US

The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War
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The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War

The American Left has admitted that it misses the days when it didn’t have to be mad about bombing foreign countries. Dick Meskil, a liberal from Berkeley, California, explained his frustration, “Remember when President Obama ordered a drone strike killing a  16-year-old American kid? Now if it had been Bush or Trump, I would have been really mad, but deep...

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania
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Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Last week’s denuclearization talks between North and South Korea went astonishingly well – so well in fact, the duo is offering hand holding-lessons to the US President and First Lady.   “Donald cannot just grab her by the hand,” said Kim with Moon nodding in agreement. “Melania should not want to defect from the marriage. Trump needs to read the potentially...

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys
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Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Following Kanye West’s most recent public psychotic break on Twitter, President Trump is invoking his authority as commander-in-chief to make a difference in urban America. In an unprecedented consensus across all branches, the US will effectively replace all military-issued footgear with Yeezys.  West, apparently under the influence of his ex-step-father-turned-ex-step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner, raged a hailstorm of tweets praising the President...

Kanye West: Jews “Chose” 2,000 Years of Anti-Semitism
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Kanye West: Jews “Chose” 2,000 Years of Anti-Semitism

Just a day after saying that African-Americans ‘chose’ to be enslaved for 400 years, controversial rapper Kanye West has implied that Jews were also willing participants in their own violent subjugation. “Them Jews… when you hear about all that anti-Semitism crap going on for 2,000 years – that also sounds to me like a choice,” he told TMZ in a follow-up interview....

Bowing to Pressure from Women’s March Activist, Starbucks to Ban Jews
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Bowing to Pressure from Women’s March Activist, Starbucks to Ban Jews

Yielding to pressure from a handful of anti-Israel activists, Starbucks announced that Jews will no longer be allowed in any of the company’s location. The decision comes after Women’s March organizer Tamika Mallory, a supporter of Nation of Islam founder and noted anti-Semite Louis Farrakhan, tweeted her frustration over having to wait in line behind potential Zionists. “How am I...

Jane Goodall to Conduct Primate Grooming Research on Trump and Macron
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Jane Goodall to Conduct Primate Grooming Research on Trump and Macron

Acclaimed primatologist Jane Goodall will be conducting research on the developing physical relationship between US President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron as part of a case study on monkey grooming in the coming months. “The presidents’ relationship, in which one grooms the other, removes excess skin from his body, rubs the other’s muscles, and checks for bone spurs,...

US Changes Imperial System To Still Not The Metric System
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US Changes Imperial System To Still Not The Metric System

In a surprising development, President Trump, with the full faith backing of the EPA and Betsy DeVos, has moved to officially obliterate the Imperial Measurement System, to unequivocally ‘Make America Great Again’. The new measurements, categorized by the President personally , range in acute specificity from a “Sad Little Marco” to “Yuuuuge”. DARPA is the first government agency to test...

Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike
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Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike

A baffled President Donald Trump has been discussing with close aides how he doesn’t understand “why people are still insisting I’m BFFs with Putin even after I bombed his other BFF.” “I tried everything, but the Fake News Media won’t listen! The minute I said the words ‘Cold War’ everybody in the world, especially poop-faced Mueller, should have stopped doubting...

Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’
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Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’

Warning that their tolerance for the GOP president’s actions has its limits, House and Senate Republicans insisted that the assassination of special counsel Robert Mueller would be “a red line” for the president. “While I believe the investigation into Russian meddling in our election to be baseless, the president should let Mr. Mueller do his job without interference,” House Speaker...

Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect
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Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect

The Drone Pilot Lobby has announced that it is initiating a $20 million-dollar lawsuit against the U.S. Department of Defense. The plaintiffs claim that the DoD “failed to adequately address pilots’ suffering arising from carpal tunnel syndrome and hostile environments.” One drone pilot explained, “We’re America’s front-line defense against militant groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS, and suspicious looking weddings. People make fun...

Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama
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Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama

Lamenting that the former first dog did nothing as his owner escalated a campaign of drone strikes and targeted killings, leftist activist Noam Chomsky is calling for Bo Obama to be brought before The Hague for alleged war crimes. “While Barack Obama violated the Geneva Conventions, the 1907 Hague Restrictions and the customary laws of war with his killings of...

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling
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Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling

North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and United States President Donald Trump are reportedly to begin Non-Violent Communication Therapy. Donald Trump has tweeted, “Nobody does non-violent communication better than me. We are going to break down the biggest walls!! #MAGA” A spokesperson for the North Korean regime corroborated the story, stating that “Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will engage imperialist leader...

UC Berkeley Offers Assisted Suicide to Students Offended by Shapiro Talk
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UC Berkeley Offers Assisted Suicide to Students Offended by Shapiro Talk

After learning that intensive counseling had failed to heal many of the deep emotional wounds caused by the event, the University of California at Berkeley is now offering assisted suicide to students threatened by conservative journalist Ben Shapiro’s scheduled talk. “No student should ever feel threatened, harassed, or the least bit uncomfortable by being exposed to controversial or offensive ideas,”...

Trans Albino Half-Jewish, Half-Muslim Vegan Denied Campus ‘Safe Space’
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Trans Albino Half-Jewish, Half-Muslim Vegan Denied Campus ‘Safe Space’

BERKELEY – A freshman is suing one of America’s most progressive colleges for discrimination after it rejected a request to fund his own ‘TAVJI safe space.’ According to 19-year-old Adam Hussein-Hershkowitz, “contrary to UC Berkeley’s radical leftist reputation, it’s actually a hotbed of virulent anti-TAVJI bigotry” – using an acronym he coined to describe his combined transgenderism, albinism and veganism,...