Archives
Progressives Demand Israel Replace Iron Dome with Social Workers
While Israel’s Iron Dome shot down thousands of rockets headed for Israeli cities last month during Operation Guardian of the Walls, Democrats in Congress are proposing a less violent way for the Jewish state to stop the rocket fire from Gaza. Legislation proposed by a group of far-Left Democrats would end US funding for Iron Dome and replace it with...
Comparison to Taliban and Hamas was a Compliment, Ilhan Omar Clarifies
Facing criticism from within her own party after comparing the US and Israel to Hamas and the Taliban, Rep. Ilhan Omar clarified that the comments were meant as a compliment of America and its ally. “I was trying to point out how much progress both the US and Israel have made,” the Minnesota Democrat told The Mideast Beast. “Hamas and...
Iran: Coronavirus, Not Violent Homophobia, Reason for Pride Cancellation
June is Pride Month, and in many countries it is a time to celebrate sexual diversity by plastering rainbow flags on pretty much anything and holding parades where people dance down the streets in speedos spreading glitter on everyone and everywhere. However, from some this year’s festivities are being put on hold because some governments still can’t get their shit...
NYT Wins Pulitzer for ‘Watermelons Found on Mars’ Story
The New York Times has won yet another Pulitzer for a retracted story, this time for a mistakenly published report that watermelons found on Mars were planted by a growing population of fruit aliens. The Times pulled down the story within an hour, saying that the post was part of an internal online test that was inadvertently published. But that...
The New York Times Unveils New “All-Israel” Section
In a dramatic announcement, The New York Times’ Executive Editor Dean Baquet today unveiled the paper’s newest section, ‘All Israel.’ “A number of our readers open the paper just to scan for our Israel coverage. Some do it to complain that we are bashing Israel. Others so they can complain that we are not bashing Israel enough. Now they just...
Once Again, God Urges Both Jews, Muslims to Stand Their Ground in Dispute over Jerusalem
Yet again tensions are flaring between Israelis and Palestinians in Jerusalem, as Hamas threatens the annual Israeli Right flag march – as if 2020 and the 11-day war wasn’t enough of a fail – God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood”...
Taylor Greene Invited to Serve on Hamas Education Committee
Just months after the US House of Representatives voted to bar Greene from the House Committee on Education and Labor, Hamas, the Islamist militant group in charge of governing the Gaza Strip, announced that it has invited her to chair its education committee, only weeks after an 11-day war with Israel. “Frankly, we were incredibly impressed by the depth of...
Ellie Kemper Apologizes for Controversial ‘Al Qaeda Beauty Pageant’
Actress Ellie Kemper is once again apologizing for her youthful indiscretion after it emerged that the star appeared in Al Qaeda’s 1999 ‘Queen of the Jihad’ debutante ball. Kemper, known for her roles in Bridesmaids, The Office, and The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, said she knew little about the terror group when she participated in the pageant. “All I knew was...
Democrats Flee to Middle East to Escape Republicans’ Restrictive Voter Laws
Looking to escape Republican attempts to end democracy through restrictive voting laws, a growing number of prominent Democrats have fled the US and claimed asylum in the Middle East. Stacey Abrams, a former Georgia gubernatorial candidate who was kept out of office in a coup d’etat, recently arrived in Egypt where she claimed refugee status due to a new Georgia...
Antisemitism Almost Disappears after Liberal US Jews and Hawkish Israelis Trade Places
Antisemitism has almost disappeared from Planet Earth after liberal US Jews and hawkish Israelis agreed to trade places. The unconventional solution comes after President Joe Biden recently called the rise in anti-Semitic attacks in the US “despicable, unconscionable, un-American.” The creative brainchild “Trading Places for Peace”, was reportedly created by Eddie Murphy, Biden’s new Community Diversity Director who spoke to...
Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has escalated to new heights with each side accusing the other of misgendering. In a statement released by the Office of the Prime Minister, at least for a few more days, Netanyahu explained, “We used to be called Palestine, but on the inside, we’ve always been Israel. And so, in 1948 we transitioned. Israel is our gender, which...
Cuming to Skies Near You: Air Aviv to Offer Clothing-Optional “Adults-Only” Class
TEL AVIV – For the first time in aviation history, Tel Aviv-based carrier Air Aviv will offer a restricted, clothing-optional “Adults-Only Class” on selected trans-Mediterranean routes. The separate section – to be located at the rear of each aircraft – will offer five rows of business class-quality seats, each with widescreen flat screen with over 10,000 free adult films, retractable privacy shutters, complimentary...
Bibi: We’ll Never Concede, We’ll Storm the Capitol’s Temple Mount
Facing the end of his political career, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu told his supporters “We will never give up, we will never concede. We will break through the Temple Mount and storm Israel’s capitol, Jerusalem.” Netanyahu reluctantly agreed to speak to The Mideast Beast after he was convinced that the reputable satirical site is somehow loosely affiliated with...
In Support of BDS, Mia Khalifa Vows to Boycott Gang Bangs with More than Seven IDF Soldiers
In a statement of support for the anti-Israel BDS movement, porn star Mia Khalifa said that she will no longer allow more than six or seven Israeli soldiers to gang bang her in any future adult videos. “No matter how much anyone pays me, I will never again be octuple-teamed by greased-up IDF commandos until Palestine is free!” she exclaimed....
Hamas Joins Forces with Tel Aviv to Build City’s New Subway System
Tel Aviv City Council has signed a radical new public infrastructure agreement with Hamas. Starting next month they will be joining forces to take advantage of Hamas’ second favorite hobby (after amateur rocket firing), digging! One City Councilman explained the concept. “Everyone knows that traffic in this town is a nightmare. Last night I was at a particularly boring budget...
“That Wasn’t Me in the Israel Rant Video!” Claims John Oliver
John Oliver – the award-winning comedian, political satirist, and host of the eponymous HBO show “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver” – has vehemently denied that he had anything to do with the now (in)famous ‘Israel rant’, claiming to be a victim of deepfake technology. FBI agents have arrested Ronald Dahl, a 16-year-old London native now living in New York...
Mideast Pacifists, Drag Queens, and Feminists Celebrate UN anti-Israel Human Rights Probe
Middle Eastern human rights advocates, such as Syria’s self-declared pacifist leader Bashar Assad, Hezbollah drag queens, and Yemeni feminist jihadists celebrated the UN Human Right Council’s decision to create a permanent fact-finding mission to probe alleged Israeli war crimes worldwide such as “chicken soup addiction.” The progressive human rights organization Woke Ayatollahs against Zionist Nukes also demanded a probe into...
Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’
The Gaza-based, Iranian-backed Palestinian Islamist terror organization, Hamas, chided The Onion yesterday for its anti-Israel obsession, urging the Wisconsin-based satirical publication to “focus more on the LOLs.” The group’s message came during the recent outbreak of violence leading to a series of Onion articles that, in the words of Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, “were the kind of anti-Israel rants we...
Hamas Asks Late Night Hosts to Investigate Israeli War Crimes after UN Says Israeli Strikes ‘Precise’, ‘Accurate’
In a shocking twist to the 2021 Israel-Gaza War, Mattias Schmale, the Director of the United Nations Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA) in Gaza told reporters that he believes the IDF “struck targets with ‘sophistication’ and ‘precision’.” Unsurprisingly, anger was widespread and condemnation was quick. Hamas, who has (literally) worked for UNRWA, as well as having used UNRWA schools from...
Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist
After dominating the sneaker business for decades, athletic apparel firm Nike announced that it will stop making footwear after spokesman and former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick insisted that shoes are a symbol of racism and slavery. Nike had just announced the launch of its latest basketball shoe, which it planned to sell for $199 a pair, when Kaepernick insisted in...