Obama Urges Trump Not to Meet Iran without Preconcessions
With US President Donald Trump saying he would meet with Iran’s leaders “whenever they want,” former President Barack Obama is urging his successor not to sit down with the ayatollahs without first making a number of significant preconcessions. “The key to negotiating a successful Iran deal is to not come to the table until you’ve given in on at least one key point, ensuring that you’ve reduced your leverage and weakened your bargaining position,” Obama told reporters. “Heck, we promised...
Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls
Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and Trump, and they...
World Peace Achieved After Trump Runs Out of Cell Data, Can’t Tweet
Peace and prosperity have been achieved across the globe after US President Donald Trump ran out of data on his cell plan and was unable to use Twitter. The ensuing calm not only gave Americans a chance to catch their breaths but allowed world leaders to focus on solving their own countries’ problems. Within 48 hours, all conflicts had ended. “I was about to tweet something really bombastic about how we’re going to burn Israel in a wave of fire,...
If You Can Read This, Then There Is Still Freedom of Speech Online… For Now
Amazing podcast with Times of Israel’s Political Correspondent, Raoul Wootliff Click here to go straight to Sound Cloud Mark Zuckerberg might be Jewish, but Israel doesn’t want his social media monster online. Yep, turns out the government tried to pass a bill to take down freedom of speech one post at a time, which would make Israel the first democracy to enforce censorship on social media. But it was just a big mistake (add laugh track here), caught by Times of...
Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East
Washington D.C. — New leaks from the White House have revealed that the Trump Administration is fed up with generals who have strong understandings of the cultural, political, and historical nuances of the Middle East. One staffer (who wished to remain anonymous) told reporters, “President Trump is furious because Secretary of Defense Mattis told him that ‘Operation Turn Baghdad into a Parking Lot’ was not a viable strategy. I think it was actually Bannon’s idea, but Trump really had his...
New ISIS Recruits Shocked to Discover Fellow Jihadists Aren’t Very Friendly
Fresh faced ISIS recruits arrived in Syria last week, eagerly awaiting what is sure to be an adventure of a lifetime, pillaging towns, murdering civilians who don’t meet an arbitrary definition of what it means to be Muslim, and of course building bonds and brotherhood with fellow ISIS fighters. As the new recruits joined the ranks, however, some started having second thoughts. “I was a little surprised,” one fighter was explained, under condition of anonymity fearing that his fellow Jihadists...
Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols
As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it was a Mosque, so I was pretty upset, but then I saw that it was a school promoting coexistence, and...
Israel Tells Turkey, “You Went Full Hitler, You Never Go Full Hitler”
Israel has rebuked Turkey for going “Full Hitler” way too early into an argument the two were conducting early Saturday evening. The disagreement started, as it often has, over something Israel said it had heard Syria say about Turkey behind its back. “It was just your standard smack talk. You know, if you come over my border again I’m going to treat you like you were Armenian,” Israel commented. “However, we think Turkey was further down the bottle of Raki...
Elon Musk Lashes Out at Human Rights Groups For Ridiculing His Two-State Solution Submarine
Elon Musk, desperate to find a use for his newly constructed submarine which Thailand’s divers declined to use for their daring rescue mission, has invited further ridicule for his suggestion that his invention could be used to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “Some say that PR stunts and loads of money being thrown at expensive toys can’t solve everything”, the billionaire engineering entrepreneur said in a statement. “Well, I disagree. Just look at Donald Trump and his golf courses. OK, bad...
Hamas Chief Says He Misspoke and Meant to Say He Sees No Reason Why Israel “Shouldn’t” Exist
Following rebuke from international observers for a speech in which he questioned Israel’s right to exist and called for her destruction, senior Hamas figure, Ismail Haniyeh, claims he misspoke and went before the press to say that he “realized there is some need for clarification”. “In a key sentence in my remarks I said the word ‘should’ instead of ‘shouldn’t’. The sentence should have been: ‘I don’t see any reason why that filthy Zionist entity of land thieves and child...
ISIS Leader Fired After Decade-Old Reasonable Tweets Resurface
The Islamic State’s board of directors has fired Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi after past tweets surfaced in which the cleric used reasonable language to make sensible proposals. “Good move by @alQaeda attacking Jews&Westerners first and leaving Shiites 4 later,” one 2009 Tweet read. “2 declare Caliphate and try to kill every1 immediately=very stupid.” Another offensive tweet, this one from 2008, read, “Killing infidels is enough – no need for brutal torture!” The most repugnant, however, appeared to condemn pedophilia, saying...
Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”
The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long as the amount of government oppression does not exceed UN recommended levels. In one recent study, 47% of Americans thought...
ISIS Leader to Trump: ‘Stop Calling Me with Nuclear Codes’
Saying that he just could not deal with the constant phone calls, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has asked US President Donald Trump to stop calling him at all hours of the night to discuss US state secrets. “At first, I thought it was a tremendous victory that the head of the infidels would call me, unprompted, and tell me about confidential US military missions or which of my fighters is secretly a spy,” the ISIS caliph told The Mideast...
Mossad to Train Russia on Making Assets Less Obvious
Insisting that Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Service – the successor to the KGB – must do a better job of disguising its assets, Israel’s Mossad has invited the agency’s leadership to Tel Aviv for a one-on-one seminar in how to train recruits. “The SVR has done a tremendous job of finding high-level assets in influential nations and bringing them fully on board with the agency’s mission,” an unnamed Mossad source told The Mideast Beast, referring to the service by its Russian...
Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’
The Gaza-based Palestinian Islamist group Hamas chided The Onion yesterday for its anti-Israel obsession, urging the Wisconsin-based satirical publication to “focus more on the LOLs.” The group’s message comes more than two months after an outbreak of violence led to a series of Onion articles that, in the words of Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, “were the kind of anti-Israel rants we normally only see when Ahmed’s chugging the fermented goat’s milk.” “Listen, we love hearing people rip on those Jews...
UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Fire Kites
The United Nations General Assembly issued a resolution Monday condemning Israeli farmers for damaging Palestinian flaming kites, which Gazans have been sending over the border into southern Israel, causing millions of dollars in damages to Israel’s agricultural economy. According to the United Nations, the kites are often damaged upon impact before the Israeli fields burst into flames. “In a typical case of disproportionate Israeli aggression, Israeli farmers are now using their gigantic fields of various agricultural products to destroy significantly...
Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country
Confronted over her baffling explanation of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict on PBS’s “Firing Line,” Democratic House candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted that she had no idea that there’s a literal country called “Israel” or an aspiring nation called “Palestine.” Ocasio-Cortez acknowledged that her opposition to the “occupation” stemmed from her Socialist aversion to anything that sounded like it might have to do with a job. “I just think Israel should end the occupation, because like, we’re all people, so why should the...
Activists Leave Birthright Trip to Protest Lack of Hot Israeli Soldiers
In another courageous protest against the occupation, a third group of Jewish activists has left its free Birthright trip to take a stand against the lack of hot Israeli soldiers on their tour bus. “We came to Israel on Birthright to get a complete and accurate picture of our ancestral homeland by having sex with muscular, tan special forces commanders, but instead we got stuck with two skinny privates and some guy in the IDF’s IT department,” Sarah Greenstein, a 22-year-old...
ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement
In the wake of pop star Justin Bieber’s engagement to model Hailey Baldwin, ISIS has issued a fatwa calling for the death of the latter on the grounds that she is seeking to “steal and pervert a national treasure of the Islamic State.” “We’re not only believers in our cause for Jihad, but are, above all, beliebers”, the heartbroken Islamic terror group said in its statement. “Now this Western temptress wants to take the Bieb away from us and we...
U.S. Dad Excited to Find Internet’s Cheapest Family Cruise off Somali Coast
A local dad from Gary, Indiana named Doug Seaver is stoked to have found what he is reporting to be “the best deal in the history of the Internet.” He reportedly scored five tickets for a family cruise off the coast of Somalia, plus airfare, all for just $17.99. “When I saw this deal I was stunned. My wife asked if I’m buying tickets for our two teenage daughters and newborn baby and I was like ‘what do you think I’m an...