Sean Golanal
POC Reporters Ask for a Relocation to Iraq and Syria
The leading group of black journalists in the U.S. has made a public plea for newsrooms across the country to relocate POC reporters (People of Color) to safer locales such as Syria, Iraq, Yemen, or even North Korea. The National Association of Black Journalists (NABJ) made the request via a public Facebook post minutes after a black-hispanic CNN reporter was arrested on live television. Omar Jimenez was rightfully covering riots and protests that broke out in response to the police...
Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas Ends all Agreements with Gravity
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas announced that he is cutting off all ties with gravity. Abbas introduced the new policy in a meandering address from his palace in Ramallah. The canceling of all agreements with gravity comes days after Abbas announced that he is cutting off all ties with Israel, the two moves are interpreted as part of the same larger policy. “I think he’s really into making big announcements that he either can’t and won’t pull through with” said Omar...
Trump Declares Tanning Salons Essential
At a news conference on Saturday President Donald Trump said he will do everything in his power to force governors to open tanning salons across the country. The announcement came a day after the president declared churches essential, and is the latest step in the president’s strategy of opening up businesses that his voter base frequents. “Governors need to do the right thing and allow these very important essential places to open right now, for this weekend. Nobody likes to...
Americans Learn About Israeli Politics, Start Appreciating the Electoral College
Sarah Wokey has long thought the system for electing American presidents was ridiculous, but recently the young progressive activist from Seattle had a change of heart. “I found out our presidential model is much better than the parliamentary system,” she said. Wokey said she has followed Israeli politics for the past year, observing a handful of elections in just a 12-month period. Although she is a Democrat, she said that her entire life she was a critic of America’s two-party...
Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer
In recent weeks President Donald Trump has seriously escalated his war on science, data, the medical field, and logic. The president refused to wear a face mask, suggested that humans should inject disinfectants to combat Covid-19, and self-prescribed a Malaria medication unproven to cure coronavirus symptoms while testing negative for the disease, and he drank fish tank cleaner. These actions have Americans missing simpler times. “I wish he would just go back to being anti-vaxx, that was plenty cray cray,”...
‘We Had Half the Population Covering their Faces Pre-Covid,’ Brag Saudis
A new PR campaign celebrating the ingenuity and modernity of Saudi Arabia is bragging about its strict Islamic laws, which have required women to cover their faces for decades before Covid-19. “For so many years the West gave us shit for making women cover up, now all of these liberal U.S. governors are forcing even men to do the same,” Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS) told The Mideast Beast. “Thanks to Islam, we stay ahead of the curve,” he...
Evangelicals Disappointed in Low Covid-19 Casualty rate in the Holy Land
After initial excitement that the Covid-19 pandemic might be signaling the end of times, Evangelical Christians across America’s suburbs and non-coastal nothing-lands are disappointed. Less than 300 people have died of the virus in Israel and the Palestinian Territories. “I reread the Book of Revelation, and it just all of the sudden made sense to me,” said Gerald Flurry, a prominent evangelical writer. “A Chinese person eats a bat and then the seven years of revelations begin,” he said. Like...
Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’
After a month and a half in quarantine, Israel is beginning to reopen. While many countries across the globe struggle to create a new social contract for our collective new reality, it seems Israel has a blueprint at hand. “We are just going to treat all Israeli citizens like we would a Palestinian,” said a high-ranking security official speaking on the condition of anonymity. Through dozens of conversations with officials familiar with Israel’s reopening plan, The Mideast Beast learned the...
After Seeing Israel’s New Coalition, Assad ‘Totally Down’ with Unity Government
In a rare interview, Syria’s President Bashar al-Assad told The Mideast Beast (TMB) that he was greatly influenced by the latest developments in Israeli politics. Assad said that after hearing about the formation of a unity coalition “I was mind fucked. This is so brilliant. I am totally down to end the civil war and establish a unity government like the Zionist have.” The Syrian autocrat said that he would be willing to have each faction designate a “Benny Gantz-like...
New York’s Mayor Personally Breaks Apart Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Family Dinners
New York’s mayor Bill de Blasio will begin personally breaking apart ultra-orthodox Jewish family meals in densely populated pockets of Brooklyn. The mayor made his announcement on Twitter Wednesday. The policy is de Blasio’s latest act in Covid-19 inspired anti-semitism. The mayor will rotate through religious Jewish neighborhoods every day in order to bring a halt to meals. The mayor’s office clarified that the millions of non-Haredi New Yorkers who Mayor de Blasio encounters on his daily walks, including “hipsters...
Al-Qaeda Suspends All Operations in Georgia After Governor Decides to Reopen State
The international terrorist organization, Al-Qaeda, will suspend all plans for attacks in Georgia, following the southern U.S. state’s partial reopening. “There’s no point in executing our plans for the summer. The infidels’ leader, Brian Kemp, appears happy to do our job for us,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, the leader of Al-Qaeda, wrote this week in the terrorist organization’s online publication. Zawahiri added that it is encouraging to see residents of “Big Satan” killing one another by going bowling and spreading a lethal...
Trump Says Soros is Funding Corona, Hannity May or May Not Have Proof
In a series of early morning tweets President Trump claimed that billionaire philanthropist George Soros financed the Covid-19 pandemic. “He is behind so many evil things: migrant caravans, paid protesters. People tell me he even funds universities. I know this guy. Nobody knows Soros better than me. People say he is behind it, I believe it.” Trump’s tweets occurred two minutes after Fox News ran a segment about an unsubstantiated report on Breitbart that suggested the Jewish billionaire backed the...
Trump Allows Jews to Resume Eating Bread After Passover
In a series of early morning tweets, President Donald Trump gave Jews permission to eat bread post-Passover. The announcement came days after he gave American governors the authority to decide when to open up their states. “I hope you go eat bagels, your people make some great bagels, and charge very nicely for it. Always know how to charge a lot. I respect that,” Trump said, after giving Jews permission to resume eating bread. Experts have pointed out that in...
‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining
An intersectional coalition of leftists’ movements in the US has announced they will stop social distancing because it is a “colonialist, imperialist, abusive, and extractive appropriation of the culture of the people of Gaza.” The call to action was announced Wednesday on social media. The unnecessarily long post explained that social isolation is an ancient practice in Gaza, dating all the way back to 2006. “For us to all-of-the-sudden pick up this habit of staying quarantined at home just because...
Israel Allows Muslim Public Prayer Gatherings During Pandemic
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced yesterday that Israel will reform Covid-19 stay-in-shelter-orders to allow Muslims to gather in crowded places and pray together. “This reform is the first of its kind in the world” Netanyahu said in a video posted to his Facebook Page. “This move shows once and for all how Israel is a democracy that celebrates religious freedoms and respects minorities. While the Palestinian Authority does not allow Jews to live in our ancient homeland, we encourage...
Trump Proposes Mass Prescription of Prozac to End Syrian Civil War
After suggesting that the United States start using anti-Malaria medication to treat COVID-19 patients, a confident President Donald Trump, excited by the prospect of solving problems with unproven pills, announced plans to end the Syrian civil war by supplying billions of Prozac pills. Trump made his announcement at a White House press briefing, saying that although they are not sure that Prozac will work to solve the 9 year-old civil war, it is worth doing because “if it does work,...
Nuclear-Smallpox-Mustard Gas Asteroid Hits Earth, Netanyahu Still Prime Minister
Following last week’s impact of an asteroid comprised of weapons-grade uranium infused with mustard gas and smallpox, it seemed that everything in the world changed overnight. As the world emerges from the ashes there seems to be only one relic of history still in place – Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu will form yet another Israeli government. According to the celebrity academic Yuval Noah Harrari the world has completely changed overnight. “New York, London, and Tokyo are underwater, most internationally recognized states...
Benny Gantz to Consult Aung San Suu Kyi on How to ‘Fail to Deliver’
Benny Gantz placed his bid to become the next Knesset Speaker on Thursday, increasing the likelihood a coalition government with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Now he is already cashing in on the historic about-face. Gantz is going to advise Nobel prize winner-turned-ethnic cleansing enabler, Aung San Suu Kyi, on how to epically disappoint expectations. Benny Gantz entered political life a little over a year ago with a promise to bring change and end the Netanyahu era. “Then he just changed...
To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning
MANHATTAN — The Mideast Beast’s North American Desk was at the Javits Center in Manhattan on Tuesday covering the latest on the coronavirus. In an effort to stop its spread, New York’s Governor Andrew M. Cuomo called for the harshest measures yet to combat the infectious disease. Cuomo was adamant that the city’s residents must stay indoors, noting, “We need New Yorkers to sit tight for now, in their shitty, overpriced, moldy, windowless apartments and drink their lead poisoned water”....
BDS Supporters Accidently Cheer Israeli-Ethiopian Soldier Beating-up Palestinian Teen
A video of a dark skinned, plain-clothed Israeli soldier brutally punching a pale, red-haired Palestinian teen was captured by a passerby, yesterday, in East Jerusalem, near a demonstration against the so-called “Deal of the Century.” The video was widely circulated on the web, confusing Americans with strong feelings and little knowledge of the Middle East conflict. “This is an expected response to the white supremacist Israeli state,” said Shaun King, a leading voice on police brutality in the US, in...