Bashar Assad Blames Syrian Civil War Death Toll on Lack of Doctors

Bashar Assad Blames Syrian Civil War Death Toll on Lack of Doctors

Syrian President Bashar Assad has accused his country’s medical professionals of violating their Hippocratic Oath by abandoning the approximately 200,000 men, women and children who have perished since civil war broke out four years ago. “Truth be told, most of the injuries started out as flesh wounds. Had our doctors not up and left their countrymen, the death toll would have been no higher than fifteen, twenty at most,” Assad asserted in a recent interview with the BBC. The Syrian...

Israeli TV Network Looks to Limit Audience Voting in “Elections 2015” Reality Show

Israeli TV Network Looks to Limit Audience Voting in “Elections 2015” Reality Show

As filming continues on the new season of “Elections 2015 – The Search for Israel’s Next Terrible Parliament”, TV executives are mulling a change in the successful reality show’s format. “Elections has always incorporated audience feedback,” said Ray Ting, Head of the station’s Crap Content Development Department, “But we need to consider our planned long-term entertainment slate.” Ray explained: “Election is our flagship reality show and we always look to cross-over the show’s winners into the rest of our light...

Netanyahu Gives Graduation Speech at Area Middle-School

Netanyahu Gives Graduation Speech at Area Middle-School

Hot on the heels of his landmark appearance before congress, oral orator Binyamin Netanyahu continued his tour of the United States. After speaking at the quarterly employee meeting of Angelcakes Bakery in Detroit, MI, and entertaining the guests of Uncanny Valley Nursing Home in Tulsa, OK, Netanyahu delivered an address to the 174 students of Flatland-Hills Junior High in Greensboro, NC. The impassioned talk left some students confused (like the one in the image above), yet others found inspiration in...

UAE Plane Geeks to be Released

UAE Plane Geeks to be Released

The United Arab Emirates has stated it will release three men accused of spying against the country after realising they are only a danger to themselves. The three men, two from the UK and one based in Dubai, were arrested after being observed taking notes on the planes flying in and out of the airport. According to local police when questioned the three men said that they were ‘aviation enthusiasts’, however when asked were unable to produce any well composed...

Iranian Official Who Dismissed Netanyahu Speech Wakes Up Without Hand

Iranian Official Who Dismissed Netanyahu Speech Wakes Up Without Hand

An Iranian government official who publicly responded to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s address to the US Congress last week by pretending to play the world’s smallest violin has had his hand removed, The Israeli Daily reported. Alborz Javadi, spokesman for Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, noted that whenever the amputation took place, he didn’t feel a thing. “Last thing I remember, I was sharing shisha with some visiting businessmen from Georgia at the Café Armani in downtown Tehran. When I woke...

Operation ‘Money-Maker’: a story for tinfoil hat wearers everywhere

Operation ‘Money-Maker’: a story for tinfoil hat wearers everywhere

In an exciting development for tinfoil hat wearers everywhere, sources have confirmed to The Israeli Daily that last summer’s spot of trouble in a little strip called Gaza had been orchestrated to improve the bottom line of international arms dealers and their shadowy shareholders. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the whole thing was basically concocted to enrich the Freemasons, the Illuminati, the Knights Templar and the Clintons. “The cat’s really out of the bag now” admitted Hamas’ Business Development Director, when confronted...

Governor Hopes “Come Terrorize Jersey!” Campaign May Lift Flagging Presidential Prospects

Governor Hopes “Come Terrorize Jersey!” Campaign May Lift Flagging Presidential Prospects

Despite a long history of governors using tourism ads to raise their national profile, many wondered why New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (just slightly pudgy fellow in above image) has directed his Tourism Department to launch a television campaign buying time exclusively in Syria, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan. Tourism Commissioner, Mrs Cannas Toplyin, released a statement, “Governor Christie knows that folks from all over the world want to get away from it all. And who wants to get away more...

This Time It’s Going to Be Brilliant!

This Time It’s Going to Be Brilliant!

Only months ago, a new age began to dawn in Iraq as that last corrupt, incompetent, and yes let’s face it slightly creepy chap has been replaced by a charming, talented and darkly handsome fellow, who is in no shape or form going to screw everything up royally. One White House Spokesman was bursting with happiness “we’ve backed a winner this time, no doubt. I know things haven’t always worked out exactly as we planned in the past, but this...

Obama Beginning to Suspect that Republicans Don’t Much Care for Him

Obama Beginning to Suspect that Republicans Don’t Much Care for Him

Despite herculean efforts to mask their antipathy, President Obama is beginning to suspect that Republicans don’t much care for him. “At first, I thought it had to do with me being, you know, ‘the new guy’ – President after less than one term in the Senate – but now I’m beginning to think it may go deeper than that,” Obama explained to The Mideast Beast (TMB) in a brief interview. The President traced the first hints back to the 2008 campaign....

The Men From E.V.I.L.

The Men From E.V.I.L.

Naftali Bennett, Israel’s Minister of Economy and man that gives new meaning to ‘right-wing’ has announced he has endorsed the efforts of a bloc of nations in the UN self-styled E.V.I.L. who have condemned the lack of recognition by the Security Council of their villainous antics. E.V.I.L., which stands for Every Violation In Law, is a campaign group started by Iran to gain more public awareness for ‘unappreciated nations’ that it describes as having “a proud record in human rights...

Israeli Left Begins Shame Spiral So Intense It Results in Formation of Guilt Black Hole

Israeli Left Begins Shame Spiral So Intense It Results in Formation of Guilt Black Hole

Panic overtook Jerusalem today as a black hole formed in central Israel. The event was caused by the continued accumulation of guilt by the Israeli left, until their shame became so dense that it collapsed in on itself, creating a singularity. Having been described as “being ashamed of their own existence,” the Left Wing have long been criticized for ignoring the realities of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, choosing instead to dwell on the guilt of crimes, real and/or imaginary, against the...

Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname

Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname

Tens of thousands of Israelis flooded the streets of Tel Aviv today demanding more choices in their upcoming election. Protest Leader Avi Ben Ben addressed the crowd. “We Jews have defied history and built a state. Is it really so much to ask that we have a choice of a leader with a real name? Bibi? Bougie? Seriously, Bamba sounds more like the name of a real leader and that’s a fucking snack food! And don’t get me started on...

Apparently Libya Had A Prime Minister

Apparently Libya Had A Prime Minister

Despite Libyan Prime Minister Abdullah al-Thinni resigning a while back, and yet staying in power until a new government can be formed, has been greeted with global confusion as people try to come to terms with the fact that Libya apparently had some sort of ‘government’ to begin with. Regional analyst Brian Junkie was surprised, “They had what now? Really? Are you making this up? I was pretty sure the whole place was just a mashup of the last Mad Max  Lord of the...

Surprise Israeli Military Drill Practices Shooting Down US Fighter Planes

Surprise Israeli Military Drill Practices Shooting Down US Fighter Planes

Footage of a military exercise filmed by Israeli television on Monday shows thousands of soldiers operating hundreds of Iron Dome air defense batteries in an apparent simulated response to an attack by the United States Air Force. “The drill had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the rumor that President Obama threatened to shoot down our planes in 2014. Pure coincidence. Really. Why are you winking at me?” said Brigadier General Jackie Tuti, head of the Israeli Air Defense Command....

Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy

Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy

Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world it is indeed a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing a ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “You look at other world terror leaders, and all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible, organizations. In the name of Allah, what do we have to do to get that kind of respect?” Hamas is increasingly growing jealous of younger, hipper,...

Azerbaijan Recognizes Israel’s Right to Replace Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas

Azerbaijan Recognizes Israel’s Right to Replace Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas

Azerbaijani lawmakers backed a non-binding resolution on Monday that recognizes Israel’s decision to break off peace negotiations with the Palestinian Authority as legitimate. “These peace talks have been in pre-production since the silent era,” noted Second Deputy Prime Minister of Azerbaijan Ferid Yaakinov. “Simply put: Mahmoud Abbas isn’t delivering a believable performance as Israel’s peace partner. Israel would be crazy to continue running lines with the P.A. In fact, Azerbaijan is suggesting that the role of leader of the Palestinian...

Hamas and Israel United in Confusion over U2 Album Outrage

Hamas and Israel United in Confusion over U2 Album Outrage

The Israel Defense Force (IDF) and combatants in Gaza have found common ground, as they try to comprehend how people can be more upset by a free soft rock album than the intractable problems of the Middle East. Yona Greenberg, Music Review Editor of the IDF commented, “I mean I appreciate that it’s no ‘Achtung Baby’, but I really think people need to get a sense of perspective. You do realize we haven’t resolved shit over here yet, right? I mean we...

ISIS Holds Emergency Meeting to Choose Name for Its War on the World

ISIS Holds Emergency Meeting to Choose Name for Its War on the World

Senior members of ISIS convened an emergency meeting in response to the long-awaited naming by the United States of its military mission against the Islamic State. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Martin Dempsey, announced that the US-led effort against ISIS in Iraq and Syria would be called Operation Inherent Resolve, after it was decided that Operation “Oh no, not again” was too downbeat. RELATED: ISIS super excited about the iPhone 6 Meeting at a hookah lounge on the...

Not Yemen too!

Not Yemen too!

Middle East rubberneckers have risen up in revolt on the news that they now have to keep track on what the hell is happening in Yemen on top of everything else. Professor William Lyons, Head of Making Complicated Things Seem Simple, at the University of Birmingham, was visibly shaken. “Shia and Sunni militants ‘clashing’,  no problem with that. Easy. But who the hell are ‘Houthis’? Are they like the ‘Sand People?’ And how the hell did these Houthi Sand People threaten to split the country. “And I can’t...

Obama Set to Address Knesset on Comptroller Report Criticizing Netanyahus’ Spending

Obama Set to Address Knesset on Comptroller Report Criticizing Netanyahus’ Spending

Following Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to Congress blasting the White House for concessions to Iran in nuclear negotiations, President Barack Obama announced Wednesday he would address the Israeli Knesset on the recent comptroller’s report on the Netanyahus’ wasteful use of public funds on personal expenses. Insisting the move was neither personal nor political, Obama said he felt it was his duty as the American leader to offer a critique of what he called a “very bad comptroller’s report.” “Honorable...