The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven
In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...
ISIS Unleashes ‘War of Micro-Aggressions’ against the US
Calling it the final phase in their mission to destroy America and turn the whole world into an Islamic caliphate, the terrorist group ISIS launched a new “war of micro-aggressions” against the US this week. “Until the American crusaders withdraw from our countries and accept Sharia Law, our warriors will appropriate their culture, subtly patronize their heritage, perpetuate harmful stereotypes and show little to no sensitivity towards Americans’ minority status in the global community,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told...
Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians
“The fact is,” the Israeli PM told world leaders at the United Nations, “a Jewish Temple used to stand right where the Al Aqsa mosque plaza now sits. Even Muslim archaeologists have reported its existence.” The temple he was talking about was Second Temple, built by King Herod, which stood for almost 600 years. And while the Romans destroyed the Temple 70 years after they nailed up a certain well-known Jewish carpenter, many modern Jews still pray for the day...
The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday
When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the four F’s.” Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family. What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of murmuring, unshowered Jews. Oh, also, you’re hungry as hell. Because you can’t eat. For 25 hours. What we’ve just described is the...
Jews Spoiling It for Middle Eastern Women’s Rights Again
Saudi officials have expressed exasperation over claims that a senior aide to Prime Minister Netanyahu, David Keyes, has been getting all ‘grabby’ with the ladies. A Saudi spokesman commented, “Just when we were making such strides here in the Kingdom, what with all the driving and a vast decrease in stoning, then we get the Jews ‘not understanding boundaries again’, just like 1967. This is why we get you to cover up girls!” An Israeli government spokesperson said, “We’re hoping that...
ISIS Recruit Thought He’d Be Drowning in Pussy by Now
19-year-old Hazem Talib assumed he’d be knee deep in warm apple pie after joining ISIS, but he has reportedly been very disappointed with the terror group’s weak poon game. “My cousins in ISIS, Mahir and Hamid, would tell me stories about getting crazy amounts of trim every single day, but I feel like I’ve been spending all my time just fending off mortar attacks and dodging airstrikes. I’ve barely gotten any action from the ladies at all,” Talib told reporters....
Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”
With an estimated 400,000 deaths and millions of displaced civilians, the Syrian War has been at the forefront of the world’s consciousness and news networks. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went to war with the Taliban and al-Qaeda?” posed Assad. “Then after the Iraq war everyone...
Marijuana Found in Armenia After Genocide, Turks Say
Turkish officials are defending their actions during the Armenian genocide, claiming that marijuana was found in the apartment of one of the slaughtered Armenians. The results of a search warrant issued 100 years after the World War I-era massacre were released this week, showing that 10 grams of the drug were found at the apartment of a young Armenian killed fleeing Ottoman forces. The announcement comes a day after Dallas police announced a similar discovery in the apartment of shooting victim Botham...
Al Qaeda Demands U.S. Adopt Metric System
Calling it his group’s ultimate and final demand, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri released a message this week, threatening massive attacks against U.S. targets unless Americans immediately and exclusively begin using the metric system. “For years, we have fought against the American crusaders for their imperialism, their attacks on Muslim countries and their support for infidel regimes,” Zawahiri explained in the video. “But it seems like now ISIS has got that covered, so if the Americans will just adopt the...
Salazar Backs Off Claims She Founded PLO
Following her convincing win in the Democratic primary, New York State Senate candidate Julia Salazar is walking back claims that she both founded the Palestine Liberation Organization and helped launch the First Intifada. Salazar, who first made headlines when her claims to be a Jewish immigrant from a working class family unraveled, looked to appeal voters on the far left by positioning herself as a leader in the Palestinian movement. “I just got so fed up with the Israeli occupation...
Mideast Peace Impossible Because All Sides Have Different Love Languages
A new academic study has suggested that Middle East conflicts may never come to an end because the warring sides all have incompatible love languages. “The primary Palestinian love language is physical touch, you see, whereas Israel’s is receiving gifts. This has caused all sorts of problems”, the author of the ground-breaking study writes. “In recent years, Palestinians have really loved exacting the physical touch aspect on Israel, with numerous young Palestinians stabbing and assaulting Israelis. Because physical touch isn’t...
Assad Loses Support After Smoking Weed on Joe Rogan Show
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has seen his coalition crumble after the dictator smoked marijuana during an appearance on the Joe Rogan Show. Assad appeared on the popular podcast in an effort to broaden his support by acting more relatable. “People always see me as the politician, or as the soldier fighting ISIS or dropping chemical weapons on Sunni schoolchildren,” Assad said during the interview. “This will give listeners the chance to know Bashar the person, and you know what, I...
Putin Admits He Wrote Nyt Op-Ed
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been revealed as the anonymous senior official who authored a controversial New York Times op-ed saying he is working to thwart parts of President Trump’s agenda. “I do not regret my decision to install Trump as a puppet leader and I appreciate many parts of his divisive agenda,” Putin told The Mideast Beast in revealing himself as the author. “However, I do not want my legacy tarnished through my association with some of his less...
Paraguay Universally Praised for Creating Mideast Peace by Moving Embassy
Paraguay has been universally praised for bringing peace to the Middle East as Israelis and Palestinians reached a final peace deal and promised to end all conflict. Peace came shortly after Paraguay’s decision to reverse their Israeli embassy move by returning their embassy to Tel Aviv on the grounds that they wanted to “achieve a broad, fair and lasting peace in the Middle East”. “It was all because of Paraguay”, one United Nations official said in a press release. “We...
White House Communications Team Hires ISIS Leader al-Baghdadi
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accepted a position last week as an assistant to Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. When asked what al-Baghdadi’s role would be, Sanders commented “He’ll just be fetching coffee, making copies, maybe being the next Attorney General, that kind of thing.” “He came into the job interview and just said ‘Look, I’ll be honest, most of my work experience involved murder, torture, genocide, but my old gig just didn’t work out and I was hoping you’d...
Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up
The Israel Defense Force (IDF) is reportedly giddy with excitement that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is putting on its big boy shoes and coming out to play. As rockets rained down on the Golan Heights, soldiers were seen high-fiving each other whilst applying ‘Next Stop Tehran’ stickers to the turrets of their tanks. A senior officer commented, “We’ve checked Google Maps this morning, and it seems a pretty straight forward route. We anticipate some delays around the Baghdad ring road, but only...
Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior
AFGHANISTAN – Terrorist leaders are reportedly disheartened after learning that ‘SJW’ doesn’t stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior. “On the news, we heard how these students were harassing Jews on U.S. campuses, and how much they love Islamists like Linda Sarsour. They refer to these students as ‘SJWs’ and we just sort of assumed SJW meant Salafi-Jihadi Warrior.” Another leader explained, “But then we got confused because then they started saying how the hijab is a symbol of women’s liberation or how...
Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career
White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client. “You expect to get away from it all for just a couple thousand years and that when you get back, all your affairs will still be in...
Israeli Officials “Honestly Haven’t a Clue” Why Duterte Was Invited
Many Israeli government officials are at a complete loss as to why President of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte, was invited to Israel and who was responsible for the screw up. “We really haven’t got a clue why this has happened or how this even started”, one source commented. “Nobody here remembers inviting him so when Duterte thanked us for the invitation and said he’d love to come, we were all shocked. The guy is a fucking madman. We already had...
‘First Man’ Replaces Buzz Aldrin with Yasser Arafat in Moon Landing
In an effort to broaden its audience and tone down overly pro-American sentiment, an upcoming biopic of astronaut Neil Armstrong features former Palestine Liberation Organization president Yasser Arafat as Apollo 11’s lunar module pilot. While retired US Air Force Colonel Buzz Aldrin was in fact the pilot and second man to walk on the moon, the directors of “First Man” said that focusing the story of the moon landing on two Americans would undercut the global nature of the achievement....