Satire

LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season

LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season

Calling them “misinformed” and blasting them for causing what he called a “really difficult week,” Lakers superstar LeBron James has called on protestors in Hong Kong to just relax until after the NBA season ends. “My team and I had like a 20-hour flight to China, and I really think these protestors didn’t stop and think about how their actions would affect our trip here,” James tweeted. “I’m not addressing the substance of their protests, but couldn’t they have waited...

ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph

ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph

The Islamic State has made US President Donald Trump the first non-Muslim to earn the title of “Honorary Caliph,” celebrating the American leader for helping to free more than 1,000 ISIS fighters. The distinction came after Trump announced that he would withdraw all forces from northern Syria, abandoning his Kurdish forces which long stood as the greatest threat to ISIS. Within days, thousands of Islamic State fighters had been freed from prison, paving the way for the terror group to...

Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms

Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms

In a dramatic reversal, leading Democrats are now supporting President Donald Trump’s sudden withdrawal from Syria’s Kurdish regions after it was revealed that the Kurdish government does not require businesses to operate gender-neutral bathrooms. Trump’s decision to pull troops and allow Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to invade the region had prompted bipartisan outrage, particularly after reports emerged of heavy civilian casualties. But that began to change after video of the Turkish onslaught showed a Kurdish business with restrooms clearly...

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working

With the Middle East once again in turmoil, Jared Kushner, who has high hopes of becoming a ‘real boy’ one day soon, believes his iPhone may have malfunctioned. A spokesman for the wooden puppe….. senior advisor to the President commented, “Jared is certain he hasn’t dropped his phone down a toilet recently, so he thinks this might be to do with a new software update he hasn’t installed. We’ve urged him to get down to an Apple Store but he...

Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus

Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus

Facing increasing criticism over his decision to abandon his Kurdish allies despite their key role in the fight against ISIS, US President Donald Trump now claims his decision stems from the Kurds’ refusal to intervene in the execution of Jesus nearly 2,000 years. Trump first claimed that the Kurds had not fought alongside Americans during the invasion of Normandy, justifying his recent betrayal. But when it was pointed out that Kurds were thousands of miles away from the European theater...

‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags

‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags

Declaring that he was “absolutely tremendous” at betraying his country’s most loyal allies, US President Donald Trump declared in a press conference that he was the most prolific leader in US history at fucking over the Kurds. “Frankly, a lot of presidents were really pathetic when it came to convincing the Kurds to risk their lives on our behalves, and then leaving them to be slaughtered as soon as we didn’t need them anymore,” Trump told reporters. “A lot of...

NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass

NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass

The NBA has demanded an apology from Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey after his tweet criticizing Syria’s Bashar al-Assad nearly caused the strongman to cancel his cable subscription. The controversy arose after Morey tweeted, “Wishing for peace in Syria, and an end to the senseless killing.” Assad responded angrily, writing in a strongly worded letter to NBA Commissioner Adam Silver that he was “seriously considering cancelled my subscription to the NBA League Pass and leaving a negative review on...

Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty

Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty

The latest effort to open up the Kingdom has not been met with the anticipated level of excitement from the international business community. One Western CEO commented, “OK great, now I can technically share a room with Karen from accounts when we are next in Riyadh. But how is that really going to happen if we can’t get properly buzzed first in the hotel bar? Think about it. She has to get over the fact that I’m a middle-aged guy...

Mossad Studies Qatar Olympics Preparation for Tips

Mossad Studies Qatar Olympics Preparation for Tips

Israeli security services have been studying with interest efforts by the Qatari authorities to snuff people out using unusual methods. A spokesman commented, “We pride ourselves on being the masters of ensuring that people we have an issue with have all sorts of unfortunate accidents. But these guys’ Olympic organizing committee is doing some next level shit. Heat, height and sleep deprivation are all proven ‘accident’ enablers, but it’s really the clever combinations they are putting together that are so...

Netanyahu Hospitalized After Pounding 5780 Shots for Jewish New Year

Netanyahu Hospitalized After Pounding 5780 Shots for Jewish New Year

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu will begin the New Year in the hospital after attempting to take 5780 shots of liquor – one for each year in the Jewish calendar – in a Rosh Hashanah celebration that soon spun out of control. The embattled premier – in the midst of desperately trying to form a coalition and stay in power – broadcast a live Rosh Hashanah greeting wishing Israelis a happy and sweet New Year. He finished with a toast...

Hamas Environment Minister Vows to Cut Tire Burning 20% by 2030

Hamas Environment Minister Vows to Cut Tire Burning 20% by 2030

In one of the region’s most ambitious initiatives to address climate change, Hamas Minister of the Environment Ahmet al-Buluti has vowed to reduce tire-burning emissions 20% by 2030. “We must all do our part to confront the reality of global warming, and these targets will be an important step towards reducing our carbon footprint,” al-Buluti said in a press conference. “By 2050, we hope to cut tire-burning emissions in half, because all nations must make sacrifices to ensure that our...

Trump to Withhold Aid Until Israel Opens More Hummus Joints

Trump to Withhold Aid Until Israel Opens More Hummus Joints

Calling it a “hard but necessary threat,” President Donald Trump confirmed he had spoken with Israeli (sorta) Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu regarding the possibility of withholding foreign aid from the Jewish State. The phone call covered many security issues in the region, including increased Iran and Hezbollah activity. However, according to an official transcript released by the White House, Trump identified the biggest threat to the region’s stability as the decline in the number of hummus joints found in the...

Malaysian Prime Minister Named Chair of Women’s March

Malaysian Prime Minister Named Chair of Women’s March

In its latest effort to mitigate accusations of anti-Semitism, the Women’s March has named Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Bin Mohamad, who has called Jews hook-nosed and said that he is proud to be called anti-Semitic, as its new board chairman. The Malaysian prime minister replaced Samia Assed, who was revealed to have posted anti-Semitic tweets. Assed herself had replaced Zahroo Billoo due to the latter’s anti-Semitism after Billoo replaced outspoken anti-Semite Linda Sarsour. “We’ve been trying really hard to find...

Whistleblower Blames Zionist Elders’ Broken Weather Machine for Climate Change Chaos

Whistleblower Blames Zionist Elders’ Broken Weather Machine for Climate Change Chaos

A whistleblower has come forward to confirm that the chaos afflicting the world is the result of a malfunctioning weather machine belonging to the Council of Zionist Elders. “During the 1970s, while distracting the international community with our ‘will they, won’t they’ nuclear program – kind of like Ross and Rachel but with added mushroom clouds – the Zionists were creating a weather machine to use meteorological warfare against our enemies. We knew that the ability to affect the weather...

House Launches Impeachment After Trump Seen Putting Ketchup on Falafel

House Launches Impeachment After Trump Seen Putting Ketchup on Falafel

Stating that the president has “basically impeached himself,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has opened an impeachment inquiry after President Donald Trump was seen eating falafel with ketchup. The controversy erupted when video was leaked by a whistleblower showing Trump unwrapping a falafel pita, tossing a side of tahini into the trash can and retrieving several ketchup packets from his desk drawer. As aides and cabinet members looked on in horror, Trump squeezed packet after packet of Heinz onto the sandwich,...

Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor

Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor

Acknowledging that his cabinet has lacked an element of righteous fury since John Bolton’s departure, US President Donald Trump has appointed 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg to serve as National Security Advisor. “I heard her give a speech at the UN, and God was she angry,” Trump explained as he announced the appointment. “I’m not sure what she was saying – something about a ‘climbing range’ or ‘pilot mange,’ I wasn’t really listening – but I wouldn’t want to...

Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu

Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu

Allies and friends of Prime Minister Netanyahu have expressed shock and surprise that Arab political parties, united under the Joint List party, have decided not to back their man in his attempt to continue his premiership and/or delay his visit to a local jail. A spokesman commented, “This really came out of the blue. I mean what have we ever done to upset those guys? We’re all scratching our heads around here. Do you think maybe they got the wrong...

Strange Glowing Light Proves Aliens Really Hidden in Iran, Not Area 51

Strange Glowing Light Proves Aliens Really Hidden in Iran, Not Area 51

Following what was supposed to be the biggest revelation of the century, millions of people following a Facebook event that pledged to raid Area 51 this weekend were disappointed to find out that the military base indeed held no extraterrestrial life. The United States Military released a statement following this weekend’s events to restate a claim they have repeatedly made clear: “There are no aliens at our base, stop messaging us on Facebook with your dumbass questions.” While many were...

Tiffany Trump Claims Responsibility for Saudi Bombings

Tiffany Trump Claims Responsibility for Saudi Bombings

After a week of Donald Trump focusing all of his attention on the oil bombings in Saudi Arabia, Tiffany Trump has claimed responsibility for the attacks in the fleeting hope that her dad might finally notice her. Tiffany, known by her close friends as “Not the Worst Trump” and by her father as “Who?”, confessed on Instagram Live to using a sophisticated combination of drone and cruise missiles to target the Saudi Arabian oil facilities. According to sources close to...

Zionist Overlords Proud of Investment in Saudi Oil Attack

Zionist Overlords Proud of Investment in Saudi Oil Attack

Following the alleged claims that Iran was behind last week’s attack on the oil production facilities in Saudi Arabia, the world’s Zionist Overlords admit that they, in fact, were the ones behind it all. “So we made a couple extra bucks on oil price increases, big whoop,” an Elderly spokesperson wrote in a tweet Monday night. “We never expected it to lead to Trump threatening war with Iran. That was just an added bonus.” In a tweet posted over the...