Buck Drizzler

Buck Drizzler grew up on small cow farm outside of Zurich. He is the bastard love child of a traveling Jewish carpenter and a Swiss cheese model. As a teen, he worked as both a cheese maker and a clerk at a bank. Unfortunately, his severe lactose intolerance, and inability to conduct basic arithmetic forced him to seek his fortunes elsewhere. After a failed stint as a witch doctor in West Africa, he made his way to Holy Land to search for the Ark of the Covenant.

Buck Drizzler quickly discovered the Land of Milk and Honey. Due to his weak stomach, he could only stay for the honey. He now works as a reporter for the The Mideast Beast, who vehemently deny any association with him. In his free time, Buck enjoys camel graffiti and Egyptian snake charming.

 

The Mideast Beast Presents the Fill-in-the-Blank Israeli-Palestinian Conflict News Template

The Mideast Beast Presents the Fill-in-the-Blank Israeli-Palestinian Conflict News Template

Are you a reporter who finds reporting the news on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict incredibly tedious and unvaried? Does it seem like every news story you write sounds the same, offering little-to-no varied perspective or alternative context? Fortunately for you, our idiot brilliant writers at The Mideast Beast have created a template so you can take your reporting to even lazier and shallower levels! Just fill in the blanks and you can report on anything! Date Line: Jerusalem, Israel or Al-Quds,...

Trump Shows ‘America First’ Leadership at UN by Cutting Lunch Line

Trump Shows ‘America First’ Leadership at UN by Cutting Lunch Line

In a remarkable display of diplomatic maneuvering, US President Donald Trump put his ‘America First’ agenda to the test by cutting to the front of the UN cafeteria line. Speaking to reporters afterwards he commented, “You know when I saw the lunch line, it was really long. I mean really long, believe me. Obama once stood here behind Angela Merkel, showing how weak and powerless he was. And people tell me he just ordered a salad. But I’m the leader...

Saudis Forced to Decide Between Hating Jews or Shiites

Saudis Forced to Decide Between Hating Jews or Shiites

In light of Mohammad bin Salman’s decision to recognize Israel’s right to exist, the rest of Saudi Arabia has announced its extreme displeasure at being forced to compromise their hatred of Jews for their hatred of Shiites. Abdul Rahman Al-Sudais, the Imam of the Saudi Grand Mosque railed, “We have arrived at an extremely unfortunate position where we are being forced to ally with Zionist pig-monkeys in order to repel the infidel Shiite dogs. We resent the fact that we must set...

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

AFGHANISTAN – Terrorist leaders are reportedly disheartened after learning that ‘SJW’ doesn’t stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior. “On the news, we heard how these students were harassing Jews on U.S. campuses, and how much they love Islamists like Linda Sarsour. They refer to these students as ‘SJWs’ and we just sort of assumed SJW meant Salafi-Jihadi Warrior.” Another leader explained, “But then we got confused because then they started saying how the hijab is a symbol of women’s liberation or how...

President Obama Voted Best Neocon President

President Obama Voted Best Neocon President

Former U.S. President Obama has been bestowed the prestigious “Iron Fist of Unconditionally Delivered Freedom” award by Bill Kristol who tearfully acknowledged the President’s commitment to the neoconservative philosophy. Wiping tears from his eyes, Kristol explained, “Everybody knows I first opposed President Obama, but over time, I saw his dedication to the neoconservative philosophy. His push for global free-market trade was inspiring, as was his devotion to toppling the recalcitrant Gaddafi in Libya, another, great Iraq-like success. And let’s not forget...

Trump Apologizes to Animals for Omarosa Comparison

Trump Apologizes to Animals for Omarosa Comparison

Speaking to the press, President Donald Trump, who is not known for apologizing, apologized. “Last week I compared Omarosa to an animal. That was harsh, and I should not have done that.” “There are a great many animals to which I could’ve compared her to, like the chimpanzee, but that would have been very harsh. That would’ve been very unfair to the chimpanzee.” “And let me just say, nobody knows animals like Donald Trump. Animals love Donald Trump. I have...

Alex Jones Delivers Rational and Thoughtful Response to Internet Ban

Alex Jones Delivers Rational and Thoughtful Response to Internet Ban

In a surprising turn of events, internet talk show host Alex Jones has released a thoughtful and eloquent response to the broad social media Info Wars ban. In a video posted to his website early this morning, Mr. Jones calmly and clearly explained his thoughts on being banned from Apple, YouTube, and Facebook. “In hindsight, I realize that claiming that the US Government’s secret ‘gay bomb’ was leaking and turning the fish gay, without providing real concrete evidence may have undermined...

ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ALABAMA – Sharia Twain, the rapidly emerging Salafi-Jihadi country music queen, has launched her US tour in Birmingham, Alabama. The music star is expected to unveil her new single, “Mammas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Shiites.” Originally from Raqqa, Sharia Twain grew up listening to Tim McGraw and the Dixie Chicks in the days before the establishment of the Islamic State. In an interview, the country music star remarked, “I’ve loved country music but I always knew...

Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison

Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison

Hell, Near Tampa Florida – From the fiery depths of the underworld, the worst person in history sits steaming in his less-than-kampfy chair. But Adolf isn’t boiling as a result of his eternal punishment; rather he’s furious at being compared with the mango-Mussolini, the Cheeto-in-Chief, the President of the United States of America. “NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! How dare they compare me to zis nincompoop! Das Donald is an amateur compared to me! He can’t even properly deport illegals like I could. He’s...

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and Trump, and they...

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Washington D.C. — New leaks from the White House have revealed that the Trump Administration is fed up with generals who have strong understandings of the cultural, political, and historical nuances of the Middle East. One staffer (who wished to remain anonymous) told reporters, “President Trump is furious because Secretary of Defense Mattis told him that ‘Operation Turn Baghdad into a Parking Lot’ was not a viable strategy. I think it was actually Bannon’s idea, but Trump really had his...

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Not to be outdone by their North African counterparts, Hamas has declared a ban on plastic bags in the Gaza Strip. “We believe that this activism in the Gaza strip will help to alleviate the environmental impact of 70 years of burning tires and corn fields in occupied Palestine. We follow in the footsteps of the world leaders who made environmental protection a priority; Mahatma Gandhi, Theodore Roosevelt, Hermann Göring. You know all the greats.” A representative from the United...

God Announces “Israel-Palestine 2”

God Announces “Israel-Palestine 2”

Descending from the heavens, God has touched down on Earth to announce a new, massive-real-life-multiplayer gaming experience known as Israel-Palestine 2. Flanked by lead developers and producers, Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad, God explained, “We feel that it’s time for a reboot. Things in Israel-Palestine 1 have started getting a little stale. Don’t get us wrong, everybody still loves the ’48 war, the Suez multiplayer map, and the Yom Kippur ‘hardcore’ levels. We did feel like the Lebanon levels were a...

Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza

Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza

Officials from Hamas are meeting later this week to discuss the finer points of slaughtering Jews. Representatives from the political and military branches, as well as religious authorities, are debating the possibility of implementing Halal butchering methods when stabbing Jews, whether male or female. In a speech, Mahmoud al-Bashiri, a Hamas leader explained, “We must consider adopting Halal methods when we finally slaughter all the Jews. It is widely accepted that the Jews are animals and thus we must take...

Netanyahu Criticizes Hamas for Harming Israeli Bullets

Netanyahu Criticizes Hamas for Harming Israeli Bullets

Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has publicly condemned the 62 Palestinians killed during the rioting on the Gazan border. Speaking to the press, Netanyahu said “These Arab rioters should feel ashamed for disrupting the travels of these brave, innocent Jewish bullets on their way through Gaza. Those bullets were simply minding their own business when they were ruthlessly assaulted by Hamas operatives trying to destroy Israel with rocks and kites.” Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri shot back at Netanyahu, commenting, “Those...

Al-Qaeda “Definitely Not Doing Anything These Days”

Al-Qaeda “Definitely Not Doing Anything These Days”

Speaking to The Mideast Beast, al-Qaeda has confirmed that they are absolutely, positively not doing anything these days. Muhammad Babaganoush al-Sadiki, an al-Qaeda commander in Syria, commented, “Nope, not really up to anything these days. Just farming, and chilling, and not raising money or making chemical weapons. Expand into India? That’s crazy. What would we be doing in Yemen? We’ve never even been to North Africa! And don’t worry, we’re also definitely not putting aside our religious beliefs to work with...

The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War

The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War

The American Left has admitted that it misses the days when it didn’t have to be mad about bombing foreign countries. Dick Meskil, a liberal from Berkeley, California, explained his frustration, “Remember when President Obama ordered a drone strike killing a  16-year-old American kid? Now if it had been Bush or Trump, I would have been really mad, but deep in my heart, I knew Obama could be trusted. That teenager was definitely a threat to American security!” “Now I’ll...

Netanyahu Really Counting on Iran

Netanyahu Really Counting on Iran

According to sources, Netanyahu is counting on the Iranians to pull through for him right now. An anonymous aide told The Mideast Beast, “You know with the cigar thing, the submarine thing, the news thing, the telecom thing all starting to heat up, he was really hoping a new war with Iran could shift the tide. There’s nothing like a good war to distract from a totally fake corruption scandal!” Another aide explained, “After the Syrians shot down that jet, we...

Natalie Portman Just Really Creeped Out by Netanyahu

Natalie Portman Just Really Creeped Out by Netanyahu

After announcing her decision not to accept the prestigious Genesis Prize in Israel, Natalie Portman clarified that she “is just creeped out by Netanyahu.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast, Portman explained, “I was totally down to hit the beaches in Tel Aviv, but then I found out that Netanyahu would be there. Can somebody say creepy? I love Israel and I’m certainly not in favor of BDS, but I do have standards. Portman has received a great deal of support for...

Trump Orders a Mohammad Bin Salman Burger with Extra Tartar Sauce

Trump Orders a Mohammad Bin Salman Burger with Extra Tartar Sauce

At a lunch meeting to discuss the developing Israeli-Saudi relationship, President Trump ordered a ‘Mohammad Bin Salman burger’ with extra tartar sauce on the side. A staffer present at the meeting (who wished to remain anonymous) explained, “We were trying to explain the broader implications of the Saudis officially recognizing Israel. I guess he saw the Mohammad Bin Salman intelligence report and thought it was the lunch menu.” Another aide explained, “At first we thought he was asking about Saudi...