Culture

Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’

Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’

ORLANDO, FL — The Happiest Place On Earth just got a little happier, as Disney announced the opening of Little Israel at Epcot Center this past weekend, just in time for Hanukkah and Christmas.  The multinational corporation has carved out some land to represent the Jewish State, providing authentic cultural experiences all staffed by out-of-your-league chicks rocking casually slung assault rifles. As Epcot is known for showcasing technological innovations from around the world, Little Israel features the Iron Dome Missile...

VP Pence Looks to The Middle East for Women’s Rights Issues

VP Pence Looks to The Middle East for Women’s Rights Issues

Vice President-elect and Planned Parenthood nemesis Mike Pence is doggedly preparing to launch a new platform on women’s rights, viewing the Middle East as a key source of inspiration. “It should be no secret to anyone that I don’t always see eye-to-eye with ISIS or Iran,” Pence began in his yawn-inducing tone. “But when it comes to the treatment of women, we are on the same page. 100 percent.” Pence, who actually signed into law a bill requiring funerals for aborted fetuses,...

Anti-Gay Kentucky Clerk Finds Ample Job Opportunities in Middle East

Anti-Gay Kentucky Clerk Finds Ample Job Opportunities in Middle East

Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, who came under fire for refusing to issue marriage certificates to same-sex couples, revealed yesterday that a number of Middle Eastern countries are interested in her services. “After facing so much hate and discrimination from my fellow Americans, it’s a relief to see that there’s one part of the world where my God-given hatred of homosexuality is appreciated,” Davis told The Mideast Beast. “The tolerance these countries have shown towards a persecuted minority like myself is...

Hamas Legalizes Same Sex Unions in the Gaza Strip

Hamas Legalizes Same Sex Unions in the Gaza Strip

The Hamas government said Friday it will recognize same-sex marriages performed in any of the over 1,000 smuggling tunnels situated along the border between the Gaza Strip and Israel. “Something unexpected and fabulous happened during those long, lonely nights inside those dark, dusty tunnels during the last war,” explained Hamas Justice Minister Abdul-Malik Kassis. “While resisting the usurper Zionist government’s siege against Palestine, those smuggling tunnels became snuggling tunnels,” Kassis elaborated. “After the first couple of weeks of our magnificent struggle against...

UN Security Council Deems ‘The Mideast Beast’ a Terror Organization

UN Security Council Deems ‘The Mideast Beast’ a Terror Organization

New York City — Wire services report the United Nations Security Council’s five permanent members and ten non-permanent members have determined the online publication The Mideast Beast a terrorist organization in a vote of 15–0. Citing numerous examples of terror-related reports published on the web and social media, along with overwhelming evidence of the publication’s questionable motives, the council’s unanimous decision could result in UN sanctions. According to one United Nations insider that wished to remain anonymous, “We believe it to...

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...

Trump Furious After Golden Statue of Netanyahu Appears in Tel Aviv

Trump Furious After Golden Statue of Netanyahu Appears in Tel Aviv

President-elect Donald Trump’s elation over his unexpected election last month disappeared this week, after a golden statue of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu appeared in Tel Aviv. Trump is furious that no similar likeness of him has appeared, and the president-elect has fired his entire transition team over this failure. Trump initially reacted to the statue’s appearance with equanimity, tweeting, “Congrats2 @netanyahu on Gold Statue! A gr8 leeter(sic) &friend! Well deserved!” But his tone changed minutes later, as he followed...

Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria

Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria

According to the Russian Interfax news service, just in time for the holidays, Russia is planning to deploy an additional S-300 ‘Santa Tracking’ surface to air missile system to Syria. The weapon will be capable of tracking Santa Claus across Syrian airspace. The Russian Ministry of Defense (MoD) insists that the system is nothing for the US or its allies to be concerned about. It is simply being deployed as a precaution to make sure that Santa has a safe...

Israel Bio-Tech Startup Unveils Anti-Horn Cream for Jews

Israel Bio-Tech Startup Unveils Anti-Horn Cream for Jews

An Israeli Bio-Tech startup announced today that is preparing an anti-horn cream specifically for Jews, which will hit the market just before Hanukkah. The cream will revolutionize the way Jews deal with controlling their horns. For centuries, Jews have been filing them down nightly, a task that could add twenty minutes to one’s bedtime routine. However, the new cream works to prevent horn growth, and is applied briefly after showering. In one preliminary study, it was found that after the...

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Due to escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?” Despite heavy media attention on Israel, a deeper analysis has uncovered that the...

Trump Appeals to the Religious Right by Claiming to be Jesus

Trump Appeals to the Religious Right by Claiming to be Jesus

TRUMP TOWER, NYC — Donald Trump had been making conservative Christians very uneasy. The religious right, who historically have supported Republican presidents, have found it difficult to politically back someone as liberal as Donald Trump. Struggling to find “a relationship with Christ“, and thus a way to connect to Christians, Trump apparently found the solution: he announced yesterday that he is, in fact, the son of God and this is his second coming. While initially the statement received backlash from conservative preachers,...

Syrians Breathe Sigh of Relief as Kanye Released from Hospital after ‘Being Tired’

Syrians Breathe Sigh of Relief as Kanye Released from Hospital after ‘Being Tired’

ALEPPO — The residents of war-torn Aleppo breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday night after learning Kanye West had been released from the hospital after eight whole days for exhaustion, according to major news channels, and TMZ. West has a rapidly shrinking fan base in Aleppo (due to the city’s rapidly dwindling population), but a fan base nevertheless. Many of these fans had been under considerable stress while the rapper was under observation for being tired. “Kanye’s music has...

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

Under the constant threat of barrel bombs, stray mortar shells, and crossfire between various rebel factions, Syrian teen Mahmoud al-Tibi admitted Sunday that he can’t find one goddamn minute to jerk off properly. Between his mom barging into his bedroom to tell him “they’ve begun shelling again” and his little sister sobbing uncontrollably next door it’s proving impossible to ‘smack the Imam’. “I try to watch some porn but halfway through the Internet connection just goes dead.” RELATED: Porn Brings Israeli...

‘Real News’ Agencies Slam ‘Fake News’ Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy

‘Real News’ Agencies Slam ‘Fake News’ Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy

News agencies around the world are fuming at the existence of satirical news sites, claiming they are doing grave damage to people’s knowledge of the facts. Yet, news agencies that people rely on for information regarding global events, such as Fox News and CNN (among a slew of others), have a disturbingly high percentage of incorrect fact presentation. In other words, their bullshit meter is, at times, off the fucking charts. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, a BBC official in...

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them! Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mate right before their soul meet its maker. However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out...

ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays

ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays

Like all holiday seasons that are just around the corner, they can be a period of intense joy, spending time with family and friends. But they can also be a time of dread. For many couples in a new relationship, one has to ask if the holidays are the right time to meet that significant other’s family. This predicament is no different for terrorist groups. This holiday season is putting a lot of stress on ISIS member, Abu al-Badhu Mohammed. “She’s...

“War Day” the New “Snow Day”

“War Day” the New “Snow Day”

There’s only one thing teenagers hate more than war: school! This means that Middle Eastern kids, teens, and young people of all kinds are in luck. Not only are more than half of Syria’s kids not in school, but the universities in Iraq have now closed. Yemen? Forget about it. “It’s great! Sure, bombs are being dropped on our heads constantly, and I don’t know whether or not I’ll make it through the night dead or alive, but to be honest,...

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...

ISIS Recruit Thought He’d Be Drowning in Pussy by Now

ISIS Recruit Thought He’d Be Drowning in Pussy by Now

19-year-old Hazem Talib assumed he’d be knee deep in warm apple pie after joining ISIS, but he has reportedly been very disappointed with the terror group’s weak poon game. “My cousins in ISIS, Mahir and Hamid, would tell me stories about getting crazy amounts of trim every single day, but I feel like I’ve been spending all my time just fending off mortar attacks and dodging airstrikes. I’ve barely gotten any action from the ladies at all,” Talib told reporters....