Man Who Designed ISIS Flag Finally Fired for Shitty Circle Drawing

Man Who Designed ISIS Flag Finally Fired for Shitty Circle Drawing

Walid al-Mukdasan, the man hired by ISIS to design and produce their flags, has been let go by the terror group in a move which many of the designer’s longstanding critics say is “better late than never.” Pressure has long mounted on the group’s leadership to fire al-Mukdasan who designed the notorious flag constituting the shahada and the so-called Seal of Mohammed. “I mean, have you seen that thing”, one prominent critic commented. “it’s an absolute joke. You call that...

Strike a Pose, The New Middle East Conflict, and Its Face lift (New TMB Podcast!)

Strike a Pose, The New Middle East Conflict, and Its Face lift (New TMB Podcast!)

Image is everything, and this week on the Mideast Beast Podcast hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss just how true that is when it comes to looking good in the Middle East conflict. The issues are not the standard ones, but more about gay couples, getting your face on for Ramadan, and how to cover up, so to speak. Is the peace talking finally being replaced by a picture that could say a thousand words? The Mideast Beast podcasts...

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on Ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protestors earlier this month, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from the UN Human Rights Council declared. “It was Memorial Day Weekend and they were Ambien firing.” The council...

Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza

Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza

Officials from Hamas are meeting later this week to discuss the finer points of slaughtering Jews. Representatives from the political and military branches, as well as religious authorities, are debating the possibility of implementing Halal butchering methods when stabbing Jews, whether male or female. In a speech, Mahmoud al-Bashiri, a Hamas leader explained, “We must consider adopting Halal methods when we finally slaughter all the Jews. It is widely accepted that the Jews are animals and thus we must take...

Trump Visits Holocaust Memorial, Says Victims ‘Would Have Hated Crooked Hillary’

Trump Visits Holocaust Memorial, Says Victims ‘Would Have Hated Crooked Hillary’

Speaking at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum, President Trump declared Tuesday that victims of the genocide “would be very happy and proud at how well our country is doing.” “Anne Frank, you like her, right? Let me tell you, she would be so happy that I finally got the NFL to make those bums stand for our national anthem. Nice!” Trump declared, as other attendees looked on in stunned silence. “And you think she would have voted for Crooked Hillary?...

Trayon White Calls for Negotiations with the Jews to End Baltimore Flooding

Trayon White Calls for Negotiations with the Jews to End Baltimore Flooding

With the Baltimore area devastated by heavy flooding, DC Councilman Trayon White has called for negotiations with the Jews who control the weather. “It is time for us to put aside our hostility for the Rothschildren (sic) and other Jewish bankers and ask them what we must do to get this rain to end,” White, who made headlines for saying that the Jewish family controls the climate, explained. “The Jews gave us this weather, and only the Jews can take...

New Poll: 81% of Syrians Thought Coalition Strikes “Just Regular Civil War Shit”

New Poll: 81% of Syrians Thought Coalition Strikes “Just Regular Civil War Shit”

In the wake of US, UK, and French airstrikes on Syria, a new poll by the University of Damascus indicated that 63% of the population thought the bombing was “nothing out of the ordinary”. “I woke up to the regular sound of civil war,” said an eyewitness. “I wish I had known about the airstrike. I could have skipped work.” The data was described by an expert as unremarkable. “Wait, the airstrikes were done by whom?” said a researcher at...

Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven

Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven

According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious: despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in painful sores, and going to the toilet is excruciating,” relayed Shapiro. According to Shapiro – who learnt Arabic from her...

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out.  Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...

Fulbright Scholars Visit Palestine’s New Museum of Human Sacrifice

Fulbright Scholars Visit Palestine’s New Museum of Human Sacrifice

With a crop of International Studies majors in the audience, Former Prime Minister of the State of Palestine, Ismail Haniyeh, announced the opening and dedication of a museum on human sacrifice.  “For years I have campaigned on the principle that we as Palestinians are a people who value death, just like our enemies in Israel value life,” Mr. Haniyeh announced, standing in front of a museum adorn with a skull and crossbones.  “This museum will redouble our people’s commitment to value...

Israel’s Defense Minister Says Israel Should Leave the Jedi High Council

Israel’s Defense Minister Says Israel Should Leave the Jedi High Council

Israel’s Defense Minister, Avigdor Lieberman, has refused to back down on his remarks last Thursday when he called for Israel to withdraw from the United Nations Human Rights Council, despite the fact that Israel is not a member of the council. Rather than admit his mistake, he doubled down and has released a further statement calling for Israel to withdraw her membership from numerous other international bodies. “Frankly, it is a disgrace that we are members of a whole host...

Netanyahu Criticizes Hamas for Harming Israeli Bullets

Netanyahu Criticizes Hamas for Harming Israeli Bullets

Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has publicly condemned the 62 Palestinians killed during the rioting on the Gazan border. Speaking to the press, Netanyahu said “These Arab rioters should feel ashamed for disrupting the travels of these brave, innocent Jewish bullets on their way through Gaza. Those bullets were simply minding their own business when they were ruthlessly assaulted by Hamas operatives trying to destroy Israel with rocks and kites.” Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri shot back at Netanyahu, commenting, “Those...

Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur on ‘Make Up Sexy Headline, Rinse, Lather, Repeat’

Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur on ‘Make Up Sexy Headline, Rinse, Lather, Repeat’

Reality is a lot like reality TV, the more fake it is, the more the truth sticks out. On this episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone has a deep conflicted conversation with Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur. From his complicated name, to the complicated Middle East, to the complications of being a journalist when it comes to telling the story, the two battle it out to figure it out: reality. beliefs. emotions. And if...

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

The tragic high school shooting in Santa Fe, Texas has pushed the NRA to its emotional brink. The rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness apparently do not apply to the nearly 50 million students in American public schools, but the obscure and outdated second amendment right remains unscathed. “It’s time something is done. Our years of thoughts and prayers have proven to be mere wastes of time, as they have not been coupled with action,” spokesperson Dana...

UN Human Rights Council: Shoot (Your Mouth Off) First, Ask Questions Later

UN Human Rights Council: Shoot (Your Mouth Off) First, Ask Questions Later

In a vote for an inquiry regarding the recent clashes at Israel’s border with Hamas-controlled Gaza, Australia voted against the resolution on the basis that “The UNHRC resolution pre-judged the outcome of an inquiry”.  Britain abstained from the vote on the basis that it could not support an investigation that ignored Hamas’s role, and any media coverage of the conflict might interfere with celebration of Meghan and Harry’s wedding.   UNHRC chief, Zeid Ra’ad al-Hussein (who has no ingrained bias against Israel), has responded...

Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag

Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag

In a negotiating blunder, US President Donald Trump has agreed to lift all economic sanctions on the North Korean regime and withdraw American troops from the peninsula in exchange for a lifetime supply of North Korean t-shirts, hats and paraphernalia. Reeling from sanctions and fearing a military strike, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un entered the meeting prepared to dismantle his nuclear program, release all political prisoners and allow for democratic elections. Seated across from Trump, Kim began, “In exchange for...

Gazans Officially Run Out of Things to Set Fire To

Gazans Officially Run Out of Things to Set Fire To

Following weeks of protests and riots along the Gaza border with Israel as part of their “March of Return”, one Hamas spokesman has announced that Gaza has officially run out of things to set fire to, and has declared a state of emergency. “It’s official”, the spokesman said in a statement, “we’ve literally run out of things to burn. We’ve got nothing, zilch, nada. Frankly, this is a disaster as it will leave tens of thousands of Gazans even more...

Hamas Officially Changes Name to ‘Unarmed Protestors’

Hamas Officially Changes Name to ‘Unarmed Protestors’

The Palestinian Islamic Resistance Movement, previously known as Hamas, has agreed to change its name to “Unarmed Protestors,” saving scores of newspaper editors and humans rights organizations from being forced to issue corrections. The name change comes after Hamas admitted that most Palestinians killed last week on the Gaza border were members of the militant group, contradicting claims in publications like the Washington Post as well as from politicians including Bernie Sanders. Media and other organizations that had criticized Israel for...

Laurel and Yanny Mideast Style

Laurel and Yanny Mideast Style

In one of the latest viral internet stories, a recording of the word “Laurel” is heard by many as “Yanny”.  While the original recording was actually “Laurel”, the alternate version can be heard if the individual has a deficiency hearing certain frequencies, or if certain frequency information is deliberately lowered and others are intentionally increased. A number of similar phrases have been identified in the Middle East, including “We will take down the border and we will tear their hearts...

Trump on Gaza Border Killings: “We Could’ve Killed Twice That Many in Half the Time.”

Trump on Gaza Border Killings: “We Could’ve Killed Twice That Many in Half the Time.”

While many world leaders have been quick to condemn the killing of nearly 60 Palestinian protestors at the Gaza border, President Donald Trump has not only defended the action but has even gone so far as to say it was insufficient. Late Tuesday evening he tweeted, “If anything, Israel has been too soft on the Palestinians. We could’ve killed twice that many, in half the time. Sad!” The following morning, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the president’s...