Satire

‘I Only Share Nuclear Secrets with the Best People,’ Trump Vows

‘I Only Share Nuclear Secrets with the Best People,’ Trump Vows

Responding to reports that the FBI raided his Mar-a-Lago home in search of classified nuclear documents, former President Donald Trump assured that he only shares highly sensitive nuclear secrets, such as the launch codes and the location of nuclear weapons, with “the very best people.” “Everyone is like, ‘Woah, Trump stole nuclear documents from the White House and brought them...

Raid on Mar-A-Lago Proves Trump Hair a Comb Over, FBI Says
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Raid on Mar-A-Lago Proves Trump Hair a Comb Over, FBI Says

Monday’s raid on the Mar-A-Lago home of former US President Donald J. Trump has produced “indisputable proof” that the former president has for years been covering up his receding hairline, senior FBI officials confirmed. Federal officials took the dramatic step after receiving an anonymous tip that, despite the appearance of a full head of hair, Trump is in fact completely...

Al-Qaeda Shocked Biden Won’t Swap for Imprisoned Kyrie Irving

Al-Qaeda Shocked Biden Won’t Swap for Imprisoned Kyrie Irving

Expecting a bonanza similar to that offered to Russia in exchange for imprisoned WNBA star Brittney Griner, al-Qaeda officials are reportedly shocked at how stingy the Biden administration is being in negotiations for NBA star Kyrie Irving. The Islamist terror group, which captured Irving after luring him to Yemen to play in the Jihadi Basketball Association, hoped to trade him...

British Protests, Violence Mark 246 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

British Protests, Violence Mark 246 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans put social distancing – severe political polarization and women’s rights – on hold to celebrate the 246th anniversary of its independence with barbeques at Omicron-ridden gatherings, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out...

Netanyahu Says He Was Forced Into Opposition Because Lawmakers Wanted to Date Him

Netanyahu Says He Was Forced Into Opposition Because Lawmakers Wanted to Date Him

Taking a page from US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s playbook, former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu now blames strong sexual attraction from fellow creepy weirdo members of the Knesset for his failure to form a government last year. Netanyahu says that nearly all lawmakers believed he was the best choice to lead the Jewish State for another term but were so...

With de Blasio Gone, Assad Excited to Once Again be World’s Worst Leader
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With de Blasio Gone, Assad Excited to Once Again be World’s Worst Leader

After eight years languishing in the number two spot, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad proudly reclaimed the title of “world’s worst leader” on New Year’s Day when New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio officially left office. Assad had held the title from 2011 to 2014 after launching a relentless campaign against Syrian civilians, as his nation descended into civil war....

2022 off To Good Start After World Leaders Reveal Truly Inspirational New Year’s Resolutions
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2022 off To Good Start After World Leaders Reveal Truly Inspirational New Year’s Resolutions

Across the globe, and especially in the Middle East, leaders and politicians – from popes to Ayatollahs and from Presidents to Vice Presidents – rang in 2022 with their own New Year’s resolutions. The Mideast Beast, in a joint operation with Wikileaks, has exclusively obtained documents revealing the New Year’s Resolutions of the following political figures: Russian President Vladimir Putin:...

Palestinians Hire Kevin McCallister to Train in Anti-Occupation Resistance
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Palestinians Hire Kevin McCallister to Train in Anti-Occupation Resistance

Looking to finally achieve independence, the Palestinian Authority has hired Chicago resident Kevin McCallister to advise the government on how to resist occupation against a stronger invading force. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas reached out to McCallister after seeing how he fought off attempts by a crime duo known as the “Wet Bandits,” first in his family’s home outside Chicago and...

ISIS-K Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’
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ISIS-K Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

Santa Claus is being held by ISIS-K fighters in Afghanistan, as the Islamic State in the Khorasan Province is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS-K fighter in a video delivered to Al Jazeera’s...

Santa’s Sleigh Lodged in Suez Canal
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Santa’s Sleigh Lodged in Suez Canal

As if supply chain disruptions weren’t bad enough already, Tuesday evening Santa’s sleigh became jackknifed in the Suez Canal, blocking boat traffic indefinitely. While attempting to unload a pallet of PlayStation 5’s from a cargo ship for the few good Christian children in the Middle East, Donner and Blitzen backed up too quickly, tangled their reigns, and lodged Santa’s Sleigh...

After Botox Scandal, Saudi Camel Pageant to Focus More on Q&A Portion

After Botox Scandal, Saudi Camel Pageant to Focus More on Q&A Portion

This year’s King Abdulaziz Camel Pageant was rocked by scandal when 43 contestants were disqualified for using Botox injections and other cosmetic surgeries to enhance their appearance. In order to discourage other camels from making dangerous body modifications, officials have announced that, going forward, scoring will rely more on the question-and-answer portion, rather than a camel’s sheer sex appeal. “We...

ISIS Accuses Biden of Plagiarizing ‘Winter of Death’ Speech

ISIS Accuses Biden of Plagiarizing ‘Winter of Death’ Speech

President Joe Biden has once again been accused of plagiarism, with accusations this time centering on a speech encouraging Covid-19 vaccines which ISIS leaders say was lifted nearly verbatim from the group’s former Caliph. The speech, which had already drawn criticism from conservatives for its dark message, touted the efficacies of vaccines but carried a stern message for those who...