, who also happens to be the President of Russia, vows to preserve stability in the Middle East. The move comes after Putin expressed concern that his presidency may end by 2060. Putin outlined his Middle East vision to The Mideast Beast. “In an occasionally unstable Middle East, stability is a fundamental human right. I urged Netanyahu not to overreact to Iran’s assertive cultural expansion from Beirut to Baghdad and beyond.” Putin, who recently consulted...
Bloomberg Asks TruNews How Whole ‘Jew Coup’ Thing Works
Former New York City Mayor and Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg lashed out at far-right news site TruNews for warning of a potential “Jew coup,” calling it a baseless conspiracy theory and adding, “besides, if it was a real thing, how exactly would it work?” “As a Jewish American, I am shocked and offended that President Trump would credential an organization that promotes such offensive anti-Semitic tropes,” Bloomberg said. “There is no such thing as a ‘Jew coup,’ but if...