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UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien
The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for the recent rocket-fire hitting southern Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for firing rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,”...
Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair
The political implications are as grave as the story is improbable. A Hamas Qassam-4 Rocket and an Israeli Iron Dome Interceptor have sent letters to their respective commanders declaring that they can no longer hide their love. “When I first laid eyes on her, it was the kind of thing that you feel deep in your fuselage,” said the Interceptor...
Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”
The Syrian Civil War, which continues to rage, has claimed an estimated 500,000 deaths, along with millions of displaced civilians. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went...
American Podcaster Jailed After Saying AOC was “Not his Favorite”
A well-known podcaster has been arrested after allegedly threatening the controversial U.S. congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) on Twitter. Two hours after tweeting that AOC was “not his favorite person” due to her comments (and comparisons) on the Israel-Palestine conflict, podcaster Jacob Barns was arrested by plainclothes agents working for the Bureau for the Investigation of Trash-Talking, Curse Words and...
Iron Dome Selfies “Not a Good Idea”, Says Institute of Basic Common Sense
A startling new report from the Institute of Basic Common Sense, suggests that in general people should use the time given by the warning siren of incoming rockets to seek immediate shelter for themselves and their families. In a move guaranteed to cause controversy it suggests that people using the time to position themselves for the perfect Instagram image are,...
Vaccinated Astronauts Alone in Outer Space Can Remove Masks, CDC Says
Following Fox News’ conservative host Tucker Carlson’s controversial comments on wearing masks, the Centers for Disease Control aimed to strike a balance and has relaxed its restrictions for vaccinated Americans. The CDC now says that those who are fully vaccinated can remove their masks, as long as they are astronauts who are at least 250 miles above the Earth’s surface...
France Says Hitler Not to Blame for Holocaust After Learning He Smoked Pot First
The French government has absolved former German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler of his role in launching World War II and the Holocaust after learning that the Nazi leader had smoked cannabis before hatching his plan for genocide and world domination. Under French law, a perpetrator who commits an anti-Semitic act, no matter how barbaric, cannot be held responsible if he or...
Kerry Reveals to Iranians that ‘Israeli Salad’ Just Tomatoes and Cucumbers
In another shocking breach of Israel’s national security, leaked audio reveals that former US Secretary of State John Kerry revealed to high-ranking Iranian security officials that the famous “Israeli Salad” is nothing more than chopped cucumbers and tomatoes with a little bit of red onion and lemon juice. “You know, for years I’ve been hearing about how great this ‘Israeli...
Jewish Extremists Were Really Yelling “Death to Ahab” in Reference to Moby Dick
In a shocking defense tactic for the Jewish extremist group, Lehava, who stormed Palestinian neighborhoods in East Jerusalem last weekend, the leaders of the attacks are claiming that contrary to popular belief they were not shouting “Death to Arabs,” but in fact were shouting “Death to Ahab,” after reading Moby Dick and watching the hit Netflix Documentary Seaspiracy in one...
Confused Biden Mistakenly Recognizes Armadillo Genocide
After preparing to make history with his recognition of the Armenian genocide, US President Joe Biden appeared to draw a blank when trying to remember the name of the national group and instead marked the anniversary of the “Armadillo genocide.” “Today, we must keep the memory of those who died in the genocide of the, uh, Armanis? No, that’s not...
Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’
Following a successful vaccine rollout, Israel is finally beginning to reopen and ‘get back to normal’. At the same time, the state is attempting to maintain a balance to stave off future lockdowns. While many countries across the globe struggle to create a new social contract for our collective new reality, it seems Israel has a blueprint at hand. “We...
Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It
Israel’s High Court has declared annexation of the West Bank as ‘unconstitutional’, thus potentially putting a stopper in Netanyahu’s despotic pursuits. However, never one to be deterred by minor rules, such as international law, the Prime Minister took a bold stance against the ruling, claiming that annexation is not “illegal”, it’s merely “socially distant from the law”. Much like his...
Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’
Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents seen by The Mideast Beast....
Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols
As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it...
China Agrees to Reduce Carbon Emissions as Long as They Can Keep Uyghur Camps
In what the Biden administration and many on the Left are touting as a victory, the Chinese government has agreed to reduce CO2 emissions by 40% by the year 2030. All they asked in return was that they be permitted to continue their ongoing genocide against the Uyghur population in the “autonomous” province of Xinjiang, Western media outlets, such as...
‘We’ll Probably Get Sick of Islamic Extremism in Five Months,’ Taliban Admit
With President Joe Biden promising to withdraw all American troops from Afghanistan in September, Taliban officials say they plan to lay down their arms and accept Western democracy instead of waiting an additional five months to retake the country. “If America left today, we would happily overrun the Afghan government and institute stringent Sharia Law,” Taliban leader Mawlawi Hibatullah Akhundzada...
Al Qaeda Learns ‘Words are Violence,’ Launches Attack of Insensitive Remarks
The terror group al Qaeda has announced a major shift in its strategy after discovering that racially insensitive comments and microaggressions now count as violence. Recently, the group released a video that Slate has called its most violent attack since 9/11, as leader Ayman al-Zawahiri read out a series of subtly offensive statements. “We at al Qaeda would like to...
Islamic State to End Attacks on U.S., Saying, “With Their Gun Violence, They’ve Got It Covered”
With 45 mass shootings in the U.S. in the last month alone, the remaining members of the Islamic State (IS) terrorist group have announced that it will cease all further attacks against the superpower. “It’s glorious – they are doing our job for us!” said IS spokesman Mahmud bin Ahmadi in a video posted online. “We were all set to...
‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining
An intersectional coalition of leftists’ movements in the US has announced they will stop social distancing because it is a “colonialist, imperialist, abusive, and extractive appropriation of the culture of the people of Gaza.” The call to action was announced Monday evening on social media. The unnecessarily long post explained that social isolation is an ancient practice in Gaza, dating...
‘We Had Half the Population Covering their Faces Pre-Covid,’ Brag Saudis
A new PR campaign celebrating the ingenuity and modernity of Saudi Arabia is bragging about its strict Islamic laws, which have required women to cover their faces for decades before Covid-19. “For so many years the West gave us shit for making women cover up, now all of these liberal U.S. governors are forcing even men to do the same,”...