Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
Looking to capitalize on excitement over the start of autumn, ISIS has announced a new line of pumpkin spice suicide vests aimed at attracting new recruits. “Martyrs will no longer have to wait until they are in paradise for their reward,” ISIS said in a LinkedIn post advertising an open position as a suicide bomber. “Their final breaths on Earth...
Calling it the final phase in their mission to destroy America and turn the whole world into an Islamic caliphate, the terrorist group ISIS launched a new “war of micro-aggressions” against the US this week. “Until the American crusaders withdraw from our countries and accept Sharia Law, our warriors will appropriate their culture, subtly patronize their heritage, perpetuate harmful stereotypes...
Turkish officials are defending their actions during the Armenian genocide, claiming that marijuana was found in the apartment of one of the slaughtered Armenians. The results of a search warrant issued 100 years after the World War I-era massacre were released this week, showing that 10 grams of the drug were found at the apartment of a young Armenian killed...
Calling it his group’s ultimate and final demand, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri released a message this week, threatening massive attacks against U.S. targets unless Americans immediately and exclusively begin using the metric system. “For years, we have fought against the American crusaders for their imperialism, their attacks on Muslim countries and their support for infidel regimes,” Zawahiri explained in...
Following her convincing win in the Democratic primary, New York State Senate candidate Julia Salazar is walking back claims that she both founded the Palestine Liberation Organization and helped launch the First Intifada. Salazar, who first made headlines when her claims to be a Jewish immigrant from a working class family unraveled, looked to appeal voters on the far left...
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has seen his coalition crumble after the dictator smoked marijuana during an appearance on the Joe Rogan Show. Assad appeared on the popular podcast in an effort to broaden his support by acting more relatable. “People always see me as the politician, or as the soldier fighting ISIS or dropping chemical weapons on Sunni schoolchildren,” Assad...
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been revealed as the anonymous senior official who authored a controversial New York Times op-ed saying he is working to thwart parts of President Trump’s agenda. “I do not regret my decision to install Trump as a puppet leader and I appreciate many parts of his divisive agenda,” Putin told The Mideast Beast in revealing...
In an effort to broaden its audience and tone down overly pro-American sentiment, an upcoming biopic of astronaut Neil Armstrong features former Palestine Liberation Organization president Yasser Arafat as Apollo 11’s lunar module pilot. While retired US Air Force Colonel Buzz Aldrin was in fact the pilot and second man to walk on the moon, the directors of “First Man”...
The White House official tasked with raising and lowering the US flag following the death of US Senator John McCain has been sent to the hospital with severe rope burn. The flag bearer’s injury came after President Trump repeatedly wavered on whether the flag should remain lowered after McCain’s death, causing the unfortunate official to have to repeatedly go onto...
With a growing number of US President Donald Trump’s campaign team likely headed to federal prison, the president had hired Qasim al-Raymi, the head of al Qaeda’s Yemen-based affiliate, to head the newly-created Department of Escaping Justice. The appointment comes the day after Trump’s former attorney, Michael Cohen, pled guilty to corruption charges while Paul Manafort was convicted of eight...
The Islamic Republic of Iran is reportedly on the verge of launching a massive invasion of Washington DC after President Trump was forced to cancel a planned military parade in the city. Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei and his predecessor have been preparing for decades to invade the US and institute radical Islamist theocracy in the world’s largest economic and...
The Colorado Civil Rights Commission is once again pressing charges against Masterpiece Cakeshop Owner Jack Phillips after the Christian baker declined to make an ISIS-themed cake celebrating a gay bar mitzvah. Phillips, whose previous refusal to bake a cake for a gay wedding ended up with the case in the Supreme Court, told The Mideast Beast that creating the cake...
UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is facing criticism once again, this time after it was revealed that the opposition leader used a military submarine to lay a wreath on Osama bin Laden’s grave at the bottom of the Arabian Sea. The controversy surfaced after video emerged of Corbyn – who previously called bin Laden’s death a tragedy– exiting the submarine...
In the latest bombshell from her recently published book, former White House aide and reality TV star Omarosa Manigault claims that she witnessed President Donald Trump praying towards Mecca five times a day and sneaking out of the White House to take flying lessons. Omarosa’s claim is her most startling to date, following allegations that the president used racial slurs and...
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is calling for a boycott of Showtime after the Islamic Caliph admitted he was pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen’s series “Who is America?” Baghdadi, who announced the formation of the Islamic State in April 2013, said he was led to believe he was being honored by fictional Israeli TV station “Yerushalayim Television” for its 70...
In a confused response to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s sanctions on American officials, US President Donald Trump announced a ban on the import and export of turkeys. Furious over news of Erdogan’s sanctions and the imprisonment of Andrew Brunson, an American pastor arrested in Turkey, Trump insisted that the US would boycott the fowl in retaliation. Advisors’ desperate attempts...
Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, the former Iraqi Information Minister under Saddam, better known as “Baghdad Bob” for his outlandish claims during the US invasion of Iraq, told The Mideast Beast that he was “starting to get a bit worried” about former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani over his defense of US President Donald Trump. “Listen, I know that sometimes you have...
With US President Donald Trump saying he would meet with Iran’s leaders “whenever they want,” former President Barack Obama is urging his successor not to sit down with the ayatollahs without first making a number of significant preconcessions. “The key to negotiating a successful Iran deal is to not come to the table until you’ve given in on at least...
Peace and prosperity have been achieved across the globe after US President Donald Trump ran out of data on his cell plan and was unable to use Twitter. The ensuing calm not only gave Americans a chance to catch their breaths but allowed world leaders to focus on solving their own countries’ problems. Within 48 hours, all conflicts had ended....
The Islamic State’s board of directors has fired Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi after past tweets surfaced in which the cleric used reasonable language to make sensible proposals. “Good move by @alQaeda attacking Jews&Westerners first and leaving Shiites 4 later,” one 2009 Tweet read. “2 declare Caliphate and try to kill every1 immediately=very stupid.” Another offensive tweet, this one from 2008,...
