Buck Drizzler

Buck Drizzler grew up on small cow farm outside of Zurich. He is the bastard love child of a traveling Jewish carpenter and a Swiss cheese model. As a teen, he worked as both a cheese maker and a clerk at a bank. Unfortunately, his severe lactose intolerance, and inability to conduct basic arithmetic forced him to seek his fortunes elsewhere. After a failed stint as a witch doctor in West Africa, he made his way to Holy Land to search for the Ark of the Covenant.

Buck Drizzler quickly discovered the Land of Milk and Honey. Due to his weak stomach, he could only stay for the honey. He now works as a reporter for the The Mideast Beast, who vehemently deny any association with him. In his free time, Buck enjoys camel graffiti and Egyptian snake charming.

 

Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another
,

Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has escalated to new heights with each side accusing the other of misgendering. In a statement released by the Office of the Prime Minister, at least for a few more days, Netanyahu explained, “We used to be called Palestine, but on the inside, we’ve always been Israel. And so, in 1948 we transitioned. Israel is our gender, which...

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls
,

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Following its crippling defeat with the loss of its capital Raqqa, most of its men, and their ‘Chubby Caliph’, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. One of the last remaining ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody...

Mike Pence Reconsiders Position on Palestine after Gay-Ban
,

Mike Pence Reconsiders Position on Palestine after Gay-Ban

In the wake the Palestinian Authority’s (PA) decision to ban LGBTQ activities in the West Bank, Vice President Mike Pence has announced the Trump administration is rethinking its pro-Israel position. “For the longest time, I thought the Palestinians were just some god-forsaken, backwater savages! But after this, I think we’ve got to reconsider. I’ve been to Tel Aviv and let...

God ‘Totally Kidding About the Foreskin Thing’

God ‘Totally Kidding About the Foreskin Thing’

In a stunning revelation, God has descended down to Jerusalem to explain that he was, “totally kidding about the foreskin thing,” and is asking everybody to “hold up with the slice and dice.” “Gabriel and I got really drunk, remembering the time we convinced Abraham to sacrifice his son. Then I bet him I could talk Moses into cutting off...

Trump Shows ‘America First’ Leadership at UN by Cutting Lunch Line
,

Trump Shows ‘America First’ Leadership at UN by Cutting Lunch Line

In a remarkable display of diplomatic maneuvering, US President Donald Trump put his ‘America First’ agenda to the test by cutting to the front of the UN cafeteria line. Speaking to reporters afterwards he commented, “You know when I saw the lunch line, it was really long. I mean really long, believe me. Obama once stood here behind Angela Merkel,...

Saudis Forced to Decide Between Hating Jews or Shiites

Saudis Forced to Decide Between Hating Jews or Shiites

In light of Mohammad bin Salman’s decision to recognize Israel’s right to exist, the rest of Saudi Arabia has announced its extreme displeasure at being forced to compromise their hatred of Jews for their hatred of Shiites. Abdul Rahman Al-Sudais, the Imam of the Saudi Grand Mosque railed, “We have arrived at an extremely unfortunate position where we are being forced...

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

AFGHANISTAN – Terrorist leaders are reportedly disheartened after learning that ‘SJW’ doesn’t stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior. “On the news, we heard how these students were harassing Jews on U.S. campuses, and how much they love Islamists like Linda Sarsour. They refer to these students as ‘SJWs’ and we just sort of assumed SJW meant Salafi-Jihadi Warrior.” Another leader explained, “But...

President Obama Voted Best Neocon President
,

President Obama Voted Best Neocon President

Former U.S. President Obama has been bestowed the prestigious “Iron Fist of Unconditionally Delivered Freedom” award by Bill Kristol who tearfully acknowledged the President’s commitment to the neoconservative philosophy. Wiping tears from his eyes, Kristol explained, “Everybody knows I first opposed President Obama, but over time, I saw his dedication to the neoconservative philosophy. His push for global free-market trade was...

ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ALABAMA – Sharia Twain, the rapidly emerging Salafi-Jihadi country music queen, has launched her US tour in Birmingham, Alabama. The music star is expected to unveil her new single, “Mammas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Shiites.” Originally from Raqqa, Sharia Twain grew up listening to Tim McGraw and the Dixie Chicks in the days before the establishment...

Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison
,

Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison

Hell, Near Tampa Florida – From the fiery depths of the underworld, the worst person in history sits steaming in his less-than-kampfy chair. But Adolf isn’t boiling as a result of his eternal punishment; rather he’s furious at being compared with the mango-Mussolini, the Cheeto-in-Chief, the President of the United States of America. “NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! How dare they compare me...

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East
,

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Washington D.C. — New leaks from the White House have revealed that the Trump Administration is fed up with generals who have strong understandings of the cultural, political, and historical nuances of the Middle East. One staffer (who wished to remain anonymous) told reporters, “President Trump is furious because Secretary of Defense Mattis told him that ‘Operation Turn Baghdad into...

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags
,

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Not to be outdone by their North African counterparts, Hamas has declared a ban on plastic bags in the Gaza Strip. “We believe that this activism in the Gaza strip will help to alleviate the environmental impact of 70 years of burning tires and corn fields in occupied Palestine. We follow in the footsteps of the world leaders who made...

Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza
,

Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza

Officials from Hamas are meeting later this week to discuss the finer points of slaughtering Jews. Representatives from the political and military branches, as well as religious authorities, are debating the possibility of implementing Halal butchering methods when stabbing Jews, whether male or female. In a speech, Mahmoud al-Bashiri, a Hamas leader explained, “We must consider adopting Halal methods when...

Netanyahu Criticizes Hamas for Harming Israeli Bullets
,

Netanyahu Criticizes Hamas for Harming Israeli Bullets

Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has publicly condemned the 62 Palestinians killed during the rioting on the Gazan border. Speaking to the press, Netanyahu said “These Arab rioters should feel ashamed for disrupting the travels of these brave, innocent Jewish bullets on their way through Gaza. Those bullets were simply minding their own business when they were ruthlessly assaulted by...

Al-Qaeda “Definitely Not Doing Anything These Days”
,

Al-Qaeda “Definitely Not Doing Anything These Days”

Speaking to The Mideast Beast, al-Qaeda has confirmed that they are absolutely, positively not doing anything these days. Muhammad Babaganoush al-Sadiki, an al-Qaeda commander in Syria, commented, “Nope, not really up to anything these days. Just farming, and chilling, and not raising money or making chemical weapons. Expand into India? That’s crazy. What would we be doing in Yemen? We’ve never...

The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War
,

The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War

The American Left has admitted that it misses the days when it didn’t have to be mad about bombing foreign countries. Dick Meskil, a liberal from Berkeley, California, explained his frustration, “Remember when President Obama ordered a drone strike killing a  16-year-old American kid? Now if it had been Bush or Trump, I would have been really mad, but deep...

Netanyahu Really Counting on Iran
,

Netanyahu Really Counting on Iran

According to sources, Netanyahu is counting on the Iranians to pull through for him right now. An anonymous aide told The Mideast Beast, “You know with the cigar thing, the submarine thing, the news thing, the telecom thing all starting to heat up, he was really hoping a new war with Iran could shift the tide. There’s nothing like a good...

Natalie Portman Just Really Creeped Out by Netanyahu

Natalie Portman Just Really Creeped Out by Netanyahu

After announcing her decision not to accept the prestigious Genesis Prize in Israel, Natalie Portman clarified that she “is just creeped out by Netanyahu.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast, Portman explained, “I was totally down to hit the beaches in Tel Aviv, but then I found out that Netanyahu would be there. Can somebody say creepy? I love Israel and I’m...