Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

THE DESERT SOMEWHERE – Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention.

An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our asses kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and Trump, and they won’t even return our calls. Honestly, we feel a bit used, like the town goat.

Another ISIS general explained, “Nobody even remembers to be scared of us. I mean the Americans can’t even be bothered to bomb our convoys while we run away. Whose melon do we need slice off to get back on CNN?”

One anonymous CNN reporter who had to block ISIS’ number told TMB reporters, “Yeah you know ISIS was fun and all, but let’s be real, beheadings in Iraq? So, last year. And now there’s this Zimbabwean coup, a potential Iran-Saudi war, and Trump on Twitter? You really can’t expect us to focus on anything for more than a couple news cycles.”

The ISIS spokesman commented, “To be fair Fox & Friends do keep texting us, but even we have standards.”