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Taliban Sees Pushback Over ‘Critical Jihad Theory’
Just as it prepares to retake the country, the Taliban is seeing its popularity in Afghanistan wane due to its support for “Critical Jihad Theory.” Taliban officials have insisted that schools, major companies and the military all teach Critical Jihad Theory, or CJT, which teaches that all people are either “infidels” or “anti-infidels.” Training seminars at major Afghan corporations urge...
Palestinians Are “Just Regular People,” Shocking New Study Finds
A monumental shift in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is sure to take place following the release of some astonishing findings in a new Hebrew University study. The multi-year study investigated a somewhat simple hypothesis, but one which is rarely considered. It turns out, the paper states, “That contrary to what many believe, Palestinians are just regular people. Like the authors of...
Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler
Mr Estevez looks very familiar, like someone you might recognize had the years been kinder. He has an odd accent for a person who claims to have lived his whole life in beautiful Buenos Aires, Argentina. Spanish with a twinge of something stern that’s hard to place. This polite old man has been claiming in recent days that he knows...
Squad Members Say There Were ‘Very Fine People on Both Sides’ of Stabbing of Israeli Rabbi in Boston
Calling it a complicated and nuanced situation, members of the far-Left “Squad” insisted that there were “very fine people on both sides” of an anti-Semitic stabbing attack in Boston last week. While noting that she did not condone 24-year-old Khaled Awad’s decision to stab Rabbi Shlomo Noginski outside a Jewish day school, Rep. Ilhan Omar urged her supporters not to...
Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee
Rapper Drake and supermodel Gigi Hadid have been spotted at a Hollywood Starbucks discussing their views on the Israel-Palestine conflict. Drake, who is half Jewish, believes in Israel’s right to remain a Jewish state. Hadid, whose father is Palestinian, believes in an end to the occupation and a one-state solution. The two were spotted around noon during the middle of...
Ilhan Omar Doubles Down, Compares Israel to Sith Empire
Refusing to back down from her earlier comments comparing Israel and the US to Hamas and the Taliban, Rep. Ilhan Omar has now equated Israel with the Darth Vader-led Sith Empire. “We have seen unthinkable atrocities, including the destruction of entire planets, by evil entities like the Sith Order, the Galactic Empire, Israel, and Republicans in Congress,” Omar told CNN’s...
Chicago Dyke March Bans Gays and Lesbians After Learning Israel Supports Gay Rights
The Chicago Dyke March, a pride event held each June, has announced that it will no longer allow gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people to take part in the march after learning that Israel is a strong supporter of gay rights. The event’s organizers, who previously previously banned flags portraying the Star of David and earlier this month posted a...
Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week
Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv last week during the city’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly...
Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters
Winner of the sexiest nation (Middle East and North Africa Division) for three years running, Israel, has expressed concerned at the quality of international chicks willing to ‘stand by it’. Chatting with The Mideast Beast in an exclusive heart to heart, the Zionist hunk was unrepentant. “Look, it’s not that I’m not grateful for the support, it’s just that I...
Study Finds COVID-19 Death Toll Inexplicably Soaring Among Saudi Journalists, Bloggers
Every day brings new information about those who are most at risk of serious complications from the coronavirus Delta variant. It was believed that it only negatively affected those over sixty years of age and anyone with heart, respiratory or immune conditions. Nonetheless, new data, which has been collected at various embassies and consulates, suggests that the group most likely...
Taliban’s Tourism Minister Excited to Welcome Vaccinated Infidels
The Taliban Ministry of Tourism in Afghanistan is excitedly preparing to welcome vaccinated non-Muslim tourists in July. By contrast, virus-phobic Israel decided once again to postpone the reopening of its borders to vaccinated tourists until August due to the global spread of the coronavirus Delta variant. The Taliban’s Tourism Minister, Mullah Kabir, spoke to The Mideast Beast after Lonely Planet...
Supporters Furious After Ilhan Omar Goes Week Without Anti-Semitic Comment
Followers of Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar are rethinking their support for the progressive lawmaker after Omar went more than a week without an anti-Semitic dog whistle. Omar, who has won praise from progressives ranging from David Duke to Louis Farrakhan for her constant criticism of “Zionists,” has reportedly made few if any openly anti-Semitic remarks since early June, when she...
Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments
Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation...
Biden Gives al Qaeda List of Buildings to Not Blow Up
Following a successful meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in which he presented a list of critical infrastructure off limits to cyberattacks, US President Joe Biden announced that he has sent the terror group al Qaeda a list of 16 critical buildings to not fly a plane into. Biden sent the list by fax, stating that al Qaeda would be...
‘At Least Nazis Didn’t Make Jews Wear Masks,’ Taylor Greene Says
A week after apologizing for comparing mask requirements to the Holocaust, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene now says that Jews in concentration camps were lucky to be able to spend their days unmasked. “Even Hitler was not as cruel as our current Fuhrer, Speaker Pelosi,” Greene tweeted late Sunday. “The Jews might have been gassed to death, but at least they...
Elon Musk Unveils Mideast Peace Plan to Rename Israel “G-71X//4” and Move the Capital to Rigel 7
Tech genius and mental maverick, Elon Musk, has made the news yet again this week with his bold Mideast peace proposal. The first part of the plan involves changing the name of the “Earth nation of Israel” to the more appropriate “G-71X//4.” The second and even more ambitious part of the plan is his proposal to move the capital from...
“Secret Jewish Space Laser” Merch – by Dissent Pins
We can thank Nick Jehlen, Madeline Elwell, Caitlin Kuhwald, among others, at Dissent Pins for this golden merch! Visit their site to get your “Secret Jewish Space Laser” pins, shirts, and hats today! Enjoy! Full disclosure: The Mideast Beast does not earn any profit for promoting Dissent Pins. (Between us, 👀 they don’t even know we’re plugging their collection). It’s...
Biden and Putin Agree to “Make World Peaceful like the Mideast”
During the recent US-Russian summit in Geneva, US President Joe Biden and Russian President Vladimir Putin vowed to “make the world as peaceful as the Middle East.” Biden spoke to The Mideast Beast about his meeting with the Russian leader in Switzerland. “Folks, I had a constructive face-to-poker-face meeting with Russian Tzar Vladimir Stalin in Sweden. We agreed to make...
Linda Sarsour to Convert to Judaism After Learning Women and Arabs Serve in Parliament, Supreme Court, and Just About Everywhere Else in Israel
Known for her advocacy on women’s rights, Linda Sarsour has become a major leader in the world of feminism, and not loving Jews as much as their mothers do. However, earlier this week, Ms. Sarsour announced her plan to convert to Judaism. Sarsour told The Mideast Beast that she started thinking about her decision during the recent transition to the...
‘Why Do Only Loser Congresspeople Like Us?’ Hamas Asks
With Rep. Ilhan Omar comparing the Islamist terror group to America and Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez also strongly siding against Israel during the recent conflict, Hamas leaders are reportedly confused as to why only losers seem to like them. “I mean, it’s kind of amazing that anyone in America supports us, given how insane our charter is and...