Culture

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

Citizens around the world, especially Israelis, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around Israel. International developments for which Israelis have no involvement include: Accelerating spread of Ebola through West Africa and other parts of the world. This apparently was not caused by a dropped test tube in a secret chemical warfare lab in the Negev desert. Gun violence in America is not instigated by Mossad black operations units working alongside special...

Israeli Officials Recommend Skipping 69th Independence Day Celebrations to Avoid STD Outbreak

Israeli Officials Recommend Skipping 69th Independence Day Celebrations to Avoid STD Outbreak

The Israeli Ministry of Health has made a recommendation that Israel skips its 69th birthday and move directly to its 70th. The proposal came about after an innocent Google search revealed that the number ‘69’ has sexual connotations. “I searched ‘how to properly celebrate 69’ on Google to get some ideas for Independence Day and I was shocked, and aroused, by some of the images that appeared,” explained Culture Minister Miri Regev. “After engaging in some personal field research, I realized how...

In Exclusive 69th Birthday Interview, Israel Says, “I’m Ready to Expand a Bit.”

In Exclusive 69th Birthday Interview, Israel Says, “I’m Ready to Expand a Bit.”

Today is Israel’s 69th birthday and apparently he’s grown tired of his size and he’s looking to stretch his legs a bit. At least that’s what the Zionist stud told The Mideast Beast when he caught up with him for a quick interview. “Let’s be honest, I didn’t ask for this God-given role. Yet here I am, over 3,000 years later, still a hoppin’ A-list superstar. Even the haters can’t stop talking. But look at me; I’m a midget! Sorry, ‘Person of Short...

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

The Islamic State has finally come up with a solution to its financial problems, as the department store Nordstrom has agreed to pay hundreds of dollars per item for pairs of soiled jeans worn by the group’s fighters. “After we lost our access to oil and ran out of priceless art to sell, we were so broke we thought we might have to shut down shop,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted. “But then we saw that those infidels at...

Iraq Voted onto UN Women’s Council, Saudi Arabia Shocked

Iraq Voted onto UN Women’s Council, Saudi Arabia Shocked

Saudi Arabia, recently elected to represent women on the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women, is apparently shocked that Iraq, a country where women’s rights are declining rapidly, would be included.  A Saudi leader commented, “I mean, I understand why we were elected to join, but Iraq!?!?” “We aren’t really sure how our country was elected, it’s definitely not something we support… women’s rights that is.  We’re pretty much the wife beater of the Middle East. But at...

BREAKING: Genesis 12:3 Decides to Retire

BREAKING: Genesis 12:3 Decides to Retire

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB) Genesis 12:3 has revealed that it is uncomfortable with its current fame and is considering retiring from the bible. “It used to be that I was a bit part player in the whole story,” Genesis 12:3 told TMB in its first interview in several centuries. “You know I was just that verse that was used to make sure Genesis 12:2 and Genesis 12:4 didn’t bump in to each other.” However, Genesis 12:3 says that in the...

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

DOHA – Despite multiple bloody wars rocking the region, nearly 20 Middle Eastern countries have launched a joint bid to have camel racing declared an Olympic sport. A delegation is due in Switzerland next week to argue their case before the International Olympic Committee. At a press conference in Doha, Qatar’s Sheikh Jamaal bin Tamim Al Thani, chairman of the International Camel Racing Federation (ICRAC) and co-chair of the bid, said: “Camel racing is hugely popular across nearly 40 countries...

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...

Saudi King to Mike Pence: “You can be my VP Anytime.”

Saudi King to Mike Pence: “You can be my VP Anytime.”

King Salman of Saudi Arabia has expressed his admiration for Vice President Pence’s stance on meeting with women. In a statement to The Mideast Beast, he said, “He really does have a sensible approach which really resonates here in The Kingdom. The fact that he allows them to be uncovered in his presence is a little ‘progressive’ but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s just something to pacify the ‘libtards’.” Aryeh Deri, Chairman of Shas, the ultra-Orthodox political party of...

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out.  Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Leaders Praise Trump for Refusing Handshake with Woman

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Leaders Praise Trump for Refusing Handshake with Woman

President Trump’s refusal to shake German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s hand has won him the support of Israel’s Haredi community, as religious conservatives welcomed an unlikely ally in their battle against the mixing of the genders. “For years we’ve been refusing to sit on planes or busses with women who are not our wives because any physical contact between the sexes is wrong, and we are glad that the president has finally come around,” a spokesman for the ultra-orthodox, Jewish community...

Taliban on A Day Without a Woman: ‘We’re Way Ahead of You’

Taliban on A Day Without a Woman: ‘We’re Way Ahead of You’

The ‘A Day Without a Woman’ movement gained an unlikely supporter this week, as the Taliban praised the initiative to keep women from going to work in support for gender equality. “While women in the US are finally skipping work in order to protest the patriarchy, we have been vigilantly enforcing the ‘Day Without a Woman’ cause every day for more than 20 years,” a Taliban spokesman said. “In fact, we take the ‘Day Without a Woman’ initiative so seriously...

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and women could have resorted to any number of juvenile jokes relating to camels, their owners, and the potential of a close relationship between the two. It is a tribute to them that there was...

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but last month revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits the Kingdom. “Allah decides who is a man and who is a woman, and Bruce Jenner cannot change the will of Allah, so...

Desperate for Money, ISIS Creating Postmodern Art from Destroyed Remains of Ancient World

Desperate for Money, ISIS Creating Postmodern Art from Destroyed Remains of Ancient World

ISIS leaders have been taking meetings in the contemporary art scene to raise money for future fighting in Mosul. Citing religious purposes, the group is known to destroy ancient art and ruins with sledgehammers, bombs and permanent markers to erase the rich cultural history of the region. But now, facing a stronger Iraqi/US front, the group has no choice but to change strategy. Led by Kata’ib Taswiyya, the group traditionally in charge of demolishing cultural targets, ISIS has started producing sculptural...

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

Al-Qaeda: ‘It’s About Time America Shuts Women Up’

Al-Qaeda: ‘It’s About Time America Shuts Women Up’

“We couldn’t be happier to see that the United States is finally seeing things our way,” commented an al-Qaeda leader when he found out Senator Elizabeth Warren was silenced during the debate on the Attorney General nomination. “Women should never have the right to voice their opinion and it’s about time America did something about it.” “For far too long, America has given women rights that they just shouldn’t have.  It is refreshing that President Trump and the Republicans are...

Following Brexit, UK Considers Joining Middle East

Following Brexit, UK Considers Joining Middle East

With Britain looking for a new home after narrowly voting to leave the EU, the Brits are reportedly considering joining the Middle East. “Things didn’t work out with Europe, but it’s time we get back out there on the market,” former London mayor and leading Brexiter Boris Johnson told The Mideast Beast. “The Middle East has some great things to offer; it’s got warm weather, historical sites, people with real tans, a touch of our own imperial legacy, and a little...

Following Trump Victory, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Arrive in Jerusalem

Following Trump Victory, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Arrive in Jerusalem

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have arrived in Jerusalem this week for discussions on how exactly they are going to end mankind. Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death have gathered in The King David Hotel and won’t be leaving until things are settled. End of the World groupie, Jim Jane commented, “The guys are just in a really good place right now and feel that now is the time to get their ducks in a row, you know before all...

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

According to the results of a study conducted by one prestigious American community college, over 87% of comments made on various internet forums about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict were written by people who had completed master’s degrees in the field of middle eastern studies, or in a comparable field. The study, which was carried out by researchers over a five-year period, finally explains why most comments online about the issue are so intelligent and thoroughly researched. According to Emeritus Professor Susie...