Buck Drizzler grew up on small cow farm outside of Zurich. He is the bastard love child of a traveling Jewish carpenter and a Swiss cheese model. As a teen, he worked as both a cheese maker and a clerk at a bank. Unfortunately, his severe lactose intolerance, and inability to conduct basic arithmetic forced him to seek his fortunes elsewhere. After a failed stint as a witch doctor in West Africa, he made his way to Holy Land to search for the Ark of the Covenant.
Buck Drizzler quickly discovered the Land of Milk and Honey. Due to his weak stomach, he could only stay for the honey. He now works as a reporter for the The Mideast Beast, who vehemently deny any association with him. In his free time, Buck enjoys camel graffiti and Egyptian snake charming.
At a lunch meeting to discuss the developing Israeli-Saudi relationship, President Trump ordered a ‘Mohammad Bin Salman burger’ with extra tartar sauce on the side. A staffer present at the meeting (who wished to remain anonymous) explained, “We were trying to explain the broader implications of the Saudis officially recognizing Israel. I guess he saw the Mohammad Bin Salman intelligence...
The recent canceled deal between Israel and the U.N. to send African asylum seekers to Canada and Germany has had many Israelis asking, “Can I leave too?” Tel Aviv resident Moshe Goldenbergensteiner told the Mideast Beast, “I attended all the protests to make sure they wouldn’t get deported and then murdered or tortured, and now all of sudden I hear...
Following last week’s “March of Return” in Gaza, Palestinians say they are almost positive that this time marching, burning tires, and throwing rocks will pressure Israel to concede to their demands. One protester explained, “Both my father and grandfather marched and threw rocks before me, and I proudly carry on this 70-year tradition. But, I am happy to say that...
The Drone Pilot Lobby has announced that it is initiating a $20 million-dollar lawsuit against the U.S. Department of Defense. The plaintiffs claim that the DoD “failed to adequately address pilots’ suffering arising from carpal tunnel syndrome and hostile environments.” One drone pilot explained, “We’re America’s front-line defense against militant groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS, and suspicious looking weddings. People make fun...
During a recent interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus opened up about his tumultuous relationship with his temperamental father. “Dad? We’ve had our ups and downs. I mean, before he brutally sacrificed me to save all humanity, he used to be a huge dick. Remember the flood? Or when he got hammered and convinced Abraham to sacrifice his own son?...
North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and United States President Donald Trump are reportedly to begin Non-Violent Communication Therapy. Donald Trump has tweeted, “Nobody does non-violent communication better than me. We are going to break down the biggest walls!! #MAGA” A spokesperson for the North Korean regime corroborated the story, stating that “Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will engage imperialist leader...
UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, announced that the United Nations will assert its authority over the Middle East by declaring the region a “gun-free zone.” The announcement, effective immediately, intends to address the threat posed by armed groups, militias, rogue governments, terror cells, criminal networks, Israeli settlers, Israeli Merkava 3’s, Israeli Merkava 4’s, Israeli F-15’s, Israeli F-16’s, Mossad hybrid attack dolphins,...
Over the weekend, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reached out to the Trump administration offering to help with the rising gun violence in Chicago. “You know, I have a great deal of experience dealing with armed gangs and civil unrest,” President Assad said to reporters. “Our so-called ‘Free Syrian Army’ isn’t so different from your Almighty Gaylords.” The White House Press...
President Donald Trump has announced that he plans on “invading and securing Wakanda” in the coming weeks. In a speech, President Trump declared, “Wakanda is part of the global Axis of Evil that includes Iran, North Korea, and people who don’t stand for the national anthem. Unless they surrender, they will be met with fire and fury the likes of...
The world has collectively decided it is once again ready to pretend to care about the abysmal situation faced by the Syrian people. A reporter from CNN explained, “We actually used to do a really good job of pretending to care about Syrian refugees and dead children, but recently we’ve been slacking. It’s tough, you know? Remember the 90’s? Those...
RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name...
Middle Eastern leaders have gathered in anticipation for the destruction of the region’s last true democracy. In a speech, Turkish President Recep Erdogan announced, “They’ve been a thorn in our collective Middle Eastern ass for long enough! Turkey, Iran, Iraq, and the Syrians have all suffered long enough from this petulant little ‘state!’ None of us agree to their right...
The Mideast Beast has learned from White House sources that President Trump has requested all Middle East briefings be delivered in Tweet form. One aide told us, “He wouldn’t read any of the traditional briefings, so then we tried shortening and adding way more pictures but really nothing worked. But then we got the bright idea to just start tweeting them to...
Extremists from around the world have convened to discuss the increasingly likely scenario that the world won’t end with a bang. Representatives from the Islamic State, Kahane Chai, Aum Shinrikyo, and U.S. Vice President Pence’s staff met yesterday at an undisclosed location. ISIS spokesperson Mohammed al-Amriki explained the impetus for the meeting, “Despite our differing ideological backgrounds, we’re all in...
The Mideast Beast is reportedly losing writers over the lack of hate mail and death threats. One writer, William Balzac explains, “I didn’t graduate with a Masters in Fine Arts from Yale to write scathing satire of corrupt Middle Eastern dictators, crazy Zionist settlers, and camel related sexual escapades and NOT receive death threats. I expected to receive at least...
The Palestinian Authority has announced it will launch a GoFundMe page, after the U.S. State Department’s $80 million aid reduction and further threats from Donald Trump to cut all aid. PA President Mahmoud Abbas decried the cuts. “After decades of brutal and humiliating occupation, this is a slap in the face of the Palestinian nation and will be devastating to...
Beleaguered by leaks, organizational chaos, infighting, and members jumping ship, the infamous leader struggles to maintain his hold on power. One aid agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity “He’s breaking all the traditions! Didn’t even hold a Ramadan dinner! All the past leaders I can remember have hosted Ramadan dinner.” The “Fire and Fury” leader has...
JERUBBLE TOWN – Journalists have announced that from now on when reporting on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict they will use only made-up words. A CNN journalist explained, “There aren’t any words we can use that won’t offend one side or the other. Call it ‘the security wall’, the BDS-ers whine that we’re undermining the Palestinians. Mention the word ‘occupation’ and the Hasbara...
Reporters from The Mideast Beast have reported that they find it increasingly difficult to satirize current events given how insane everything has become. One writer explained, “How the hell are we supposed to compete with reality? I mean, it’s reaching batshit crazy level. I watch CNN and President Trump is getting into a Twitter war with Kim Jong Un, while...
KYOTO, JAPAN — After asking why Japan, a country of “Samurai warriors,” didn’t shoot down North Korean missiles, U.S. President Donald Trump continued parsing the puzzling issues regarding aerial warfare. “You know every time these Hamas guys shoot missiles at Israel and the Israelis shoot back, I have to wonder why they don’t just use kids with slings and rocks to...
