Sean Golanal

 

Israel to Annex CHAZ Instead of West Bank

Israel to Annex CHAZ Instead of West Bank

After months of speculation about the nature of Israel’s looming annexation, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has shocked the world. Instead of annexing the West Bank, Israel will formally take control of an area in Seattle known as the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ). Israel’s Ambassador to the United States, Ron Dermer, told The Mideast Beast that the decision to...

Evangelicals Disappointed in Low Covid-19 Casualty Rate in the Holy Land

Evangelicals Disappointed in Low Covid-19 Casualty Rate in the Holy Land

After initial excitement that the Covid-19 pandemic might be signaling the end of times, Evangelical Christians across America’s suburbs and non-coastal nothing-lands are disappointed. Only around 300 people have died of the virus in Israel and the Palestinian Territories. “I reread the Book of Revelation, and it just all of the sudden made sense to me,” said Gerald Flurry, a...

NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods
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NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods

Starting tomorrow NASCAR drivers will no longer be allowed to wear the white pointed hoods of the Ku-Klux-Klan to work. The decision was announced yesterday by the racing company’s CEO Jim France. The ban comes amidst a moment of reckoning over racism and white supremacy in the United States, and has upset many NASCAR fans and drivers. Jason Beans, a...

State Department Changes Seattle Threat Level to ‘Mideast’
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State Department Changes Seattle Threat Level to ‘Mideast’

Following the recent escalation of sectarian rifts in Seattle, Washington, the US Department of State issued a “Mideast level” travel advisory warning to the liberal-tech hub. “American citizens should use extreme caution and if possible avoid all travel to Seattle for the foreseeable future”, read the State Department memo. At a briefing to reporters a spokesperson said that Washington state’s...

POC Reporters Ask for a Relocation to Iraq and Syria

POC Reporters Ask for a Relocation to Iraq and Syria

The leading group of black journalists in the U.S. has made a public plea for newsrooms across the country to relocate POC reporters (People of Color) to safer locales such as Syria, Iraq, Yemen, or even North Korea. The National Association of Black Journalists (NABJ) made the request via a public Facebook post minutes after a black-hispanic CNN reporter was...

Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas Ends all Agreements with Gravity

Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas Ends all Agreements with Gravity

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas announced that he is cutting off all ties with gravity. Abbas introduced the new policy in a meandering address from his palace in Ramallah. The canceling of all agreements with gravity comes days after Abbas announced that he is cutting off all ties with Israel, the two moves are interpreted as part of the same larger...

Trump Declares Tanning Salons Essential
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Trump Declares Tanning Salons Essential

At a news conference on Saturday President Donald Trump said he will do everything in his power to force governors to open tanning salons across the country. The announcement came a day after the president declared churches essential, and is the latest step in the president’s strategy of opening up businesses that his voter base frequents. “Governors need to do...

Americans Learn About Israeli Politics, Start Appreciating the Electoral College

Americans Learn About Israeli Politics, Start Appreciating the Electoral College

Sarah Wokey has long thought the system for electing American presidents was ridiculous, but recently the young progressive activist from Seattle had a change of heart. “I found out our presidential model is much better than the parliamentary system,” she said. Wokey said she has followed Israeli politics for the past year, observing a handful of elections in just a...

Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer
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Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer

In recent weeks President Donald Trump has seriously escalated his war on science, data, the medical field, and logic. The president refused to wear a face mask, suggested that humans should inject disinfectants to combat Covid-19, and self-prescribed a Malaria medication unproven to cure coronavirus symptoms while testing negative for the disease, and he drank fish tank cleaner. These actions...

Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’

Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’

After a month and a half in quarantine, Israel is beginning to reopen. While many countries across the globe struggle to create a new social contract for our collective new reality, it seems Israel has a blueprint at hand. “We are just going to treat all Israeli citizens like we would a Palestinian,” said a high-ranking security official speaking on...

New York’s Mayor Personally Breaks Apart Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Family Dinners
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New York’s Mayor Personally Breaks Apart Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Family Dinners

New York’s mayor Bill de Blasio will begin personally breaking apart ultra-orthodox Jewish family meals in densely populated pockets of Brooklyn. The mayor made his announcement on Twitter Wednesday. The policy is de Blasio’s latest act in Covid-19 inspired anti-semitism. The mayor will rotate through religious Jewish neighborhoods every day in order to bring a halt to meals. The mayor’s...

Al-Qaeda Suspends All Operations in Georgia After Governor Decides to Reopen State

Al-Qaeda Suspends All Operations in Georgia After Governor Decides to Reopen State

The international terrorist organization, Al-Qaeda, will suspend all plans for attacks in Georgia, following the southern U.S. state’s partial reopening. “There’s no point in executing our plans for the summer. The infidels’ leader, Brian Kemp, appears happy to do our job for us,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, the leader of Al-Qaeda, wrote this week in the terrorist organization’s online publication. Zawahiri added...

Trump Says Soros is Funding Corona, Hannity May or May Not Have Proof

Trump Says Soros is Funding Corona, Hannity May or May Not Have Proof

In a series of early morning tweets President Trump claimed that billionaire philanthropist George Soros financed the Covid-19 pandemic. “He is behind so many evil things: migrant caravans, paid protesters. People tell me he even funds universities. I know this guy. Nobody knows Soros better than me. People say he is behind it, I believe it.” Trump’s tweets occurred two...

Trump Allows Jews to Resume Eating Bread After Passover
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Trump Allows Jews to Resume Eating Bread After Passover

In a series of early morning tweets, President Donald Trump gave Jews permission to eat bread post-Passover. The announcement came days after he gave American governors the authority to decide when to open up their states. “I hope you go eat bagels, your people make some great bagels, and charge very nicely for it. Always know how to charge a...

‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining
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‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining

An intersectional coalition of leftists’ movements in the US has announced they will stop social distancing because it is a “colonialist, imperialist, abusive, and extractive appropriation of the culture of the people of Gaza.” The call to action was announced Wednesday on social media. The unnecessarily long post explained that social isolation is an ancient practice in Gaza, dating all...

Israel Allows Muslim Public Prayer Gatherings During Pandemic

Israel Allows Muslim Public Prayer Gatherings During Pandemic

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced yesterday that Israel will reform Covid-19 stay-in-shelter-orders to allow Muslims to gather in crowded places and pray together. “This reform is the first of its kind in the world” Netanyahu said in a video posted to his Facebook Page. “This move shows once and for all how Israel is a democracy that celebrates religious...

Trump Proposes Mass Prescription of Prozac to End Syrian Civil War
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Trump Proposes Mass Prescription of Prozac to End Syrian Civil War

After suggesting that the United States start using anti-Malaria medication to treat COVID-19 patients, a confident President Donald Trump, excited by the prospect of solving problems with unproven pills, announced plans to end the Syrian civil war by supplying billions of Prozac pills. Trump made his announcement at a White House press briefing, saying that although they are not sure...

Nuclear-Smallpox-Mustard Gas Asteroid Hits Earth, Netanyahu Still Prime Minister

Nuclear-Smallpox-Mustard Gas Asteroid Hits Earth, Netanyahu Still Prime Minister

Following last week’s impact of an asteroid comprised of weapons-grade uranium infused with mustard gas and smallpox, it seemed that everything in the world changed overnight. As the world emerges from the ashes there seems to be only one relic of history still in place – Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu will form yet another Israeli government. According to the celebrity academic...