Sean Golanal
Obama Admin: “We Have Proof BDS Orchestrated Netanyahu’s Response to UN Resolution”
The US Ambassador to Israel released a startling press statement today: “We have evidence that the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions movement (BDS) orchestrated Netanyahu’s response to the passing of the UNSC resolution”. He explained that the administration was puzzled by Netanyahu’s insistence on turning Israel into a pariah state. “Once Netanyahu started calling for reduced ties with 12 states, including China and the UK, we realized something was going on; we now have proof that the response was orchestrated by the...
After Picking Goldman Sachs to Run Economy, Trump Offers Clinton Ambassador to Saudi
President-elect Trump has announced he has offered to appoint Hilary Clinton Ambassador to Saudi Arabia, shaking the political world to its core. After the initial astonishment experts have begun reasoning that the pick follows a clear trend in his cabinet selection process. “It is clear Trump is attempting to create a government with the most conflict of interests possible. With fossil fuel CEO’s heading the EPA, Wall Street executives running the economy, and fast food giants overseeing labor, the Clinton...
ISIS Recruiting Website Crashes Following Trump’s Win
ISIS’s IT team has been working non-stop to get their recruiting pages back on the net, after a massive uptick of new recruits caused them to crash early Friday. Data shows that the increase in recruitment did not happen the day after the election, but rather closer to the weekend. Experts link the delay with recruits’ initial assumption that the candidate who received the most votes won. This changed when Trump supporter’s explanation of the electoral system began to infiltrate...
GOP Supporters Confuse Party Platform with Muslim Brotherhood Doctrine
Cleveland OH — A local Muslim Brotherhood affiliate has been handing out their organization’s Charter across the street from the Republican National Convention. The document has been enthusiastically received as scores of attendees have apparently confused it for the 2016 GOP platform. A delegate from South Dakota talked to The Mideast Beast shortly after receiving the document. He was “very happy with how bold our [GOP] anti-gay, and pro-life stances are this year” adding that “being openly Christian will finally...
Trump Promises to Strengthen ISIS by Weakening American Democracy
WASHINGTON D.C. — Following his promise on Fox News to “strengthen ISIS”, the presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Trump, vowed today to “turn them into a very, very serious threat”. Trump promised to continue making “literally the most Islamophobic remarks any President could ever make”, in order to “increase recruitment to ISIS in the US by so-so-so much folks”. He elaborated that some of his ideas, including “a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States” and surveillance of...