Buck Drizzler

Buck Drizzler grew up on small cow farm outside of Zurich. He is the bastard love child of a traveling Jewish carpenter and a Swiss cheese model. As a teen, he worked as both a cheese maker and a clerk at a bank. Unfortunately, his severe lactose intolerance, and inability to conduct basic arithmetic forced him to seek his fortunes elsewhere. After a failed stint as a witch doctor in West Africa, he made his way to Holy Land to search for the Ark of the Covenant.

Buck Drizzler quickly discovered the Land of Milk and Honey. Due to his weak stomach, he could only stay for the honey. He now works as a reporter for the The Mideast Beast, who vehemently deny any association with him. In his free time, Buck enjoys camel graffiti and Egyptian snake charming.

 

Netanyahu Really Counting on Iran
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Netanyahu Really Counting on Iran

According to sources, Netanyahu is counting on the Iranians to pull through for him right now. An anonymous aide told The Mideast Beast, “You know with the cigar thing, the submarine thing, the news thing, the telecom thing all starting to heat up, he was really hoping a new war with Iran could shift the tide. There’s nothing like a good...

Natalie Portman Just Really Creeped Out by Netanyahu

Natalie Portman Just Really Creeped Out by Netanyahu

After announcing her decision not to accept the prestigious Genesis Prize in Israel, Natalie Portman clarified that she “is just creeped out by Netanyahu.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast, Portman explained, “I was totally down to hit the beaches in Tel Aviv, but then I found out that Netanyahu would be there. Can somebody say creepy? I love Israel and I’m...

Trump Orders a Mohammad Bin Salman Burger with Extra Tartar Sauce

Trump Orders a Mohammad Bin Salman Burger with Extra Tartar Sauce

At a lunch meeting to discuss the developing Israeli-Saudi relationship, President Trump ordered a ‘Mohammad Bin Salman burger’ with extra tartar sauce on the side. A staffer present at the meeting (who wished to remain anonymous) explained, “We were trying to explain the broader implications of the Saudis officially recognizing Israel. I guess he saw the Mohammad Bin Salman intelligence...

Israelis Ask if They Can Leave with the Asylum Seekers

Israelis Ask if They Can Leave with the Asylum Seekers

The recent canceled deal between Israel and the U.N. to send African asylum seekers to Canada and Germany has had many Israelis asking, “Can I leave too?” Tel Aviv resident Moshe Goldenbergensteiner told the Mideast Beast, “I attended all the protests to make sure they wouldn’t get deported and then murdered or tortured, and now all of sudden I hear...

Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time
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Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time

Following last week’s “March of Return” in Gaza, Palestinians say they are almost positive that this time marching, burning tires, and throwing rocks will pressure Israel to concede to their demands. One protester explained, “Both my father and grandfather marched and threw rocks before me, and I proudly carry on this 70-year tradition. But, I am happy to say that...

Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect
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Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect

The Drone Pilot Lobby has announced that it is initiating a $20 million-dollar lawsuit against the U.S. Department of Defense. The plaintiffs claim that the DoD “failed to adequately address pilots’ suffering arising from carpal tunnel syndrome and hostile environments.” One drone pilot explained, “We’re America’s front-line defense against militant groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS, and suspicious looking weddings. People make fun...

Jesus Still a Little Cross with Dad

Jesus Still a Little Cross with Dad

During a recent interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus opened up about his tumultuous relationship with his temperamental father. “Dad? We’ve had our ups and downs. I mean, before he brutally sacrificed me to save all humanity, he used to be a huge dick. Remember the flood? Or when he got hammered and convinced Abraham to sacrifice his own son?...

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling
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Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling

North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and United States President Donald Trump are reportedly to begin Non-Violent Communication Therapy. Donald Trump has tweeted, “Nobody does non-violent communication better than me. We are going to break down the biggest walls!! #MAGA” A spokesperson for the North Korean regime corroborated the story, stating that “Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will engage imperialist leader...

UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”
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UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, announced that the United Nations will assert its authority over the Middle East by declaring the region a “gun-free zone.” The announcement, effective immediately, intends to address the threat posed by armed groups, militias, rogue governments, terror cells, criminal networks, Israeli settlers, Israeli Merkava 3’s, Israeli Merkava 4’s, Israeli F-15’s, Israeli F-16’s, Mossad hybrid attack dolphins,...

Syrian President Offers to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence

Syrian President Offers to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence

Over the weekend, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reached out to the Trump administration offering to help with the rising gun violence in Chicago. “You know, I have a great deal of experience dealing with armed gangs and civil unrest,” President Assad said to reporters. “Our so-called ‘Free Syrian Army’ isn’t so different from your Almighty Gaylords.” The White House Press...

Trump Declares War on Wakanda
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Trump Declares War on Wakanda

President Donald Trump has announced that he plans on “invading and securing Wakanda” in the coming weeks. In a speech, President Trump declared, “Wakanda is part of the global Axis of Evil that includes Iran, North Korea, and people who don’t stand for the national anthem. Unless they surrender, they will be met with fire and fury the likes of...

World Ready to Pretend to Care About Syria Again
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World Ready to Pretend to Care About Syria Again

The world has collectively decided it is once again ready to pretend to care about the abysmal situation faced by the Syrian people. A reporter from CNN explained, “We actually used to do a really good job of pretending to care about Syrian refugees and dead children, but recently we’ve been slacking. It’s tough, you know? Remember the 90’s? Those...

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys
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ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name...

ISIS Loses Everything in Bitcoin Crash
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ISIS Loses Everything in Bitcoin Crash

ISIS has reportedly been devastated by the recent Bitcoin crash. The Mideast Beast was able to speak with members of ISIS’ investment branch, Jihad Investments and Security Matters or “JISM,” to detail the devastation wrought by the declining prices. “We bought at around $19,000 and now its back down around $7,500. We poured 80% of our budget into this crap...

Middle Eastern Leaders Ready to Destroy Only Middle Eastern Democracy

Middle Eastern Leaders Ready to Destroy Only Middle Eastern Democracy

Middle Eastern leaders have gathered in anticipation for the destruction of the region’s last true democracy. In a speech, Turkish President Recep Erdogan announced, “They’ve been a thorn in our collective Middle Eastern ass for long enough! Turkey, Iran, Iraq, and the Syrians have all suffered long enough from this petulant little ‘state!’ None of us agree to their right...

Trump Requests Middle East Intel Briefings as Tweets
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Trump Requests Middle East Intel Briefings as Tweets

The Mideast Beast has learned from White House sources that President Trump has requested all Middle East briefings be delivered in Tweet form. One aide told us, “He wouldn’t read any of the traditional briefings, so then we tried shortening and adding way more pictures but really nothing worked. But then we got the bright idea to just start tweeting them to...

World’s Extremists Worried World Won’t End with a Bang
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World’s Extremists Worried World Won’t End with a Bang

Extremists from around the world have convened to discuss the increasingly likely scenario that the world won’t end with a bang. Representatives from the Islamic State, Kahane Chai, Aum Shinrikyo, and U.S. Vice President Pence’s staff met yesterday at an undisclosed location. ISIS spokesperson Mohammed al-Amriki explained the impetus for the meeting, “Despite our differing ideological backgrounds, we’re all in...

Mideast Beast Writers Quit Over Lack of Death Threats

Mideast Beast Writers Quit Over Lack of Death Threats

The Mideast Beast is reportedly losing writers over the lack of hate mail and death threats. One writer, William Balzac explains, “I didn’t graduate with a Masters in Fine Arts from Yale to write scathing satire of corrupt Middle Eastern dictators, crazy Zionist settlers, and camel related sexual escapades and NOT receive death threats. I expected to receive at least...

Palestinian Authority Launches GoFundMe after US Aid Cuts

Palestinian Authority Launches GoFundMe after US Aid Cuts

The Palestinian Authority has announced it will launch a GoFundMe page, after the U.S. State Department’s $80 million aid reduction and further threats from Donald Trump to cut all aid. PA President Mahmoud Abbas decried the cuts. “After decades of brutal and humiliating occupation, this is a slap in the face of the Palestinian nation and will be devastating to...

Struggling with Leaks, Internal Chaos and Loss of Support, He Sees the End is Near

Struggling with Leaks, Internal Chaos and Loss of Support, He Sees the End is Near

Beleaguered by leaks, organizational chaos, infighting, and members jumping ship, the infamous leader struggles to maintain his hold on power. One aid agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity “He’s breaking all the traditions! Didn’t even hold a Ramadan dinner! All the past leaders I can remember have hosted Ramadan dinner.” The “Fire and Fury” leader has...