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Mideast Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Mideast Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Through a careful study of ancient writings, a team of archaeologists today revealed that ancient peoples were just as likely to be assholes as your asshole neighbor, your asshole boss, or just about any asshole you meet in daily life. “We were quite surprised by our findings,” explained team leader, Stockholm University professor Dr. Tot L. Prik.  “Based on our research, we must conclude...

Suicide Bombers’ Lives Matter: “Dismantle Racist US Police”

Suicide Bombers’ Lives Matter: “Dismantle Racist US Police”

The human Jihad rights organization Suicide Bombers’ Lives Matter (SBLM) has strongly condemned “America’s racist and imperialist police forces.” The condemnation comes at a time of violent riots and protests across America over the murder of George Floyd, a black man killed by a police officer in Minneapolis. SBLM director Chalid Said spoke to The Mideast Beast from a restaurant...

Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’
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Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’

Claiming that existing language did not go far enough to protect victims of racism and Islamophobia, House Democrats have passed a bill redefining the term “hate crime” to include “any criticism of, or disagreement with, Representative Ilhan Omar.” The bill comes after Omar’s description of the September 11 attacks as “some people did something” sparked outrage and led to criticism...

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments
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Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation...

Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively on Social Media
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Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively on Social Media

As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: the next war will be fought exclusively on social media platforms. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF officer. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging...

Stable Putinocracy Superior to Unstable Democracy

Stable Putinocracy Superior to Unstable Democracy

Russian president Vladimir Putin could stay in power until 2036 if Russian lawmakers approve of a new constitutional amendment, which would scrap the current presidential term limit. The amendment is expected to be approved, whether lawmakers like it or not, as Putin, who has been in power a mere total of 20 years, both as president and prime minister, has...

Trump Deploys “NYC Lowlife Losers” to Syria, ISIS Flees

Trump Deploys “NYC Lowlife Losers” to Syria, ISIS Flees

The remains of ISIS have fled after President Donald Trump decided to deploy “New York City COVID-19 lowlife losers” to Syria. President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast about his stroke of genius, which simultaneously ended conflicts in New York City and in what’s left of Syria. “Believe me, I normally oppose US involvement in foreign wars but I made...

ISIS Upset No One Can Tell It Blacked Out Its Profile Picture

ISIS Upset No One Can Tell It Blacked Out Its Profile Picture

The Islamic State is reportedly regretting its decision to use a black flag as its emblem, as followers of the terror group on social media are unable to tell that it supported #BlackOutTuesday. Across Facebook and Instagram, users posted pictures of a black background, some with white writing, to express their opposition to racism and support for the Black Lives...

Yemen Offers Political Asylum to Trump amid US Riots
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Yemen Offers Political Asylum to Trump amid US Riots

Yemen’s government has offered political asylum to President Trump. The offer comes after Trump was briefly evacuated to a bunker amid riots outside the White House. The Mideast Beast secured an exclusive interview with Yemen’s President Abdrabbuh Mansur Hadi. “Yemen normally has a strict travel ban on people from shithole countries such as America. However, Trump is such a charmer...

Erdogan Blasts Minneapolis Police for Releasing Journalist

Erdogan Blasts Minneapolis Police for Releasing Journalist

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has lashed out at Minneapolis police over the arrest of CNN reporter Omar Jimenez, calling it an outrage that the journalist was released within an hour with no apparent signs of torture. “The way Mr. Jimenez was treated is appalling, inexcusable and a black mark on America’s treatment of the press,” Erdogan said. “The guy...

Bernie Sanders: This Should Have Been My Revolutionary Moment
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Bernie Sanders: This Should Have Been My Revolutionary Moment

Bernie Sanders, who dropped out of the Democratic presidential race in April, spoke to The Mideast Beast about the latest developments in the US and his lack of plans. “It’s not easy to watch Biden squandering this opportunity”, said Sanders. “Cities are finally burning in revolution against the Trump regime, and I am not there to lead the charge. Only...

Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing
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Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing

As Minneapolis and dozens of other US cities were burning during riots following the murder of George Floyd by a police officer, The Mideast Beast asked Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who is known as a seasoned expert on handling crowd control, what he thought about Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey’s handling of the situation. “Well, I am a gentle, polite man...

Assad Calls NYPD on Erdogan, Tells Them “He’s African American”

Assad Calls NYPD on Erdogan, Tells Them “He’s African American”

Newly released cell phone footage recorded in Damascus shows Syrian President Bashar al-Assad calling 911 on Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. Assad called the US emergency service requesting that the New York City Police Department (NYPD) arrest Erdogan. In the footage, Assad is shown threatening Erdogan that he will call NYPD and tell them that an African American head of...

Iraqi Government to Send in Forces to Liberate America

Iraqi Government to Send in Forces to Liberate America

Stemming from a week of civil unrest, riots, and indiscriminate police brutality against throats, the United States has been chosen by Iraq as their next reform target because clearly, they can’t govern themselves. After receiving their own democratic makeover from the altruistic Bush administration, the Iraqi government realized it’s only right for them to repay the favor by liberating America...

Syria Free After Sunni Rebels Burn Down AutoZone
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Syria Free After Sunni Rebels Burn Down AutoZone

The nearly decade-long civil war in Syria has finally ended, as Sunni rebels defeated the Assad regime by burning down a Damascus AutoZone. The destruction of the local automotive parts franchise was the final nail in the coffin for the regime, which quickly surrendered and agreed to help transition the country to democracy. “We were determined to restore our rights...

Iran’s Supreme Leader: At Heart, I Am a Social Justice Warrior

Iran’s Supreme Leader: At Heart, I Am a Social Justice Warrior

Following the killing of George Floyd, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has tried to show that he is really into social justice, tweeting, “If you’re dark-skinned walking in the US, you can’t be sure you’ll be alive in the next few minutes. #ICan’tBreathe, #BlackLivesMatter”. He then dove headfirst into slavery, saying it “is one of the tragic events in history. They...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers
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Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind...

POC Reporters Ask for a Relocation to Iraq and Syria

POC Reporters Ask for a Relocation to Iraq and Syria

The leading group of black journalists in the U.S. has made a public plea for newsrooms across the country to relocate POC reporters (People of Color) to safer locales such as Syria, Iraq, Yemen, or even North Korea. The National Association of Black Journalists (NABJ) made the request via a public Facebook post minutes after a black-hispanic CNN reporter was...

God Not Ready to Go Back to Work Yet
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God Not Ready to Go Back to Work Yet

In the US, Americans are demanding that they be allowed to go back to worshiping in churches, and in Israel, the Chief Rabbi is demanding that synagogues and other religious institutions be opened. Everyone is ready to get back to religious observance except for one important figure: God The Almighty One, blessed be He says that he is just not...