Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”

Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”

Syrian officials called for international intervention and condemnation of Israel for carrying out airstrikes against their favorite bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”. One Syrian soldier told The Mideast Beast, “you know after a long day, I just wanted to relax with my buddies and have a beer or a cocktail at our favorite watering hole, but now, thanks to the Jews we can’t”.  Another Syrian soldier said: “I’m really going to miss their Sarin Bombs! They were a killer, even...

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Citing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s support for “the legitimate efforts of the Kurdish people to achieve a state of their own,” Palestinian leaders say that they will again pursue statehood but instead call their country “Kurdistan II.” “After eight years of putting off serious discussions about the creation of a state, we were beginning to wonder whether Bibi believed in legitimate political rights altogether,” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told The Mideast Beast. “As it turns out, it was just...

iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The rebooted autocorrect on iPhone 8 has been accused of making inflammatory remarks on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The first of many concerns was aired by Neil Rubinstein, who claimed “self-determination for the Jewish people” was corrected to “racism”. When he then asked Siri “what’s the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism”, she responded that no results were found for anti-Semitism, anywhere in history. Palestinian Ali Bin-Jamal was also quick to point out “Zionist sympathies”. He was still shaking when he recalled...

Is the Middle East Out of Control? Saudi Women Behind the Wheel

Is the Middle East Out of Control? Saudi Women Behind the Wheel

With the new law allowing women to drive in Saudi Arabia (set to take effect in June, 2018), will the Saudi Kingdom finally let women hold phallic fruits and vegetables (yep, that’s not allowed, either)? On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss the many no-nos in Saudi society, extreme religious nutters all over the world, and if this is really a step forward or two steps back. The Mideast Beast podcasts...

White House on Syria: All Nicknames on the Table

White House on Syria: All Nicknames on the Table

The White House released a statement that it has not yet decided on which nickname it will use for the president of Syria, Bashar al-Assad, saying: “all options are on the table”. Leaked documents from the White House posted by the White House to Twitter show that the nicknames under consideration for Assad were in no way limited to Elton John Songs: A NSC staffer was quoted as saying, “they didn’t prepare me for this shit at Georgetown”. In response,...

Following Kurdistan Vote, US Excited to Have Another Middle Eastern Country to Invade

Following Kurdistan Vote, US Excited to Have Another Middle Eastern Country to Invade

Despite public condemnation of the Kurdistan vote for independence by the US State Department, behind closed doors, US officials have been thrilled by recent developments in the Kurdish areas of Iraq. One official commented “We’re just so happy there’s something new to work with here. The American people are sick of hearing about ‘Iraq,’ Afghanistan’ or ‘Syria’. We needed something new, something spicy to invade, and the Kurds have given it to us.” According to reports, one official of the...

Saudi Dynasty Collapses After Women Permitted to Drive

Saudi Dynasty Collapses After Women Permitted to Drive

King Salman’s revocation of the controversial driving ban for women has backfired with the swiftest revolution in the Middle East to date. Just hours after the driving ban was lifted, women converged on major locations across Riyadh. Fatima Al-Fatima, the leader of the revolt, spoke from the royal palace: “We have been practicing on our husband’s dune buggies and golf carts. The plans have been in place for years. The process of establishing a matriarchal utopia in Saudi Arabia is...

‘Why Can’t I Be Rocket Man?’ Iranian Leader Laments

‘Why Can’t I Be Rocket Man?’ Iranian Leader Laments

Iran’s supreme leader is distraught over US President Donald Trump’s decision to dub North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man,” saying he has long been gunning for that title. “I have spent the better part of two decades building an illegal nuclear weapons and missile program, just so I could have a badass nickname,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “And Trump bestows this honor on that fat Korean infidel? Those damn Americans give us no respect.” “I mean...

Kurds Cancel Referendum After Iraq Opens First Whole Foods

Kurds Cancel Referendum After Iraq Opens First Whole Foods

Iraq’s Kurdish population has decided to put its dreams of independence on hold, canceling a planned referendum after the organic grocer Whole Foods opened its first location in the country. “After learning that Iraq will soon be home to a growing number of Whole Foods Markets, we have withdrawn our bid for secession,” Kurdish President Masoud Barzani said in an official statement. “We look forward to remaining part of a unified Iraq.” The Kurds had seemed determined to push forward...

Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East

Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East

Former NFL quarterback and full-time activist Colin Kaepernick has taken another controversial stand, announcing that he now plans to give up football and devote himself to hunting bald eagles to protest US military action in the Middle East. “While America invaded Iraq and Afghanistan and killed billions of innocent African (sic) children, these stupid birds had no problem masquerading as symbols of American arrogance,” Kaepernick wrote on Facebook, captioning a picture of the former San Francisco 49er holding a dead...

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday

When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the four F’s.”  Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family.  What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of murmuring, unshowered Jews.  Oh, also, you’re hungry as hell.  Because you can’t eat. For 25 hours. What we’ve just described is the...

National Rifle Association International Cuts Ribbon for New Yemen Branch

National Rifle Association International Cuts Ribbon for New Yemen Branch

The Ideology Sector continued to show growing export vigor as the National Rifle Association (NRA) opened their newest international branch in Yemen. NRA head, Wayne LaPierre, was on hand to cut the ribbon as an excited crowd shot guns into the air in celebration. “With its recognition of the fundamental right of every person to own any weapon on which he – or she! – can get their hands, Yemen offers a bright beacon by which America can chart its...

Kurds Invoke Rules of ‘Shotgun!’ for Creation of New State 

Kurds Invoke Rules of ‘Shotgun!’ for Creation of New State 

With limited international support for the unilateral referendum for an independent state, the leader of Iraqi Kurdistan Massoud Barzani has desperately invoked the rules of ‘shotgun!’ in his bid to create an independent Kurdistan. At a regional conference, the topic was raised, only to be dismissed outright in mad laughter by Iraq, Iran, and Turkey. This led Barzani to lose his cool, and shout at other leaders: “We called shotgun on this land, so good luck trying to overturn that...

Podcast Episode 15: Spies Like David Zucker, The Hollywood Jew

Podcast Episode 15: Spies Like David Zucker, The Hollywood Jew

On this episode of The Mideast Beast podcast, Molly Livingstone interviews producer of the iconic movie “Airplane,” David Zucker, and finds out if he is on a secret mission to the Middle East. What was he doing in Beirut with the Lebanese army? What does he think about Israel’s booming (no pun intended) entertainment industry? And can he bring about Middle East peace with an epic comedy? The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now!...

U.S. Wishes Israel Happy Jewish New Year by Giving It All of Its Foreign Aid

U.S. Wishes Israel Happy Jewish New Year by Giving It All of Its Foreign Aid

Last Friday Heather Nauert, a spokeswoman for the US State Department, announced that, as a gift for the Jewish New Year, all foreign assistance to all countries will be suspended…except for the State of Israel. The US House Subcommittee on State, Foreign Operations, and Related Programs made the decision after consulting with the Mossad. According to Nauert, “The complexities involved in assisting so many countries is simply too complex, and we thank the Mossad for helping us to understand just how complex...

As the Caliphate Collapses, ISIS Hands Out Feedback Forms to Residents 

As the Caliphate Collapses, ISIS Hands Out Feedback Forms to Residents 

Following increasing pressure on its strongholds, ISIS has decided to hand out feedback forms to its residents. ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, wrote a foreword to the form: “Thank you for going on this magnificent journey with us. We want to ask our Muslim brothers to just take five minutes out of their day to give some honest feedback on the regime. We want to make things as good as possible for our residents, within our parochial and rigid interpretation...

ISIS Leader Not Sure How to Top Trump’s UN Speech

ISIS Leader Not Sure How to Top Trump’s UN Speech

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is reportedly scrambling to revise his speech to the United Nations, after US President Donald Trump raised the bar by threatening to annihilate North Korea. “I had all these hair-raising lines about how we would meet America with a force never seen before, show no mercy and bring death and destruction,” Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “But then Trump threatened to destroy an entire fucking country. I mean, that’s some dark shit. How am I...

Security Report: Things Are Suspiciously Quiet between Israelis and Palestinians

Security Report: Things Are Suspiciously Quiet between Israelis and Palestinians

Security forces, as well as World News enthusiasts in general, have wondered why things are perhaps a bit too quiet on the Israeli-Palestinian front. “We’re used to seeing something about Israel and Palestine on the news,” said one CNN junkie. “But now it’s just bombs in Europe, racism in the US, and Anthony Weiner. Hell, not even Syria is on the news now. I’ve got to go to The Mideast Beast to get that sort of coverage.” “I admit, the...

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

Admitting that the group had nearly run out of underage girls for its fighters, the Islamic State has reached out to former US Congressman Anthony Weiner, offering the embattled politician asylum in the caliphate in exchange for his contact book. The offer comes as Weiner, once a leading candidate in New York City’s mayoral race, faces possible jail time after he allegedly exchanged sexually explicit messages with a 15-year-old girl through Twitter. “Anthony, join us in the land of the...

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, a handful of their fighters may be saved from measles or polio, but the thousands of...