In Last-Ditch Effort for Peace, Israel Set to Present Gaza With More Goodwill

In what many see as a last-ditch effort to salvage the peace process between Israel and the Palestinians, Prime Minister Netanyahu announced new goodwill measures to be implemented soon.

Israel currently provides Hamas-controlled Gaza with electricity, water, food and medications. Israel’s government will now also provide them with a weekly supply of ten thousand beer kegs, two tons of Jewish pastries (chocolate and cinnamon), imported Starbucks coffee (low fat milk of course) and 500,000 bags of party favors. In addition, and as long as Hamas keeps its rocket fire to under five launchings per month, Israel will consider supplying Gaza with two squadrons of F-16 fighter jets and five hundred Merkava Mark IV tanks.

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“We will do whatever it takes to convince the Palestinians to talk peace with us, even if it kills every last one of us” said Israeli government spokesman Ari Ben Canaan.

Hamas Chief Operations Officer Aziz Al-Najaf commented to The Mideast Beast: “Israel owes us big time. We give your soldiers something to do year round; we provide your citizens with an opportunity to go running a few times a year; we allow you knock on our roofs, and all you give us is electricity, water and food for a million and a half people. What are we asking for? A few planes? A couple of tanks?”

When asked about Hamas’ long-term intentions, Al-Najaf said “we are not looking for a long-term commitment. Believe me, it’s not you, it’s me”.