The Islamic State today condemned the new nation’s porn sector after one leading production studio released a 30-minute length adult movie entitled “Giving Head to an Infidel.” The film was already expected to be controversial after leaked news it would star an Arab Christian. Yet, this paled in comparison to the outrage expressed by citizens in the caliphate today. The...
President Obama is throwing in the towel and going on the Hajj. The visibly emotional Commander in Chief made the announcement at a White House press briefing earlier today. “I thought the last straw was watching Sarah Palin give an incoherent speech that made her look like the messy MILF you avoid at your cousins wedding, and realizing millions of you think she would...
It seems that the concentration camps aren’t as comfortable as Holocaust deniers have been saying for years. The Dachau Concentration Camp opened in 1933, and 41,500 people were killed there between then and its liberation by American forces in 1945. Since that time, the camp has become a memorial to how much of a fucktard it’s possible for people to...
In a dramatic turnaround, former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum has abandoned his staunchly pro-Israel stance after a visit to the city of Tel Aviv. “I can’t believe all those years in the Senate I was sending billions of U.S. tax dollars to a country of fornicators and homosexuals,” said a repulsed Santorum minutes after leaving Evita Bar in Tel Aviv....
Already under fire for publishing an atlas with Israel not included, publisher HarperCollins is now facing legal action as the Iranian government has filed a lawsuit accusing the publisher of intellectual property theft. “As everyone knows, Iran’s leadership has been speaking about wiping Israel off the map for decades,” an attorney for Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei told The Mideast...
The CIA has published an intercepted communication amongst top-ranking ISIS officers hinting at a possible plan by the group to invade Jordan. The invasion plan was outlined in an email to ISIS leadership by colonels Al-Mansouri and Al-Shatnawi. The colonels cited Jordan’s Sunni majority, it’s strategic location and weak military force as reasons supporting an invasion. However, the plan was...
While offensive on a number of levels, Germany is housing refugees at the former notorious Nazi death camps Dachau and Buchenwald. “We’re putting these dreary old empty barracks to better use,” former concentration camp ‘caretaker’ Fritz Höheischweiler told The Mideast Beast. “We are Germans. Good Germans with efficient solutions.” Dieter Ulrich, groundskeeper, added, “We welcome refugees with open arms. Most...
Calling the stampede that killed nearly 800 people (and rising) in Mecca during the annual Hajj “a miracle in modern warfare tactics,” members of the Israel Defense Force’s top brass have lauded the revolutionary approach to killing large numbers of “certain people we deem to be problematic.” IDF Lt Col Yosef Bidon told The Mideast Beast that a stampede would...
In the wake of his arrest, Ahmed Mohamed, a Texas teen taken into custody for bringing a homemade clock to school, has received an abundance of public support. The support ranged from donations of various computers and gadgets, as well as more prestigious invitations. Google co-Founder Sergey Brin has already met the lad and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg offered to...
In what many see as a last-ditch effort to salvage the peace process between Israel and the Palestinians, Prime Minister Netanyahu announced new goodwill measures to be implemented soon. Israel currently provides Hamas-controlled Gaza with electricity, water, food and medications. Israel’s government will now also provide them with a weekly supply of ten thousand beer kegs, two tons of Jewish...
An unconfirmed White House source reports seeing President Barack Obama smoking in the Rose Garden while walking Bo the family’s Portuguese Water Dog. The informant who wished to remain anonymous said, “I saw the President ‘light up’ sometime after he was informed of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s trip to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin.” NSA confirmed the Moscow...
Senior Amnesty International analysts will be travelling later this week to Vatican City to begin a study into the Pope’s religious inclinations. Fresh from their ground-breaking report that Islamic State militants in Iraq were probably ‘a bit naughty’, the international human rights group will be eager to build further on their reputation on telling anyone with a shred of common...
The United Nations has found Israel guilty of war crimes due to its relentless use of Iron Dome during the last war between Israel and Gaza in 2014. From the time hostilities broke out at the beginning of July of 2014, the Israeli government has since been criticized for its unapologetic use of force in destroying projectiles sent from Gaza. Many have protested that...
In the latest success for President Obama’s policy towards Syria, the five moderate Syrian rebels trained by the U.S. military – at a cost of $100 million per soldier – have taken over the Syrian capital and are on their way to uniting the country under their rule. “While we have invested more than $500 million in taxpayer money in...
Taking note of the enthusiastic welcome Pope Francis received Thursday from Congressional Democrats, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu began reframing his opposition to the Iranian nuclear deal as stemming from the impact the agreement would have on the environment. “With the release of $150 billion in frozen funds, Iran will be able to increase its funding to groups like Hamas...
In a sign of growing tension between himself and Pope Francis, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu recently announced that he will address the College of Cardinals regarding the Vatican’s recognition of the State of Palestine last May. “While I have great respect for the office of the papacy, it’s my duty as the leader of the Jewish nation to prevent the Holy...
An IDF official admitted Wednesday that “Frankly, we’re kind of psyched just by the prospect we might one day fight ISIS.” Calling groups like Hamas and Hezbollah “so 2012,” the official stated that a fight with ISIS is just what Israel was looking for as a way to boost Israel’s image at home and abroad. “Look, everybody hates them. No...
“This business was my life, but now, it is nothing.” These are the words of Iranian businessman Ali Asadi. The forty-nine year old business owner hailing from Tehran is one of the biggest opponents of the Iranian nuclear treaty recently signed by U.S. President Barack Obama, as well as leaders from China, Russia, France, the UK, Germany, and the European...
Sources in Iran’s opposition movement report the Supreme Leader was ‘giddy as hell’ when he heard Conservative pundit Ann Coulter was tweeting about Jews and Israel during Wednesday night’s GOP debate. “How many f—ing Jews do these people think there are in the United States?” read her post accusing presidential hopefuls of pandering to Jewish voters. The source revealed Ayatollah...
When two parties have been warring for decades in a seemingly endless conflict, death becomes a mundane occurrence. Rampant hatred results in a brutal cycle of violence which ebbs and flows almost like clockwork. Within this context, it’s not unsurprising that many deaths go unreported. Many consider the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to be the most intractable in the world, and still...
