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Saying that that he looked forward to a future in which his children could live in a global Caliphate without the fear of rising oceans, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that his country has replaced the US in the Paris Climate Agreement. “We believe that future generations should live in a world without infidels – and with polar bears,”...

Following Donald Trump’s announcement that the United States will back out of the Paris Climate Agreement, the Islamic State released a statement saying that it plans to blow up thousands of cars in the US to halt carbon emissions. The statement noted that withdrawing from the agreement which nearly 200 countries signed onto was a blow to both the US...

UN Secretary-General António Guterres has once again dissociated his organization from a controversial Palestinian women’s center, after Palestinian officials changed the facility’s name to the “Martyr O.J. Simpson Palestinian Women’s Center.” The center’s new name caused embarrassment for both the UN and for Norway’s foreign ministry, which had sponsored the project. The controversy comes a week after the Palestinian Authority...

President Trump reversed an executive order banning immigrants and visa holders from seven Muslim countries Sunday after a nation-wide falafel shortage brought protestors to the streets in several major cities. Just hours after the ban went into place, long lines had formed outside falafel shops across the country, as beleaguered halal vendors struggled to meet the demand for the deep-fried...

Republican Greg Gianforte has turned down a seat as Montana’s lone congressman, announcing Friday that he will instead accept a position as Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s press secretary and head of security. “I am greatly honored that the voters of Montana have elected me after my body-slam of a Guardian reporter,” Gianforte said in a statement released Friday morning....

Citing her “tremendous success” in bridging the gap between the police and the Black Lives Matter movement, President Trump announced he has appointed Kendall Jenner to lead Israeli-Palestinian peace talks for his administration. “Listen, this Kendall Jenner, I’m hearing great things,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “I hear she does amazing things with Pepsi, and she is being recognized more...

Journalists have confirmed that, as a result of his time spent in sunny Saudi Arabia, Donald Trump’s skin has now changed color to an orange a full three shades darker than the one he left the States with. President Trump, whose skin tone had previously been described as ‘Golden Flame’ with a nod to ‘Burnt Orange’, has now deepened and...

King Salman of Saudi Arabia is reportedly becoming resentful that President Trump is still in the Kingdom. “Look I gave him the shiny medal, signed the $100 billion arms deal and smiled politely as he danced like a typical, old white guy. He just needs a photo with a falcon and he’s completed the ‘US Presidential Arab Travel Special’, as...

President Trump announced today that he will be canceling his upcoming visit to Israel after being denied permission to land his helicopter on top of the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem. Combining this incident with having been previously being denied what would have been unprecedented permission to land on the top of the Masada fortress, Mr. Trump reportedly threw up...

Since before the election, President Trump has been talking a tough game on Iran, calling Obama’s concessions “terrible,” “very bad” and “sad.” However, after enjoying a “phenomenal” slice of lemon pound cake at the Mar-a-Lago resort with Chinese President Xi Jinping, he’s beginning to change his tune. “What’s clear to me, after talking to Xi…I feel like I can call...

Following its successful ad campaign in which people with radically opposing views discuss their differences over a beer, Heineken International has decided to put it to the test on a geopolitical level. On Tuesday, Israeli Prime Minster, Benjamin Netanyahu and Chairman of the PLO, Mahmoud Abbas were seated at opposite ends of a bar, given a puzzle to solve together...

After firing his FBI director, potentially leaking classified information to the Russians, and repeatedly being pilloried for his incompetence by the US and global press, the Egyptian President, and former military coup leader, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, expressed concern today at what he calls the “abject failure of US President Trump’s attempts at being an effective dictator.” In an announcement to...

Promising to return it promptly whenever the US needs it back, a number of Middle Eastern countries have asked President Trump if they can borrow the US Constitution “since you guys clearly aren’t using it right now.” “I read the American Constitution, and it actually isn’t bad,” said one Saudi citizen. “It’s all about the rights of the people, and...