Buck Drizzler

Buck Drizzler grew up on small cow farm outside of Zurich. He is the bastard love child of a traveling Jewish carpenter and a Swiss cheese model. As a teen, he worked as both a cheese maker and a clerk at a bank. Unfortunately, his severe lactose intolerance, and inability to conduct basic arithmetic forced him to seek his fortunes elsewhere. After a failed stint as a witch doctor in West Africa, he made his way to Holy Land to search for the Ark of the Covenant.

Buck Drizzler quickly discovered the Land of Milk and Honey. Due to his weak stomach, he could only stay for the honey. He now works as a reporter for the The Mideast Beast, who vehemently deny any association with him. In his free time, Buck enjoys camel graffiti and Egyptian snake charming.

 

Trump Orders a Mohammad Bin Salman Burger with Extra Tartar Sauce

Trump Orders a Mohammad Bin Salman Burger with Extra Tartar Sauce

At a lunch meeting to discuss the developing Israeli-Saudi relationship, President Trump ordered a ‘Mohammad Bin Salman burger’ with extra tartar sauce on the side. A staffer present at the meeting (who wished to remain anonymous) explained, “We were trying to explain the broader implications of the Saudis officially recognizing Israel. I guess he saw the Mohammad Bin Salman intelligence report and thought it was the lunch menu.” Another aide explained, “At first we thought he was asking about Saudi...

Saudis Forced to Decide Between Hating Jews or Shiites

Saudis Forced to Decide Between Hating Jews or Shiites

In light of Mohammad bin Salman’s decision to recognize Israel’s right to exist, the rest of Saudi Arabia has announced its extreme displeasure at being forced to compromise their hatred of Jews for their hatred of Shiites. Abdul Rahman Al-Sudais, the Imam of the Saudi Grand Mosque railed, “We have arrived at an extremely unfortunate position where we are being forced to ally with Zionist pig-monkeys in order to repel the infidel Shiite dogs. We resent the fact that we must set...

Israelis Ask if They Can Leave with the Asylum Seekers

Israelis Ask if They Can Leave with the Asylum Seekers

The recent canceled deal between Israel and the U.N. to send African asylum seekers to Canada and Germany has had many Israelis asking, “Can I leave too?” Tel Aviv resident Moshe Goldenbergensteiner told the Mideast Beast, “I attended all the protests to make sure they wouldn’t get deported and then murdered or tortured, and now all of sudden I hear they may be going to Canada? What the shit, man! I pay 4,000 shekels for a broom closet in Tel...

Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time

Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time

Following last week’s “March of Return” in Gaza, Palestinians say they are almost positive that this time marching, burning tires, and throwing rocks will pressure Israel to concede to their demands. One protester explained, “Both my father and grandfather marched and threw rocks before me, and I proudly carry on this 70-year tradition. But, I am happy to say that I truly believe that this is the last year. Inshallah, 2018 will be the year that throwing rocks over the...

Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect

Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect

The Drone Pilot Lobby has announced that it is initiating a $20 million-dollar lawsuit against the U.S. Department of Defense. The plaintiffs claim that the DoD “failed to adequately address pilots’ suffering arising from carpal tunnel syndrome and hostile environments.” One drone pilot explained, “We’re America’s front-line defense against militant groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS, and suspicious looking weddings. People make fun of us and say we’re not real pilots, but we really do suffer. Our chairs don’t come with cup holders,...

Jesus Still a Little Cross with Dad

Jesus Still a Little Cross with Dad

During a recent interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus opened up about his tumultuous relationship with his temperamental father. “Dad? We’ve had our ups and downs. I mean, before he brutally sacrificed me to save all humanity, he used to be a huge dick. Remember the flood? Or when he got hammered and convinced Abraham to sacrifice his own son? Or when he ‘a-salted’ – sorry, couldn’t resist – Lot’s wife? Seriously who wouldn’t want to watch a city get...

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling

North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and United States President Donald Trump are reportedly to begin Non-Violent Communication Therapy. Donald Trump has tweeted, “Nobody does non-violent communication better than me. We are going to break down the biggest walls!! #MAGA” A spokesperson for the North Korean regime corroborated the story, stating that “Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will engage imperialist leader ‘little-hands Trump’ with Non-Violent Communication. The Supreme Leader invented Non-Violent Communication Therapy for those times when tying someone to a...

UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”

UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, announced that the United Nations will assert its authority over the Middle East by declaring the region a “gun-free zone.” The announcement, effective immediately, intends to address the threat posed by armed groups, militias, rogue governments, terror cells, criminal networks, Israeli settlers, Israeli Merkava 3’s, Israeli Merkava 4’s, Israeli F-15’s, Israeli F-16’s, Mossad hybrid attack dolphins, Nerve Gas in Syria, Russian Mercenaries, the ‘totally in control’ Iranian Nuclear program, Premature Suicide detonations, Sinai Camel Pirates, Sunni...

Syrian President Offers to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence

Syrian President Offers to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence

Over the weekend, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reached out to the Trump administration offering to help with the rising gun violence in Chicago. “You know, I have a great deal of experience dealing with armed gangs and civil unrest,” President Assad said to reporters. “Our so-called ‘Free Syrian Army’ isn’t so different from your Almighty Gaylords.” The White House Press Office has announced that a comprehensive anti-crime joint taskforce is being developed with the Syrian Government to quell the gang-related...

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

AFGHANISTAN – Terrorist leaders are reportedly disheartened after learning that ‘SJW’ doesn’t stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior. “On the news, we heard how these students were harassing Jews on U.S. campuses, and how much they love Islamists like Linda Sarsour. They refer to these students as ‘SJWs’ and we just sort of assumed SJW meant Salafi-Jihadi Warrior.” Another leader explained, “But then we got confused because then they started saying how the hijab is a symbol of women’s liberation or how...

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and Trump, and they...

Trump Declares War on Wakanda

Trump Declares War on Wakanda

President Donald Trump has announced that he plans on “invading and securing Wakanda” in the coming weeks. In a speech, President Trump declared, “Wakanda is part of the global Axis of Evil that includes Iran, North Korea, and people who don’t stand for the national anthem. Unless they surrender, they will be met with fire and fury the likes of which have never been seen before. Then we’ll bring them the best democracy. Believe me.” “I am sending our best...

God ‘Totally Kidding About the Foreskin Thing’

God ‘Totally Kidding About the Foreskin Thing’

In a stunning revelation, God has descended down to Jerusalem to explain that he was, “totally kidding about the foreskin thing,” and is asking everybody to “hold the fuck up with the slice and dice.” “Gabriel and I got really drunk, remembering the time we convinced Abraham to sacrifice his son. Then I bet him I could talk Moses into cutting off the tip of his dick, and I sort of blacked out. Weird night. Anyways, 4,000 years later I...

World Ready to Pretend to Care About Syria Again

World Ready to Pretend to Care About Syria Again

The world has collectively decided it is once again ready to pretend to care about the abysmal situation faced by the Syrian people. A reporter from CNN explained, “We actually used to do a really good job of pretending to care about Syrian refugees and dead children, but recently we’ve been slacking. It’s tough, you know? Remember the 90’s? Those kids in Rwanda were so cute, it made it really easy.” One U.S. State Department official concurred, “Actually, 2012 was...

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name it! And everything we were doing was for the glory of God so I just assumed we were the good...

ISIS Loses Everything in Bitcoin Crash

ISIS Loses Everything in Bitcoin Crash

ISIS has reportedly been devastated by the recent Bitcoin crash. The Mideast Beast was able to speak with members of ISIS’ investment branch, Jihad Investments and Security Matters or “JISM,” to detail the devastation wrought by the declining prices. “We bought at around $19,000 and now its back down around $7,500. We poured 80% of our budget into this crap thinking we could make a JISM value explosion and save ISIS. We couldn’t have gotten fucked harder if Trump had...

Middle Eastern Leaders Ready to Destroy Only Middle Eastern Democracy

Middle Eastern Leaders Ready to Destroy Only Middle Eastern Democracy

Middle Eastern leaders have gathered in anticipation for the destruction of the region’s last true democracy. In a speech, Turkish President Recep Erdogan announced, “They’ve been a thorn in our collective Middle Eastern ass for long enough! Turkey, Iran, Iraq, and the Syrians have all suffered long enough from this petulant little ‘state!’ None of us agree to their right to exist!” Iran’s Rouhani explained, “We cannot tolerate their terroristic actions against us. Nor can we stand their fair and...

Trump Requests Middle East Intel Briefings as Tweets

Trump Requests Middle East Intel Briefings as Tweets

The Mideast Beast has learned from White House sources that President Trump has requested all Middle East briefings be delivered in Tweet form. One aide told us, “He wouldn’t read any of the traditional briefings, so then we tried shortening and adding way more pictures but really nothing worked. But then we got the bright idea to just start tweeting them to him. We call them ‘Intelli-tweets.’” The Mideast Beast was able to get a hold of some of Trump’s “Intelli-tweets” “@RT_Erdogan👨🏾‍✈️...

World’s Extremists Worried World Won’t End with a Bang

World’s Extremists Worried World Won’t End with a Bang

Extremists from around the world have convened to discuss the increasingly likely scenario that the world won’t end with a bang. Representatives from the Islamic State, Kahane Chai, Aum Shinrikyo, and U.S. Vice President Pence’s staff met yesterday at an undisclosed location. ISIS spokesperson Mohammed al-Amriki explained the impetus for the meeting, “Despite our differing ideological backgrounds, we’re all in agreement that the world needs to end in an apocalyptic firestorm. Unfortunately, it’s starting to look like the world is...

Mideast Beast Writers Quit Over Lack of Death Threats

Mideast Beast Writers Quit Over Lack of Death Threats

The Mideast Beast is reportedly losing writers over the lack of hate mail and death threats. One writer, William Balzac explains, “I didn’t graduate with a Masters in Fine Arts from Yale to write scathing satire of corrupt Middle Eastern dictators, crazy Zionist settlers, and camel related sexual escapades and NOT receive death threats. I expected to receive at least a couple of death-threats a week from the jihad crowd, but I guess they’re too busy being pussies. Another writer,...