The Gaza-based, Iranian-backed Palestinian Islamist terror organization, Hamas, chided The Onion yesterday for its anti-Israel obsession, urging the Wisconsin-based satirical publication to “focus more on the LOLs.” The group’s message came during the recent outbreak of violence leading to a series of Onion articles that, in the words of Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, “were the kind of anti-Israel rants we...
In a shocking twist to the 2021 Israel-Gaza War, Mattias Schmale, the Director of the United Nations Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA) in Gaza told reporters that he believes the IDF “struck targets with ‘sophistication’ and ‘precision’.” Unsurprisingly, anger was widespread and condemnation was quick. Hamas, who has (literally) worked for UNRWA, as well as having used UNRWA schools from...
In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine, a token humanitarian gesture to Gaza for adhering to the current ceasefire. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and...
JERUSALEM — In the latest attempt to prevent any further fighting between Gaza and Israel, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) has been authorized to conduct ‘Operation Dictionary’. Guaranteed to delight definition-loving Hamas and Islamic Jihad fighters, The Mideast Beast has learned that Israeli forces will begin carpet bombing the areas with the books starting 07:00 Friday morning. Each specially designed...
Hamas has surprisingly decided to join Netanyahu’s ceasefire unity government after eleven days of tense disagreements and heated debates involving some 4,000 rockets and intense Gaza bombings. In exchange for complete freedom from adult intervention in their militant Gaza playroom, Hamas has agreed to back Netanyahu politically until 2030. Prime Minister Netanyahu’s office released an official statement: “Sometimes you need...
Calling it the hottest real estate on the planet, former US president Donald Trump said that he plans to build a new Trump Tower high-rise in East Jerusalem’s Sheikh Jarrah neighborhood. Trump said that he decided to buy the prime real estate after hearing that Jews and Arabs were fighting on the streets for control of a four-family house in...
In response to the Gaza conflict, Russia’s Foreign Ministry has warned the Israeli Ambassador in Moscow that further “civilian casualties are unacceptable outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria.” The senior Russian official Nikolaj Migchik blasted Israel’s “excessive” military operations in Gaza. “I’m shocked. More than 200 people have been killed in Gaza, mostly innocent masked children in their 20s with Kalashnikovs...
The United Nations General Assembly issued a resolution Tuesday condemning Israeli farmers for damaging Palestinian incendiary balloons (or ‘terror balloons’), which Gazan militants have been sending over the border – along with the occasional rocket salvo – into southern Israel, causing millions of dollars in damages to Israel’s agricultural economy. According to the United Nations, the balloons are sometimes damaged...
Press TV, Iran’s state-run media arm, looks to be the big winner at next month’s 2021 Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, with multiple honors for its coverage of the 2021 Israel-Gaza War. The award for investigative reporting is set to go to the network for its account of Israel’s attempt to take down a commercial airplane leaving Gaza City by releasing...
In the wake of Israel-Hamas ceasefire talks, Hamas has admitted that they never really understood the definition of ‘ceasefire’. “We always thought that it meant ‘say you’ll stop but carry on launching rockets as usual'”, one spokesman for the Gaza-based Islamist group admitted. “You see, we weren’t really paying attention in the first negotiation meeting years ago and we’ve been...
Following its decision to remove the Islamist militant group Hamas from its list of terrorist organizations, a top court of the European Union will now meet to decide what to call the aerial projectiles launched from the Gaza Strip at Israeli cities. While Sweden has proposed calling the projectiles, previously known as missiles or rockets, ‘aeronautic modern art,’ Spain has suggested they...
Ready to finally emerge after 17 years underground, Brood X cicadas are excited to finally learn how the longstanding conflict between Jews and Muslims in the Middle East turned out. “When we last went underground in 2004, things were lit between the Israelis and Palestinians, literally,” one Brood X cicada told The Mideast Beast. “We were really sorry to just...
Accusing Israel’s missile defense system of unprovoked aggression, CNN has come out against Iron Dome’s violent attacks on “mostly peaceful rockets” fired by Hamas from the Gaza Strip. Noting that the vast majority of the hundreds of rockets launched at Israeli towns and cities landed uneventfully in empty fields, CNN anchor Don Lemon pointed out that the Iron Dome batteries...
JERUSALEM — Officials in Jerusalem say the city is in the midst of an existential crisis. Not because of former US President Trump’s decision to move the US embassy, or the recent violent clashes in the Old City over the weekend, or the crazy foreigners who dress like Jesus and roam the streets. Rather, they found out that it will...
According to the results of a study conducted by one prestigious American community college, over 87% of comments made on various internet forums about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict were written by people who had completed master’s degrees in the field of middle eastern studies, or in a comparable field. The study, which was carried out by researchers over a five-year period,...
A delegation representing the Palestinian Authority has appeared before UN leadership requesting the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to be renamed. As PA representative Mahmoud Said told the UN, “For too long, we’ve been told that we don’t deserve top billing in this conflict. For too long, our children have grown up in a world where they are billed second to the Zionists....
ISRAEL — In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. I figured I’d just pass the time by watching a little porn...
In a blow to online experts everywhere Facebook has restricted the ability of users to comment on the Arab-Israeli conflict until they have delivered proof of at least four years higher education (six if you went to Tel Aviv University, cause we all know that’s just a party school). Facebook spokeswoman Sarah Bluestein said “we’ve discovered that while we are...
Popular author, God, has millions of fans all over the world. They literally worship the ground he walks on, and his best-selling books have sold hundreds of millions of copies. For years, God’s fans have reveled in the ongoing drama of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The action packed and dramatic saga has been popular news for decades. However some fans are...
Bathroom attendants at the Al-Aqsa Mosque in Jerusalem have called a strike over what they say are poor working conditions brought on by the frequent Israeli ban on younger Muslims worshipping at the third holiest site for Islam. Ibrahim Batatu one of the leaders of the protest told The Mideast Beast the reasons behind the strike. “You have no idea how...
