US

White House: America’s New Counter-Terrorism Plan is To Destroy Itself
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White House: America’s New Counter-Terrorism Plan is To Destroy Itself

While It seems like the United States is handling the coronavirus pandemic about as well as a Parkinson’s patient in a minefield, a Pentagon source says that this might be more intentional than the public was originally led to believe. According to a source at the Pentagon, it’s part of America’s new cutting-edge counter-terrorism policy: The terrorists can’t destroy America...

Princeton Replaces Wilson School of International Affairs with ‘Kushner School of Winging It’
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Princeton Replaces Wilson School of International Affairs with ‘Kushner School of Winging It’

The latest public reckoning around racist, or as academia calls them “controversial,” figures befell Princeton University this weekend as activists pushed for the removal of Woodrow Wilson’s name from the School of International Affairs. In a surprise move the administration agreed with the students, stating that the name “International Affairs” is outdated and should be replaced with something more representative...

CHOP Condemns Itself After Discovering Cultural Appropriation
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CHOP Condemns Itself After Discovering Cultural Appropriation

CHOP (Capitol Hill Occupied Protest), formerly known as CHAZ (Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone) condemned itself after realizing that its new acronym constitutes cultural appropriation – CHOP for chopsticks – and also a subtle form of racism, as the name indicates a preference for Chinese food. To prevent more emotional damage, CHOP immediately went back to calling itself CHAZ and released...

Breaking: “Racist Statue of Liberty” to be Dismantled, Returned to France
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Breaking: “Racist Statue of Liberty” to be Dismantled, Returned to France

After facing mounting pressure from members of the organization ‘Suddenly Every Stone Offends Me’, New York City has decided to tear down and return “racist” Lady Liberty to France. The dramatic decision comes after numerous statues were vandalized recently in the US and Europe. Newly minted assistant professor of Diverse and Inclusive Statues and Artwork at Columbia University, Ms. Lailah...

Syria Offers to Train “Woefully Undertrained” US Police
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Syria Offers to Train “Woefully Undertrained” US Police

Syrian President Bashar Assad has offered his own country’s police force to train US law enforcement after experts said that it is “woefully undertrained” on using force. Assad, who has a soft spot for minorities, and their rights, spoke to The Mideast Beast about his concerns for America’s future. “It’s very crucial that US authorities quickly restore law and order,...

Taliban, ISIS to Advise Antifa on Destroying Statues
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Taliban, ISIS to Advise Antifa on Destroying Statues

Calling the recent US trend of angry mobs destroying statues “inspiring but a bit amateur,” leaders of ISIS and the Taliban have agreed to send advisors to Antifa and other far left groups on how to erase historical artifacts. “Destroying all art, culture and history from previous eras is obviously constructive,” said ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi. “But they’ve got...

NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods
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NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods

Starting tomorrow NASCAR drivers will no longer be allowed to wear the white pointed hoods of the Ku-Klux-Klan to work. The decision was announced yesterday by the racing company’s CEO Jim France. The ban comes amidst a moment of reckoning over racism and white supremacy in the United States, and has upset many NASCAR fans and drivers. Jason Beans, a...

State Department Changes Seattle Threat Level to ‘Mideast’
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State Department Changes Seattle Threat Level to ‘Mideast’

Following the recent escalation of sectarian rifts in Seattle, Washington, the US Department of State issued a “Mideast level” travel advisory warning to the liberal-tech hub. “American citizens should use extreme caution and if possible avoid all travel to Seattle for the foreseeable future”, read the State Department memo. At a briefing to reporters a spokesperson said that Washington state’s...

Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie
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Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie

Retired General and former US Secretary of State Colin Powell, who recently told CNN that President Donald Trump “lies all the time”, stressed, “I miss the days when America had an honest president who did not lie, like about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and stuff like that.” Full of nostalgia, an emotional Powell spoke to The Mideast Beast. “There...

Taliban Leader Pissed his Op-Ed Didn’t Trigger Collapse of NYT
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Taliban Leader Pissed his Op-Ed Didn’t Trigger Collapse of NYT

With staff at The New York Times in revolt and the editorial page editor leaving his position over the decision to publish an op-ed by a Republican senator, Taliban deputy leader Sirajuddin Haqqani said he is deeply offended that his own column just months earlier engendered no such response. “We helped Osama bin Laden carry out 9/11, then spent 20...

Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas
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Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas

In a rare public statement this week Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad blasted Putin ally Donald Trump for only using tear gas on his protesting citizens. Although most leaders remained hesitant to criticize the “most powerful man in the free world,” for fear of international backlash, Assad took a bold stance against the US President and his use of force, specifically...

Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’
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Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’

Claiming that existing language did not go far enough to protect victims of racism and Islamophobia, House Democrats have passed a bill redefining the term “hate crime” to include “any criticism of, or disagreement with, Representative Ilhan Omar.” The bill comes after Omar’s description of the September 11 attacks as “some people did something” sparked outrage and led to criticism...

Bernie Sanders: This Should Have Been My Revolutionary Moment
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Bernie Sanders: This Should Have Been My Revolutionary Moment

Bernie Sanders, who dropped out of the Democratic presidential race in April, spoke to The Mideast Beast about the latest developments in the US and his lack of plans. “It’s not easy to watch Biden squandering this opportunity”, said Sanders. “Cities are finally burning in revolution against the Trump regime, and I am not there to lead the charge. Only...

Syria Free After Sunni Rebels Burn Down AutoZone
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Syria Free After Sunni Rebels Burn Down AutoZone

The nearly decade-long civil war in Syria has finally ended, as Sunni rebels defeated the Assad regime by burning down a Damascus AutoZone. The destruction of the local automotive parts franchise was the final nail in the coffin for the regime, which quickly surrendered and agreed to help transition the country to democracy. “We were determined to restore our rights...

AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat
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AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat

On Tuesday, US Attorney General and loyal Trump affiliate, William Barr made the shocking announcement that he would not be seeking charges against the bat who allegedly spawned the virus that caused the COVID-19 pandemic. The bat, who did not respond for our request to be interviewed, has previously plead guilty to infecting multiple patients in Wuhan China, the event...

Saudi’s Crown Prince Urges for Subtlety in Trump Government Purges
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Saudi’s Crown Prince Urges for Subtlety in Trump Government Purges

After Trump fired his Inspector General, a Health Department whistleblower, and a personal aid this month, his good friend and far more successful sociopath, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammad bin Salman (MBS), called him up to push the use of some subtlety in his power grabs. According to sources close to Trump, MBS calls every night for a...

Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer
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Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer

In recent weeks President Donald Trump has seriously escalated his war on science, data, the medical field, and logic. The president refused to wear a face mask, suggested that humans should inject disinfectants to combat Covid-19, and self-prescribed a Malaria medication unproven to cure coronavirus symptoms while testing negative for the disease, and he drank fish tank cleaner. These actions...

Melania Trump Arrested After Convincing Husband to Drink Fish Tank Cleaner
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Melania Trump Arrested After Convincing Husband to Drink Fish Tank Cleaner

First Lady Melania Trump has been arrested on charges of attempted murder after police say she tried to convince her husband to drink fish tank cleaner containing hydroxychloroquine. President Donald Trump was hospitalized after ingesting a substantial amount of the tank cleaner, which included a trivial amount of hydroxychloroquine along with a host of deadly chemicals. Melania initially told police...

Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032
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Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032

US Senator Bernie Sanders proposed a new plan to restart the US economy by September 2032. It is currently in the meltdown phase, suffering from a massive recession as a result of the COVID-19 lockdown. “Look, everyone needs a break,” shouted Sanders in a statement. “Give it 11 or 12 years. We’ll know that the pandemic is over, everyone will...