Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli

Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli

In a snub that has inserted politics into the world’s most popular film genre, Egyptian porn star Muhammed al-Qadibi walked off the set following a scene with an Israeli co-star before the money shot. The act was seen across the adult film world as a serious violation of industry etiquette, as co-stars are always expected to follow each scene with a money shot regardless of one another’s nationality. Al-Qadibi, however, insisted that he would not legitimize Israel’s existence by ejaculating...

Americans Finally Accept Islam After Learning Muslim Politicians Also Lie, Cheat

Americans Finally Accept Islam After Learning Muslim Politicians Also Lie, Cheat

In a major breakthrough, a large majority of Americans are now comfortable with Muslims in public life after learning that Muslim politicians also pretend to be devout while cheating on their spouse with a colleague. The shift in public opinion occurred after Ilhan Omar, the first Muslim Congresswoman to wear a headscarf, was accused of cheating on her husband with a married political strategist who had worked on her campaign. Voters said that they were greatly relieved to learn that...

IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time

IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time

Beqaa Valley, Lebanon — The Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and Hezbollah have been forced to admit their highly publicized conflict has in fact been a total fraud. An IDF spokesman confirmed, “Yep, the jig is up. The dummy soldiers spotted this week are really just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, the last decades of conflict have been faked through a cunning combination of the effects team from Industrial Light and Magic, truckloads of fireworks, and of course all...

Sanders Praises Yemen for Lack of Millionaires and Billionaires

Sanders Praises Yemen for Lack of Millionaires and Billionaires

Calling the war-torn country a model for the US in combating inequality, US Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders effusively praised Yemen for having very few millionaires and billionaires. “In America, supposedly the greatest country in the world, there are thousands of millionaires and billionaires walking around freely, hogging all the wealth,” Sanders told reporters during a trip to the country. “Meanwhile, I have been in Yemen for days and have yet to see a millionaire or a billionaire. Talk...

Trump and Zarif Hammer Back Late-Night Drinks

Trump and Zarif Hammer Back Late-Night Drinks

Following the Group of Seven summit held in Biarritz, France, President Donald Trump and Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Zarif were caught taking shots at a local pub. The members of the summit, the world’s seven economically robust countries, were taken by surprise when Zarif attended as a special guest of French president Emmanuel Macron. During the first evening of the conference, however, while most delegates were asleep in their hotel, Trump and Zarif were caught ditching their security and running...

Iran Claims It Needs Nuclear Weapons to Fight Hurricanes

Iran Claims It Needs Nuclear Weapons to Fight Hurricanes

Following news that President Donald Trump had suggested using nuclear bombs to stop hurricanes from hitting the US, the Iranian regime is now insisting that its nuclear weapons program is in fact aimed at protecting the country from severe weather events. “We said all along that our nuclear program was peaceful,” Iranian President Hassan Rouhani told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, we were planning on building a nuclear bomb all along, but not to nuke the US or Israel. We just...

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it was a Mosque, so I was pretty upset, but then I saw that it was a school promoting coexistence, and...

Imitating Bolsonaro, Al Qaeda Tries to Burn Down Arabian Desert

Imitating Bolsonaro, Al Qaeda Tries to Burn Down Arabian Desert

Envious that so much of the world’s anger has been directed towards Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro over fires in the Amazon Rainforest, al Qaeda has ordered its warriors to burn down the Middle East’s preeminent ecosystem, the Arabian Desert. Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri said in an internal memo that he hopes raging fires across the Arabian Peninsula will inspire the same type of outcry that the flames in the Amazon have, putting the terror group back in the spotlight....

ISIS Takes Responsibility for Amazon Fires

ISIS Takes Responsibility for Amazon Fires

Calling it one of their greatest attacks, ISIS claimed responsibility (as usual) for the forest fires that are wreaking havoc across the Amazon rainforest. “Today, the caliphate celebrates a great victory over the world,” former Caliph Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi announced in a live broadcast Thursday morning. “We can attack New York, Paris, and even Bowling Green as our al-Qaeda brothers have done..but today we celebrate victory over the whole world!” Over the past several days, many news sources have taken...

Israel Picks Salman of Saudi Arabia as New King

Israel Picks Salman of Saudi Arabia as New King

Following high-level negotiations between Jerusalem and Riyadh, it has been confirmed that King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques will be adding Israel to his portfolio later this year. The decision was made following concern that President Donald Trump might actually proclaim himself regent with a view to turning the Golan Heights into a giant golf course and proclaim Gal Gadot his queen. A spokesman for the Jews commented, “Don’t get us wrong, we’re grateful...

Jewish Democrats Pledge Support for Trump to Prove Loyalty

Jewish Democrats Pledge Support for Trump to Prove Loyalty

In the wake of President Trump’s latest statements regarding the Jews and Israel, many Jewish Democrats across the United States have taken to social media to pledge their full support to the President and his administration. “If you want to vote Democrat, you are being very disloyal to Jewish people and very disloyal to Israel,” the President said. “It’s almost as bad as a Mexican voting Republican. Stupid!” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who has claimed in the past to have Jewish heritage,...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Furious After Banned from Salman Rushdie’s Birthday Party

Iran’s Supreme Leader Furious After Banned from Salman Rushdie’s Birthday Party

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei is calling for a complete boycott of Salman Rushdie after the novelist refused to invite Khamenei to his 73rd birthday party. Khamenei, who recently renewed a 30-year-old fatwa calling for Rushdie’s death, had planned to spend the birthday party lobbying for guests to carry out the death order. But those plans were halted when he was informed that he would not be let into the exclusive event. “This is so unfair!” a crying Khamenei said...

ISIS Doctor Loses License for Actually Saving Life

ISIS Doctor Loses License for Actually Saving Life

Calling him “disgraceful” and “an infidel,” ISIS spokesman Abu Hassan al-Muhajir has announced the disqualification of Dr. Abu-Bakhr’s license to practice medicine. The decision to revoke his license comes after the surgeon provided life-saving intervention to a little boy suffering from tuberculosis. “Abu-Bakhr intentionally defied the protocol set in place to prevent this type of incident,” the spokesman said. “How are we supposed to kill infidels if we can’t even kill a child!” This wouldn’t be the first time an...

President Trump Buys Yemen

President Trump Buys Yemen

Following the refusal of the Danish government to consider selling him Greenland, President Trump has set his sights on the Middle Eastern country voted “Most Bombable” five years in a row. A spokesman for the President commented, “Frankly we were just testing the waters with Greenland. But it was clear early on that there was a high risk we would just be adding a bunch of liberal sea level raising alarmists to the voting roles. And really who needs that...

Mike Pence Reconsiders Position on Palestine after Gay-Ban

Mike Pence Reconsiders Position on Palestine after Gay-Ban

In the wake the Palestinian Authority’s (PA) decision to ban LGBTQ activities in the West Bank, Vice President Mike Pence has announced the Trump administration is rethinking its pro-Israel position. “For the longest time, I thought the Palestinians were just some god-forsaken, backwater savages! But after this, I think we’ve got to reconsider. I’ve been to Tel Aviv and let me tell you, the amount of indecent, sinful activity I saw there made me question the $38 billion dollars of...

Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Following rocky negotiations between US and Israeli officials about new settlements in the West Bank, President Trump has instructed his envoy to allow building to go ahead, so long as they bear a giant “Trump” sign on the entrance. “This might be the toughest deal ever,” commented the President  “I’m not really up to speed with the complexities of the situation on the ground but I know that the Israelis can’t keep building settlements that don’t have my name on...

Tlaib’s Grandmother Furious She Must Keep Cooking, Throwing Away Food

Tlaib’s Grandmother Furious She Must Keep Cooking, Throwing Away Food

While Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib’s on-again off-again plans to visit Israel and the Palestinian territories have roiled the US, the uncertainty has also caused untold aggravation for Tlaib’s grandmother, who has spent the past week cooking for Rashida’s expected visit. After staying up all night cooking Rashida’s favorite dishes earlier this week, Tlaib’s grandmother was forced to feed a week’s worth of maqluba to the neighborhood cats when she learned that Israel had banned her and fellow congresswoman Ilhan Omar from...

Anthony Weiner Distraught He Never Got to Befriend Epstein

Anthony Weiner Distraught He Never Got to Befriend Epstein

Calling the deceased financier a kindred spirit, former US Congressman Anthony Weiner is reportedly distraught that he never got the chance to become friends with Jeffrey Epstein before his death. In a since-deleted Tweet, the disgraced New York politician complained that he was never invited to Epstein’s mansion, let alone his ‘orgy island’ in the Caribbean. While he hoped that this was an oversight, he admitted to being worried that he had done something wrong to not warrant an invite....

Elders of Zion Admit “It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Everyone Realizes, We Killed Jeffrey Epstein”

Elders of Zion Admit “It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Everyone Realizes, We Killed Jeffrey Epstein”

The Elders of Zion have expressed concern since conspiracy theories started doing the rounds following the apparent suicide of wealthy American financer Jeffrey Epstein “Obviously, such a wealthy well-connected man accused of serious criminal behavior ‘conveniently’ killing himself ahead of a trial which could have implicated other powerful people has lent itself to conspiracy theorists having a field day”, commented one official for the shadowy organization of ugly-nosed lizard people that control the world. “Sure, everyone’s having a good time...

Bronx Zoo to Ban Video Games After Hedgehog Attacks Woman, Steals Rings

Bronx Zoo to Ban Video Games After Hedgehog Attacks Woman, Steals Rings

The Bronx Zoo announced that it will no longer allow its animals to play video games due to concerns that the games are leading to violent behavior. The decision came after one of the zoo’s hedgehogs attacked a visitor and stole her rings after playing hours upon hours of Sonic the Hedgehog. Just days earlier, an Italian tourist was sent to the hospital after a gorilla struck him with an empty barrel. “We are clearly seeing animals acting out on...